Dear One.....I do wish one thing.  That You would give me a shove and a shake.  I get so tired of "being sorrowful"......or, "sick at heart".....when I really have only precious gifts....and blessings too abundant to count. A couple of calls yesterday....and I hear, "What's wrong?"  Lord, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG.  Still....I moan like a pathetic loser.  I AM NOT A LOSER.  Still.....I continue to feel like one.  I read.  I write.  I try to think.  I try to teach.  I try to give good leadership.  I try. I try. I try.  And, still..... I feel like such a .........well, I won't write it out loud.  (My poor family hates when I speak negatively about myself.)    I am Yours.  That is one thing I am sure of.  I am an instrument of Your choosing to be a help to You.....not a hindrance.  Recently receiving a letter of commendation to my worthiness.....I quickly sloughed it off as the evil one would have me do.  I replaced all the compliments with satan's lies.  Each thing, I replaced with....."If they only knew....".  Dear One......please give me a transplant.  I feel like I need another  start.  New batteries.  New juice.  New kick start.  And...then....I wonder.  How long will this work?  How long do I go before I need another jolt.  Shoot, Lord!  I need a resuscitation implant. I know.  I talk silly.  Actually, Lord.....I prefer You do the jolting of my being.  I thank You, Father, for the devotionals that spark my heart.  I like the ones that speak to me changing and being at my best for You.  I like the ones that speak to my being willing to change habits and reactions to what I can't change at all.  It isn't possible for me to help anyone if I continue to walk around in a fog.  I need to be aware of the example I set with my demeanor in limbo.  Raise me up, Lord.....to a new place.  Set me up on the rock, Christ Jesus.  Give me another pair of shoes....that don't give me the blisters of resistant feet.  Arm me with Your words of compassion and understanding.  I am losing out on all counts.  The words I read this week sort of said it all.  I can't get them out of my head.  The excuses I come up with to make excuses sound better, need to stop.  It does little for me.  I need to accept that there are things that I can change.  And, I have or will continue to further that goal for You.....but, I need to accept  that there are some things You have no plan to change at all.... things that You do not want changed.  Somehow, Lord Jesus.....that possibility never occurred to me.  There is no new revision to this particular edifice. You want me to live victoriously with what You have laid out for me.....and probably want me to stop complaining about it.  Right?  "Yeah!  That's what I figured is what I really feel like saying......" but, I will try to change that as long as I can......and accept that perhaps this thorn that I feel just about all of the time.....will be a thorn I can live with and not make excuses for....and eventually be thankful for......maybe, even to say it.....and believe it too.  Is that even possible?  I'm going to rest with that for now, Lord.  I'm going to see how this fits.  I say with determination.....You have given me much to think about.  Help me, Jesus.  I depend on You .  I thank You and praise You.  I speak all of this in the name of Jesus.  Amen. 

I have been wondering, Lord......and since You know me so well.....that's not always good.....but, You have always been the source of my strength......and any wisdom that comes from my lips is included in that strength. What I wonder is how you intended our family to be.  Thinking about families of the scriptures...I see many different kinds.  I am the daughter of a kind, gentile, soft-spoken man....who was a pastor and a jack-of-all-trades.  He was so much like You, Lord.  I loved him and found him to be a man I could trust .....always.  I don't know if I ever disappointed him.....he never mentioned it.  He spanked me once or twice for sassing my mother.  Otherwise, I was a perfect child!  Mom was harder to deal with.  I felt like anything I did was not ever good enough for her.  I am not sure if that is normal or not.  I really never knew any different.  Three brothers and myself as the oldest rounded out our family.  I remember feeling sure I was loved....and never questioned it.  We were on the fringe of being poor.....but, I never felt like I was.  I'm not sure how they managed that.  I felt that we were a close family.  As I married, Lord.....I knew that even with all of the drama my mother created about him.....I had married the right man for me.  Never really discussing having a family.....we began creating one a couple years after we married.  We were Blessed by You, dear One.  Five of the most beautiful babies I had ever seen in my life were given to us.  I will forever be grateful for the apparent trust You had in us to raise these children.  They are grown now.  And, You have chosen to keep me sort of long distances from them.  I could very possibly be an interfering mom if given too many chances.  My goal was to pray instead....and let You handle the details of their lives.  Their spouses?  I prayed and hoped and believed that my interjections of "what I thought" were God centered.  Lord....You always know best.  Even the shattered dreams.....are sometimes turned into the glue that helps pay the repair bill.....when ultimately turned over to You.  Anyway, Lord....I have thought and re-thought what it takes to make a close family.  (i.e. close-knit; solid; impenetrable)  I haven't really read anything lately that strikes me as an answer to my queries.  As I fixed supper last night, I was watching/listening to an episode of "The Walton's".  Mary Ellen was in a wanderlust sort of mood and kept running off to see if she could satisfy these longings in her heart.  She decided she did not want to "enjoy" the comforts of home anymore and didn't want what it offered.  The family was desperately trying to make some money by picking apples from a neighbors orchard.  Certain reward for a job well done.  She was not interested in the slightest.  Everyone seemed to have the greatest patience with her moaning and complaining and sassing.  Even her running off to parts unknown "to think".  As I entertained how her family loved her through this time.....I thought of the story of the  Prodigal Son.  Unfettered by the strings of home and the responsibilities, he came to his senses after a time of loss and sadness.  Choosing to accept the love and devotion of those who welcomed him......(and Mary Ellen too,) back.....I think, Lord....shows that You are the one who provides this willingness to show that we, as  a people, need the unconditional love a family can offer.  And, not only need it, but can give it, too.....without holding it over each other's heads forever.  That love....the unconditional kind is hard to manage.  It can be done.  Being able to "go home" and feel you are loved and appreciated is another gift I think family should be able to execute.  Every day, it seems the "rules" change.  Lord, help us to remember the rules You originally set down in stone.....that do not change......ever.  Lying, coveting, using the Lord's name in vain, stealing, murdering, dis-honoring our parents.  It is the acceptance of what other's do and say without having to use it as a pulpit to preach "the truth" as we see it.  Lord......I love the way You move in and out and through our lives.  I love the way You show me what not to say.....after I say it.  Even the hoops I feel I have to jump through to get myself back into Your good graces......it's good for me, Lord.  Bottom line:  I already am in Your good graces. I keep forgetting that.  Jesus, help me.  Guide me.  Encourage me.  Love me.  Forgive me.  Show me.  Forgive me again.
Thank You, Lord.  I speak this prayer in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

I think You are amazing, God!  Let all the people praise You. Oh, dear One..... I wish they all would.  Wouldn't that be amazing?  'Course, here I am, sitting at Your feet or nearby.....for the inspiration to write.  It seems I always have to have a reason......and yet, I know I do not need one.  Bottom line for me though, is, if I intend to accomplish anything today, I need to write to You.  I can't even think straight.
Earlier this week I read at the end of a devotional, words that really described me.  I know You probably put it in my line of vision so I could utilize this in my prayer.  C.S.Lewis is an icon of sorts for his prolific writings, that many enjoy.  Children and adults alike.  I hate to say it out loud, Lord.....but, I can read pages of his work and never understand one word he is saying to me, the  reader.  This quote, however, spoke volumes to me.....because it sounded like something I feel all the time.  Just in case You need to be reminded, Lord, I quote.....
                    "I pray because I can't help myself.....I pray 
                      because I am helpless....I pray because the 
                      need flows out of me all the time-waking and 
                      sleeping.....It does not change God- It changes
                      me."  C.S.Lewis  
  Another thing I read only this morning was that "Praying at all times.....is to take up the pen of faith and pray without ceasing.....and to pray words of praise, intercession or supplication as the need arises."  Does that make me appear to be a "goody-two shoes"?  I am not.  You know it.....don't You?  I am Your child....trying as hard as I can (most of the time) to behave myself.  As I watched the children in VBS this week.....as an almost 70 year old woman, my thoughts were....when am I ever going to really grow up?  The feelings and anxieties over "what people think.....and why they think it .......the fears of  worries that plague me.......the dreams and hopes for tomorrow".....all seem to surround my thinking.  Jesus, only You can alleviate the dreaded fears that threaten to make me cower in the corner-basically believing the enemies' lies.  When this happens, he knows I am completely ineffective for You and the kingdom.  Lord, with all my heart, my desire is to be like You.  To be the example for You in whatever state I happen to be in.  I remember, time after time when leaving the nursing facility my mother lived in....I wondered why You allowed her life to seemingly wither away.  I remember, after she was no longer conscious.....going to her room and seeing a worker just standing at the foot of her bed, staring at her.  She responded to my question of why she was there with a simple but succinct answer.  "Because I needed some peace......and when I look at Sylvia.....I see peace."  I knew then, Lord, that no matter what state we happen to be in.....You can use us.  We can always continue to be an instrument of peace.....wherever and whenever You choose.  I concede, Lord.  If peace is what You need people to see in me.....I beg You....let it be so.  You are the delight of my heart.  I thank You for Your presence.....for speaking to me through the scriptures I read and the happenings of a day.
I pray in the name of Jesus.  Amen. 

A Prayer for Madison

Lord......One of Your little ones has come to the point in her life when she walks across the platform of a school gym......and receives a diploma for her mastery of a High School education come to fruition.  She is at the top of her class.  She is headed to a prestigious college for the duration to study for her selected profession. Lord, she'll be stepping into the arena of new and exciting ideas, plans, and other's expectations.  She will see and hear the inner thoughts of the other students who have come to the same place.....perhaps, and most likely,  already disenchanted with the world and their own expectations.  Lord, I ask that as my sweet Madison enters into the unknown....she will hold to the philosophy that she has been born to.  The inner work of grace that an individual experiences when their life has been given to You, dear One.  Being at the beginning of this new adventure for her is perhaps, scarier for us (as we watch her go) than for her.  No one knows what will happen next.  The goals can be set and determination to reach that place can happen.....or something entirely out of the blue, can turn us in another direction.  My prayer for this granddaughter of mine.....(mine and her Pappy's) is that You would guide her in the plan YOU have for her.  To be successful is admirable.  To be successful in the endeavors You plan for us as Your children, supersede any other.  I ask, Lord, that the ultimate goal for her would be to enjoy her days as a student....planning her future.  That You would protect.....in every sense her heart and mind against the foils of the enemy.  I ask that You would give her wisdom in knowing that the armour of protection will protect her.  The helmet of salvation, the sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God......the breastplate of righteousness,  and shoes prepared with the gospel of peace.  All of these, Lord, sometimes seem silly and child like.  Thinking about it as an adult though, makes me feel that understanding the issues that You knew would  affect us and even, plague us, are impossible to ignore.  The enemy is watching and waiting.  Protect our girl.  Keep her strong in You. We count on You going with her.
Our hope and our joy is watching our children grow and glow in You.  Now, we watch another grandchild find her way.  She has made us proud .  We love and adore her.  Her parents stand back in unbelief at the beauty she has become.....both inside and out.  And.....Lord, we give you praise and adoration for the wonderful gifts You allow us to have.  We bless You and thank You for our gifts.  And, we ask all of this in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

Most of the time, Lord.....I open my "out-loud" prayer like this. I have followed the rules in the past......on "How to Pray".  But, Lord,  I like to just pick up where I left off.  I like to just keep adding to the saga which happens to be my life.  One where I have given You access to every nook and cranny.  Full disclosure.  Nothing is hidden from You.  You have every key to all the rooms of my house!  Yes.  There are things I have confided in You.  I don't intend on ever  being disrespectful in any way.  The cleansing of my heart required a full and complete work.  Something "Stanley Steemer" can't do. And, Father.....I am fully aware that You are a powerful God and able to do anything You desire.  Lord, You are amazing.  And, gracious to me.  I can never show my thankfulness enough.  I am blessed beyond any measure, I could have asked.  Loved.  Even honored.  I can hardly believe it.  I wish I felt like I was doing You justice by being Your child.  Of course You know  I feel so inept at times.
Trying to honor You with my words often ends badly.  The enemy would never have me honor You, Father.  And, sometimes after I have tried to say what is in my heart, I  wish I hadn't tried.  I think I need to stick to writing.....only because, You know exactly what I am trying to say.  Several times yesterday in the worship time I felt the need to speak.....and,  did.  But, I wonder, Lord.... does anyone hear?  As I listened to the soloist  yesterday, I knew the song was special.  "I'm so tired of being stirred....but, never changed"......was a line that stood out to me.  I do feel Lord....we all have those times......when we are stirred.   It is pretty much like  the  conviction that comes upon us.....but,  if we do not make a concerted effort to change (what we are stirred about).....You can do nothing for us.  We have to ......(i.e.) I have to......make it happen.  You do the work.  It's not hard.  It  just takes a time of actual commitment to allow You to do the work.  Sometimes I think You have made it entirely too easy to live for You, Lord.  I do appreciate how You love me, dear One.  
I will live the way You want me to live.  I will.  I will do what You ask me to do.  I will.  (I have to admit, this is harder.)  I will also say what You need for me to say.  I will.  And.....I will be quiet as long as You help me.  Just  have duck tape handy.  You really have to help me make this a reality.  I think it's better that way.
Give me Your grace....and Your strength today.  I need Your touch on my life today.  I pray always, Lord....in the name of Jesus.  Amen. 

I wish.....just once.....I could write without interruption.  I used to think it was  because I was such a "busy bee".....but, it isn't.  I started my day, Lord.  I read and re-read some of my devotional pieces.....even, wrote some down for clearer thoughts.  I played a few games.....and then thought, well.....it's time to prepare the bedrooms for the kids.  (Keep them safe while they drive and fly for the weekend wedding that is happening, please Lord?)  And, then on my quest to prepare for that.....I'm drawn back to the computer for a talk with You.  It's okay, Lord.  You don't have to feel bad for keeping me away from my work!!!  I digress.  Anyway, I settle down to write....setting up the lettering and large print for those of us that need it.....and I hear the chicken I put on the stove to cook, boiling over.  (I thought the wooden spoon over the top of the pot would keep that from happening.)  Oh, well its a double boiler....I guess that doesn't count.  Lord, I spend five minutes cleaning up the mess......and, grit my teeth.  Of course I blame the delay on the evil one.  He knows its hard for me to concentrate on my writing.....he knows it doesn't take much to distract me.....and he also knows, I keep deliberating whether or not.......ENOUGH!  I was going to go over the same old ground.  Sorry.   Please Jesus, help me get this out.  You know I need to talk to You.  It makes everything easier to take..... when I can do that.  Talking has always been hard for me......and once I started trying, I haven't had all that much peace about it.  All last week, I could not get heads or tails out of any of my devotionals. This week.....I have been blasted with devotionals and  verses of scripture about listening.  I've always been a pretty good one.....listener, that is.  And, I always enjoyed asking the questions to allow that to happen.  All you have to do is look at the person so they know you are listening.....and nod occasionally.  I guess the reason I started thinking I should start talking more is because I found myself nodding at things I didn't agree with or like.  Now, I occasionally find myself preparing a statement WHILE someone is speaking.....so, I can make my point too.  Lord, I don't like me.  I think You need to change this for me.  I want to be useful to You.  I want to be Your instrument to change the hearts of people if I can do so.  And, I think to do that.....You must find me worthy of trust.  My ideas are  the really Your ideas..... the ones that YOU give me.....to my language of understanding.  They are the only ones I can count on being right....and gracious.....and level headed.  You are the Redeemer, I am not.  You are the risen Lord.  I only serve You.
I would venture to say.....Thank You, dear One.  "I   EXALT  THEE.   THEE.  I  EXALT   THEE.  I   EXALT   THEE ...... O,  LORD."
Now, I thank You for checking me.  Out of the mouth comes what is in the heart......is that a scripture, Lord?  I think it sort-of  is written in Your word.  And, when I chew on things I don't like...or agree with.....Well, Lord.....I don't think You are happy with the result.  "CHANGE   MY  HEART, O,  GOD......MAKE  IT  EVER  TRUE........CHANGE  MY HEART, O GOD.......HELP  ME BE LIKE  YOU."
I pray in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

I am wondering, Lord.....could You light a fire underneath me?  I need to write more.....I need to express myself to You more.....I get tired of talking and no one really hears what I say.  You know that I have trouble getting to "my point" pretty often.....and I'm very aware I'm taking too long.....etc., etc.....and,  I always feel like I have to give the "back story".....and by the time I do that, I have practically forgotten the point of the whole thing.  Lord.....I am thankful that since You already know the "back story", I am a little more at ease with You.  Thank You, dear One, for that.  I was reminded this morning as I read another devotional from "Joni" of the verses You gave to me at a time when I was at the end of my rope.  Oh, Lord.  You saved me that day....and the days after.  I could not see any end to my plight.  My family had gone home.  My brothers had to get back to work......and, "since I didn't have a 'job'.....I had to stay!"  My mother had suffered a catastrophic event.  I thought  I was a pathetic choice, Lord.  All I could think about was me.....when my mother was in the most precarious position in her life.  Completely paralyzed from her shoulders down.....unable to speak aloud......move, or breathe on her own.  Yes, I am ashamed to admit it.....I was thinking about me. Not right away of course.  I give myself a little credit.....but, as time wore on.....days, weeks, months......ah, yes......the "selfish" part of me took over.   It was awhile until You could get my attention.  I was so busy "attending" to and "listening" to the needs of my mom....grieving for her plight.....wondering if I could ever go back to my family.....making huge decisions that would mean life or death for her with the specialists who were trying to keep her alive.  I was overwhelmed, to say the least.  I depended on the prayers of others.  All I could manage were the ones that required the fewest words.  "Help".  "Show me, Lord".  I prayed those in every other breath.  I was tired and tried.  I couldn't breathe.  I was begging for someone to save me, silently.  And, then, finally You spoke to me through the scripture.  I'll never forget it.  Well, actually, sometimes.....I do.  But, You reminded me this morning again!  "You are my servant.....I have chosen you.....I have not rejected you.....I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  From Isaiah 43..... I could finally breathe.....I could not believe what I had read.  I wrote it down and stuck it in my purse, Lord.....remember?  I told everyone that came in that day, unabashedly, that God had given me that verse....and that I thought it was for my mother too.  I remember looking at her and quoting the verse to her.  I realized that in her mind and heart, she just might be thinking....."What in the world did I do to end up in this mess?"  I wanted her to know that YOU hadn't rejected her; or that You were punishing her.  I wanted her to know that You had chosen her  and me too.....to show Your power and grace to all who were looking on.  Lord, after all of these years, I still believe it.  I'm so glad You reminded me again.
Knowing that the next phone call could change our lives forever should urge anyone to stay close to Jesus....always.  We always seem to find something else to do.  I'm so grateful, Lord, for Your power to move the mountains that block our view.  I pray for Your sustaining power to give me peace.  
I pray in the name of Jesus.  Amen and amen.