I'm always wondering, Lord.  I'm always wondering if You are listening.....ie: reading or paying attention to me.  Should I?  Shouldn't I?  Can I? Can't I?  Is this prayer worthy?  Is it just foolishness?  Am I significant?  Or....incidental?  Will anything change if I don't pray?  What are the ramifications for me and mine if I don't?  I haven't struggled very much.....should I expect some kind of fall-out for years of ease?  A complete breakdown of all I have known and loved?  Time to pack it in?  Cut my losses and run away.  Whether physically, or spiritually.....I am in a funk.  Sometimes, as I have read about Elijah and the emotional high he must have experienced  from his victory, I have thought......"You know, Lord.....that is so ridiculous....!  How could this man who just called down the fire of heaven, and witnessed the actual experience showing the mightiness of his God.....just, disintegrate all of it with his emotionless  psyche and moan about his plight? For pete sake!  What plight?  
     Oh, brother!  Lord Jesus......Yes, here I am.  Bowed low as I can be in my spirit......wondering what is next. You know the shape of my old knees. ( The last time I got down to get something underneath the bed......I thought......"Shoot!  I might as well clean while I'm down here.")  I guess You would remember my silly thoughts.  Are You smiling......or should  I keep my distance awhile longer?  Actually, Lord,  I think I have kept my distance long enough.  My constant prayer:  Should I keep posting prayers? Honestly, it is so hard to do.  I really want to quit.  I need Your guidance.  And, I will honestly pay attention to what You lead.
  Keeping Elijah in mind, though, Lord......I do understand this poor man.  I am not mincing words either.  It is a flaw inflicted on some that many folks do not understand. I found recently as I perused "my" plight to my husband....... and, when said husband started singing (in jest) "No one understands like Jesus.......He's a friend beyond compare ......Meet Him at the throne of mercy....."   I really wanted to silence him (with a punch)....even though I knew he had listened to my pleas and did understand my heart.....there it was...... once again..... the same old, same old.  I know, I know!  You saw me being formed in my mother's womb and you decided I was worthy and fit to be born.....I still and probably will always wish for something else.   I do wish I could really let that go.  Maybe it is just a choice.  I have always believed it was innate.  Whatever it is, sometimes I feel it has me by the throat......threatening to keep me quiet forever. Perhaps you have another idea.  Lord?  I think I will be quiet.  I think, since I have prayed.....I will stop talking and just wait......yes, You heard me right.  I will wait until you shove me through whatever open door You have for me.  
     So, I do pray.....whatever it is I have prayed for (and I know that within the groaning of my spirit You KNOW what that is.....) the name and purpose of Jesus Christ.
     Amen.

Okay, Lord.  It's been too long since I posted a prayer on my blog.  I know that You know, don't You, that I've sort of been waiting for the "book" to become a reality.  I'm anxious to hold it in my hands and thank You for what You have given.  I've done it in my heart and mind......knowing that if it wasn't for the inspiration of writing to You that this has happened, it just is too much to believe.  I can do that in my heart and mind, because I have that much belief in what You can do.....and in what You allow.  I trust that all will be done to honor and glorify You when it finally is a reality!
Now, since I still wait, pressing thoughts and concerns plague me almost on a continual basis.  I talk of them to those who can give me spiritual guidance.....but, I fear that is not the answer for me.  I need to believe in the guidance that You can sustain me with.  For the incidents of my life where I have tried to do "the right thing" does not always turn out well for me.  I get too upset.  I say things that my mind has been mulling over. (That is never good.)  Lord, You better be thinking of another way to keep my thoughts silent.  Muzzling me seems to be one way.....but, I still would be making noise.  The deafening of my silence should be music to Your ears, dear One.  I cannot allow my feelings in or about any situation come out of my mouth.  Well, not unless I know You are directing the "orchestra".  I am so tired of trying to say the right thing......and then, I mess it up.  I suppose I could think of a better word, but, why should I make it look and sound better than it really is.  Mess.  It's not pretty......and,  so often, when I try to "fix" any  so-called dilemma, I quake after because of the fall out.  Jesus, even after my apologies have been made......and I grieve and sorrow over my words spoken......what can I do?  I have dealt with the "forgiveness" issue of being hurt by another....whether or not they were even aware of it.....I have dealt with it.  I have allowed Your precious Holy Spirit to lift me to a level of "no contest". I have no recourse.  I cannot usually ever forgive on my own.  I want to hurt someone as much as they have hurt me.  (I hate to say it like that.....it sounds so cruel.  Yet, it's almost a natural bent in me to want to punch someone in the jaw verbally).  I love it when I allow You to take that urge away and replace it with Your spirit filled peace.......and You do it.  It's wonderful when I can look back (think back) and can sing...."All is calm......All is bright."  But......and it seems like there always is a "but" in my prayers.......isn't there?  I wish You would tell me what to do when I am not forgiven for what has been perceived as unkind, unnecessary, or  inflammatory.   You know what, Lord?  I don't even know what the correct words are to use in this particular request.  Help me Lord to think as You would.  I do worry about what other folks think about me when they don't know all the facts.  Help me to truly NOT grieve about that part.  Help me to see things as You do.  I need to lay the sorrow to rest.  I need to allow You to give me a peace that I absolutely do not understand for this question.  Allow me once more to ask it in a different way.....(so You really understand me!  Sorry, Lord.)   "How do I move on into a quiet peacefulness after it is clear to me that I will never be forgiven for words I have spoken or written..... (perhaps for words I even thought!)?  This is my plea.  Jesus, Savior of my world.....help me see Your way.  " I need no other argument.....I need no other plea......It is enough that Jesus died......and that He died for me! "   Is it that easy, dear One?  Lead me into the truth I need to know...show me.  I am Your servant.  I need You.
All this, and more tomorrow.....I bring to You, speaking the name and will of Jesus.  Amen.

You know.....don't You, Lord.  You know how I'm doing right now.  A little freaked out.....yeah, that would be an understatement.  When You bring to fruition an idea that started on a scrap of paper........a few words scribbled to form a sentence.....and bless the writer......well, its just too much to take.  For those of us that suffer from the feelings of insecurity and unworthiness.....what You have allowed is beyond any dream. You have allowed me so many blessings.  Many...... that I thank You for all the time.  I've said it before....and I say it again....."beyond all I could ask or think".......that is what I have.   The gift of this book that will have my name on it is all because of You.  If I did not have You to tell my heart thoughts to.....there would be nothing to publish.  You are the author and finisher of my faith.  Now, I need for You to give me wisdom to speak words with Your grace and to have this vessel transformed into the one You need......to be used as You see fit. I have no idea what is ahead...but I rest knowing that You do.  I only need Your direction as I move ahead.  Only, dear One.....with Your direction.   You are without a doubt so merciful......and so forgiving, all the time.
  My granddaughter looked at me on Thanksgiving day and questioned me when I said I didn't ask You to forgive me every day.  In my mind and heart....I just don't need it.....every day, that is.  I do not sin on purpose every day to be forgiven for......do I? Is that too presumptuous, Lord?  I need for You to enlighten my heart.  I don't think that anyone that calls themselves "Christian", does sin everyday.  Do You, Lord?  Is that how You figured we could live for You and be human, too?  I know.  I fear speaking this way could be dangerous......for my health, and future as a professed Christian woman. I intend to take my cues from You, dear One.  And, sincerely, Lord......I need Your nudges and pushes in the right direction.  I do not want to ever take any of the gifts You provide for granted.  I am Yours, Lord!  Everything I am.....all that I have been blessed with.....it's all under Your care and watchful eye.  I will never sin, willfully and determinedly to be more of what others think I should be.  Your will.  I desperately pray for that.  I need to have the words that express the deepest heart thoughts that I have.  
Right now......all I want to do is thank You for living to die for us.....and then to rise up to love us until You come.  The Nativity.  What a precious sight to see and enjoy.  Oh, Lord.  I don't think any of us that call ourselves "Yours"....will ever understand how You love us.
I pray in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

PS........I dedicate "My Letters To God" to You, dear One.

It's been too many days, Lord.  I've just slid by these last few weeks with "How are we doing, Lord?"  And, "Help us, today!" and "Keep us safe, Jesus".   I am certainly thankful You love me.....even when I tend to be so lazy in my communication with You.  You are the only source of strength to me.  I've always known it......and, I've always depended on that.  Lord, I will do my best to never take your love and mercy for granted.  Sometimes when we become so comfortable with our relationships, we often tend to let our nurturing skills "take a break".  It's okay, I guess.  Every one does it at one time or another.....I just would like to be "a little above average" when it comes to this part of my life.  Real friendships just are so special when we find ourselves "picking up where we left off" with friends we have not seen or talked to in ages.  I wonder, Lord......would we be better off if we tried a little harder to reach out and touch each other.....oftener.  Sometimes the miles......the time left in a day......and the business of keeping up with the schedules we've packed to overflowing.....just seems to make the importance of keeping in touch so difficult.  I am guilty.  We all are, I guess.  One thing I am anxious to work on from this day forward.....is to NEVER take the precious gift of Your love and forgiveness and mercy to me, a "given".  It's always good to see family and loved ones.  To share our stories and listen to the old ones and laugh like we have never heard them before. It's a blessing and an honor that you entrust to us.  I need to make that a priority, Lord.  I'm not sure how. I'm  used to going from one project to another......and another.  I like the part where I can lay on the couch between the projects!!  I guess that will never change.

Bottom line, Lord.....I have to make this a project, I guess.  Keeping in touch, more than usual.  Making an effort to nurture long time relationships.  The most important thing though, is the nurturing of my relationship with You.  Praying without ceasing.  Keeping a prayer on my lips and a song of thanksgiving to You and all that You mean to me because  I am blessed beyond all I have ever asked or dreamed.  Have You allowed the path to eternal life, litter free?  There is  only one and I will take what comes with it.  I have to say, Lord.......I may complain and I may be tempted to be annoyed at times......but, I will praise You through it all.  If I never had a problem, I'd never know that You could solve it......or carry me through it.  All I ask and pray for....I ask in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

Very rarely, Lord.....do we understand what You are doing.  So often......we just find that we're never quite ready when You do make a decision.  Apparently that quandary is part of the human condition.  Some find the 'wait' to see You....to be interminable.  And, then......there is Barbara.  Lord......we're sorry.  We're still a little stunned.   Even though her health has been so precarious....her desire to "go home" just seemed to be uppermost in her mind....so we prayed too.....that You would grant the desire of her heart.  She and Clarence had worked so hard for their retirement home.  It was a beautiful place to be.

Now, Lord.....You do understand us, don't You? You do care about how we feel....don't You?   When one loses such a huge part of their  life....the blow is devastating.  And then, to lose the capacity to do even the simplest of things for yourself.....it just is about all the discouragement a body can take. Of course, You know that already.  You're there watching and waiting.

The earthly part of Barbara's life has ended.  Was it all that we hope it was?  Were the Angel's singing her song? Was she met with a great cloud of witnesses?  She has had the greatest of friends here.  Some are with her right now.....rejoicing and celebrating!  The rest are here......mourning her.  She has been such a faithful friend to all who knew her and claimed her as such.

As You entered the room where she laid, for the last time.....we can almost see her giving You a weak smile......and a sigh of relief, as she breathed her last words to You......"I knew You'd come, Lord".   We thank You for going to her Yourself....... to lift her up and take her to the "Heavenly Home" You've prepared.   
She was just too weak to walk in the gate by herself.

How we love thinking about the gracious Savior that You are to us, Your children.  And that You love us  even when we don't understand and have to suffer for a time.  We know it will not last.  
Help us, Jesus.  Help us to remember that one day....."It Will Be Worth It All"......when we see You one day.  Make us a blessing for You until we too, will see Your face.  Thank You for allowing us the privilege to know Barbara.  

In the name of Jesus, we pray.....and wait.  Amen.

I'm sorry, Lord.  I can't seem to wrap my brain around all that appears to be coming into view.  Many hopes, dreams, plans and derailments are flooding my thinking today.  Often, unwarranted.  And, more often than not......surprise attacks. Whether good or bad.....it still rocks me.  How do I respond?  How do I fix my face?  Actually, a mask might work.....or dark glasses!  I feel like a little kid.....just wishing I could close my eyes and no one could see me.  I thank You, dear One, for the privilege of serving You.  I have moaned and complained forever about being "the Pastor's wife"......yet, never imagined ever being anything but.  In fact, I am almost positive that is what You called me to do with my life. It mostly gives me a great deal of happiness and a sense of satisfaction and I mostly feel honored that You chose me to do this. You chose the man who would be my husband. You fulfilled so many areas of my life that I never even prayed about.  I never even thought about having children......and I had five.....?!#  Is that what You would call being "self-centered"? I suppose I am being a little hard on myself.  Everyone wants to find their way in life.  It embarasses me when I think about that, Lord. (The "self-centered" part.)  Yet, You remain God and remain running the show that is my life.  I am fulfilled in so many ways......and I  give You praise for allowing me to enjoy the gift of music in my life.....and the caregiving that I was allowed to do.  All I could have wanted or dreamed for.  You've given.  And, given some more.  I praise You for being my strength.  My tower of refuge.  

I do have issues though, Lord.  You are very aware, I know.  I sure do complain enough.....too much.  I told my husband last night that the enemy just plays havoc in my mind.  "Well", he says to himself, "If I can just place some doubt here.....and some pride over there.....".   I am tired of being the can that he kicks down the road......NO PUN INTENDED HERE, LORD!   I have just got to start calling out the supreme name of God.....plead the blood of Jesus.....and anything else I have to do to get him away from me.  After my class yesterday at church, I felt completely drained.  You see, satan loves to bring up issues that are "under the blood"......and of course, Lord......YOU  KNOW  THAT  all too well.  I do too.......don't I?  Why does he catch me off guard so much.  Why does he make me question the DECISIONS  I have made in the past.....and makes me "wonder" if I "really forgave",  and if I "really repented 'enough'?"  Lord, I pray and hope and thank You for the fact that You provide answers to me all the time.  If I am looking......hoping......praying?.......for answers.......You provide them.  Thankfully, I was listening.  I heard You.  Loud and clear.  You are a gracious, loving God and I thank You for helping me understand.  Thankfully, for me and You understanding that I need a picture drawn for me......You drew the picture......in words and in indelible ink.  Thank You.  I feel I can breathe again.  Onward and upward I go.....with Your grace, I pray.

And, Lord.....all I write and say to You.....I never mean to be disrespectful.  I just can be so obtuse.  I understand there are times You need to use Your outside voice....inside.
I pray in the name and will of Jesus Christ.  Amen.  P.S.  Lord, forgive me too for using my outside voice to You.....occasionally.  I hate it when John says,  "Why do you have to yell like that?"  "Who, me?"  I say.   YES! YES!  AND, YES!   I must be going deaf.  Yes, thats it.  Thats why I am talking so loud.  Help, Lord.  I need help all the time. Amen, again!

Lord.....I come to You, today.....to talk about a friend that You've  allowed to be in my life.  I have this need to talk to her and tell her how I feel. Sometimes it is hard to put our feelings into words.

I remember when I met her.  She was attending the church we were newly pastoring.  She and her husband were a vital part.  They were faithful and committed.  That alone, set them apart.

There were of course, dinners at their home.....after church potlucks....desserts shared.....games and good fellowship every time we met.  One day in particular I was invited by my friend to "take a ride".  She proceeded to just drive and  talk and vent her feelings on what she was going through at the time.  I was quiet.  I am a listener, by nature, so it wasn't hard....I was just touched.  I remember thinking....."I can't believe she is telling me this! 
"Wow! She must really trust me!", I thought.  And, that particular thought......endeared her even more to me.  It's not often people tell their heart thoughts.  Very few folks ever trust anyone enough to "tell" how they feel....and believe it will stay with that person.  I was  grateful she chose me.  I have often thought....."How do I help those in need?"  After a few years I've come to the conclusion that it is not necessary for me to have "answers" to the dilemmas that folks get themselves in.  I am grateful for finding that all people need..... most of the time.....is someone to listen to them.  They don't need my "expertise" on anything.  They don't need to hear a "story" from my past to liken it to how they may feel.  All is needed is a listening ear and perhaps a shoulder to cry on.  And, perhaps, a kleenex!

I knew then...that I would also be able to trust her.  I did find that she loved me and entrusted my thoughts to her heart.  She prayed for me and with me.  When You give us what we need.....sometimes, we  don't realize it.  I have , for many years, needed a friend that I could trust.  When she and her husband moved away from us.....I knew then what a loss it was to me.  But, I knew, having her cell phone number would keep her close to me.  For us both....it would be a lifeline.  I thank You, Lord, that I had this woman to talk to. 

Her life became very hard.....very fast.  After they moved to their retirement dream home......she found herself alone, without her love, in just a very few months.  She's never been the healthiest of souls.  She's always had health issues that threatened her life.  Lord, You've given her a loving heart....although very weak.  Her resources are limited to keep her well.  Her loving daughter is beside herself trying to make the best decisions...for her survival.


How in the world do You decide when our time is done here on earth, Lord?  It is sad when we are aware that the possibility of us living much longer is coming to an end.
Some see it as relief.  Some are ill prepared.  Some need a hand to hold.  Or is it, the other way around?  I guess none of us really know how close we have come to death and have been saved through Your intervention.  You are the master of our lives.  I trust You.  And, I trust You for the woman I call my friend. 

I thank You, Lord.....for her love.  I thank You for her kindness and generous spirit.  Her laughter and beautiful smile still ring in my heart.  Give her exactly what she needs.  Help her rest in the knowledge that she is totally in Your care.....and trusts You to make the best decisions for her and those she loves so much.

You are a gracious God.  We are loved.....because of You.

All of this I pray in the name of Jesus.  Amen.  

PS.....I find I need a little extra help here......hold her close, Jesus.  Perhaps feeling a little breathless.....and, at a loss for what is happening.....Oh Lord.....hold her tight.....so there is no question.  I trust You, Jesus......to let her know, beyond a shadow of a doubt....that, YOU, dear One.....are there. Thank You, Lord.