Lord......are You listening?  I'm sitting here in a hospital room with a fellow I married some 54 years ago.  I'm looking at him

right now.....and I have to look twice.  Hair is not so important. I've always said that. To others.  I was trying to prepare myself when I had cancer....I even bought a wig.  But, I never needed it. Now, I see a man that I married and always "orchestrated" how he wore his hair.....(So sorry, Lord--I shouldn't have) .....with no hair.  He does have a nice head.  "I need Thee every hour".

Did I mention, Lord.....I could have used a little warning when he came to me and ask me to fix his hair that Sunday morning?

You know how clueless I am at times.  When you depend on a limb (in this case, a left arm) to help you comb, button, tie, wash, dress....it's debilitating when you discover something isn't right.

Finding this out....we immediately drove to an Emergency Ward of the St.Francis Hospital.  Lord......thank you for calming me.

Thank you for giving me Your presence at my right hand.  When stroke and heart attack were ruled out.....I knew we might be in more trouble than I could have believed. 

I guess I never thought about this happening.  Lord....thank you for reminding me that I do not have it all together.  That I need You every hour.....Oh....I really do.  

The words...."You have cancer".....takes you to a place that only God can reach.  That only God can give peace to.  I found it for myself.  I'm believing that I can have this with my beloved spouse, also.  I need it.  I need You to help my unbelief.  The enemy has a hay day with me.  You have always known this.....and even though You do.....I have to remind You to remind me. " I need You every hour, every hour I need Thee.

This is a short prayer.  I cannot go farther.  I am depending on the prayers of others to lift me to You.  I'm thankful You do that for us.  It's true, Lord.  Most of the time I can't believe I'm here at this place in my life.  And....when I quiet myself.....all I can say is "Help....or Help me.....or Help him!"

Give me strength for today.....and bright hope for tomorrow....

Great is Thy Faithfulness....Lord, unto Thee

"I need Thee....Oh, I need Thee.....Every hour I need Thee....Oh bless me now my Savior....I come to Thee."   Amen and Amen.

Dear One....my Lord and Savior

I come to You, once again, asking for what I cannot provide for myself.  There is no strength like Yours.  There is no place safer than in Your arms....and of course the peace that passes all understanding....is what only You, God, can provide.  No one......not any one individual.....understands like You do.  Way too often, Lord....l wait too long to come to You for my consolation.  Today, I will put that all to rest.  It seems as if I do not  it "write it outloud" , it doesn't get said.  Atleast not sufficiently.

A few months ago now, You were there when a cousin of mine, died.  You saw him.  I like to think that he looked up as You held out your hand.... and said, "I knew You would come, Lord".  A beloved son, and brother , his father and mother and siblings, have grieved for him. We all have.  This young man had his life mapped out.....atleast, all that a young man just out of High School can plan.  Out of the blue.....illness reared its' ugly head.  Lord,  when that happens.....we find ourselves reeling from news that nothing we do, can fix it .  Even after years go by, we find it hard to accept that all we hoped for will not be realized.  We find it hard to accept  what we see happening.  We find it too hard to accept what is.  

Only believing. Lord.....will save us.  When we are broken.....bleeding.....and can find no hope, believing YOU and only YOU will sustain us and bind our wounds, can we survive such sadness in our lives.  That healing balm of Gilead, is a source of comfort to our souls.  I ask that YOU, dear One, will minister to my beloved family.  Their loss is ours too.  We must bear each others burdens.  This fullfils the laws You have given to us.  These laws were made for our benefit.  I pray that  You would be near and dear to those of us who call on You.
      

"Precious Lord, hold my hand.....lead me on, help me stand.  I am tired.  I am weak.  I am worn. Hold my hand through the night...lead me on....to the light.  Hold my hand, precious Lord, lead me on." 

All of these words.....are my plea to You, Lord.  I ask Your will be done in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Honestly Lord....I truly wonder if all the hoops I have to jump through to write this letter to You is

worth it.  And, now that I just said it...I can't believe You don't  wonder if I am worth it.

I know...I am constantly threatening to stop this …...and  every few months, I purposefully make this a job I wish I hadn't created for myself.  Lord, I need to write.  I need to.  I overflow if I don't.  Words come out.  Often, they are words that shouldn't be spoken...especially if I see them in print.  I'm embarrassed. I might just need a diary.  Then I wouldn't write at all.  You know why, Lord (?).  Yeah, I know.  It would be something like this.  I got up....drank my coffee.  Thanked you that I woke up.  Then, I proceeded to sit on the couch to watch the news as long as I could stand it....then, decide.....I believe I will just shut my eyes a little.  Twenty minutes later, more or less, I am still wondering what I should do OR not do. I don't care to read that.  

 Jesus, dear One.....I have a venue for talking to You....I am Yours, yet ashamed I don't accomplish more for You.  Can You give me a swift kick back to reality?  What do I pray about today?

For me, there is so much.  Our children.....our grands. The folks we are responsible for at our church. Each of them have so many issues.  Mostly, We just need to pray for each other.  Some things are so hurtful it just takes our breath away....and others, well....No one understands like You do.  You are a friend beyond compare.  I find it a pleasure to think about You listening to me.  Could You give me wisdom and knowledge from the scriptures to make decisions.  You want us to be Your instrument to give those we talk to Your wisdom.  Not mine.  My experiences may or may not help.  When we are in the position of advice giving.....It is certainly my intent to inch those I speak to, closer to You.

Sometimes I have found that when we are "listening", we are not at all.  We are waiting for someone to take a breath so we can "tell our story".  It ends up in a group setting to be a "Can You Top This" 

session.  Lord, I am anxious to be Your messenger.  Not everyone is interested in what I think.  (Lord.....I still don't understand that!!)  That is supposed to be a joke, Lord!

Could we talk later....I found myself  floundering awhile ago.  You have a way of calming me.  I call it PEACE in the midst of a storm.  When that happens, I could go on forever.  I need to get myself a shot of that.  Or, get a jar to slather onto my face.  I hate to be such a needy child....but, EVERY single time I try to manage things myself.....well, You and I both know what happens.  I am so predictable.  

For the words I pray.....for the thoughts I generate in my head.....I pray in the name of Jesus.

Amen.

I can only tell You how I feel, Lord.  I am anxious, insecure, unable to state my case because I have no words to do so.  I found it so unnerving to realize …..just a short time ago.....that the issue I've been dealing with for ages....could be taken care of. 
 For years.....actually a few decades.....I've lived by the "Lord, Change Me!" technique.  I found that the author of this small pocketbook, had written her experiences trying to deal with people or circumstances.  I loved the premise of saying....."Lord, Change Me!" Not my spouse, not my neighbor, not my parent, not my sibling.  Just change me.  I've lived by it so long, I almost felt like I wrote it.
It's funny, Lord....and not funny (haha)…..it's odd to me that for all the days, weeks, and/or months I have struggled with my issues, honestly not even thinking about the spiritual help you provided me with so long ago.  I get so disgusted that the enemy of our souls will do anything to knock us off our pedestals.....especially when a body feels the Lord is our strength and shield and all we have to do is go to Him...…"I need You more.....than ever before."  This is truth.  I will always need You more.
I have often wondered how Your special servant, David, who was a man after your own heart, could fail You so completely with Bathsheba.  It is uncanny how the evil one can blind a person, so they are not even aware they have failed.  It was as if David was totally clueless until Nathan pointed to him and said, "THOU  ART  THE  MAN".  
 A piece …a very huge piece of the 'Lord, Change Me' study is the portion on forgiveness. I've needed it over the years we've pastored.  No one means to....most of the time....but, some do....so You will understand that they are spiritually superior to you. I found comfort (oddly), in doing the work that the book suggested.  It has worked wondrously well for me over the years. In II Corinthians, chapter 2, 5 through 11.   
                          5.  If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me....as he has
                               grieved all of you.....6.  The punishment inflicted on him by the majority
                               is sufficient.....7.  Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him so
                               he won't be overcome by excessive sorrow.....8.  I urge you, therefore, to
                               reaffirm your love for him.....(I had a great deal of trouble with this one.)
                               9. Another reason I wrote you was to see if you would stand the test and be
                               obedient in everything....10. Anyone you forgive, I also forgive.  And what
                               I have forgiven....if there was anything to forgive- I have forgiven in the
                               sight of Christ for your sake-  11.....in order that Satan might not outwit us.
                               for we are not unaware of his schemes.

Actually, Father.....I also think that he talks about the fact that if our nemesis does not receive our
forgiveness.....he,  or she will perhaps become so discouraged they would miss the glory of 
heaven.  

Father, I remember how stubborn I was....I remember how patient you were with my dogged 
reasoning.  Forgive me again.

Thank you, dear One....I love YOU at this beautiful season.  In Jesus name I pray.....Amen.
                               

Oh Lord,  My God!  When I in awesome wonder....consider all the works Thy hand hath made.  I see the stars.....I hear the rolling thunder....Thy power throughout the universe displayed.  Then sings my soul, My Savior God to Thee.  How great Thou Art!  How great Thou Art!  
Lord.....I am amazed at how You love me.  You are constantly by my side.....even though I wish You'd leave me alone.  What ….How could I say that?  Sometimes, even though I am silenced by my own stupidity.....sometimes, I look back at how You wait for me to understand.  I wonder, Lord...….I wonder if I will ever understand.  I do not think I am that wise. So, then....My only recourse is to ACCEPT that I will not ever rise to that level.  It's okay Lord......I give You my heart.  Handle it however You need to.  I  really haven't done such a great job on my own.....I keep thinking that I will do alright because I have been Yours for so long.  I think the longer I live.....I hate to say it.....the worse I get.  Honestly, Lord.....Why do I think I have all the right answers....not only for myself.....but, for everyone else.  Score 1 point for just maybe, "getting it"!  For once.

  

All week I have thought about a song I heard one Sunday Morning.  It was at our church, I believe, in Muncy PA.  Beth Steele sang it.  I only remembered these words...until I looked it up.....but it cut through the nonsense of some and went right to the crux of the matter.  "You're the Only Jesus Some Will Ever See".  You're the only WORD of life, some will ever READ.   I remember thinking that day....I wonder if I have made a difference for anyone....that perhaps has watched me from afar and have made anyone thirst for  the Jesus in me.   

Lord.....it as been years and years ago that I heard this song and thought those thoughts.  If I am "the only Jesus some will ever see"..... how many have been disappointed in my responses,  in my demeanor, in the fact that I am human and forget people are watching. AND THAT....Oh, Lord....is my only excuse.  Help me. Help us all, that claim to love You, to remember You are counting on us to be Your instrument.  I fear dear One.....my instrument has been terribly out of tune.  

I am open to being Your child forever.  Please, forgive my failures....Give me just what I need.

DID I JUST SAY THAT?  

I did.  Make it so, Lord.  Amen.

Every time I need You, I only have to think....Lord, I need to talk.  I don't even think about You not being there for me.  What ever the need is......the time of day.....the worry that perhaps You aren't listening because I failed You 5 minutes ago.....it all disappears, when I think about telling You my heart thoughts.  There is such sadness all around.  I have more than I could ever ask or think.....and yet, I feel such sadness at times.  It's embarrassing.  I know You are forever my king.....and most amazing, in spite of all my  failings, You love me.  The fact that You accept me is what I thank You for right now.  I hate to say it.....but for now, I feel like a pretty raggedy Christian.  So full of doubts.  So tired of just being  a regular child.  I'd like to be a little above average.  I'd like to prove to You I can be trusted.  I'd like to know that You can always depend on me.  I'm pretty good at acting the part.  I always loved playing a part.  I could pretend I was someone else.  For me, right now though, there are no parts to play.  I have to .....at some point......let my relationship to You, stand on it's own merit.  For real.  If I was playing the part of any Christian woman in the Bible.....who would I be?  Would I find it easier to play the part of a Delilah, a likeness of Lot's wife or a Mary, the mother that raised You and watched as You died such a painful death.  Even if she were ever aware that You would be raised to life in a few days.....the pain and horror of that day would be erased.  The  plan that You created for us.....Your children.....is different for us all.  No one just gets by.  We are appointed to live.....and to die.  I guess, Lord, that I would like to do the best job I can at both.

I am so grateful now that You are the eternal father of us all.  When I ask for Your help, You know I expect You will come up with a plan.   It usually ends up being one  that works wonders I never imagined.  Now.....considering what I have sent to You lately, I am wondering what You will come up with.  I , and not just me, Lord......I want what I want when I want it.  Nothing much has changed since I was born.  I have learned though that You have an answer.  Please Jesus, make it so.  The peace that passes all understanding is so impossible to take in......but, I accept it with all my heart.  I believe that I finally understand that You do all things well.  I write these words.....believing and knowing I'm doing it in the same of Jesus.  Amen and amen.  ("......and the Emmy goes to....)