Sitting here, staring at this empty space makes me wonder if I should keep this up.  This prayer blog thing I do.  As You can see Lord, sometimes what I want to say, is for Your eyes and ears  alone.  I tend to talk to You as I do no one else. I do this only because You are the One that can fix whatever is broken for me. I expect no one else to.   I remember, years ago,  when I began reading the "Lord, Change Me!" book by Evelyn Christenson.  I was amazed at the things You inspired me to do through her writing.  I also remember teaching it.  I passed along this plethora of information because I thought "everyone" needed to see it, hear it, believe it  and adopt it into their own thinking.  It had changed me, so naturally I believed it would change others too.  I think after all of these years, three, no, maybe  four people, have told me that "Lord, Change Me!" helped them too.  Thinking about that I guess could make me feel badly that so few caught the idea and ran with it for their own spiritual growth, but, for some reason, it doesn't. Today, anyway!  I am grateful to have learned those concepts for my own life.  I recently read some scripture, on my phone as a matter of fact, and YOU spoke to me loudly and clearly.  It wasn't just a coincidence.  I know it.  You spoke to me.  I felt desperate and You knew that.  I am blessed by You.....over and over and over.  Thank You, Lord.  "Reading until You speak" is a concept that amazes me.  When You do that for me, I am filled with joy for what You can do with someones life when they allow You access.  When I read that You saw me being formed in the womb of my mother......and watched all of the organs being formed, the nerves and muscles placed.....I know, there are times I worry about the "wiring" being a little skewed.....but, You, dear One, KNOW me.  How I think.  How I process.  I am touched because of the fact that You know me and love me.  Just as I am.  My job and my joy, is to entertain angels...and be Your instrument.

Help me, Jesus.  I want to make You proud. 

I pray in the name of Jesus.  Amen.  

"Lord, I want to be.....pleasing to You.....in everything I do.  And, I want to love You more, more than words can say."  Words from the praise song we did on Sunday morning, always seem to touch me.  Of course, then I leave church.  Go out to eat lunch somewhere.  Go home and start peeling off my church clothes as I close the porch door. As I walk by....it's coat on the couch, necklace and earrings on the kitchen table, suit jacket or sweater in my arm as I hit the bedroom.  Almost the same behavior every Sunday.  Occasionally I visit with my husband, but seldom.  When I do, I wonder how he does this all the time without a break.  Lord? That's right, Lord.  I'm teaching a ladies class,  leading the praise team, occasionally exhorting a bit, playing the organ, putting on all the sweet, compliant behavior of a good pastor's wife....and believing it too....most of the time. Really, Lord.  I'm not a fake all the time.  I wake up almost every day wondering what do You want me to do for You, today.  I'm thinking......Your kind answer to me would be....."Get your act together!"  And, that is Your kind answer.  I don't want to think what else You are contemplating saying to me. I have to ask for forgiveness often because I don't actually feel all that I am acting out.  And, of course, that shames me.   I blame it on depression.....age......fatigue.....what else is there besides lazy bones behavior.  I look at what I consider what might be problem areas that I could tackle, without moving too much!  Jeepers, Lord!  Everywhere I look seems to be a problem area.  If it's not here at home.....it's at church.  And, I honestly have tried to bow out of a lot of that.  Very seldom, anymore, am I volunteering with my hand waving excitedly, yelling silently, "Pick me, Pick me!  I can do it!"  I have learned something in nearly 50 years of ministry! 

 So.....where do I turn?  What do I do?  What is the answer that would be what I would consider, heaven sent!  Oh Lord...I should know You by now.  When Your children call and I mean even silently.....perhaps,with just a sniffle......Oh my, dear One......You are so special to me.  I wasn't even sure what I was thinking/praying, yesterday. You know me well.....and that I usually am pretty clear about how I feel.  Usually after I "voice" my feelings, I shutter a bit.....wondering if , "Oh, brother, I'm in for it now!"   But, there You were.  In living color and black and white, loud and clear as a bell gonging.......and You were talking to me through Your vessels. You truly are a lamp unto my feet.....and a light unto my path.   I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that You had heard the cries of my heart thoughts......and You were giving me what I needed on the proverbial "silver platter".    So often, I give up.  I don't wait on You.  I go to my inner self and sort of sulk.  

My God lives.  He awaits our cries.....and our pleas.  I  will continue, as I have always tried to do.....to not falter, in my belief that You care and understand.  That You love and forgive as no other.  Thank You, Father.  I will press on to live for You and pray always, in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

Lord, I find it annoying that I have to write a "Lord, Change Me!" prayer before I write a prayer on my blogsite.   I am wondering if I will ever have any peace.  I do have to ask You to give me an understanding of some of my angst.  I read a book several years ago....."Where Does A Mother Go To Resign".  I could easily stand in  that line today.  Except, it's not Motherhood I'd like to resign from.  What I need, Lord....is for You to change my heart to be more empathetic.  I need for You to give me another way to view the actions of others. I need for You to show me how You would feel.....and then maybe, I could follow Your cues.  I feel so disgusted about some of the decisions Your people make.  Of course, (You know how I am), feel that any preaching, teaching, leading or guiding.....has all been for naught.  No one seems to be learning anything.   I realize, dear One, more often than not, the enemy has one thing on his mind.  Making me feel like a total loser.  I do, Lord, constantly fight that imagery.......You know that.....but, You are kind and gracious, loving and fulfilling and  I have to continue to keep my eye on the right prize.  Thank You Father.  I could not make it through without Your help.  

As I moan and groan to You about my recent plight , I think of the warriors for You we read of in the scriptures.  I never thought so much about Moses and Aaron and the Israelites.  I am so glad Lord, to know and perhaps, even understand, how very irate Moses was when he came back  from his time with You and the sacred presentation of the Commandments.  Lord, what in the world!  He entrusted His people to Aaron, while he was gone.  With the miracles the people had seen with their own eyes and the amazing experience it had to have been.....their own selfish desires and impatience drove them to be unruly and impossible to deal with.  Aaron was too weak.....but, remember, he was not God's first choice.....(it was at Moses' request that God granted him a helper). Yeah, I know, Lord.  Here I am "reminding" You of what happened.  It still irks me that Aaron was so swayed by the people and the possibility that Moses might never return.  I don't know what he was thinking.  I don't think he was thinking.  Which in a way, shows me that so many were just as "human" as I am.  Lord.....it honestly scares me that I might have been swayed to that type of behavior.  Jesus.....I need Your intervention on a regular basis.  Why?  Because even though I want to do right......even though I want to act right.....even though I want to talk right.....I don't always.  I guess I sound a little like Paul in his explanation of human behavior  I wish I could be a little better than that.  But, I will work with what I have.  I strive to be the servant for You I should be.  

So.....what did I start complaining about?  I can barely remember.  You are the answer, Lord.  I know that.  I will do what I feel You are leading me to.  I will endeavor to answer when You call.  I will.....according to the plan You have for me.

In all I ask and pray about.....it's all in the name of Jesus.
Amen.

Good morning, Lord.  I've awoken and don't seem to feel very tired.   I yawned my way through the day yesterday.....and now?
Nothing.  There is much to pray for.  That is always a fact.  And, the questions that bombard us, only tend to show us how little we really know.  After discussing a song our praise team sings today, I find myself singing it in my mind.....over and over.  These past few weeks, there have been so many odd occurrences, one after the other, I wonder how long it will be when the actual day will happen.  You know, Lord.  The one where You decide to come and get us, as Your children, and take us to be with You.  And, the song, as I repeat the lines, takes on so much meaning.  "I can only imagine....what it will be like....when I walk by Your side....I can only imagine....what my eyes will see.....when Your face....is before me....I can only imagine.  Surrounded by Your presence, what will my heart sing....".  Oh, my....dear One.....who wants to sleep then?  There will be much to see and hear.  There will be many to find who have gone on before us.  And, dear One....there will be You.  As mouthy as I find myself at times when we talk....I have a feeling, that You will find me rather quiet....awe-struck, perhaps.  "Will I stand in Your presence?  Or, to my knees will I fall.....?  Will I be able to speak at all? "  I do know this.  I will be forever grateful that You have received me and welcomed me to this beautiful place to live with You eternally. 
My goal and my primary focus, has been to "make it"!  To live according to Your will and plan for me has been quite the  journey, so far.   So much of my attention has been spent bemoaning the mistakes and the quiet, stubborn will I have nurtured along the way.  So much so, that I forget to remember that You can change our failures into  miracles.  Remember the song written years ago....."Something Beautiful"? How perfect the words were for the likes of us, who often feel so worthless.  "All my confusion.....You understood.....All I had to offer You was brokenness and strife.....but, You made something beautiful out of my life."  The choices, Lord.  Often, that is what gives us so much grief.  Sometimes, I have witnessed what seems impossible to fix.....fixed.  I wish I could yell it to everyone and make them listen.  What?  WHY  DON'T  YOU  PRAY  ABOUT  IT?  Naturally, Lord.....I realize that even after prayers have been prayed and doors seem to be ajar.....seemingly for us to go through (?)...and then, "Lo, and behold", we find it might not have been the right move.  Well, Lord.....I do know You give us rest and relief after awhile.  I remember tears shed, prayers written, and the fear of rejection realized.   I guess those would be what they call nowadays ......."teachable moments".  I think, by now, I should be a genius, Lord!  
I will remain though, Your servant, dear One.  As long as You allow me to live here on earth......I pray for divine guidance.  I want the "wrong choices" to stop.  I'm not very good at making decisions.  I analyze everything to pieces.  Somehow, Lord.....You and I have to come to the right conclusion.  I believe in the life of a Christ-centered Christian.....Your divine will for us is hovering within reach.  Sometimes, a little beyond my reach, I have to actually move to take hold of it.  But, the peace that comes with that decision, makes it pleasing to me and to You.
Lord, until I see Your face.....I want my will to coincide with Your will.  In all I do....I worship You.
In the name of Jesus Christ I pray.  Amen.

As usual, Lord, I am not keeping up my end of the bargain.  Of course, I know.....there really is no bargaining at all.....but, I still haven't done my part in our relationship.  You give, You bless, You provide, You pray, You forgive, and You love.  All of these things and so much more, I depend on from You.  Oh, dear One, how would I live without You.  There are so many blessings to thank You for.  I am so thankful for the years I have been given to live and work for You.  I have been blessed to serve.  I know too, that there have been times I didn't feel so blessed.  I moaned about being overwhelmed with jobs that I said "Yes, I'll be glad to do it!" to .....and realized years later, it wasn't always necessary for me to do the job.  Too often, I thought I was the "preacher's wife" and should do whatever I was asked to do.  One day I realized that the biggest responsibility I had was to nurture our family.  Children have to be given guidelines and taught responsibilities.  Discipline and loving assurance have to be part of the process in their growth.  I remember when that fact was shown to me one day.  All things have their time and place, all ordered by You.  I didn't realize You had a plan all along.  I remember being so frustrated because it didn't appear like You had a way for me to use my talents. I am thankful, Lord, that You did allow me to fulfill so many of my heartfelt desires.  The music. (my heart).  The nursing care that I felt so strongly about.  (When I was able to be a Caregiver for several....I felt Your strength.)  The teaching. (Classes in Women's ministry, Sunday School, Marriage Counseling) All of these things were allowed by You for me to enjoy throughout the years of our ministry.  You truly do give us far and away,  the desires of our hearts......and on top of that.....You give us "above all we could ask or think".  Lord, I thank You for the mountains and the valley's.  While I felt like I was entertaining angels on the mountaintop.....I knew You were helping me keep the door closed when the enemy was pressing in, closer and closer, to ruin what You had accomplished while allowing me to help You.  We couldn't let him win Lord.  He aims to ruin it all.  After all these years, I thank You for empowering me to keep him away.  
Lord, the process of keeping him away.....calling on You.....speaking Your name.....Pleading the blood You shed for us.  Lord, we do ask repeatedly for You to fulfill the desires of our hearts.....to bless our lives.....to give us Your wisdom.....until I sometimes wonder if You tire of our requests.  I know, I have stopped asking.....many times....(but, not for very long!) thinking that You would expect me to do a few things on my own.  After I regained my "sanity", I realized, the scripture tells us to ask You for wisdom.....and You will give it.....and never scold us for bugging You.  Excuse me for not being articulate enough, Lord, but I really felt I was annoying You with my neediness.  After a while, I will remember with joy, what You want from Your children.  
Explaining to someone the "Why's" of my obsession to bare my soul to You is impossible.  No one understands it, unless, they allow You to lead them into all truth, too.  I will never understand it.  How can I explain it?  
Thank You, dear One.  I love You and thank You for loving me.
Your grace and strength is above all I could ask or think.  I am grateful, Lord.  In all I pray, I ask in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

I'm never quite sure what I am going to say, Lord......but, during the sermon on Sunday, when we were asked what we would do if we heard Jesus was going to stop by.....(at our house).....I giggled along with some others that I'd do some quick cleaning up!  Yeah....cleaning up, alright!  I wonder if dishes in the sink or a dirty floor compare with a yucky spirit in my heart about someone or some thing.  It is funny how the enemy can deter our progress in our Christian walk with unessential worries and fear of how folks perceive my spiritual acuity.  Is acuity the right word, Lord?  I guess I have always thought that my "spiritual-ness" was a little more perfected than it really is.  Oh, dear One.  That sounds so awful.  So.....full of self.  So......unlike You.  I'm so sorry to be so human.  I guess, regrettably so.....that I am as human as everyone else.....fallible to all the outside energies that try to subvert my attention.  Lord, my job is to honor You.  To be as much like You as humanly possible.  Another responsibility I have, is to allow my self, ample room to move and breathe, think and speak.....but, cautious in my interaction with others.  To be responsible in my advice.  To live and think and act towards those I am to be an example to, thoughtful words and consideration of their own fallibility's.  Lord, it is not my job to fix the lives of those I come in contact with.  My job, I think, is to love as You would. To be empathetic and  open to Your words for us.  Oh, Lord?  Is is possible for us to love as You do?  That seems so far fetched for us to do.   

The small irritations that bug us as humans....the things that build up because we do nothing.....and then, we snap.  Perhaps we have been recipients of a deep held secret.....and one day, it slips out.  A lie......white or black.....they are all the same.  A snarky comment about another......a failure to hold our tongue when You nudge us......and yes, I believe, You have "nudged" me more than once, and I ignored it.  All of these things are not what, by themselves, would be considered huge sins.  But, then, Lord......what is sin?  In Your eyes......I would venture to say that any one thing that has the ability to come between You and me......is sin.

There is a tendency, I guess, to think, we (I), can handle the small stuff.  I will never believe that again, Lord.  You need to run the show, dear One.  I concede the reasoning that I can handle the stuff of life....to You.  I will not try to assess "how big" a sin is.

You, dear One.....are holy.  We have the ability to ask for Your forgiveness and have freedom in that power.  Sin has mired millions for years and years.  Little ones.  Big ones.  They're all the same.....because they do the same damage. To hold to the belief I can save you a little time......I will fail.  You, Lord, are the strength of my life.  My heart is full of love for You.  Give me Your strength.  All I ask.....and speak of to You......I ask in the name of Jesus.

Amen. 

I never will understand it Lord.  Trouble is everywhere.  The news.  The places we frequent.  The people we know.  Even the church.  Someone is always unhappy.  Someone is always ticked off about the behavior of someone else.  Someone is always something.  Very rarely do we find folks.....happy or joyful or pleased with their life.  And, when we do.....we're almost....trying to find something wrong.  Or.....is this just me and my dazzling personality again?  Lord....what is it?

I guess Lord, the problem I find irksome, is that the scriptures mean different things to different people.  I see, Lord, that so often You provide answers for us in ways we never even thought of.....and there are also times when You are so quiet in our quest to have an immediate solution, we tend to give up.  I get so annoyed when I think about the Israelite nation.....how needy and unfulfilled they were on a consistent basis.  You'd listen and reply to their cries and give them what they wanted and then, just a few days later, and they were complaining because they wanted something else or something more.  The reason I said...."I get so annoyed...." is because I concluded a few years ago, I may have been in that group of complainers....and it bothers me.  Lord, I know what happened to them.  Please, Lord.  Change my heart.  Especially when I find myself in that state.  I don't want to be like that.  Lord, I want each day to be a new surprise for me.  One where I wake up and see that I have been blessed to wake up and see another one.....and then, find a way to please You in going about my day.  This is where I have failed so often.  I hesitate stepping out of the box I am so comfortable in.  I am good at nesting.....and love to place all I am comfortable with....in that box.  When I feel threatened or afraid....I want to hole up.  Lord, help me to not be fearful to reach out....to love and express that to those who need me. The thoughts that plague me....the problems that everyone faces....tend to always land me in the throes of depression.  I  have to believe something, Lord.  That scripture that gave me light today was from Phillipians 4:8.  It tells me to "fix my thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable"......and to "think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise".  I guess, Lord, I have to stop concerning myself with what others feel "the truth" is.  I suppose I should realize that the enemy will use anything to confuse and decieve.  I believe it.

Father, all I write today...I speak in the name of Jesus.  Amen.