I am antsy today, Lord. I cannot get anything accomplished until I write. You are such a solace to me.
I can breathe. I can relax. I can see some light. Just positioning my hands on the keyboard and tapping out these words to you makes me feel better. I have noticed such pain in my wrist and thumb when I write anymore....I am glad I have a computer that I can punch out my words with. I've talked with a couple of my girls today so far.....I've written a Thank-You note (two weeks late).....showered, dressed, made my bed.....and just want to talk to You. After losing my first attempt at my blog letter.....I always wonder if You are trying to save my neck because I just typed some useless fodder. You know, though....what I feel and say to You when I write are always of concern to You. I know it. I thank You for being that One that listens to the sorrows, pains, concerns and joys of my heart. When we can enjoy that kind of fellowship, Lord....there is nothing better. I found it so odd the day that lady came to our door asking us for "advice" about a concern she had. I remember asking if she had prayed. Lord, I couldn't believe it when she said she thought she should only consult You for the BIG things. ( You should be so lucky, Lord!) When I heard that I immediately felt guilty for the anxious prayers about parking spots and paint colors! I didn't agonize about it too much, Lord. If I have something that concerns me.......I know that it concerns You. Lord, that was 30 years ago or more. I still am uneasy about bugging You with everything.....but, it goes away :) and You get it all. After our recent trip to New York State to attend a family funeral, I found myself questioning the issues of concern to everyone who is living a distance from their family. When You go back to visit......the changes that have occurred are often so life-altering you can't believe your eyes. I wonder, too often, I suppose.....how our lives will _____. Uh....You know what, Lord? I think since I already wrote this and You perused my concerns......I will leave it all to You. Repeating it is not necessary. I consecrated myself to You long ago. I just want to make the choices that please You....and ones that will let me be the instrument for you that plays the most beautiful music. Whether it is piano, horn or drum. It's all for Your glory. Lord, the joy of singing the song Sunday with the praise team was so fulfilling."Ever Interceding". I am grateful for the fact that You , dear One, intercede for us. I remember looking that word up once making sure I was using it correctly. To believe that You go to Your Father, pleading for our salvation, securing our future and all of the in between concerns.......I can hardly believe that You ask Him to give me mercy and forgiveness and favor.....and grace, too. Lord.....even thinking that You weep together for what could have been humbles me to submission in anything You ask me to do.
I have not always made the wisest decisions, here and there, but , when I placed all of the pieces of a broken dream in Your hands.....You presented back to me a piece so beautiful and rare, I am forever amazed. Obstinacy obviously runs in the family. "Being right" apparently does too. When I present those flaws to You......and ask for Your divine design and favor for my life.....Oh, dear Lord....give me the nudge to pursue all that You intend for me to do. For all that I have discussed and asked for.....I ask in the name of Jesus. Thank You once again. And, again. Amen.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Just Hold His Hand...and Hang on Tight!
The things we encounter in our lives are so hard, Lord. Not all the time, of course.....but, more often than I would like. Too often, though.....I find myself skimming the surface of Your word when "all is well". I know I shouldn't do that....and question my devotional habits. Willing to read more and study more? Too little is often too late. Okay, so to remedy that I should start today.
First.....I thank You for the mountains. And, I thank You for the valley's. And, I thank You for the storms You've brought me through. For if I never had a problem.....how would I know that You could solve it......(?) ....... and , I'd never know what faith in God could do. Through it all......yes, through it all....I've learned to depend on Jesus......I've learned to depend on God. Through it all.....absolutely......unequivocally , I've learned to depend upon You, Lord. No doubt ever that if it were not for my dependence on You, I would be in a tizzy all the time. I have maintained this habit for many years. Yeah.....there are days when someone (most often, husband!) calls me to task(!) but I do depend on your power to supply me with the words I need and use......and then, suppressing my anxious heart to a calmer state. When others are struggling for understanding.....or trying to maintain their sanity in overwhelming situations that come......let me be the instrument for You that will
protect Your words of wisdom to us and give a listening ear. The tongue is far better off to be stilled at this point. So many times, I find myself looking for a "story" from my life that is a close comparison and feel the need to share it. Lord, I really think this is not the time and often a hindrance to the work You need to do.
And, secondly......I defer to You in the areas of life that break my heart. Opinions....mine or anyone
else's are debatable. Your analysis is all I really care about. What to do. How to handle the heartbreaking places in our lives. The conclusions others make about me and the decisions I make. The conclusions I make about the decisions another has made. We handle the sadness's in life very differently, very often. And, I'm not sure, Lord.....but the red tape issues.....the time factors......the "getting-involved-feet-first" mentality.....all of these are different for everyone. Lord, for my family.....for the families that are struggling for answers now......I pray that You, dear One, will provide for each one......what is their own solution. We are so needy, Father. We......rather, I , cannot seem to make a move without You. I sort of really like feeling that You are working "in" and "through me" to the betterment of my life and those I am responsible for.
For the worship I maintain to present each Sunday.....the class I teach....the words I use......make it all benefit Your glory and honor. I praise You, Lord for the power of the word in our lives. I vow , dear One, that I will hold You in high regard and honor You as long as I have breath. When I read through some of the trials and heartbreaking experiences of my life thus far......I can only praise You. I know You lifted me and carried me through much of it......unbeknownst to me......perhaps, all of it. You placed me on the ground to walk on my own when You were sure I could walk along beside You....even a little behind.....making sure, I wouldn't mis-step. Father, You are a gracious God. To think that You talk to Your Father about us and our needs, just touches my heart. The inference that You weep with us when we are broken, makes me want to serve You with all that is within me. Thank You , dear Lord. Thank You for the promise of sins forgiven and a home with You in eternity. I praise Your name.
In the name.....and honor and sweet will of Jesus Christ......I pray. Amen.
First.....I thank You for the mountains. And, I thank You for the valley's. And, I thank You for the storms You've brought me through. For if I never had a problem.....how would I know that You could solve it......(?) ....... and , I'd never know what faith in God could do. Through it all......yes, through it all....I've learned to depend on Jesus......I've learned to depend on God. Through it all.....absolutely......unequivocally , I've learned to depend upon You, Lord. No doubt ever that if it were not for my dependence on You, I would be in a tizzy all the time. I have maintained this habit for many years. Yeah.....there are days when someone (most often, husband!) calls me to task(!) but I do depend on your power to supply me with the words I need and use......and then, suppressing my anxious heart to a calmer state. When others are struggling for understanding.....or trying to maintain their sanity in overwhelming situations that come......let me be the instrument for You that will
protect Your words of wisdom to us and give a listening ear. The tongue is far better off to be stilled at this point. So many times, I find myself looking for a "story" from my life that is a close comparison and feel the need to share it. Lord, I really think this is not the time and often a hindrance to the work You need to do.
And, secondly......I defer to You in the areas of life that break my heart. Opinions....mine or anyone
else's are debatable. Your analysis is all I really care about. What to do. How to handle the heartbreaking places in our lives. The conclusions others make about me and the decisions I make. The conclusions I make about the decisions another has made. We handle the sadness's in life very differently, very often. And, I'm not sure, Lord.....but the red tape issues.....the time factors......the "getting-involved-feet-first" mentality.....all of these are different for everyone. Lord, for my family.....for the families that are struggling for answers now......I pray that You, dear One, will provide for each one......what is their own solution. We are so needy, Father. We......rather, I , cannot seem to make a move without You. I sort of really like feeling that You are working "in" and "through me" to the betterment of my life and those I am responsible for.
For the worship I maintain to present each Sunday.....the class I teach....the words I use......make it all benefit Your glory and honor. I praise You, Lord for the power of the word in our lives. I vow , dear One, that I will hold You in high regard and honor You as long as I have breath. When I read through some of the trials and heartbreaking experiences of my life thus far......I can only praise You. I know You lifted me and carried me through much of it......unbeknownst to me......perhaps, all of it. You placed me on the ground to walk on my own when You were sure I could walk along beside You....even a little behind.....making sure, I wouldn't mis-step. Father, You are a gracious God. To think that You talk to Your Father about us and our needs, just touches my heart. The inference that You weep with us when we are broken, makes me want to serve You with all that is within me. Thank You , dear Lord. Thank You for the promise of sins forgiven and a home with You in eternity. I praise Your name.
In the name.....and honor and sweet will of Jesus Christ......I pray. Amen.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
In The Light of Thy Love, Lord......I Live!
Why is it......why can't I think....unless I make myself sit down and write? It's so odd, Lord. It never seems to keep me from sitting down any other time! Does it? Is it because I have to become quiet before You?
Is it because.....any other time, You can't get a word in edgewise? That bothers me a little. You should always have access to my heart and thoughts. (Feel free to interrupt anytime, Lord!) Even as I age and seem to grow less active , my mind swirls and churns as furious as it always has.
So much has happened. So much has been prayed for and answered. Almost to the point of , "Wow, Lord! I didn't expect that answer so soon!" It's exciting and scary at the same time. There are times in past prayers where I moaned and groaned about wa-i-t-i-n-g forever for an answer from you......and not quite receiving the answer I'd hoped for. And, then.....like never.......! Of course, Lord.....I do know....(on my sane days)......no answer is an answer. Eventually I see how wise You are in being in the driver's seat of my life. Still, after all these years of writing you my angst and yearnings.....I know that placing my need for the resolving of any of my anxieties in Your hands is the one thing I can do that gives me peace.
I have written so much about my mother, lately. I know there are days the devil delights in bringing up issue after issue that plagued me when I was a girl and on into womanhood about my relationship with mom. I have resolved those issues over and over and shook my invisible list at the enemy knowing you have it all at the bottom of the sea......yet still he taunts and scoffs at my efforts to be free.
Today, I celebrate with my daughter and her family at the graduation of her daughter. Unbelievably, she has blossomed into this marvelous young woman headed to a big city college and we're happy and delighted to see her go...sort of. There are a lot of "But's and And's.....along with "How is this possible?" and "When did she grow up? But, Lord.....as I see her ready herself for this new adventure.....I remember so vividly when she was born and had been brought home to her tiny little room her new mommy and daddy and I had created. The season's worst snowstorm and a pretty chilly apartment were all part of the excitement. But, nothing prepared me for the wee hours of the morning when my husband called and told me my mother was in the process of dying in the Rehab Hospital she had been in for several years. I looked down at this tiny bundle I had just fed so her mother could rest and recuperate.....and thought......"What do I do?" I hate to even write it out loud, Lord. I don't think anyone could really understand my heart and desire to be two places at once. I remember, thinking this as my husband and I talked, Lord. I had spent five years attending to the needs of my mom as efficiently as I knew how to do. I prayed desperately for all of that time to be all she needed me to be. I realized that I had done all I could do for her. She was safe.......well cared for.....and on her way to You, Lord. I knew she would be alright. And, so.....I made the decision to stay with my daughter and her precious new little one....and to take care of her. Somehow, I felt that it was where I should be. Also, there was quite a bit of distance to go.....and I knew my dear son-in-law would take me even with the treacherous roads.....but, I didn't regret the decision then. And, I don't regret it now.....it's just that, on occasion, I remember making that decision and question myself over again. Lord, those moments in time where a decision can follow you forever are moments that are best layed at the foot of the cross. I did what I felt was right for my daughter. Until then, all of my energy was taken up with the concerns of my mother's care, health and well-being. When I look at my granddaughter now and see the energy and hope for the future that she exudes, I am so proud of the young woman she has become. She will glow and grow. She will remember the truths of the scripture that have been taught to her as a guide for her to follow. I pray, Father.....that You will give her the wisdom and tenacity to follow the desires of her heart and the plan you have laid out for her. I know You need her in the battle we fight each day. Make her strong and resilient to the wiles of the evil one.
You , Oh Lord.....are the only source of strength and reserve we have. Help me to remember it always. To never give up.....to run the race with the perseverance that Paul did. I want to be that example for as long as You allow me the breath to do so.
For the needs we have.....for the desires of our hearts.....for the things we don't need and just want.....Lord, forgive us for being such a needy lot.....but , grant us Your favor. One more time.
I speak all in the name and will of Jesus Christ. Amen.
Is it because.....any other time, You can't get a word in edgewise? That bothers me a little. You should always have access to my heart and thoughts. (Feel free to interrupt anytime, Lord!) Even as I age and seem to grow less active , my mind swirls and churns as furious as it always has.
So much has happened. So much has been prayed for and answered. Almost to the point of , "Wow, Lord! I didn't expect that answer so soon!" It's exciting and scary at the same time. There are times in past prayers where I moaned and groaned about wa-i-t-i-n-g forever for an answer from you......and not quite receiving the answer I'd hoped for. And, then.....like never.......! Of course, Lord.....I do know....(on my sane days)......no answer is an answer. Eventually I see how wise You are in being in the driver's seat of my life. Still, after all these years of writing you my angst and yearnings.....I know that placing my need for the resolving of any of my anxieties in Your hands is the one thing I can do that gives me peace.
I have written so much about my mother, lately. I know there are days the devil delights in bringing up issue after issue that plagued me when I was a girl and on into womanhood about my relationship with mom. I have resolved those issues over and over and shook my invisible list at the enemy knowing you have it all at the bottom of the sea......yet still he taunts and scoffs at my efforts to be free.
Today, I celebrate with my daughter and her family at the graduation of her daughter. Unbelievably, she has blossomed into this marvelous young woman headed to a big city college and we're happy and delighted to see her go...sort of. There are a lot of "But's and And's.....along with "How is this possible?" and "When did she grow up? But, Lord.....as I see her ready herself for this new adventure.....I remember so vividly when she was born and had been brought home to her tiny little room her new mommy and daddy and I had created. The season's worst snowstorm and a pretty chilly apartment were all part of the excitement. But, nothing prepared me for the wee hours of the morning when my husband called and told me my mother was in the process of dying in the Rehab Hospital she had been in for several years. I looked down at this tiny bundle I had just fed so her mother could rest and recuperate.....and thought......"What do I do?" I hate to even write it out loud, Lord. I don't think anyone could really understand my heart and desire to be two places at once. I remember, thinking this as my husband and I talked, Lord. I had spent five years attending to the needs of my mom as efficiently as I knew how to do. I prayed desperately for all of that time to be all she needed me to be. I realized that I had done all I could do for her. She was safe.......well cared for.....and on her way to You, Lord. I knew she would be alright. And, so.....I made the decision to stay with my daughter and her precious new little one....and to take care of her. Somehow, I felt that it was where I should be. Also, there was quite a bit of distance to go.....and I knew my dear son-in-law would take me even with the treacherous roads.....but, I didn't regret the decision then. And, I don't regret it now.....it's just that, on occasion, I remember making that decision and question myself over again. Lord, those moments in time where a decision can follow you forever are moments that are best layed at the foot of the cross. I did what I felt was right for my daughter. Until then, all of my energy was taken up with the concerns of my mother's care, health and well-being. When I look at my granddaughter now and see the energy and hope for the future that she exudes, I am so proud of the young woman she has become. She will glow and grow. She will remember the truths of the scripture that have been taught to her as a guide for her to follow. I pray, Father.....that You will give her the wisdom and tenacity to follow the desires of her heart and the plan you have laid out for her. I know You need her in the battle we fight each day. Make her strong and resilient to the wiles of the evil one.
You , Oh Lord.....are the only source of strength and reserve we have. Help me to remember it always. To never give up.....to run the race with the perseverance that Paul did. I want to be that example for as long as You allow me the breath to do so.
For the needs we have.....for the desires of our hearts.....for the things we don't need and just want.....Lord, forgive us for being such a needy lot.....but , grant us Your favor. One more time.
I speak all in the name and will of Jesus Christ. Amen.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
"Just a Little Talk With Jesus Makes It Right!"
I am not sure what to do today. There are a few things on the list. But, I keep coming back to You, Lord. So often, I cannot move into my day without clearing my slate. Was it John Wesley that said something like, "I have so much to do.....I must spend three hours in prayer....." ? Well, You and I know, Lord......that I have rarely, if ever.... spent three hours praying....but that aside, my time with You is so very precious to me. It is the connection to You alone that I cherish. And, very often, time vanishes because there is nothing more important than baring my soul to You when I write. There is nothing earthshaking happening or a huge list of things to do..... but, I am urged to talk to You and then to tell You how relieved I am for obeying the prompting of Your Holy Spirit to write to Mom. Lord, I do wonder if she read it....or if you read it to her or if she was upset by all I wrote. You know, the "outloud" thing? Did she understand my thinking? Talk to her, Lord......she'll understand You.
I find that the relationships of Mothers and daughters are so complicated at times. I don't think anyone wants that.
Why is it so hard to understand the thought process of someone else? Why is it we see our own thoughts and feelings so "understandable" or "natural" or "perfect"? Lord, why is it so easy to have an answer for everyone else's life? I read long ago that a surefire way to know if you are a mature
individual....is that you accept responsibility for your own behavior; whether it is negative or positive.
You are responsible for your words. You are responsible for your decisions. Lord.....I would love to
be on record with you that I aim to make sure at this age in my life....I will be responsible for my behavior. Whether it is the words I use in an interaction with another individual or the decision to eat something that offends my system. Lord....I contend that my decisions occasionally clash with another....and my "years of wisdom" not withstanding.....I am not always right. It's so hard to admit that. As I read the devotionals from day to day.....trying to gain wisdom from your word and hoping that there is NOT something in particular I need to change.... (?)....Well, Lord...... I need Your constant watch and care. I do know that. It is not something I necessarily like but, it is something I desire. It is something I've come to depend upon. Your divine Word......giving me hope.....instruction.....assurance and those mental check-ups that I would rather not see......but, I thank You for anyway. Thank You for helping me see the areas of life that will benefit me being a better instrument
for You. When I think that my behavior and/or words will offend or dishearten another soul ....it discourages me and hurts me and, I'm sure, will mar my testimony. I know there are times when I do feel disgusted with another and would like to set them straight quickly(!) but I also know that in some cases they want so badly to please You too, as I do. Well then, Lord, I need desperately for You to super-impose Your opinion on me. (You know, Lord. Help me to ZIP IT!!!) I think it is so wonderful when You step in and ensure us by Your Word of Knowledge, that You will do what is necessary. And, then.....when we see what You have done.....it helps us to be a little stronger the next time. I have always thought my interference (I like to think of it as help!!) in your work would make things easier for You. I will try to leave the "heavy lifting" for You. For me and anyone else that loves You.... we surely have enough to do to keep our own home ready for inspection. I will remind myself of my own life verse.....in my words. "Oh Lord.....let the words that come out of my mouth and the thoughts and feelings that congregate in my heart and mind.....Oh, Lord.....let them all be acceptable in Your sight, Dear One, my strength and my Redeemer. " Psalm 19:14 .
For my concerns, my husband and family and the people I am called to minister to, I require Your intervention, Lord. I need Your strength and wisdom....and I ask all in the name of Jesus. Amen.
I find that the relationships of Mothers and daughters are so complicated at times. I don't think anyone wants that.
Why is it so hard to understand the thought process of someone else? Why is it we see our own thoughts and feelings so "understandable" or "natural" or "perfect"? Lord, why is it so easy to have an answer for everyone else's life? I read long ago that a surefire way to know if you are a mature
individual....is that you accept responsibility for your own behavior; whether it is negative or positive.
You are responsible for your words. You are responsible for your decisions. Lord.....I would love to
be on record with you that I aim to make sure at this age in my life....I will be responsible for my behavior. Whether it is the words I use in an interaction with another individual or the decision to eat something that offends my system. Lord....I contend that my decisions occasionally clash with another....and my "years of wisdom" not withstanding.....I am not always right. It's so hard to admit that. As I read the devotionals from day to day.....trying to gain wisdom from your word and hoping that there is NOT something in particular I need to change.... (?)....Well, Lord...... I need Your constant watch and care. I do know that. It is not something I necessarily like but, it is something I desire. It is something I've come to depend upon. Your divine Word......giving me hope.....instruction.....assurance and those mental check-ups that I would rather not see......but, I thank You for anyway. Thank You for helping me see the areas of life that will benefit me being a better instrument
for You. When I think that my behavior and/or words will offend or dishearten another soul ....it discourages me and hurts me and, I'm sure, will mar my testimony. I know there are times when I do feel disgusted with another and would like to set them straight quickly(!) but I also know that in some cases they want so badly to please You too, as I do. Well then, Lord, I need desperately for You to super-impose Your opinion on me. (You know, Lord. Help me to ZIP IT!!!) I think it is so wonderful when You step in and ensure us by Your Word of Knowledge, that You will do what is necessary. And, then.....when we see what You have done.....it helps us to be a little stronger the next time. I have always thought my interference (I like to think of it as help!!) in your work would make things easier for You. I will try to leave the "heavy lifting" for You. For me and anyone else that loves You.... we surely have enough to do to keep our own home ready for inspection. I will remind myself of my own life verse.....in my words. "Oh Lord.....let the words that come out of my mouth and the thoughts and feelings that congregate in my heart and mind.....Oh, Lord.....let them all be acceptable in Your sight, Dear One, my strength and my Redeemer. " Psalm 19:14 .
For my concerns, my husband and family and the people I am called to minister to, I require Your intervention, Lord. I need Your strength and wisdom....and I ask all in the name of Jesus. Amen.
Monday, May 14, 2012
"Please Give This Note to Mom, Lord!"
You know, Lord.....I'm sitting here this morning reading a devotional and then perusing the Facebook site. Reading what other's have written about their Mom's makes me feel a little remiss today. I need to say something....but, first I feel that I need to speak to her. So.....would You give her this note.
Dear Mom.....It's been so long since I wrote You a letter. I will always wish I had been a better daughter
for you. I truly do. There was so much I never understood about our relationship. So, when we clashed, I was never as respectful as a daughter should be. If you could say something to me right now....it would probably be ....." Will you stop. It's okay. I always knew you loved me." Right now, this is not good enough for me. I probably learned more about you, from the last five years of your life than I would ever believe possible. I learned how to respect and love you in those years perhaps more than in the years I lived at home with you and daddy and the boys. And, that is saying a lot. I saw you become an icon of virtue of the dearest kind. To see the trauma you endured.....and live through it, gave me a window to look through on the kind of spiritual resolve and determination it takes to go through the deepest of valley's. Besides the fact that I felt as a girl and later, young woman, that I could never please you.....makes me sad. I suppose all girls feel that way at one time or another.....I just could not step above it. I was weak and insecure. Probably Mom, I still suffer from that......but, it still does not excuse my behavior. I never understood why we could not can pickles without a fuss or why I couldn't run my household without interference. It was always hard to find some middle ground. Seeing "eye to eye" was difficult. Telling you in a less than "honorable" way will forever stay in my memory. Especially when I realized you really hadn't heard what I said
at all. But.....then, I saw, what had been there all the time. The quiet reserve in you that would rise when you found yourself in the saddest place in your life. I realized then, that I would be the only warrior you had. Everyone else had to go home. You and I had to walk that place alone. With God,
we endured.....didn't we? He gave us great strength. He gave us wisdom for the decisions that had to be made. He gave us so much to giggle over. Some of those memories are precious to me. For the arms and legs, hands and feet that would not move anymore, you still remained regal to me. Your heart for ministry never failed you either. I saw many of the medical staff stand at your bedside and complain about their lives and the failure of their hopes and dreams to ever be realized. You were doing what I believe was the only form of ministry you could do. It made me proud of you. To adjust your capacity to teach, preach and sing to that of laying motionless, just listening.....and to do it with such graceful resolve, was phenomenal. You were the essence of honor and beauty. When I think of the legacy you maintained and eventually left for me.....I am honored to be called your daughter.
To think of being such a strong example of spiritual strength.......makes me left to hope and reach for such a thing as this. Thank you for loving me. Praying for me. I know John may read this later, so, if you can imagine him grimacing :)......."I really do want to be like you." Strength like yours could only come from the Father. I love you. Corrine
Thank you, Jesus....thank You for reminding me of the great task we have. To live. To serve. To envelope each day with the promise of life with You in an eternal home You are building for us as
Your children. To remember our heritage and the hard choices of life that create the foundation we
live on. To never forget how we got to where we are. Whether good or bad.......we are responsible
to create the memory of our own existence. I pray, dear One, that the memory I create will be a positive one and that it would be envisioned by those who represent us, as inspirational. All that is said and thought in this prayer journal.....I write in the name and honor of Jesus Christ. Amen.
Dear Mom.....It's been so long since I wrote You a letter. I will always wish I had been a better daughter
for you. I truly do. There was so much I never understood about our relationship. So, when we clashed, I was never as respectful as a daughter should be. If you could say something to me right now....it would probably be ....." Will you stop. It's okay. I always knew you loved me." Right now, this is not good enough for me. I probably learned more about you, from the last five years of your life than I would ever believe possible. I learned how to respect and love you in those years perhaps more than in the years I lived at home with you and daddy and the boys. And, that is saying a lot. I saw you become an icon of virtue of the dearest kind. To see the trauma you endured.....and live through it, gave me a window to look through on the kind of spiritual resolve and determination it takes to go through the deepest of valley's. Besides the fact that I felt as a girl and later, young woman, that I could never please you.....makes me sad. I suppose all girls feel that way at one time or another.....I just could not step above it. I was weak and insecure. Probably Mom, I still suffer from that......but, it still does not excuse my behavior. I never understood why we could not can pickles without a fuss or why I couldn't run my household without interference. It was always hard to find some middle ground. Seeing "eye to eye" was difficult. Telling you in a less than "honorable" way will forever stay in my memory. Especially when I realized you really hadn't heard what I said
at all. But.....then, I saw, what had been there all the time. The quiet reserve in you that would rise when you found yourself in the saddest place in your life. I realized then, that I would be the only warrior you had. Everyone else had to go home. You and I had to walk that place alone. With God,
we endured.....didn't we? He gave us great strength. He gave us wisdom for the decisions that had to be made. He gave us so much to giggle over. Some of those memories are precious to me. For the arms and legs, hands and feet that would not move anymore, you still remained regal to me. Your heart for ministry never failed you either. I saw many of the medical staff stand at your bedside and complain about their lives and the failure of their hopes and dreams to ever be realized. You were doing what I believe was the only form of ministry you could do. It made me proud of you. To adjust your capacity to teach, preach and sing to that of laying motionless, just listening.....and to do it with such graceful resolve, was phenomenal. You were the essence of honor and beauty. When I think of the legacy you maintained and eventually left for me.....I am honored to be called your daughter.
To think of being such a strong example of spiritual strength.......makes me left to hope and reach for such a thing as this. Thank you for loving me. Praying for me. I know John may read this later, so, if you can imagine him grimacing :)......."I really do want to be like you." Strength like yours could only come from the Father. I love you. Corrine
Thank you, Jesus....thank You for reminding me of the great task we have. To live. To serve. To envelope each day with the promise of life with You in an eternal home You are building for us as
Your children. To remember our heritage and the hard choices of life that create the foundation we
live on. To never forget how we got to where we are. Whether good or bad.......we are responsible
to create the memory of our own existence. I pray, dear One, that the memory I create will be a positive one and that it would be envisioned by those who represent us, as inspirational. All that is said and thought in this prayer journal.....I write in the name and honor of Jesus Christ. Amen.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
"Something Beautiful"
You know, Lord.....I moan when I don't know what to do.....and I moan when I do. Lord, sometimes I am so disgusted with who I am......and yet, I see that You, always come back to me and raise me up. Sometimes I feel it. And then, sometimes I see what You are suggesting. I was so touched when I saw that verse. I knew immediately that You had allowed me to see the answer You were prompting me to read. Right now, I can remember only a couple of lines. Not knowing how to pray or what to pray, I, "in essence" give my heartfelt utterings to You......and, You, in turn give my requests....as You see/hear them....to the Father. You discern what is right and good for me. I rest, knowing that You , Lord.....have heard the inner yearnings of my heart and will give me a sense of peace knowing You have the control.
And so......dear One.....take it. Take it and let this life, such as it is..... consecrated and obedient....be acceptable in Your sight. No one understands as You do. I feel so embarrassed at times, just trying to explain this mood that encumbers me. And, usually, try not to. It always makes me feel so broken and useless; un-fixable. Damaged, beyond repair.
After seeing the damage that ensues when I insist on doing things my way, I loved the "head's up" last evening as I looked up a scripture in Prayer Meeting and then saw it on the other page, underlined and blinking in neon lights. "IT" being my answer from You on how to pray. Sometimes, I feel like Gideon when You sent him on a quest and he didn't know if You really "meant" it.....and then after getting his answer, he needed a little more assurance......and You, gracious God, answered that for him also.
I give You concerns. I give You what I see as desirous. I give You right now, any wounds that could
be incurred as I go forth. Bind them Yourself, Father. I feel safer that way. " Something beautiful, something good. All my confusion.....He understood".....the song writer keys in these special words about the magnificent work You do. "All I had to offer Him.....was brokenness and pride.....but, He made something beautiful out of my life." I know, Lord....that these words are not directly from the scriptures, but I feel they were inspired by You.
Father, no one can hear the cries of a heart song. No one, but You. And, so.....in order to allow You freedom
and complete control......I ask You to have an audience with the Father and the Spirit of God.......and discern the direction and path I should follow. Your will. Your way.
In the name and will of Jesus, my Savior, I say.....amen.
And so......dear One.....take it. Take it and let this life, such as it is..... consecrated and obedient....be acceptable in Your sight. No one understands as You do. I feel so embarrassed at times, just trying to explain this mood that encumbers me. And, usually, try not to. It always makes me feel so broken and useless; un-fixable. Damaged, beyond repair.
After seeing the damage that ensues when I insist on doing things my way, I loved the "head's up" last evening as I looked up a scripture in Prayer Meeting and then saw it on the other page, underlined and blinking in neon lights. "IT" being my answer from You on how to pray. Sometimes, I feel like Gideon when You sent him on a quest and he didn't know if You really "meant" it.....and then after getting his answer, he needed a little more assurance......and You, gracious God, answered that for him also.
I give You concerns. I give You what I see as desirous. I give You right now, any wounds that could
be incurred as I go forth. Bind them Yourself, Father. I feel safer that way. " Something beautiful, something good. All my confusion.....He understood".....the song writer keys in these special words about the magnificent work You do. "All I had to offer Him.....was brokenness and pride.....but, He made something beautiful out of my life." I know, Lord....that these words are not directly from the scriptures, but I feel they were inspired by You.
Father, no one can hear the cries of a heart song. No one, but You. And, so.....in order to allow You freedom
and complete control......I ask You to have an audience with the Father and the Spirit of God.......and discern the direction and path I should follow. Your will. Your way.
In the name and will of Jesus, my Savior, I say.....amen.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Lord, when I wake up with a song inspired by You, it always starts my day with a special touch. Today I saw on facebook that somebody else woke up with a song and it reminded me of how good You are to all of us. You give us what we need when we need it. You provide the verses of scripture we need when we need it. And, You also make us wait....because we do need that too. That is the one part I am not too crazy about, Lord. I was going to talk to You today about the issues that I deal with day to day with this psyche of mine. I get annoyed because I am constantly fighting with this issue of depression. Actually, Lord....I don't fight very much anymore. I just let it ride itself out and that is wearisome too.....not so much for me, but for anyone who comes in contact with me. My husband gets the full brunt of it. He sees the lackadaisical spirit. How he manages to be his cheerful, enthusiastic self, living with me, is amazing...especially to me. One of my daughter's has christened me "Eeyore" from "Winnie the Pooh" fame. Lord, I have always wanted to be different. Happier. More energetic. A visionary. Like I said....DIFFERENT! I think I could be a better instrument for You if I were.....DIFFERENT! Unless You change the whole dynamic, I know I will continue out this day as the same as I am now. I need You Father, to make this okay with me. Not just the "Suck it up, Buttercup" mentality, but knowing the fact that You understand my wiring. You know the details of the circuitry. When I have done all I know to do....and still feel the ensuing sadness...live for You and work for You as if there is no tomorrow, You know the wise heart that wrote the devotional I read today. You know what I was thinking before I even read it. It encouraged me. It didn't end with a "storybook" finale. Storybook endings are wonderful most of the time. They make us smile and hope and believe everything will turn out. But Lord, sometimes the ending is the "ending" and it's not the one we hoped for. I think, I prefer, that the ending be only "YOUR WILL FOR ME'....no matter what. And, Lord....You know I am not capable of deciphering what is best for my life. I have on many, many occasions decided that "this is the way to go".....or....."this is the best thing to do". And, gone off in a tailspin to conquer the task. Then, blinking hard at the result and seeing that "I just may have been wrong on this one"....admit defeat. Only You, Father ....can take the broken pieces I hand You and give me back something that would be described as perfection. If changing me into this "different person" I claim I want to be, would remove these miracles from my life, then I would say..."Lord, throw this request away and replace it with...."Whatever it takes to draw closer to You, Lord....that's what I am willing to be....". So, with that said, Lord...."Take my life and let it be....consecrated Lord for Thee...Take my hands and let them move a the impulse of Thy love...and my feet....swift and beautiful for Thee....my voice....let me sing always and only for my King....my silver and my gold; not a mite would I withhold. And, my will..."Make it thine.".
If I am who You want me to be....then so be it. I am willing, Lord to be wholly Yours....and happy to do so. As I write....You inspire me. Thankfully. And... You make me glad that I am me. I guess I don't want to be "DIFFERENT" afterall. Thank You for the power of the cross and Your willingness to grant me entrance. In all I say....and pray....the name of Jesus be glorified. Amen.
If I am who You want me to be....then so be it. I am willing, Lord to be wholly Yours....and happy to do so. As I write....You inspire me. Thankfully. And... You make me glad that I am me. I guess I don't want to be "DIFFERENT" afterall. Thank You for the power of the cross and Your willingness to grant me entrance. In all I say....and pray....the name of Jesus be glorified. Amen.
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