"Please Give This Note to Mom, Lord!"

You know, Lord.....I'm sitting here this morning reading a devotional and then perusing the Facebook site.  Reading what other's have written about their Mom's makes me feel a little remiss today.  I need to say something....but, first I feel that I need to speak to her.  So.....would You give her this note. 

Dear Mom.....It's been so long since I wrote You a letter.  I will always wish I had been a better daughter
for you.  I truly do.  There was so much I never understood about our relationship.  So, when we clashed, I was never as respectful as a daughter should be.  If you could say something to me right now....it would probably be ....." Will you stop.  It's okay.  I always knew you loved me."  Right now, this is not good enough for me.  I probably learned more about you,  from the last five years of your life than I would ever believe possible.  I learned how to respect and love you in those years perhaps more than in the years I lived at home with you and daddy and the boys.  And, that is saying a lot.  I saw you become an icon of virtue of the dearest kind.  To see the trauma you endured.....and live through it,  gave me a window to look through on the kind of spiritual resolve and determination it takes to go through the deepest of valley's.  Besides the fact that I felt as a girl and later, young woman,  that I could never please you.....makes me sad.  I suppose all girls feel that way at one time or another.....I just could not step above it.  I was weak and insecure.  Probably Mom, I still suffer from that......but, it still does not excuse my behavior.  I never understood why we could not can pickles without a fuss or why I couldn't run my household without interference.  It was always hard to find some middle ground.  Seeing "eye to eye" was difficult.  Telling you in a less than "honorable" way will forever stay in my memory.  Especially when I realized you really hadn't heard what I said
at all.  But.....then, I saw, what had been there all the time.  The quiet reserve in you that would rise when you found yourself in the saddest place in your life.  I realized then, that I would be the only warrior you had.  Everyone else had to go home.  You and I had to walk that place alone.  With God,
we endured.....didn't we?  He gave us great strength.  He gave us wisdom for the decisions that had to be made.  He gave us so much to giggle over.  Some of those memories are precious to me.  For the arms and legs, hands and feet that would not move anymore, you still  remained regal to me.  Your  heart for ministry never failed you either.  I saw many of the medical staff stand at your bedside and complain about their lives and the failure of their hopes and dreams to ever be realized.  You were doing what I believe was the only form of ministry you could do.  It made me proud of you.  To adjust your capacity to teach, preach and sing to that of laying motionless, just listening.....and to do it with such graceful resolve, was phenomenal.  You were the essence of honor and beauty.  When I think of the legacy you maintained and eventually left for me.....I am honored to be called your daughter.
To think of being such a strong example of  spiritual strength.......makes me left to hope and reach for such a thing as this.  Thank you for loving me.  Praying for me.  I know John may read this later, so, if you can imagine him grimacing :)......."I really do want to be like you."  Strength like yours could only come from the Father.   I love you.   Corrine

Thank you, Jesus....thank You for reminding me of the great task we have.  To live.  To serve.  To envelope each day with the promise of life with You in an eternal home You are building for us as
Your children.  To remember our heritage and the hard choices of life that create the foundation we
live on.  To never forget how we got to where we are.  Whether good or bad.......we are responsible
to create the memory of our own existence.  I pray, dear One, that the memory I create will be a positive one and that it would be envisioned by those who represent us, as inspirational.  All that is said  and thought in this prayer journal.....I write in the name and honor of Jesus Christ.  Amen.

"Something Beautiful"

You know, Lord.....I moan when I don't know what to do.....and I moan when I do.  Lord, sometimes I am so disgusted with who I am......and yet, I see that You, always come back to me and raise me up. Sometimes I feel it.  And then,  sometimes I see what You are suggesting.  I was so touched  when I saw that verse.  I knew immediately that You had allowed me to see the answer You were prompting me to read.    Right now, I can remember only a couple of lines.  Not knowing how to pray or what to pray, I, "in essence" give my heartfelt utterings to You......and, You, in turn give my requests....as You see/hear  them....to the Father.  You discern what is right and good for me.  I rest, knowing that You , Lord.....have heard the inner yearnings of my heart and will give me a sense of peace knowing You have the control.
And so......dear One.....take it.  Take it and let this life, such as it is..... consecrated and obedient....be acceptable in Your sight.  No one understands as You do.  I feel so embarrassed at times, just trying to explain this mood that encumbers me.  And, usually, try not to.  It always makes me feel so broken and useless; un-fixable. Damaged, beyond repair. 
After seeing the damage that ensues when I insist on doing things my  way,  I loved the "head's up" last evening as I looked up a scripture in Prayer Meeting and then saw it on the other page, underlined and blinking in neon lights. "IT" being my answer from You on how to pray.  Sometimes, I feel like Gideon when You sent him on a quest and he didn't know if You really "meant" it.....and then after getting his answer, he needed a little more assurance......and You, gracious God, answered that for him also.
I give You concerns.  I give You what I see as desirous.  I give You right now, any wounds that could
be incurred as I go forth.  Bind them Yourself, Father.  I feel safer that way.  " Something beautiful, something good.  All my confusion.....He understood".....the song writer keys in these special words about the magnificent work You do.  "All I had to offer Him.....was brokenness and pride.....but, He made something beautiful out of my life."  I know, Lord....that these words are not directly from the scriptures, but I feel they were inspired by You. 
Father, no one can hear the cries of a heart song.  No one, but You.  And, so.....in order to allow You freedom
and complete control......I ask You to have an audience with the Father and the Spirit of God.......and discern the direction and path I should follow.  Your will.  Your way.
In the name and will of Jesus, my Savior, I say.....amen.

Lord, when I wake up with a song inspired by You, it always starts my day with a special touch.  Today I saw on facebook that somebody else woke up with a song and it reminded me of how good You are to all of us.  You give us what we need when we need it.  You provide the verses of scripture we need when we need it.  And, You also make us wait....because we do need that too.  That is the one part I am not too crazy about, Lord.  I was going to talk to You today about the issues that I deal with day to day with this psyche of mine.  I get annoyed because I am constantly fighting with this issue of depression.  Actually, Lord....I don't fight very much anymore.  I just let it ride itself out and that is wearisome too.....not so much for me, but for anyone who comes in contact with me.  My husband gets the full brunt of it.  He sees the lackadaisical spirit.  How he manages to be his cheerful, enthusiastic self, living with me, is amazing...especially to me.  One of my daughter's has christened me "Eeyore" from "Winnie the Pooh" fame.  Lord, I have always wanted to be different. Happier.  More energetic.  A visionary.  Like I said....DIFFERENT! I think I could be a better instrument for You if I were.....DIFFERENT!   Unless You change the whole dynamic, I know I will continue out this day as the same as I am now.  I need You Father, to make this okay with me.  Not just the "Suck it up, Buttercup" mentality, but knowing the fact that You understand my wiring.  You know the details of the circuitry.  When I have done all I know to do....and still feel the ensuing sadness...live  for You and work for You as if there is no tomorrow,  You know the wise heart that wrote the devotional I read today.  You know what I was thinking before I even read it.  It encouraged me.  It didn't end with a "storybook" finale.  Storybook endings  are wonderful most of the time.  They make us smile and hope and believe everything will turn out.  But Lord, sometimes the ending is the "ending" and it's not the one we hoped for.  I think, I prefer, that the ending be only "YOUR WILL FOR ME'....no matter what.   And, Lord....You know I am not capable of deciphering what is best for my life.  I have on many, many occasions decided that "this is the way to go".....or....."this is the best thing to do".  And, gone off in a tailspin to conquer the task.  Then, blinking hard at the result and seeing that "I just may have been wrong on this one"....admit defeat.  Only You, Father ....can take the broken pieces I hand You and give me back something that would be described as perfection. If changing me into this "different person" I claim I want to be, would remove these miracles from my life, then I would say..."Lord, throw this request away and replace it with...."Whatever it takes to draw closer to You, Lord....that's what I am willing to be....".  So, with that said, Lord...."Take my life and let it be....consecrated Lord for Thee...Take my hands and let them move a the impulse of Thy love...and my feet....swift and beautiful for Thee....my voice....let me sing always and only for my King....my silver and my gold; not a mite would I withhold.  And, my will..."Make it thine.".
 If I am who You want me to be....then so be it.  I am willing, Lord to be wholly Yours....and happy to do so.  As I write....You inspire me. Thankfully.  And...  You make me glad that I am me.  I guess I don't want to be "DIFFERENT" afterall.   Thank You for the power of the cross and Your willingness to grant me entrance.  In all I say....and pray....the name of Jesus be glorified.  Amen.

"Oh, Lord.....You've Searched Me......"

And, I don't mind asking.....what have You found?  Anything worth salvaging?  The song goes on to say....."You know my way.....even when I fail You......I know You love me."  I can be trying hard.....just moving along with my day to day, and I wonder why I said "that"......or "thought that" .....or "did this".
Or , someone just looks at me after I have said something..... (as happened the other day) ......and I am quickly re-checking what just came out of my mouth and wonder if I need to "fix" it.  Sometimes, I know I would be better off if I just stayed in the mute mode.  Lord, as You know.....and others are soon to find out.......You have Your hands full with my "patched- up" psyche.  I do not understand why I am constantly trying to affirm myself to others.  I can't seem to get it right.  When you find out that your "real self" is itching to get out and you've been playing "Whack 'a' mole" for years with all of the things about your "real self" you don't want to leak out.....it does begin to get tiresome to say the least.
The other day I read a devotion that "Joni and friends" published.  Lord, if someone with such a fabulous ministry and significant life experiences to share can suffer the same self-defeating spirit, I need to try and remain hopeful that you can give me the peace I need to stave off the wiles of satan.
She wrote that her body ached.....she was miserable.....the garments that keep her sitting properly in her wheelchair were giving her a great deal of discomfort.  Trying to keep her mind in perspective of the long air flight she was on.....the comfort of her assistants and husband , not withstanding,  she was just plain annoyed by all of it.  No prayers, or in-flight movies, or plans for tomorrow could settle her mind and spirit.   Lord.....she said something.....and then, You said something back to her that sounds vaguely familiar.  She said something like this to herself......"I don't understand what's wrong with me.....it isn't like me to act like this!"   And, You said back to her......."Yes, it is like you......!"    I've said that Lord.  "It isn't like me to act this way"!  And, making fun of the situation, whatever it is,  has given me a bit of a pass to act or talk unlike the usual "ME" that I allow others to see.  I pray Father, that the times that my resistance is low and the list, unusually long or troublesome........I can insist on the power of the Holy Spirit to sustain me through it all. You know Lord.....something she wrote that resonated with me was the fact that it finally was "getting to her" that the situation she was in was annoying to her because she had NO control over any of it.  You did.  And, Lord......I really think when we are in that kind of "understanding" with You.....there is nothing to do but accept, accept, accept!  We are all in such need of  Your lifting us up and holding us a little more often.  I go off in all the directions, 50 miles an hour,  and find myself along side the road usually in a rut, twenty minutes later.  All my great intentions have slammed to a stand still.  I'm tired.  I'm weary.  I have to re-think.
By then the evil one has given me enough pause to stymie me to submission. 
Lord, it is time to gather up my senses and find the strength in You to give me the power to do the jobs You need for me to do.  Yes, my resolve may be strong but, the drawbacks and potholes in the road to accomplishment often take me totally out of commission.  I don't care for that scenario.  I know You can choose others to do what You planned for me to do.....and when I falter, You may very well do that.....(I don't know) but , when You have a place for me to fill, I want so badly to do the will of Your plan for me.  I can be Your example.  I can be Your hands.  And, if You have words that need to be heard......Oh, Lord........please, help me to use them wisely.
Give me the power of Your Holy Spirit to fill me.  Let me instill the precious sounds of Your comforting words to those that are struggling to hear You.
I bow at the cross, Father.  There is no greater love than to know You take our needs and our heartcries and lift then to Your own self.
All of these requests and thoughts are written in Your name.  Amen.

"This Is My Desire.....To Honor You!"

Lord Jesus......I need to tell You some things.  "This is my desire......to honor You.   Lord, with all my heart ......I worship You.  All I have within me.....I give You praise.....All that I desire.....I have in You.
Here I am to worship.  Here I am to bow down.  Here I am to say that You're my God.  You're altogether lovely.....altogether worthy.....altogether wonderful to me.....".    And, Lord......I know You know I am quoting some praise music here.....but,  I wish I could put the rest of this to music.  That is not a special gift to me though.  I just give You the words in my heart.  It is Your choice to put them to music.  As long as I can keep singing.....and give You the praise.....I am filled to capacity with joy for You. 
I can say I truly am blessed.  I have so much that fills my heart with love and appreciation for You.  I am so touched that You have allowed me first of all.....any wisdom.  I praise You for giving me my life.
(Remember that day Mom looked at me from her hospital bed and responded with "....and that's good?").
She had looked at me and queried that because of  the major stroke and seizures she had endured.....that her "sensibilities" might be affected......and I.....trying to assure her.....said......."Mom, you are fine.....you're just as smart as I am! (or something to that effect.)  To which, she wordlessly replied......"and that's good?".  I remember, we both laughed our heads off.  I remember Father, that throughout the trauma of my Mother's last years of life.....I learned so much about You.....and me.....and her.  Every day that I spent by her bedside.....I learned a little more.  Anyway, Father.....I thank You for the promise of Springtime that You give all of us.  The promise of the rainbow after the storm.  The peace that fills our hearts when we lay our anxieties at Your feet.  No One ever cared for me like You, my dear friend.  You have given me all that I could ever ask for......let alone even think about dreaming.  I am Yours, Lord.   Don't EVER let me forget it.
To enjoy our son for a short time.....entertain his new wife.....and his (also new) Mother and Father-in-law.....is so special.  I praise You for this day and thank You that You allowed us this privilege.  So many of our church family have watched our boy  grow into this responsible young man that we enjoy and that many of them were all  a part of that process is special.   Lord, today is not about the decorating of the gym....or the planned program.....or the dinner.  All that is a part of it but the real reason is the joy we have at seeing Your plan for his life coming to fruition. 
Our lives......our thoughts and plans all depend on the graciousness of You, Lord.  You give us pause.
We live because You allow it.  We are determined because You give us breath.
 Lord, continue to give me the favor You feel I deserve.....and I, will never forget to praise You.
Thank You for the blessing of life.  Thank You for the blessing of peace that reigns in my heart today.
I bless Your name.  I speak in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

I wish I could think clearly when I have a lot on my mind, Lord.  I always......just about always....have to sit down, putting pen to paper or fingers to the keyboard and start talking to You.  You would think that I could stay out of trouble this way, wouldn't You, Father?  Letting You know the ideas that swim around in my head.....the troublesome areas I find I might have to deal with (because I am forever borrowing trouble)....the particular areas of my life that present me with problems.....all of it, Lord.....I can never think properly until I unload it at Your feet.  Sometimes I feel as if I am dragging a big black trash bag behind me all the time.  Isn't that a pleasant picture?  Lord, I'm sorry.  I try to be an example.  I keep  hoping that my relationship with You is quote-worthy and because of my "experiences" think somebody needs to learn from my growth process.....but, Lord.....the longer I live, the worse I get at this.  Why?
Is it because You need to do the teaching?  And I, the encouraging?  I need Your intervention here.  I feel that I need to re-navigate all of my thoughts about growing spiritually.  I do know that seldom do people learn anything by emulating someone's life.  Most of the time, people are thinking....." I don't want to be that kind of Christian." and so they find their own way, whether it is effective or not.  You know me Lord.  You know that I consult You about everything I do nearly.  Even small, inane things.  I am quick to let You know when I have run my mouth and shouldn't have......I have even asked You to erase some stuff for me......but, I know You have lessons for me to learn.....I don't know it all!  Help me to be quicker in consulting You.  Erase from my heart and mind the things that ruin relationships because of being a motor mouth.  Help me see that You alone are the very best teacher one could have. And, that because I think I know best........... I really don't.  Long ago I wrote a quote from Amy Carmichael and  placed it in my Bible.  I didn't want to forget it......I wanted to live it......and I am not sure I even knew how or know now.  Remember Father how she stated it?  "If I belittle those to whom I am called
to serve....speak of their weak points in contrast with what I perceive as my strong points.....if I adopt
a superior attitude--forgetting.....'Who made thee to differ?'  and 'What hast thou that thou hast not
received?'.......Then.......I know nothing of Calvary. "  Lord, when I first read this quote years ago......I determined that I would try to emulate this in my own life.  And, Lord......(?) I really don't think I have done this at all.  I do have to say one thing that I feel is true......I have not meant to make myself lord over anyone.  I intended that my example and experience in the Christian growth process demanded was something I should share.  I think I have to go back to the beginning.  I think I need a transplant.  The bottom line is to emulate You.  Your talk.  Your walk.  Your deeds.   And, as Amy Carmichael stated.....remember Calvary, and what happened there to free me from sin......and the clutches of satan.
It is my hope to remember always that You are Lord of all.....and are well qualified to run the show in my life and in the lives of those we minister to.  Help me to be aware that Your wisdom comes to me in the form of the written word of inspired writers, the holy scriptures......in Your own witness to me through devotional writers.....and how You show me in many ways how You love me.  It has never been a co-incidence to me how You work.   It is truly a gift, Lord.
I enjoyed reading "Joni and Friends" devotional today.  It makes me work harder.  It shows me where I am lacking.  Thank You for shining the light on my heart today.
You make all things well.  You do all things well.  And......You love me.   Thank You for that.  I ask all in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

I think it is so odd that I haven't been able to write "out loud" for the last few weeks.  I've intermittently given my needs and the desires of my heart to You, Lord.....but, I have had such inner peace I couldn't even understand it.  I barely asked.  I just sort of thought....."Help me.....please?"......and You did.  It really didn't seem like prayer.  It was more like the old Shorthand course taught in school.....only in my  thoughts.  How You do that is amazing to me.  It is the only form of magic I believe in.  Your Holy Spirit leading me, guiding me, pushing me, quieting me, loving me.  Hopefully, Lord......through it all.....I trust that I made You proud.  I am so touched at the blessings I have been supplied with.  You have given freely.  You have allowed me to live.  You have given me wisdom when I asked.  You have supplied me with the talent to produce something out of nothing while growing my family.  I appreciate the blessings of the Godly heritage John and I both were given.  At a moments notice I have always known, I could call on You, Lord.  I also knew that.  I thank You and the parents You allowed me to have that the knowledge of Your divine power could go anywhere with us.  The ministry was hard.  I remember as a child, my parents always struggled with the issues of a falling-down-around-us-parsonage and basically no money.  It was just always a fact of our lives.  It was also never something we resented.  It was a fact of life we always had to work around.  And they did.  My parents gave us all we ever really needed.  The Czech cuisine was filling and the dollars stretched where they had to go.  Daddy never complained and mom made us feel like we had all we needed.  And, You know, Lord?  we did.   I am grateful.  You are and always have been....all we need. 
I am thinking of friends who love You, Lord.  And, in my opinion, are in the fire most of the time.  They are reminiscent of the quote that says......"from the frying pan into the fire".......every time you turn around.  I know the outsiders looking onto the situations they entertain think......"What good does it do you to have God on your side.....?".......or ......."What in the world have you done to deserve this kind of grief in your life?"  I know it.  I've heard it.  And, I hate the implication that just because we are "Christian"  and love You......we are never supposed to walk through difficult circumstances.  You, dear One, have been through the fire.  And, You, Lord, deserved none of it.  To us, who are so very human, we often feel as though we are too unequipped to fight the evils that come our way.  I believe, Lord, that we can.....I have, with Your Word to guide me.....and Your children praying for me.....and You, giving me wisdom......I have.  It's life.  No one has an easy time.  I remember when my Mother was found......barely conscious, lying in her apartment.....on the floor.....just waiting for someone to find her.  After two whole days and two nights......not being able to move.....I know she believed in You and the scenario that would follow for all of us...... would eventually draw us closer to You.....knowing that in You and Your teachings were all we could count on. 
And so, Lord.....from the beginning to the end.....I will follow You.  I don't know how it all will go.
I just know that my life is in You.  My hope is in You.  My joy is in You.  And, my belief system will lie in the recesses of my mind and shall not be removed. 
Thank You Father for the love You provide.  Thank You for giving us the desires of our hearts....when we don't even know what that desire is.  You provide.  You give and give and give all that we desire and more.  I am blessed.  I am so aware that I am.  Jesus, I just want to thank You.
In the name of Jesus I pray and give You praise.  Amen.