O Lord, Our Lord, My Lord.  So often, especially these days, I look at my computer and think.....I really should post a prayer on my blog.  I am frustrated and angry with myself......yet, walk by to  lay on the couch.  Too busy?  No.  Have nothing to pray about?  No.  I have an overload......way too much to "write out loud"!  Everyone that thought I was a jerk........ will know for sure I really am a jerk!  So I continue to pretend I am this "holier than thou" woman, have it all together and.......... since You don't "tell on us"......I get away with it!
I am trying, dear One.....to be done with that kind of living.  It's not that I want anyone to know all my secrets.....or really understand my heart.  It's enough for me that You do.  I am touched by Your mercy, dear Lord.  I am amazed by the example You set for us.  I am shown love by the husband You saw fit to give to me every day.  I will never forget how You took charge and gifted me.  
I woke up this morning thinking about the song that Dotty Rambo penned several years ago.  I looked up the lyrics on Google this morning.  The words that kept going over and over in my mind were so poignant.  Words that John and I sang together when the song was first released.  But, Lord.....seriously, unless I am thinking especially about NOT asking.......I cannot hardly get through a prayer without wanting something from You.  I find, even though I have way more than I need.....that I am in desperation to have You push me to another level.  (Actually, Lord....I hate that term used today so much. )  "To another level."  I think it is true though, Lord.
The words from that song should move me "to another level".  
                           "  I didn't come here....to ask you for anything.....I just
                                         came to talk to You, Lord.  You've answered a million
                                         prayers or more, that I forgot to thank You for.....I just
                                         came to talk to You, Lord.
                                         Maybe tomorrow there'll be trouble and sorrow and a
                                         thousand teardrops may fall....but, until I face tomorrows
                                         I have no special favor to ask.....I just came to talk with 
                                         You , Lord."  
Thank You Father......for Your perfect love.  Thank You for the gift of eternal life to all who ask for Your forgiveness.  Thank You for
for loving me when I am often found to be so unlovable......way too often.  Thank You for giving us (me) peace when it is so desperately needed......so often.  Thank You for the gift of the words of the Bible that speaks to my heart.....that teaches, admonishes, and provides encouragement.  
I will forever be grateful.  I will freely give You my heart.....it is my desire to.  I will honor You.  I will love You.
I speak all of these words in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

I can't tell You how many times I think about starting a letter to You saying....."Lord, what do You want me to do for You today" ?  ......and I don't.  Mostly because I'm afraid You're going to suggest a few things I don't feel comfortable doing!  There!  I said it for all the world to see.  I know that as I go through a day....whether I am out and about.....or just at home.....I usually obey what I feel You are pushing me to do.  Most of the time....when I obey, I find that you are not suggesting I do any more than a part of someone's day.  Perhaps not even an integral part.....just a message that God is wanting to send to someone.  These "acts" are often just off the top of my head.....like......"I love your long sweater!"......."Your hair is so pretty!"......"Is there something I could carry (do) for you?".  I have often been put off by my own thoughts, thinking I will somehow insult or bother......resulting in nothing done.  Lord, I find that so often I have missed out on what could be very well be perceived as a blessing from You. Right now, I am so very aware of not wanting to be "too involved"!  Thus, I tend to stay in my shell till the knocking drives me nuts.  I am so "not wanting" to get into a place where I am expected.....or depended on.  
Oh, Lord.....understand me when I say these things.  I really do want to be what You need at this time in my life.  I know my Mom did.  She was always taking meals to people in her at the Senior Living place where her apartment was. Whether it was checking their blood pressure, getting a grocery item or taking them to the Doctor......she was always running around helping someone.  It made me proud of her, that she was so interested in making someone else's life easier.  
Go ahead, Lord,  if You please.  I'll be watching for Your cue.  I am pretty sure I mentioned this to You the last time I posted a prayer.  I thought that once we retired my role as "caregiver" was done.  I see that I can still be useful to you.  For me, it's the "broken and spilled out" part that still tends to be painful to me.  Perhaps that is what keeps me from wanting to be an instrument for You, Lord.  Help me see that You will protect my anxious heart.  I give it to You.  All of my weakness.....I find I can be assured, that You will strengthen me.  I pray in the name of Jesus.  Amen. 

I wish I knew how to change some things, Lord!  I wish I knew when to keep my mouth shut!  I wish You could make me do what I should......!  When I come to You.....my first thought is....."Lord, what can I do for You, today?"  And, then.....I almost immediately change it to......"Hey there, Lord!  Thank You for loving me."  That way, I can keep the conversation moving....and not leave any time for You to interject what You want me to do!  What in the world ails me, Lord?  Why am I so aimless?  Why do I draw back when I hear the word "service"?  What is Your plan for me?  Why do I not want to stay still long enough to decipher what Your answer is for me?  I find it hard to write to You.  It used to flow so much easier.  It provided a spiritual comfort to me.  
Return to me the caveat of consolation I have relied on for so long.  Or, if You wish.....take me to a new place I've never realized before.  Whatever Your desire is or wherever You take me.....I am anxious to fulfill that place.  The floundering is wearing me out.  "Yes, I'm retired.......No, I don't want to DO anything!  I can be as involved as I want to be!  Then if I do that....I have to put up with people!  Lord, as You can see.....I still need a kick in the pants to get me started.  Yes, I'm willing to move.....if that is what You want.  But, You know my anxious thought process better than anyone.  You also know my ability to say "No!  I can't do that right now!"  is .....well, you know my track record.  "I will serve Thee, because I love Thee" has always been in the back of my mind!  That's nice.  And, obedient.  The other words that come to me aren't part of that song.  "......not because I want to."  Lord, I wonder if that little bratty kid that flows in my veins, will ever be tamed?  It seems that the older I get, the louder her voice rings in my ears.  Eleven or twelve years old, the verse from Psalm 19:14 became a special mantra for me.  "Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in Thy sight....O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer."  I always loved thinking......now, that verse should keep me in tow.  I have a tendency to stuff things down inside.....not speaking aloud.  I have found throughout my days.....well, there are times when I have found the floor of my heart and mind a little damp.  And, under further inspection.....see that a leak in my spirit has been under the surface.....causing damage to the inner workings of my being.  
Sometimes, irreparable.  You, O Lord.....are the guardian of my inner being.  I depend on You to provide the strength I need.  I've always known You are all I need.  Remind me often.  I need to be reminded.  Annoying as it is to me.  I like to be on top of those things.  
You and I, Lord.  It's not that hard.  Persistent.  Consistent.  I can do this.  Oftener than I have been, anyway!  In the name of Jesus, I pray. Amen.

Father.....Lord.....You are the beginning and the end to me.  You brought us (me, in particular) to this point.  I've lived quite a few years now.  I realize that the next decade  may not be free of troubles.  I wonder, dear One, what it is I can do to ensure Your constancy in my heart and life. You don't have to answer that.  I already know it.  Since the word RETIREMENT came into our daily (almost) conversation, I have a very different view of said word.  I really wish I could understand the feelings that plague me. People do look at you differently.  Your opinions are not usually required.  And, that, Lord.....is my honest view of the whole thing.  I think I don't like it too much.  Going into the "why's" of it, I suppose is not necessary.  You know my heart.  And, You know why I have this innate desire to analyze everything.  I do that for one reason.  You know that.  I feel if I have already decided why.....or what the reason is.....I am "on top" of  any situation.  Huh?  What did You say, Lord?  No.  I concur that  it has not helped me at all.  Not really.  At this time of my life, I know that the drama of my life would not win a prize.  I do believe, however, that I have a story to tell about different events of my life.  Those events did happened to me.  I was and am the author of it........ if I choose to share it.  People  have a way of asking a question or just promoting conversation.  I really never know just how much to tell.  I have always tried to be aware that my words can move people to You or I can see that folks break into a run when they see me coming"!  Okay, I know!  I jest a bit.  I do know that trying to stay ahead of the enemy of my soul takes some prayer and meditation.  Concentrating on Your words to us as Your children....trying to put myself in the position of the warriors of old.  Am I brave enough to face the lion's den?  Can I believe that the pit I find myself in so often, will become more and more elusive?  Physically and mentally, emotionally and spiritually stronger.  Lord.....do You really believe I can be.....all I need to be for You?  
               I will believe that You just nodded "yes!" to me.
I thank You, dear One, that You will draw Yourself to me as I draw myself to You.  I thank You, that all I say and pray, is done in the name of Jesus.  And, once again,  I say........amen.

 Lord.....You know why I act like I do.  I wish I knew why I act like I do.  Sometimes its good.  Sometimes its bad.  And, sometimes its ugly.  Regrettably.  You know, Lord?  Sometimes, I wonder if You felt bad when You threw the money changers off the temple steps  or out of the temple.  Did You think about going back to them and apologizing for dumping their stuff all over the place or feel You had to "make nice" for ruffling every ones feathers......You know, the ones that go off saying things like...." Humph.....I thought he was a Christian!"
I'm always wondering if and when  I say something, should I have?
I am still thinking about the sermon our pastor preached last Sunday.  It was about "always" having something to say (usually negative) about some "body", or some "thing".  What else is there?
Actually, the text eludes me, but.....I knew You were talking to me!
The blame in any situation always has a little of my name in it some
where.  So.....I have no right to blast anyone else.  I had another epiphany this week.  I had the privilege of watching the movie that came out not too long ago.  "War Room".  I wasn't going to watch it......!  Why?  Well, because I am a Christian.  I love You.  I talk to You.  I have issues all the time.....and, I ,uh......well,mostly......give them to You.  Now that everyone can see what a jerk I am.....it sounds to me like I think I am too much of a Christ follower to lower myself to go to a movie about prayer.  I do pray.  Yeah, well.....Miss "Holier than Thou" decided she is due for an oil change.  Maybe a totally new transmission.  (Actually, we're not sure what she needs, Lord.....but, stand by while we fill out the estimate for damage done.)  I might understand it better, dear One, if You'd knock me for a loop once in a while.  I am so dense, it's pathetic.  Yes, yes!  I know.....I am badmouthing Your child......but, have You spent time with me  lately?  I think I need  a makeover.   My devotional time has dwindled.  My prayer life, too.....!   That's not very good to say out loud.  I guess I could have kept that between us, but, Yeah!  That's me!  All out there.  I have had soooo much trouble concentrating.
  I have spent time doing what I have to do.  Paring down our belongings to a bare minimum has become my job.  I have stopped complaining......but, I haven't quite stopped moaning about it.  
When You hear from me, Lord......I know You know it's another long drawn out prayer about "my stuff",  or "my life",  or  "my needs."  Thank You, dear One, for not passing me by.  Thank You for calling me out though....warning me.....chastising me.....(Okay, being honest, I feel like You also give me grief!  I also know I do need it!)
When I thought of writing.....I thought of a song we used to sing.  I haven't heard it in a long time.  "This is my desire.....to honor You."
Just one line that I read and say.....I am not sure I have been living like that.  The apathy that can crawl up into your being and put a strangle hold on you is scary.  I can almost feel the skinny fingers closing around my throat.  I pray to You, dear One......to be on guard for the quiet ways the enemy tries to silence me.  Ways that appear to be nice and polite.....yet, no one really knows who you are and who you live for.  I think I need a choir director, Lord.   will be watching for the starting cue!
I speak in the first person and the second person.  But, I speak in the name and honor of Jesus Christ. Only in You, Lord.....do I put my trust.  Amen

My dear Lord......Thank you for allowing me to live to see this day.  Its so hard to believe that we are writing 2016.  The years seem to disappear so quickly.....hardly leaving us time to breathe. Over and over, I contemplate what has "happened" up to this point in my life.  I have told You how thankful I am that You have given me so very much of what I didn't even know I wanted or needed.  You, so often, provide what I forget to pray for.....sometimes finding myself, taking the goodness You have provided...... for granted.  To have the love of a kind, loving and faithful husband.......well, Lord......You have found me to be overwhelmed. 

 A friend just wrote an open note to her Facebook friends.......she said....."We don't know what tomorrow holds......but, we know WHO  holds tomorrow."  Lord, it's certainly a few simple words, placed in a  simple context.....but, the meaning takes on new meaning when I depend on YOU running the show of my life.  It's not like I have breezed through these 71 years of my life.  Places I never thought I would go.....I went to.  Things I never believed I could do......I did.  The sadness that life brings and  I couldn't even believe I was living through......You  allowed me to have peace and helped me live another day.  I am not sure how You do that. 

 Now that I look to the year ahead, I will endeavor to make You proud of the choices I make.  I realize that too often You are handed the pieces of a mess that I have created.  Somehow, You do make all of it work together for my good.  (Okay.....I have to admit, Lord......this is one of the hardest things for me to believe!  And, not just for me.  The hard, unfair, disgusting things that sometimes enter our wheelhouse to deal with.........well, those are the times I struggle to understand how this can be for OUR good.  I am so sure I am not alone because life is hard.....and so we do struggle to understand.  I guess I will have to believe YOU know what You are doing.  Help me, Lord......I try.  But, I fail in accepting what You allow so often.  You know me.  I'm not a hardnose........ but, I sometimes think if I pout long enough, You'll change Your mind. My hope is to be a servant You can use......not a know-it-all.  To accept Your decision in my life and why You allow it......and what You do is key to my having any kind of victory.

Over the holidays, I made an "out loud" statement to someone close to me.  They looked at me like I had two heads.  I re-thought what I said......(and no Lord.....I'm not writing this out loud!  And I think You know why!)  I honestly believed what I said.  Now.....since I have not thought about this in weeks, until now. I need for You to set me straight.  It doesn't matter......"if I honestly believed in what I said".....what matters is......Do YOU think I am wrong?  I need to know.  I want You to show me in the scripture, or by a teacher, or a book I'm reading......or from the new preacher we've been listening to lately!  I need to hear from You.  The fact that we can twist people in knots......shatter what they've believed forever.......and deflect from what You are trying to do in their lives......well, this is not good.  Especially, if You think I am all wet!  I don't ever want to discourage any of Your children.  The enemy always "gets" me here.  I remember going home after teaching Sunday School, thinking of something stupid I might have said that would confuse or be misinterpreted.......I'd beg You to take an eraser or a white out bottle and take that from any of their minds.  Lord......if all Your children are as pathetic as me......well, I think You surely have Your hands full.  
One thing I am sure of.....is that I am loved.  I don't understand it......because I believe that to be impossible too, but, I decided to make a decision to ACCEPT it.  So I thank You.

And, all that I have said......I pray it in the name of Jesus.

Amen.

I know, I know, Lord.  It's been a while.  People will maybe be wondering if I stopped praying.  It's just that they're (my prayers)  a lot shorter now. They mostly consist of few words.  "Dear Lord.....I need You to help me.  (pause.....very long pause!)  In Jesus name I pray......Amen."  
 I ask all the time....questioning the validity of doing this blog.  There's nothing sinful.....is there......I mean about doing this?  Of course,  there is a level of  "How wonderful that she is so transparent!" here.....I think!  It also invites criticism on another level.....doesn't it?  And....no!  I don't think I have a death wish.....which is a little foolish to say.....yet, You and I both know that people can wipe me out with very little trouble.  I try to act like they don't bother me, but, I have to ask You pretty much all the time to "save" me again from falling into the pit.  Important to my living victoriously....You answer me.  You assure me of Your love to me.  I live with a history  from You that gives me peace.  I love to see a verse of scripture speaking to me through Your word that unequivocally tells me that YOU  KNOW  EXACTLY   HOW  I  FEEL.  I am so grateful for the gift of Your word to me.
A few years ago, I was teaching in Wednesday night church.  Maybe a dozen were present.  It doesn't matter, really.  I knew when the subject came up, I wouldn't quite know how to answer.  Is there a difference in the outcome of a particular question if You pray........or if You don't pray?  Of course, Lord.....the plausible answer to a query like this is all spiritual.  Yes.  Of course you pray!  Duh!  Then why in the realm of all that is good and holy.....would a stupid question like that even enter a mind?  Hmmmm.......Lord, why?  Because,  I say that when let loose....allowed to roam through the recessed  areas of our mind.....looking at the realities of the sadness of life.....we fold.  Rather, I fold to the snide comments of the enemy.  Sometimes, I hate to say it out loud.  But, I admit, I look at the obvious areas of defeat and degradation and admit "It's just too late to pray!"......or "What use is it to pray?".......and I have to force myself to say...."Get thee behind me Satan......I've got to pray!"  Lord.....I have faltered in the past.  The reality of life  in my own life and in the lives of those we love..... have sometimes stifled me......and I have failed in even murmuring the words, "Please, Lord.....just help us!"  That is a sin, I believe.  For me, anyway....someone who should absolutely know better.  Of course, there is that part about me.....the part I am not too crazy about.  The part where I have to admit I am human.  And, then I can come to You and  say how sorry I am for this, that and the other.  I hate that.  I'd like to be perfect.....I think.  'Course, considering the fact that You are.....and still not accepted by the world.....what do I know?  
I guess I know that You are the Christ.  The son of God.  You came into the world through a divine choice by God.  A natural birth by immaculate conception.  Oh, divine Lord.....help me never to forget that when You were completing the plan Your Father had for You to die a cruel death on the cross.....You prayed.  And, I am sure You felt very alone.  Forgotten.  Abused and hurt.....  just waiting to be saved by the multitude of angels standing by.  It was quiet.  Did You understand that no one would be coming to save You?  I've often wondered if You secretly knew.  Somehow though, I feel that You were in the dark then......as we feel we are sometimes now when we pray and ask for Your help.  Faith in You.....a silent resolve that You, in Your divine-ness......have our best interest in Your hands.  
I'll stand by that, dear One.  I'll do my best to remember it.  I speak all of these thoughts in the name of Jesus.
Amen.