Honestly Lord....I truly wonder if all the hoops I have to jump through to write this letter to You is

worth it.  And, now that I just said it...I can't believe You don't  wonder if I am worth it.

I know...I am constantly threatening to stop this …...and  every few months, I purposefully make this a job I wish I hadn't created for myself.  Lord, I need to write.  I need to.  I overflow if I don't.  Words come out.  Often, they are words that shouldn't be spoken...especially if I see them in print.  I'm embarrassed. I might just need a diary.  Then I wouldn't write at all.  You know why, Lord (?).  Yeah, I know.  It would be something like this.  I got up....drank my coffee.  Thanked you that I woke up.  Then, I proceeded to sit on the couch to watch the news as long as I could stand it....then, decide.....I believe I will just shut my eyes a little.  Twenty minutes later, more or less, I am still wondering what I should do OR not do. I don't care to read that.  

 Jesus, dear One.....I have a venue for talking to You....I am Yours, yet ashamed I don't accomplish more for You.  Can You give me a swift kick back to reality?  What do I pray about today?

For me, there is so much.  Our children.....our grands. The folks we are responsible for at our church. Each of them have so many issues.  Mostly, We just need to pray for each other.  Some things are so hurtful it just takes our breath away....and others, well....No one understands like You do.  You are a friend beyond compare.  I find it a pleasure to think about You listening to me.  Could You give me wisdom and knowledge from the scriptures to make decisions.  You want us to be Your instrument to give those we talk to Your wisdom.  Not mine.  My experiences may or may not help.  When we are in the position of advice giving.....It is certainly my intent to inch those I speak to, closer to You.

Sometimes I have found that when we are "listening", we are not at all.  We are waiting for someone to take a breath so we can "tell our story".  It ends up in a group setting to be a "Can You Top This" 

session.  Lord, I am anxious to be Your messenger.  Not everyone is interested in what I think.  (Lord.....I still don't understand that!!)  That is supposed to be a joke, Lord!

Could we talk later....I found myself  floundering awhile ago.  You have a way of calming me.  I call it PEACE in the midst of a storm.  When that happens, I could go on forever.  I need to get myself a shot of that.  Or, get a jar to slather onto my face.  I hate to be such a needy child....but, EVERY single time I try to manage things myself.....well, You and I both know what happens.  I am so predictable.  

For the words I pray.....for the thoughts I generate in my head.....I pray in the name of Jesus.

Amen.

I can only tell You how I feel, Lord.  I am anxious, insecure, unable to state my case because I have no words to do so.  I found it so unnerving to realize …..just a short time ago.....that the issue I've been dealing with for ages....could be taken care of. 
 For years.....actually a few decades.....I've lived by the "Lord, Change Me!" technique.  I found that the author of this small pocketbook, had written her experiences trying to deal with people or circumstances.  I loved the premise of saying....."Lord, Change Me!" Not my spouse, not my neighbor, not my parent, not my sibling.  Just change me.  I've lived by it so long, I almost felt like I wrote it.
It's funny, Lord....and not funny (haha)…..it's odd to me that for all the days, weeks, and/or months I have struggled with my issues, honestly not even thinking about the spiritual help you provided me with so long ago.  I get so disgusted that the enemy of our souls will do anything to knock us off our pedestals.....especially when a body feels the Lord is our strength and shield and all we have to do is go to Him...…"I need You more.....than ever before."  This is truth.  I will always need You more.
I have often wondered how Your special servant, David, who was a man after your own heart, could fail You so completely with Bathsheba.  It is uncanny how the evil one can blind a person, so they are not even aware they have failed.  It was as if David was totally clueless until Nathan pointed to him and said, "THOU  ART  THE  MAN".  
 A piece …a very huge piece of the 'Lord, Change Me' study is the portion on forgiveness. I've needed it over the years we've pastored.  No one means to....most of the time....but, some do....so You will understand that they are spiritually superior to you. I found comfort (oddly), in doing the work that the book suggested.  It has worked wondrously well for me over the years. In II Corinthians, chapter 2, 5 through 11.   
                          5.  If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me....as he has
                               grieved all of you.....6.  The punishment inflicted on him by the majority
                               is sufficient.....7.  Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him so
                               he won't be overcome by excessive sorrow.....8.  I urge you, therefore, to
                               reaffirm your love for him.....(I had a great deal of trouble with this one.)
                               9. Another reason I wrote you was to see if you would stand the test and be
                               obedient in everything....10. Anyone you forgive, I also forgive.  And what
                               I have forgiven....if there was anything to forgive- I have forgiven in the
                               sight of Christ for your sake-  11.....in order that Satan might not outwit us.
                               for we are not unaware of his schemes.

Actually, Father.....I also think that he talks about the fact that if our nemesis does not receive our
forgiveness.....he,  or she will perhaps become so discouraged they would miss the glory of 
heaven.  

Father, I remember how stubborn I was....I remember how patient you were with my dogged 
reasoning.  Forgive me again.

Thank you, dear One....I love YOU at this beautiful season.  In Jesus name I pray.....Amen.
                               

Oh Lord,  My God!  When I in awesome wonder....consider all the works Thy hand hath made.  I see the stars.....I hear the rolling thunder....Thy power throughout the universe displayed.  Then sings my soul, My Savior God to Thee.  How great Thou Art!  How great Thou Art!  
Lord.....I am amazed at how You love me.  You are constantly by my side.....even though I wish You'd leave me alone.  What ….How could I say that?  Sometimes, even though I am silenced by my own stupidity.....sometimes, I look back at how You wait for me to understand.  I wonder, Lord...….I wonder if I will ever understand.  I do not think I am that wise. So, then....My only recourse is to ACCEPT that I will not ever rise to that level.  It's okay Lord......I give You my heart.  Handle it however You need to.  I  really haven't done such a great job on my own.....I keep thinking that I will do alright because I have been Yours for so long.  I think the longer I live.....I hate to say it.....the worse I get.  Honestly, Lord.....Why do I think I have all the right answers....not only for myself.....but, for everyone else.  Score 1 point for just maybe, "getting it"!  For once.

  

All week I have thought about a song I heard one Sunday Morning.  It was at our church, I believe, in Muncy PA.  Beth Steele sang it.  I only remembered these words...until I looked it up.....but it cut through the nonsense of some and went right to the crux of the matter.  "You're the Only Jesus Some Will Ever See".  You're the only WORD of life, some will ever READ.   I remember thinking that day....I wonder if I have made a difference for anyone....that perhaps has watched me from afar and have made anyone thirst for  the Jesus in me.   

Lord.....it as been years and years ago that I heard this song and thought those thoughts.  If I am "the only Jesus some will ever see"..... how many have been disappointed in my responses,  in my demeanor, in the fact that I am human and forget people are watching. AND THAT....Oh, Lord....is my only excuse.  Help me. Help us all, that claim to love You, to remember You are counting on us to be Your instrument.  I fear dear One.....my instrument has been terribly out of tune.  

I am open to being Your child forever.  Please, forgive my failures....Give me just what I need.

DID I JUST SAY THAT?  

I did.  Make it so, Lord.  Amen.

Every time I need You, I only have to think....Lord, I need to talk.  I don't even think about You not being there for me.  What ever the need is......the time of day.....the worry that perhaps You aren't listening because I failed You 5 minutes ago.....it all disappears, when I think about telling You my heart thoughts.  There is such sadness all around.  I have more than I could ever ask or think.....and yet, I feel such sadness at times.  It's embarrassing.  I know You are forever my king.....and most amazing, in spite of all my  failings, You love me.  The fact that You accept me is what I thank You for right now.  I hate to say it.....but for now, I feel like a pretty raggedy Christian.  So full of doubts.  So tired of just being  a regular child.  I'd like to be a little above average.  I'd like to prove to You I can be trusted.  I'd like to know that You can always depend on me.  I'm pretty good at acting the part.  I always loved playing a part.  I could pretend I was someone else.  For me, right now though, there are no parts to play.  I have to .....at some point......let my relationship to You, stand on it's own merit.  For real.  If I was playing the part of any Christian woman in the Bible.....who would I be?  Would I find it easier to play the part of a Delilah, a likeness of Lot's wife or a Mary, the mother that raised You and watched as You died such a painful death.  Even if she were ever aware that You would be raised to life in a few days.....the pain and horror of that day would be erased.  The  plan that You created for us.....Your children.....is different for us all.  No one just gets by.  We are appointed to live.....and to die.  I guess, Lord, that I would like to do the best job I can at both.

I am so grateful now that You are the eternal father of us all.  When I ask for Your help, You know I expect You will come up with a plan.   It usually ends up being one  that works wonders I never imagined.  Now.....considering what I have sent to You lately, I am wondering what You will come up with.  I , and not just me, Lord......I want what I want when I want it.  Nothing much has changed since I was born.  I have learned though that You have an answer.  Please Jesus, make it so.  The peace that passes all understanding is so impossible to take in......but, I accept it with all my heart.  I believe that I finally understand that You do all things well.  I write these words.....believing and knowing I'm doing it in the same of Jesus.  Amen and amen.  ("......and the Emmy goes to....)

As usual, dear One......It takes me a little while to catch on to what turns out to be plain old, everyday Biblical truths.  I guess I am not  sure how I seem to miss these important things.  I think my spiritual journey would be so much less bumpier and drama-filled if I could remember to draw on the past knowledge of the scriptural truths, I've read through the years.  The "Lords' Prayer".  How these words.....no matter what version.....speak to the heart and soul of all individuals.  "Our Father.....Who art in heaven....Hallowed be Thy name.  Thy kingdom come......Thy will be done.....in earth....as it is.....in heaven.  Give us this day , our daily bread......and forgive us our debts.....as we forgive our debtors.  And.....lead us not into temptation.....but, deliver us from evil......for thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory.....forever.  Amen."   Dear One.....when we moan to You about not being able to pray.....and lately I myself, have done that very thing.....I should be ashamed.  Repeating that prayer, is following Your leadership in praying.  And.....above all of that....is being obedient.

Another prayer that we should be quick to memorize and recite when nothing else is working.....is the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi.  Could You tell me why we don't "put ourselves out there" by repeating the words of this particular prayer.  Recently finding myself listening and silently repeating the words were enlightening.  "Lord....make me an instrument of your peace.  Where there is hatred, let me sow love....where there is injury, pardon.  Where there is doubt, faith....Where there is despair, hope.  Where there is darkness, light.....and where there is sadness, Joy.   O divine master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console.....to be understood as to understand....To be loved, as to love.  For it is in giving that we receive....It is in pardoning that WE are pardoned....and it's in dying that we are born to eternal life.  Amen.

I think that we look for reasons to not behave ourselves.....to not be the "Instrument of Your peace" that You would want us to be.....I think mostly because we do not want to be told we are wrong.  That perhaps we are disobeying Your plan with all the "most righteous of reasons".  " Who?  Me, Lord?  Oh, no!!  You've got it all wrong."

I need to be so careful, Lord.  I could possibly be stepping all over my own feet trying to get out of Your way.  Especially when I think I am helping You.  Dear One.....You know the cries of my heart.  You know what I can do.....and what I can't.  You know when I am trying.....and when I am faking it.  But, You also know, with all this conundrum of pleas.....and prayers, promises and plans.....I need You to always bring me back to Your plan for me......not. someone.else.  I can do Your plan for me.....because I know that You know I can do it.

The Serenity Prayer has been around for quite awhile.....Oh, my!  It has given life to many a dying soul.  "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change......Courage to change the things I can....and the wisdom to know the difference."  How clear is this?  Only those who believe in the sanctity of saying these words and meaning them with a wholeness of heart.....will survive their plight.

Bottom line for me is in Proverbs 3:4-6......"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart.  Lean not to your own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge Him.....and He shall direct thy paths."  

No matter who we are.....or how smart we are.....we defer to an all knowing God.  Omniscient.  He knows what He is doing.  Lord,  the teacher, preacher, mother part of me, wants to "help you".  I ask Lord, that the sabbatical I've been on could be extended a bit......so, I can learn more and more of the plans You have for me.

All of this I pray in the name of Jesus.  Amen.  

 

Once again, Lord.....I find myself, looking in on my own life.  I am suspecting You get tired of waiting for me to make a decision...."find myself".... or be contented.  Since You, dear One....know me better than I know myself.....I wish You would tell me.  You could mention things like......"Can't You just wait till I tell You what I want You to do?".......or......."Why do You question every move I make to show You the way?"......or "Maybe You could just relax and believe I do ALL things well"! 

I have been waiting.  What I feel is too long a time.  I want some answers.  I want You to make things clear for me......and I think you know already I need for You to draw me a picture.  I always read between the lines.....trouble is.....I often get things wrong.  I just hate admitting that.  Could You just take over now?  I really am just tired of trying to figure out the "what" and "why" of all I am so concerned about. 

I'll never forget when I read a comment about "why I, even after writing out all my thoughts to You,  do not seem like a very happy person.  I thought and thought about why, indeed?  Lord, to tell You my heart needs and thoughts, I find myself in a decided funk.  Is it because I don't "leave it with You"?  As per usual,  I pick up "   my bed" and "my stuff"......and walk away?  Lord.....I have listened for years to my Dad preaching......to the preaching of my own husband....deep and resonant to my own soul.....and, I am beginning to think that I don't practice what I preach at all.  Taking my needs to You is part of the problem.  Not that I don't think You can help me....I really do.  It's just that just maybe I am embarrassed that I am so needy.....especially since I have been a born-again Christian for so long.....and should know better.  I have visualized taking all my wants, needs, and itinerate baggage.....and placing them all into a big black trashbag....dragging it to the foot of the cross.....and walking away......without it.  I'm beginning to wonder if, as I stand there....contemplating leaving it with You.....I put my hand in that bag, thinking I can help You out a  little, and take a few things out that I feel "I can handle".  I'm not really aware, I don't think.  But, I know that "Betwixted  and Between",  I believe I do. That very thing.....I think, is why I don't have the peace I should have.  And, to me....peace equals contentment equals happiness.  I wish that once and for all, I could remember that YOU, dear One, have my best interest at heart.  Because....."You doeth all things well."  I believe this in my core.  Help me really believe it!  Really needs to be underlined.

Give me an understanding of what You need me to know.....and wipe out the areas that confuse me.  You know my fears.  You also know the longings of my heart.  Sometimes, I'm not even sure I do.

                                "Oh, for a thousand tongues
                                 to sing, my great Redeemer's
                                 praise.  The glories of my God
                                 and King.  The triumphs of
                                 His GRACE."

All I write and give to You, Lord......each word is to You, in the name of Jesus.  And, to Your will for Me, Your servant.  Amen.