Good morning, Lord.  I've awoken and don't seem to feel very tired.   I yawned my way through the day yesterday.....and now?
Nothing.  There is much to pray for.  That is always a fact.  And, the questions that bombard us, only tend to show us how little we really know.  After discussing a song our praise team sings today, I find myself singing it in my mind.....over and over.  These past few weeks, there have been so many odd occurrences, one after the other, I wonder how long it will be when the actual day will happen.  You know, Lord.  The one where You decide to come and get us, as Your children, and take us to be with You.  And, the song, as I repeat the lines, takes on so much meaning.  "I can only imagine....what it will be like....when I walk by Your side....I can only imagine....what my eyes will see.....when Your face....is before me....I can only imagine.  Surrounded by Your presence, what will my heart sing....".  Oh, my....dear One.....who wants to sleep then?  There will be much to see and hear.  There will be many to find who have gone on before us.  And, dear One....there will be You.  As mouthy as I find myself at times when we talk....I have a feeling, that You will find me rather quiet....awe-struck, perhaps.  "Will I stand in Your presence?  Or, to my knees will I fall.....?  Will I be able to speak at all? "  I do know this.  I will be forever grateful that You have received me and welcomed me to this beautiful place to live with You eternally. 
My goal and my primary focus, has been to "make it"!  To live according to Your will and plan for me has been quite the  journey, so far.   So much of my attention has been spent bemoaning the mistakes and the quiet, stubborn will I have nurtured along the way.  So much so, that I forget to remember that You can change our failures into  miracles.  Remember the song written years ago....."Something Beautiful"? How perfect the words were for the likes of us, who often feel so worthless.  "All my confusion.....You understood.....All I had to offer You was brokenness and strife.....but, You made something beautiful out of my life."  The choices, Lord.  Often, that is what gives us so much grief.  Sometimes, I have witnessed what seems impossible to fix.....fixed.  I wish I could yell it to everyone and make them listen.  What?  WHY  DON'T  YOU  PRAY  ABOUT  IT?  Naturally, Lord.....I realize that even after prayers have been prayed and doors seem to be ajar.....seemingly for us to go through (?)...and then, "Lo, and behold", we find it might not have been the right move.  Well, Lord.....I do know You give us rest and relief after awhile.  I remember tears shed, prayers written, and the fear of rejection realized.   I guess those would be what they call nowadays ......."teachable moments".  I think, by now, I should be a genius, Lord!  
I will remain though, Your servant, dear One.  As long as You allow me to live here on earth......I pray for divine guidance.  I want the "wrong choices" to stop.  I'm not very good at making decisions.  I analyze everything to pieces.  Somehow, Lord.....You and I have to come to the right conclusion.  I believe in the life of a Christ-centered Christian.....Your divine will for us is hovering within reach.  Sometimes, a little beyond my reach, I have to actually move to take hold of it.  But, the peace that comes with that decision, makes it pleasing to me and to You.
Lord, until I see Your face.....I want my will to coincide with Your will.  In all I do....I worship You.
In the name of Jesus Christ I pray.  Amen.

As usual, Lord, I am not keeping up my end of the bargain.  Of course, I know.....there really is no bargaining at all.....but, I still haven't done my part in our relationship.  You give, You bless, You provide, You pray, You forgive, and You love.  All of these things and so much more, I depend on from You.  Oh, dear One, how would I live without You.  There are so many blessings to thank You for.  I am so thankful for the years I have been given to live and work for You.  I have been blessed to serve.  I know too, that there have been times I didn't feel so blessed.  I moaned about being overwhelmed with jobs that I said "Yes, I'll be glad to do it!" to .....and realized years later, it wasn't always necessary for me to do the job.  Too often, I thought I was the "preacher's wife" and should do whatever I was asked to do.  One day I realized that the biggest responsibility I had was to nurture our family.  Children have to be given guidelines and taught responsibilities.  Discipline and loving assurance have to be part of the process in their growth.  I remember when that fact was shown to me one day.  All things have their time and place, all ordered by You.  I didn't realize You had a plan all along.  I remember being so frustrated because it didn't appear like You had a way for me to use my talents. I am thankful, Lord, that You did allow me to fulfill so many of my heartfelt desires.  The music. (my heart).  The nursing care that I felt so strongly about.  (When I was able to be a Caregiver for several....I felt Your strength.)  The teaching. (Classes in Women's ministry, Sunday School, Marriage Counseling) All of these things were allowed by You for me to enjoy throughout the years of our ministry.  You truly do give us far and away,  the desires of our hearts......and on top of that.....You give us "above all we could ask or think".  Lord, I thank You for the mountains and the valley's.  While I felt like I was entertaining angels on the mountaintop.....I knew You were helping me keep the door closed when the enemy was pressing in, closer and closer, to ruin what You had accomplished while allowing me to help You.  We couldn't let him win Lord.  He aims to ruin it all.  After all these years, I thank You for empowering me to keep him away.  
Lord, the process of keeping him away.....calling on You.....speaking Your name.....Pleading the blood You shed for us.  Lord, we do ask repeatedly for You to fulfill the desires of our hearts.....to bless our lives.....to give us Your wisdom.....until I sometimes wonder if You tire of our requests.  I know, I have stopped asking.....many times....(but, not for very long!) thinking that You would expect me to do a few things on my own.  After I regained my "sanity", I realized, the scripture tells us to ask You for wisdom.....and You will give it.....and never scold us for bugging You.  Excuse me for not being articulate enough, Lord, but I really felt I was annoying You with my neediness.  After a while, I will remember with joy, what You want from Your children.  
Explaining to someone the "Why's" of my obsession to bare my soul to You is impossible.  No one understands it, unless, they allow You to lead them into all truth, too.  I will never understand it.  How can I explain it?  
Thank You, dear One.  I love You and thank You for loving me.
Your grace and strength is above all I could ask or think.  I am grateful, Lord.  In all I pray, I ask in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

I'm never quite sure what I am going to say, Lord......but, during the sermon on Sunday, when we were asked what we would do if we heard Jesus was going to stop by.....(at our house).....I giggled along with some others that I'd do some quick cleaning up!  Yeah....cleaning up, alright!  I wonder if dishes in the sink or a dirty floor compare with a yucky spirit in my heart about someone or some thing.  It is funny how the enemy can deter our progress in our Christian walk with unessential worries and fear of how folks perceive my spiritual acuity.  Is acuity the right word, Lord?  I guess I have always thought that my "spiritual-ness" was a little more perfected than it really is.  Oh, dear One.  That sounds so awful.  So.....full of self.  So......unlike You.  I'm so sorry to be so human.  I guess, regrettably so.....that I am as human as everyone else.....fallible to all the outside energies that try to subvert my attention.  Lord, my job is to honor You.  To be as much like You as humanly possible.  Another responsibility I have, is to allow my self, ample room to move and breathe, think and speak.....but, cautious in my interaction with others.  To be responsible in my advice.  To live and think and act towards those I am to be an example to, thoughtful words and consideration of their own fallibility's.  Lord, it is not my job to fix the lives of those I come in contact with.  My job, I think, is to love as You would. To be empathetic and  open to Your words for us.  Oh, Lord?  Is is possible for us to love as You do?  That seems so far fetched for us to do.   

The small irritations that bug us as humans....the things that build up because we do nothing.....and then, we snap.  Perhaps we have been recipients of a deep held secret.....and one day, it slips out.  A lie......white or black.....they are all the same.  A snarky comment about another......a failure to hold our tongue when You nudge us......and yes, I believe, You have "nudged" me more than once, and I ignored it.  All of these things are not what, by themselves, would be considered huge sins.  But, then, Lord......what is sin?  In Your eyes......I would venture to say that any one thing that has the ability to come between You and me......is sin.

There is a tendency, I guess, to think, we (I), can handle the small stuff.  I will never believe that again, Lord.  You need to run the show, dear One.  I concede the reasoning that I can handle the stuff of life....to You.  I will not try to assess "how big" a sin is.

You, dear One.....are holy.  We have the ability to ask for Your forgiveness and have freedom in that power.  Sin has mired millions for years and years.  Little ones.  Big ones.  They're all the same.....because they do the same damage. To hold to the belief I can save you a little time......I will fail.  You, Lord, are the strength of my life.  My heart is full of love for You.  Give me Your strength.  All I ask.....and speak of to You......I ask in the name of Jesus.

Amen. 

I never will understand it Lord.  Trouble is everywhere.  The news.  The places we frequent.  The people we know.  Even the church.  Someone is always unhappy.  Someone is always ticked off about the behavior of someone else.  Someone is always something.  Very rarely do we find folks.....happy or joyful or pleased with their life.  And, when we do.....we're almost....trying to find something wrong.  Or.....is this just me and my dazzling personality again?  Lord....what is it?

I guess Lord, the problem I find irksome, is that the scriptures mean different things to different people.  I see, Lord, that so often You provide answers for us in ways we never even thought of.....and there are also times when You are so quiet in our quest to have an immediate solution, we tend to give up.  I get so annoyed when I think about the Israelite nation.....how needy and unfulfilled they were on a consistent basis.  You'd listen and reply to their cries and give them what they wanted and then, just a few days later, and they were complaining because they wanted something else or something more.  The reason I said...."I get so annoyed...." is because I concluded a few years ago, I may have been in that group of complainers....and it bothers me.  Lord, I know what happened to them.  Please, Lord.  Change my heart.  Especially when I find myself in that state.  I don't want to be like that.  Lord, I want each day to be a new surprise for me.  One where I wake up and see that I have been blessed to wake up and see another one.....and then, find a way to please You in going about my day.  This is where I have failed so often.  I hesitate stepping out of the box I am so comfortable in.  I am good at nesting.....and love to place all I am comfortable with....in that box.  When I feel threatened or afraid....I want to hole up.  Lord, help me to not be fearful to reach out....to love and express that to those who need me. The thoughts that plague me....the problems that everyone faces....tend to always land me in the throes of depression.  I  have to believe something, Lord.  That scripture that gave me light today was from Phillipians 4:8.  It tells me to "fix my thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable"......and to "think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise".  I guess, Lord, I have to stop concerning myself with what others feel "the truth" is.  I suppose I should realize that the enemy will use anything to confuse and decieve.  I believe it.

Father, all I write today...I speak in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

"Seems like all I could see was the struggle.....", the song starts.  Nearly three hours ago, Lord.....I opened my computer to write.  Games, Facebook, Advertisements, G-Mail.....all came up with no problem.  Until I clicked on the blogsite to "create new post"......and nothing would work.....I knew that again, I would have to struggle to write You a letter.......and post it.  Yes, that particular word , "post" or  "publish".  That seems to be the key word.  The enemy will not win.  I guarantee it.

Father, I do weary of the struggle.  Why, when I have told the enemy over and over, laid all of my burdens  at Your feet and feel a sense of real peace......WHY, does he still (the enemy) make my attempts to talk to You so difficult.  "My" prayer (?) causes him that much trouble?  I think he must be desperate.

Could You show me what is important to concentrate on today.  I want to be Your disciple today.....whether it is for my benefit.....or someone else's.  You know what I need to do....You know what I want to do......and You know the importance of both.  How it all gets done is up to You.  To be honest, Lord.....this couch feels pretty good right now.  I've been up awhile.....after I've finished my devotions and watched the morning news and the etcettera's that go with it......I usually  need a nap!  But, today seems a little different.  A little detached.  I've stopped to go get the phone.  I've stopped to make my husband a nice breakfast (which he usually never asks for...)  and then, another stop to get dressed in case someone knocks on the door.  "So.....here I am to worship.....here I am to bow down....here I am to say that You're my Lord.....You're altogether lovely ......altogether worthy......wonderful to me......".   "I love You, Lord......and I lift my voice.....to worship You.....Oh, my soul.....rejoice.....take joy, my King.....in what You hear.....may  it be a sweet, simple sound.....in Your ear." . Song after song, verse after verse, resonate with the sound of Your presence filling the air.  I love to hear it.  "There is a name I love to hear......I love to sing it's worth.....It sounds like music in my ear.....the sweetest name on earth."

I wanted to talk to You, Lord, about that devotional I read this week.  I read so many....about so many different areas of our lives.....I sometimes forget.  But, I wrote this down.  Joni's devotionals speak to me almost as much as me praying them.  Sometimes.  Sometimes, I click "delete" because  I just don't get it.  I used to get so upset about that.  And, now I think I understand.  When I am "older" and "wiser", You will give me stronger medicine.  I love that You understand me so well and give me what I can handle.  Anyway, Lord.....I saw the one about physical and emotional pain.  The differences and which one is the hardest to manage.  I realize, Lord, that the subject can't really be dealt with until you are in the thick of it.  And, then, afterwards to analyze your feelings. I realize too, Lord, that just because it is in black and white on a printed page, doesn't make it true for you.  I praise You for the battles that this woman has fought and won.  Because of them and her devotion to You, she is a light for many, many Christian's to follow.  Her battles to fight and win over her paralysis, and depression, and loneliness, and surgeries, illnesses and sores that plague her......well, Lord......it should encourage anyone who tastes just a little bit of the suffering she has gone through. In her plight to manage real pain, the gnashing of teeth kind......versus the emotional and mental anguish or heartache; she has compartmentalized them into two separate issues.  I understand....I think.  I've never encountered the long, drawn out and exhausting pain some suffer.  Only in childbirth.  To suffer long term, day after day, 24/7, is something I know nothing about.  But, Lord, the emotional anguish and heartbreak....I and many others, can empathize with.  I quote from her devotional....."but the suffering that takes place inside is another matter.  You can't put mental anguish or heartache behind you.  Those hurts create an energy of emptiness that refuses to pushed or crowded out of your thoughts.  It gnaws away at the inner core of your being.  It bites.  It grinds away at your sanity."

Lord.....I have felt this.  I understand this.  And, I think a good share of people have.  To have a place to put ourselves when we feel this kind of pain....I feel is a matter of life and death.  Lord, if it is only Your lap that I can crawl up onto; and hug Your neck;  or just wait for You to wrap Your arms around me.....then, that's where I want to be.  To disappear into You, until You feel I am strong enough to walk on my own.  That is the place where I have been.....and You have done that for me.  And, I praise You.  I thank You that I have never felt like You have pushed me away and scolded me because I'm too old for this kind of behavior now.  I thank You, Lord.  I thank You.

You are my God.  I worship and adore Your name.  I ask and speak of all that concerns me....in the name of Jesus Christ.....son of the living God.  Amen.

Dear One.....I tried this morning.  I thought it would be a good way to start the new year.  I woke up at five.....all systems were "go" and nothing would work in our world of computers.  Now, I feel like I need to get this done before midnight. 
Lord, You are so very aware of the desires of my heart.  You know my need(s).  You are privy to every secret I have.  I appreciate the fact that I can tell You what I need to share with You.....and You do not judge what I say......how I say it......and the intent that sort of colors it all.  I guess too often, I feel, out loud.  It doesn't always go over very well.  In my mind and heart, I feel very free to express myself to You.  I love ignoring what everyone is trying to avoid talking about.....and talk about it.  I like to let the monster  come out of the closet.  When I can face "him" with You at my side....I feel I am the winner.  When I can talk about what frightens me to death......I believe I can survive it.  I think You know exactly what I mean, Lord.  
I was skimming a magazine yesterday.....and saw in bold print....."Finding Joy in Ten Easy Steps".  First, I perused their ideas of  "how-to's" and immediately thought about the spiritual angle of this.  The difference's of joy and happiness.  To have happiness, and not be joyful......or to be joyful.....and not very happy.  To analyze right now, I can't seem to think clearly.  It's late and I want to get this done by midnight.....but, Lord (?) I find that I'm not always happy.....but , I do have the joy You give from having peace and security in You.  I want so much Lord to have that "Joy" that comes from serving You and being an instrument for You......even though an uncertain future is scary and "being happy" isn't how I would describe myself all the time, I want to.
"Lord, I want to be pleasing to You, in everything I do.....and I want to love You more.....more than words can say.  You gave Your life, You lived and died, for me......for me.  Now the least that I can do.....is live my life for You."  This song, Lord, is my song to You for this coming year.  The children sang this is VBS this summer and I latched onto it for dear life.  I love what it says.....and I mean to live for You always.
I pray this in the name of Jesus, Amen.  Lord, it's January 1st still....11:59pm. And, Amen.

Thank You, dear One.....thank You for the privilege of prayer.  I am so grateful for the power of it, plus the sweet relief of telling You how I feel.  So many "feel" that their "feelings" should run the basic needs of their lives.  I tend to, also.  In all reality, Lord.....Your plan for me may not always coincide with the "want-to's" of my heart.  Could You work that out for me?  I'd like to always feel that Your presence would overwhelm my being to the point where I would feel that You and I are thinking alike.  I always want to help You to entertain angels.  And, there are times when I really would prefer not to mess up my plan for the day!  It means that when I would like to just NOT talk or keep moving on with my plan, I would be willing to stop; look at someone.....in the eye; let them know I intend to listen if they need me to!  You know Lord.....this is not my idea of rest.  It means.....getting involved, sometimes.  It means....giving advice, sometimes....which always scares me.  It does however mean too, that I would just listen...... and look like I care. That really does sound awful.....doesn't it, Lord?  But, for me.....I need help.  It takes so much energy to do that.   It does take time to do that.  Could You give me the added empathy I need to do this for You.  Help me Father.  I am not always available, mentally.  I think You know that.  I do know though, that, You fill my heart with joy and resolve and fulfillment.....when, I realize I am being the instrument for You that You need me to be.  Being in the senior age of my life, I almost feel like my work is done.....and I know that is the devil's lie to me.  I am worthwhile to You.  I have a place......and I have a job to do for You.  No matter what condition I am in......and what place I feel I can fulfil for You. 
Yesterday was Christmas day.  All year long, we either groan or delight in the coming of this holiday.  It is the remembrance of this sacred time that we as Christians find hallowed.  I'm not sure that is the word to use, Lord. But,  I love to think of how You came to be born.....and then finally,  to become the Savior of the world.   It is special and sacred.  I enjoy doing the gifts and decorations.  Looking at the lights that shine in the night.  Nothing though, outshines the bright light of love and adoration You have for us as Your children. 
I'm thankful for the promises You have given us.....and for Your gift of eternal life. 
Thank You for the love You provide.  Thank You for the gift of family.  Thank You for my own precious brood.  I am forever grateful.  I find as I go longer into life......I need You every moment.
Give me Your presence today.  And, Your abiding love.  And, I ask it all in the name of Jesus.  Amen.