"....even when I fail.....You love me! "

Sorry, Lord.....I really am.....sorry. I have avoided You this week. I haven't felt much like talking.

And, then.....after I go through a week....I am depleted and empty. No matter what I read. No matter who I see. No matter who I have to go talk to ......there seems to be nothing special that speaks to me......nothing. I look into Your wise words and they seem to bounce off the wall like a ball that has no air in it that just drops to the floor. I am sick inside. I know, Lord. It's the way life is at times. I have thought so much about mom's this week. Friends from church have stood by the bedside of their wife and mother this week. They watched her stand on the edge of the Jordan just dipping her toe in the water....(she's afraid of the water, Lord, but You know that) wondering if she should go ahead and go. Her health has been tenuous for so long. She has fought to live. I am numb. Another mother; a missionary and warrior for you... left this world to see all she has waiting for her in heaven. My friend; and her daughter.... buried her yesterday. Another friend is doing all she can to show her daughter how much she loves her even when the choices made are not wise ones. I have not one word of profound advice to give her. (Thank You Lord....for showing me the importance of keeping my mouth shut.) Lord....the silent tears are the ones that speak a special language to You. They are a dialect only You know. I have another friend who is watching her mother try desperately to hang onto her health and her pride. You know, Lord.....I know that I am going to be in that place some day. I'm going to be trying to hold tight to my little possessions and my dignity and wondering if anyone notices that I'm too old to be trusted to do anything alone. I know the days ahead may be filled with sorrow.....and then maybe not so much...You do know what I can handle. But Lord....how do I face what is coming? The power of the unknown wears me out. So, I am thinking that satan jumps all over that and pours it on. I love knowing that You are always lifting me out of that familiar pit. I'm not sure I fall into it on purpose or not. I am grateful though that You continue to stop what You are doing and come to rescue me. I am so very thankful that I can call on You and You do give me guidance. I guess what bothers me is that I tend to "hole" myself up and peruse the obituaries. Please Lord, give me a reprieve. Show me how to keep from moving into sorrow and worry of what is ahead. Help me to concentrate on the power of Your words. Scripture is an awesome tool....but , the devil knows scripture too and used it on You Lord. Of course, You knew how to handle him. With Your power and strength there for the asking.....I can call on You to save me. The part that gets me into trouble though, Lord....is the part where I don't feel like talking. And, yet You acknowlege our groanings and utterances that are unknown even to our own selves. Lord....I need that. The Shove. Remember that, Lord? I can take it from You. I think.

I'm gonna' do better. I promise. Okay, now that I have gotten that out of my system, I feel better.

Lord....all I have asked and given over to Your will, I ask in the name of Jesus. Amen.

KEEPING THE "VICTORY IN JESUS" !

Lord, Right now.....all I can say is "Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! We asked. And, You gave and now we know, it was all YOUR plan, all along! The ministry You sent us yesterday was so fulfilling and rich we know YOU knew how we (my husband and I) needed it. You sent a part of Your very Self to us....and we are blessed and enriched because of it. (Lord....could You help us (me, especially!) not to lose sight of the goal we vowed to You. The ministry of David Ring has touched me in such a unique way, Lord. And, I know my husband feels the same way. From the very first time we heard him speak on television......to yesterday, when we were able to touch him.....Lord.....You have chosen a servant for You that is incomparable to any other. Thank You for rescuing him from the pit of depression and fear. Thank You for showing him how very much You loved him. Thank You for showing him that he was worthy of your love. Thank You for showing him the power of the resurrection. Thank You for giving Him a song.....and the courage to sing it. Lord, what I love is that even when we are overcome with sadness and grief, You can and will give us a song to sing.....and provide the strength to sing it when we actually feel all is lost.....and then, to sing it a little longer when we see THE situation is basically the same............and, wonder of wonders, we are still humming the tune. It is totally amazing to me how YOU do that! But, I don't need to know.....all I care is that You keep doing it. We need You to give us that power on a daily basis....and Lord, I know You will.....I just don't always think I should ask......all the time for the same thing, over and over. But, You promised. And, it is foolish for me not to ask You to provide the sustinance to spiritually survive , with "Victory in Jesus".....when I am commanded to , in the scriptures. Lord, You are such a good God.....even when I do not understand.....and can fly into one of my "righteous anger" moments....and then I take a breath.....and there You are, gently and lovingly saying, "Come unto Me , all ye that are weary and heavy laden"......"forgive and You will be forgiven"..."love Your enemies"....."pray for those that despitefully use you".....and so much more. I am reminded then, and ammend my ways, quickly! Lord, I praise You for pushing me. It is not in "trying but in trusting".......it's not in "weeping but in waiting".....it's not in "wondering but in praying" that we (I) can find the strength in You to keep going, with "Victory in Jesus". I am always going to be in Your debt, Lord. But, that is where I want to be. "Call me, guide me, use me , fill me......I give my life.....to the Potter's Hand." In all I say, Lord......I contend that all is in the name and timing of Jesus, my Lord and Savior. Amen and Amen, again.

"Once again...At the cross, I bow my knee..."

What I really need to do is count the number of requests I have for You today, Lord. There are too many for me to deal with. I try. But, I can't do this. Yesterday, I had chosen a song for our congregation to sing. It's a new one. And, because of time and the tiresome heat issue....I decided to omit it. For today though, it's foremost in my thoughts. Listen, Lord! Here is my
prayer....."O Lord, You've searched me...You know my way....even when I fail You....I know You
love me.....Your holy presence....surrounding me...in every season....I know You love me. I know
You love me. At the cross I bow my knee....where Your blood was shed for me....there's no
greater love than this....You have overcome the grave....Your glory fills the highest place...what
can separate me now. You go before me....You shield my way. Your hand upholds me. I know
You love me.....". And, so it goes. It tells me, Lord, that You know my way. You know what is
up ahead for me to deal with. You know how I will manage each thing. I need You to shut down the issues that overwhelm me and smother me with worry. So often, my need to alleviate the
pressures on others tend to fall into the tentacles of the evil one and I find myself wrapped in the
net of suspicion and anxiety. Please Lord....take care of me and my need to get two steps ahead
of the questions that may arise. I always have had this need to show others I have a handle on
things....that I am "ready for action"....that I can .....that I can.....that I can.....ad nauseum. Lord,
You have searched me. You know my way....(mostly because You saw me being formed in my
Mother's womb.....) even when I fail You (and others,
because I am human)....I know You love me. And, so.....at Your cross I bow my knee, where
Your blood was shed for me....there is NO GREATER LOVE than this. That You care about the
issues that are ahead for me is enough for me. I will cling to this cross, Lord, believing that Your
love and understanding will calm the waters of my anxious mind. I tend to stir the storms that
arise with all of my "borrowing trouble". I suppose it is innate. I want to blame it on something.
Help me Father to be the warrior for You I should be. I always feel I need to be carrying a
weapon....just to ward off the impressions satan implants. Well, okay. I've got it. The Word of
God is as powerful as a double-edged sword.....isn't it, Lord? Then, let's begin using it. Lord,
You used it against the devil Yourself, didn't You? Yes, You did. And, I know that I am able to
call on the Word of God to access the same power. And, so....Lord, I invite You to overwhelm
me with Your words....giving me the confidence to walk into any area of sadness or contention and plead the blood of Jesus. O, Lord....You know me....and You still love me. What a wonderful
gift I have been given. Sweet peace....the gift of God's love. Thank You, dear One. I speak
the name of Jesus in all I ask, think and hope. Amen."

The Fruits of the Spirit....I Can Do it!

Lord, I feel so bothered. When I feel so overwrought, I try to separate each thing and analyze it
until I become more bothered. Then, I know it's time to sit it all at your feet. Could you help me? Would You? I am always annoyed with myself Lord, when the stuff of life wears me down.
Isn't it just life? We just went to honor two of our friends. We pray for and hold the wives of those who have died and mourn with them....and await a phone call about a third. It comes. Lord, I don't like that. Why do events seemingly happen in three's? It appears to be an old wives tale....or however that is phrased. I actually was trying to look it up in scripture to see if
there was a Biblical reference to it. I don't think it should be like that. And, therein....is the
beginning of my angst, Lord. As I entertain those thoughts, I find myself annoyed too with what appears to be SO important to some and little bother to others. It seems that the mantel you hold for all of us is so all encompassing that I do not understand why You put up with us at all.
Each of us has the capability of understanding a certain amount....okay, Lord.....I am talking about me. I have the capability of understanding a certain amount....don't I? But, then....what happens when there is more that you need me to know? I'm not sure I can handle anymore. I
want you to know that I will do all in my power to learn and grow as much as You want me to.
You see, I'm not interested in being so heavenly minded that I am no earthly good. I want to be
understood as I understand. I want to be real. I want the fact that You were born to a virgin
Mother....grew to be a profound and authentic minister of the gospel. One who was ridiculed, persecuted
and crucified.....rose again to prove You were indeed, the Son of God to be the foundation of my
story. I want the stories of the inspired scriptures to be the nurturing of each of the building
blocks of my life. And, then Lord......I want the fruits of the spirit to be evident in my life....over-
whelming me and anyone who looks at me can see. The subject will not be up for debate. There
will be no question.....No matter how differently people view a subject for discussion.....None.
Is that possible, Lord? The scripture says...."but the fruits of the Spirit....love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.....against such there is no
law....." from Gal. 5:22. Lord, as I look at each of those attributes I think to myself...."Can I do
this?" I know that we are not usually pushed to the point of no-return most days. It is the one
time we find our spirit wanting to drift alittle outside the arc of safety that is so dangerous. Just
one time I'd like to let loose......and then, sanity knocks on the door of my mind....and You save
me just in the knick of time. Lord, stand guard at that door . Do not deter. If You have to go for a minute, send someone to guard me carefully. My prayer is to make You proud. My prayer is to not let You down, especially when You are depending on me. Give me Your power, Father.
I cannot do it alone. And, for this.....and all that I lay at Your feet....I ask it all in the name of
Jesus. Amen. P.S. Lord, I just thought of the best scenario for my "Why do things happen in
three's?" The best result for me is: Father. Son. Holy Spirit. End of story! Amen. I feel better.

"Another Year....Another Prayer"

Thank you Lord....for allowing me to have another birthday. I'm not especially crazy about being 67 years old but, the prospect of going back to 39 or 40 is not an ideal I'd like either. I guess there are a few things in my life I wish I could do over, but , not too many. In fact, I don't even care to name one. Nothing comes to mind....yet. I remember when my sweet Mother-in-
law looked at us all at the dinner table one Sunday, and said, if she had it to do over, she would
raise her children the same way. I remember that it inspired a speech from my husband (directed at his Mother ) that she wouldn't soon forget. He wasn't happy because she was so
rigid in her determination to raise him to be a Godly man, that she was adamant he would never
play any sports because she did not want him to wear shorts. I don't know if that was the only
reason but it was all she could manage when questioned about it. He was a very frustrated young man because he had so much natural ability to play about any sport he chose. It was a
hard road to walk on for him. One filled with frustration and anger.....that finger wagging in his face, basically just saying...."because I said so." Lord, how you deal with us is so unlike that. Well, for some I guess they might feel it is like a finger pointing and wagging...."because I
said so".....but, Lord....I see that as Your way of protecting me (us). I know my Mother-in-law saw
it as protecting. She was sure that loving sports as much as her son did, it would eventually
dissuade him from following the Lord. Lord, no one except You knows that fact....
and I would never want to know. ( And, thankfully....You provided that area of forgiveness that we are unable to do on our own and provided my love the peace he had to have in that situation.) I do know , however, that the way we are raised, the parents
we have been born to, our environmental background and the events that take place throughout
all of our growing-up years....have expressed effectiveness on how we react to people and treat
people as adults. There is so much to think about when you go back to your childhood. Your
first memories.....if they are positive or negative and why it matters. It is something I don't find
particularly inspiring. I don't remember it, Lord.... but, one day I was sitting on the floor chewing on something and, my Mother leaned down to me and placed her finger in my mouth to flick out
whatever it was. It happened to be a big old green fly. Yuck! That is not something I remember.....but, I do remember being in my crib....in a little room that had blue wallpaper with
white kitties printed on it. I remember tearing little pieces of it off in between the slats of my
crib. Nothing particularly significant about that memory I guess but a visiting cousin smashing my favorite little cereal bowl on the only big stone in our driveway stands out. I wonder why
he chose to do that. And, I do not remember another thing about it. Did I run to my Mother
and express my sadness and/or anger? I don't remember. Lord, throughout my life, I know there will be places that I will go in my mind and it will make me recall sadness, regret, happy
memories or perhaps, still angry thoughts. Could you.....when I am ready.....show me areas
that will make me test my heart....stir up the conversations that will lead me to understanding
who I am and why I act like I do. My goal dear Lord, is to be the exact specimen You expected
and planned for me to be. If I try to hide what I shouldn't ....even through repressed memories,
I ask that however trying it could be....point it out. Dig it out. Show me so I can understand
better. And, Lord.....if I am looking for trouble where there is none....in the name and power
of Jesus and pleading the blood of Jesus for my safety net.....I forego this area of excavation.
All I need.....and all I want....is Your way and will to be evident in my life. I am filled with
the imperfections that annoy me and often wish I were not so fallible....but Lord, I have given
You over and over the rooms of my heart. You are allowed into every one of them. If there is
any scrubbing to be done....let me know. I'll have to go find my gloves to protect my ailing hands, but I will be glad to get into any cracks and crevices that are keeping me from being
the instrument for You I should be. "Take me, mold me, fill me, use me.....I give my life ....to
the Potter's hand." The song says it perfectly. This year of my life is your's to do with what
You please. I am Your servant. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth....I pray. Amen.

"At the Cross, I Bow My Knee...."

Oh, Lord.....what do I need today? There really needs to be a little more give and take in this relationship.....doesn't there? And, unless You misunderstand.....I am talking about "my end". It seems Lord, that all I do is ask and receive....ask and receive....and then a little more asking and receiving. Yes, it is true....not everything I ask for is
at hand. And, even though I do say "Thank You, Lord!".....it isn't enough either, it seems. But, I do not know another way to please You more. I do pay attention to Your words and I need some added
information to attend to the expectations You have for me. I tend to pay close attention to what
others have written in response to what You have written for us. I wonder, Lord....if I should
concern myself less about what others discern from Your Word....and be a little more cognizant of what You have written that speaks to me directly. I know that the scriptures were written for and about the people who lived in the Biblical Era....but , Lord.....when I replace their
names with mine or ours.....so much makes so much sense that I realize that You really are intent on engaging me in Your precepts. I remember one time, while I was reading and studying for "Lord, Change Me" (by Evelyn Christenson), I saw something about changing...."a little here
and a little there", quoting from Your scriptural inspiration for us. I believe it was Isaiah. Yes,
here it is, Lord....Isaiah 28:13 ".....precept upon precept, line upon line...a little here , a little
there....". I love that , Lord.....because I knew that You were talking to me. I was trying to
change the different areas that You were showing me.....and I remember they (the areas You
wanted me to change) were coming fast and furious.....(while I was "reading 'til God speaks")....and I was getting "like" irked. When I read that portion, I realized that number 1, yes.....You wanted me to change some things. And I knew I wanted to obey You....BUT, there
are times when I NEED A PUSH. And then, number 2, Your way of doing that for me was to show me that little by
little, a push here and a shove there, I was being molded into the image that You always planned for me to be. I will not detour from that plan, Lord. I want You to forever push, nudge
and pick-ax me where I should be. I get lazy. I get so tired. I moan about people and why they
always seem to expect more than I feel I can give.....and then, maybe it's not that "people really
do expect more than I can give".....it might be ME that is assuming that. (Which ultimately is
more likely.) All I can do Lord is lay in Your hands all that concerns me today. My expectations.
My responsibilities. My decisions. My angst. You are in on all of it. I know that when I place
all of these worries and needs into Your hands.....You can deter the unimportant, inspire the decisions,
and , take care of the neediest of the needs. When I place all of this at the Cross, bowing my
knee in the process, I realize that there is no greater love than this....handing this to You and
giving You my blessing! In a fully dedicated and committed relationship to God....Your desire
and mine, should co-incide. This is where I am the most peaceful. And, this is where I want to
live and spend the rest of my days. So....go God! Do what is best for me and help me to never
want to take a side road to get there.
In all, dear One, I ask in Your name and will. Amen.

Sitting at the Feet of Jesus.....today & tomorrow!

Sometimes I wonder why I do this, Lord. I don't mean the "praying" part.....I mean the "writing
the prayer out-loud part". Is it because I want someone to think I'm a great writer and "this
could really help someone" or is it " another way to get noticed" or what? What is it? I don't know. The way I feel most of the time, I should probably keep it all to myself. It's almost like borrowing trouble! I do know that I mostly feel better when I tell You my heart thoughts. If I write in my black and white composition book or I
write on the blogsite and no matter if it is "outloud" or not, I know that You are the One that makes the difference for me. I do feel that telling You the angst in my heart, whether stress
related or the depression speaking....I know that You care. And, if I really need You to lift the
burden, You will. I am blessed. I know it. I breathe in the blessings and appreciate Your kindness in allowing us such wonderful freedom. I, way too often, breed my own depression by
borrowing problems from tomorrow to try to fix today. I know that is not what You want us to do. I worry about the fact that I spend too much time entombed in my own house. I rarely go
outside the doors. Sometimes I worry about that. I fear "someone seeing me in my own yard".
Lord, I know from the outside looking in, white coats could be in my future. But, I tell You that
I depend on You to help me help anyone that needs me today. I often wonder how I can be an
instrument for You when I b asically go nowhere. (I really have quit the shopping thing....it gets
me in too much trouble.) Soooo.....then, I wonder....."How can I be an example for You....or shine the light of Your salvation on anyone when I am sequestered." Lord, when I was answering
questions for the nurse today at the Doctor's office....I found myself giving a fairly religious answer. I think she asked how I deal with the stress areas of our job....and I answered that I
take most of it to prayer.....basically bagging it all....mine and everyone else's and dragging it to
the foot of the cross and leaving it there for You to deal with. Lord, I'm not sure....but, I think
she might have written on my chart that I was crazy for sure....and there was not a speck of hope for me! I do remember that she changed the subject really quickly and we moved on to
"Are there any heart related issues in your history?" If these are the areas that I can still be an ambassador for You....then, I will be content to keep on keeping on and not worry about being
a homebody. It really is where I am most comfortable. Do I ever make sense to You? I do
know that I always feel normal when I am writing to You. It is a solace for me that nothing else
is. It is such a relief to tell You the places where I feel weak. It is a relief to leave the worries
I have in Your hands. When You take my insecurities, my need for approval, my concerns for
our future and place them at Your feet....then I can breathe. Tomorrow will have enough trouble of it's own and I will hand over my concerns then. Until then......You know I need You.
Grant me the grace I need today. Any favor that is available for me.....I'll take too. In all.....I
pray in the name of Jesus. Amen.