Sitting here, staring at this empty space makes me wonder if I should keep this up.  This prayer blog thing I do.  As You can see Lord, sometimes what I want to say, is for Your eyes and ears  alone.  I tend to talk to You as I do no one else. I do this only because You are the One that can fix whatever is broken for me. I expect no one else to.   I remember, years ago,  when I began reading the "Lord, Change Me!" book by Evelyn Christenson.  I was amazed at the things You inspired me to do through her writing.  I also remember teaching it.  I passed along this plethora of information because I thought "everyone" needed to see it, hear it, believe it  and adopt it into their own thinking.  It had changed me, so naturally I believed it would change others too.  I think after all of these years, three, no, maybe  four people, have told me that "Lord, Change Me!" helped them too.  Thinking about that I guess could make me feel badly that so few caught the idea and ran with it for their own spiritual growth, but, for some reason, it doesn't. Today, anyway!  I am grateful to have learned those concepts for my own life.  I recently read some scripture, on my phone as a matter of fact, and YOU spoke to me loudly and clearly.  It wasn't just a coincidence.  I know it.  You spoke to me.  I felt desperate and You knew that.  I am blessed by You.....over and over and over.  Thank You, Lord.  "Reading until You speak" is a concept that amazes me.  When You do that for me, I am filled with joy for what You can do with someones life when they allow You access.  When I read that You saw me being formed in the womb of my mother......and watched all of the organs being formed, the nerves and muscles placed.....I know, there are times I worry about the "wiring" being a little skewed.....but, You, dear One, KNOW me.  How I think.  How I process.  I am touched because of the fact that You know me and love me.  Just as I am.  My job and my joy, is to entertain angels...and be Your instrument.

Help me, Jesus.  I want to make You proud. 

I pray in the name of Jesus.  Amen.  

"Lord, I want to be.....pleasing to You.....in everything I do.  And, I want to love You more, more than words can say."  Words from the praise song we did on Sunday morning, always seem to touch me.  Of course, then I leave church.  Go out to eat lunch somewhere.  Go home and start peeling off my church clothes as I close the porch door. As I walk by....it's coat on the couch, necklace and earrings on the kitchen table, suit jacket or sweater in my arm as I hit the bedroom.  Almost the same behavior every Sunday.  Occasionally I visit with my husband, but seldom.  When I do, I wonder how he does this all the time without a break.  Lord? That's right, Lord.  I'm teaching a ladies class,  leading the praise team, occasionally exhorting a bit, playing the organ, putting on all the sweet, compliant behavior of a good pastor's wife....and believing it too....most of the time. Really, Lord.  I'm not a fake all the time.  I wake up almost every day wondering what do You want me to do for You, today.  I'm thinking......Your kind answer to me would be....."Get your act together!"  And, that is Your kind answer.  I don't want to think what else You are contemplating saying to me. I have to ask for forgiveness often because I don't actually feel all that I am acting out.  And, of course, that shames me.   I blame it on depression.....age......fatigue.....what else is there besides lazy bones behavior.  I look at what I consider what might be problem areas that I could tackle, without moving too much!  Jeepers, Lord!  Everywhere I look seems to be a problem area.  If it's not here at home.....it's at church.  And, I honestly have tried to bow out of a lot of that.  Very seldom, anymore, am I volunteering with my hand waving excitedly, yelling silently, "Pick me, Pick me!  I can do it!"  I have learned something in nearly 50 years of ministry! 

 So.....where do I turn?  What do I do?  What is the answer that would be what I would consider, heaven sent!  Oh Lord...I should know You by now.  When Your children call and I mean even silently.....perhaps,with just a sniffle......Oh my, dear One......You are so special to me.  I wasn't even sure what I was thinking/praying, yesterday. You know me well.....and that I usually am pretty clear about how I feel.  Usually after I "voice" my feelings, I shutter a bit.....wondering if , "Oh, brother, I'm in for it now!"   But, there You were.  In living color and black and white, loud and clear as a bell gonging.......and You were talking to me through Your vessels. You truly are a lamp unto my feet.....and a light unto my path.   I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that You had heard the cries of my heart thoughts......and You were giving me what I needed on the proverbial "silver platter".    So often, I give up.  I don't wait on You.  I go to my inner self and sort of sulk.  

My God lives.  He awaits our cries.....and our pleas.  I  will continue, as I have always tried to do.....to not falter, in my belief that You care and understand.  That You love and forgive as no other.  Thank You, Father.  I will press on to live for You and pray always, in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

Lord, I find it annoying that I have to write a "Lord, Change Me!" prayer before I write a prayer on my blogsite.   I am wondering if I will ever have any peace.  I do have to ask You to give me an understanding of some of my angst.  I read a book several years ago....."Where Does A Mother Go To Resign".  I could easily stand in  that line today.  Except, it's not Motherhood I'd like to resign from.  What I need, Lord....is for You to change my heart to be more empathetic.  I need for You to give me another way to view the actions of others. I need for You to show me how You would feel.....and then maybe, I could follow Your cues.  I feel so disgusted about some of the decisions Your people make.  Of course, (You know how I am), feel that any preaching, teaching, leading or guiding.....has all been for naught.  No one seems to be learning anything.   I realize, dear One, more often than not, the enemy has one thing on his mind.  Making me feel like a total loser.  I do, Lord, constantly fight that imagery.......You know that.....but, You are kind and gracious, loving and fulfilling and  I have to continue to keep my eye on the right prize.  Thank You Father.  I could not make it through without Your help.  

As I moan and groan to You about my recent plight , I think of the warriors for You we read of in the scriptures.  I never thought so much about Moses and Aaron and the Israelites.  I am so glad Lord, to know and perhaps, even understand, how very irate Moses was when he came back  from his time with You and the sacred presentation of the Commandments.  Lord, what in the world!  He entrusted His people to Aaron, while he was gone.  With the miracles the people had seen with their own eyes and the amazing experience it had to have been.....their own selfish desires and impatience drove them to be unruly and impossible to deal with.  Aaron was too weak.....but, remember, he was not God's first choice.....(it was at Moses' request that God granted him a helper). Yeah, I know, Lord.  Here I am "reminding" You of what happened.  It still irks me that Aaron was so swayed by the people and the possibility that Moses might never return.  I don't know what he was thinking.  I don't think he was thinking.  Which in a way, shows me that so many were just as "human" as I am.  Lord.....it honestly scares me that I might have been swayed to that type of behavior.  Jesus.....I need Your intervention on a regular basis.  Why?  Because even though I want to do right......even though I want to act right.....even though I want to talk right.....I don't always.  I guess I sound a little like Paul in his explanation of human behavior  I wish I could be a little better than that.  But, I will work with what I have.  I strive to be the servant for You I should be.  

So.....what did I start complaining about?  I can barely remember.  You are the answer, Lord.  I know that.  I will do what I feel You are leading me to.  I will endeavor to answer when You call.  I will.....according to the plan You have for me.

In all I ask and pray about.....it's all in the name of Jesus.
Amen.