John wanted to write a book, Lord.  He kept telling people that he wanted me to help him.  "Just a small one", he said.  Dear One.....I don't understand.  It would have been good to help him go through the answers to prayer he felt were going to save him. He felt assured that the five month chemo plan would free him from the confines of the terrible disease that he was afflicted with.  We both did, Lord. Seldom are you ever told that  you will be cancer free in six months.  Now we know that it was not Your plan at all. 

I wish so much, dear One.....that it had been.  I just cannot hardly take it into my brain. He's not here  with me....in the next room sleeping.  He'd be upset I'm still up. He'd say, "You need your rest....why don't you come to bed."  I always assured him I'd be okay.  It's almost 2 AM, now. I took that sinus medication. Too bad I took the daytime pills. Right now, Lord.....with what has happened, I would rather sleep.

Thank you though, Lord....I have needed to talk.  I just haven't.  I've let Your servants pray for me.  To lift me....to give me strength.  I have to walk on my own, Lord.  You can give me Your strength.  I am too weak on my own.  John's favorite verses I've decided to take on as my own....they will of course always be with me.  Proverbs 3:4,5 and 6 tell me that if I trust in the Lord with all my heart....if I don't lean on my own understanding of anything that happens....and if I acknowledge You in all I do....You will direct my paths. I believe You will. 

It's a little scary, Lord.....this path, I'm on.  My heart is breaking.  I have been very used to having a loving, patient, Godly, preacherman by my side.  No one could make me laugh like he could.  You picked out the perfect husband for me......dear One, I will forever be grateful. I don't know what would have happened to my life if You hadn't chosen him for me.  


Of course, I am going to wait on You.  I'm going to try very hard to be patient. Please show me your way.  Give me Your peace.  Give me Your presence.  Give me the hope of a brighter day.

In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth.....I speak and ask for mercy.  Amen.






D

What in the world, Lord?  I didn't see this coming....I haven't even had time to decide if I'm mad at You or not.  All the time we pray....."we ask everything in Your will; and in Your way....we ask in Your name.....".  I want to always cover all the bases.  I don't want to leave anything to chance.  And here now.....I have not really been able to breathe very well. 

Was all this Your plan? 

 My troubled mind has been trying to find some rest. I spent every night with him in the hospital, except for one.  What began as a plan to fight this terrible cancer, ended before we could gather the troops to work out another direction to go in.  
We just looked at each other......not speaking.

Lord, I know that I should be more spiritual.....but, all I can think of is that secular song that voices my heart right now.  "How am I supposed to live without him.....now, that I've been loving him so long...…".  I know from what I have learned from watching the grieving of others through the years of our ministry.....I know You are mapping out my life, as we speak.  And yes, I know....  I'm not giving You a chance to say anything.....as Judge Judy says, " I'm still Speaking"! is all I can say.  Lord....for days, I've barely said anything to You.....anything but, "HELP".  Everyone has lifted our names to You.  And, You have lifted  and Strengthened us.

In  the first few weeks, our hope was to continue in ministry.  but, of course to get well first.  How he loved his little church the past few years.  It gave him a way to get his urgency to preach again...out.  And, Lord....You gave him fire and fervor and great enthusiasm.

We as the family he has left behind are still suffering and grieving.  I know, dear One....I know  you will help us.  

Give us peace that passes all understanding.  Give each of us the comfort that ONLY YOU can give.

I ask and give these words to You, hoping that You will do Your will and give us the acceptance of our tragedy, and make Your name glorified through it.  In Jesus name.  Amen.

Lord......are You listening?  I'm sitting here in a hospital room with a fellow I married some 54 years ago.  I'm looking at him

right now.....and I have to look twice.  Hair is not so important. I've always said that. To others.  I was trying to prepare myself when I had cancer....I even bought a wig.  But, I never needed it. Now, I see a man that I married and always "orchestrated" how he wore his hair.....(So sorry, Lord--I shouldn't have) .....with no hair.  He does have a nice head.  "I need Thee every hour".

Did I mention, Lord.....I could have used a little warning when he came to me and ask me to fix his hair that Sunday morning?

You know how clueless I am at times.  When you depend on a limb (in this case, a left arm) to help you comb, button, tie, wash, dress....it's debilitating when you discover something isn't right.

Finding this out....we immediately drove to an Emergency Ward of the St.Francis Hospital.  Lord......thank you for calming me.

Thank you for giving me Your presence at my right hand.  When stroke and heart attack were ruled out.....I knew we might be in more trouble than I could have believed. 

I guess I never thought about this happening.  Lord....thank you for reminding me that I do not have it all together.  That I need You every hour.....Oh....I really do.  

The words...."You have cancer".....takes you to a place that only God can reach.  That only God can give peace to.  I found it for myself.  I'm believing that I can have this with my beloved spouse, also.  I need it.  I need You to help my unbelief.  The enemy has a hay day with me.  You have always known this.....and even though You do.....I have to remind You to remind me. " I need You every hour, every hour I need Thee.

This is a short prayer.  I cannot go farther.  I am depending on the prayers of others to lift me to You.  I'm thankful You do that for us.  It's true, Lord.  Most of the time I can't believe I'm here at this place in my life.  And....when I quiet myself.....all I can say is "Help....or Help me.....or Help him!"

Give me strength for today.....and bright hope for tomorrow....

Great is Thy Faithfulness....Lord, unto Thee

"I need Thee....Oh, I need Thee.....Every hour I need Thee....Oh bless me now my Savior....I come to Thee."   Amen and Amen.

Dear One....my Lord and Savior

I come to You, once again, asking for what I cannot provide for myself.  There is no strength like Yours.  There is no place safer than in Your arms....and of course the peace that passes all understanding....is what only You, God, can provide.  No one......not any one individual.....understands like You do.  Way too often, Lord....l wait too long to come to You for my consolation.  Today, I will put that all to rest.  It seems as if I do not  it "write it outloud" , it doesn't get said.  Atleast not sufficiently.

A few months ago now, You were there when a cousin of mine, died.  You saw him.  I like to think that he looked up as You held out your hand.... and said, "I knew You would come, Lord".  A beloved son, and brother , his father and mother and siblings, have grieved for him. We all have.  This young man had his life mapped out.....atleast, all that a young man just out of High School can plan.  Out of the blue.....illness reared its' ugly head.  Lord,  when that happens.....we find ourselves reeling from news that nothing we do, can fix it .  Even after years go by, we find it hard to accept that all we hoped for will not be realized.  We find it hard to accept  what we see happening.  We find it too hard to accept what is.  

Only believing. Lord.....will save us.  When we are broken.....bleeding.....and can find no hope, believing YOU and only YOU will sustain us and bind our wounds, can we survive such sadness in our lives.  That healing balm of Gilead, is a source of comfort to our souls.  I ask that YOU, dear One, will minister to my beloved family.  Their loss is ours too.  We must bear each others burdens.  This fullfils the laws You have given to us.  These laws were made for our benefit.  I pray that  You would be near and dear to those of us who call on You.
      

"Precious Lord, hold my hand.....lead me on, help me stand.  I am tired.  I am weak.  I am worn. Hold my hand through the night...lead me on....to the light.  Hold my hand, precious Lord, lead me on." 

All of these words.....are my plea to You, Lord.  I ask Your will be done in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Honestly Lord....I truly wonder if all the hoops I have to jump through to write this letter to You is

worth it.  And, now that I just said it...I can't believe You don't  wonder if I am worth it.

I know...I am constantly threatening to stop this …...and  every few months, I purposefully make this a job I wish I hadn't created for myself.  Lord, I need to write.  I need to.  I overflow if I don't.  Words come out.  Often, they are words that shouldn't be spoken...especially if I see them in print.  I'm embarrassed. I might just need a diary.  Then I wouldn't write at all.  You know why, Lord (?).  Yeah, I know.  It would be something like this.  I got up....drank my coffee.  Thanked you that I woke up.  Then, I proceeded to sit on the couch to watch the news as long as I could stand it....then, decide.....I believe I will just shut my eyes a little.  Twenty minutes later, more or less, I am still wondering what I should do OR not do. I don't care to read that.  

 Jesus, dear One.....I have a venue for talking to You....I am Yours, yet ashamed I don't accomplish more for You.  Can You give me a swift kick back to reality?  What do I pray about today?

For me, there is so much.  Our children.....our grands. The folks we are responsible for at our church. Each of them have so many issues.  Mostly, We just need to pray for each other.  Some things are so hurtful it just takes our breath away....and others, well....No one understands like You do.  You are a friend beyond compare.  I find it a pleasure to think about You listening to me.  Could You give me wisdom and knowledge from the scriptures to make decisions.  You want us to be Your instrument to give those we talk to Your wisdom.  Not mine.  My experiences may or may not help.  When we are in the position of advice giving.....It is certainly my intent to inch those I speak to, closer to You.

Sometimes I have found that when we are "listening", we are not at all.  We are waiting for someone to take a breath so we can "tell our story".  It ends up in a group setting to be a "Can You Top This" 

session.  Lord, I am anxious to be Your messenger.  Not everyone is interested in what I think.  (Lord.....I still don't understand that!!)  That is supposed to be a joke, Lord!

Could we talk later....I found myself  floundering awhile ago.  You have a way of calming me.  I call it PEACE in the midst of a storm.  When that happens, I could go on forever.  I need to get myself a shot of that.  Or, get a jar to slather onto my face.  I hate to be such a needy child....but, EVERY single time I try to manage things myself.....well, You and I both know what happens.  I am so predictable.  

For the words I pray.....for the thoughts I generate in my head.....I pray in the name of Jesus.

Amen.

I can only tell You how I feel, Lord.  I am anxious, insecure, unable to state my case because I have no words to do so.  I found it so unnerving to realize …..just a short time ago.....that the issue I've been dealing with for ages....could be taken care of. 
 For years.....actually a few decades.....I've lived by the "Lord, Change Me!" technique.  I found that the author of this small pocketbook, had written her experiences trying to deal with people or circumstances.  I loved the premise of saying....."Lord, Change Me!" Not my spouse, not my neighbor, not my parent, not my sibling.  Just change me.  I've lived by it so long, I almost felt like I wrote it.
It's funny, Lord....and not funny (haha)…..it's odd to me that for all the days, weeks, and/or months I have struggled with my issues, honestly not even thinking about the spiritual help you provided me with so long ago.  I get so disgusted that the enemy of our souls will do anything to knock us off our pedestals.....especially when a body feels the Lord is our strength and shield and all we have to do is go to Him...…"I need You more.....than ever before."  This is truth.  I will always need You more.
I have often wondered how Your special servant, David, who was a man after your own heart, could fail You so completely with Bathsheba.  It is uncanny how the evil one can blind a person, so they are not even aware they have failed.  It was as if David was totally clueless until Nathan pointed to him and said, "THOU  ART  THE  MAN".  
 A piece …a very huge piece of the 'Lord, Change Me' study is the portion on forgiveness. I've needed it over the years we've pastored.  No one means to....most of the time....but, some do....so You will understand that they are spiritually superior to you. I found comfort (oddly), in doing the work that the book suggested.  It has worked wondrously well for me over the years. In II Corinthians, chapter 2, 5 through 11.   
                          5.  If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me....as he has
                               grieved all of you.....6.  The punishment inflicted on him by the majority
                               is sufficient.....7.  Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him so
                               he won't be overcome by excessive sorrow.....8.  I urge you, therefore, to
                               reaffirm your love for him.....(I had a great deal of trouble with this one.)
                               9. Another reason I wrote you was to see if you would stand the test and be
                               obedient in everything....10. Anyone you forgive, I also forgive.  And what
                               I have forgiven....if there was anything to forgive- I have forgiven in the
                               sight of Christ for your sake-  11.....in order that Satan might not outwit us.
                               for we are not unaware of his schemes.

Actually, Father.....I also think that he talks about the fact that if our nemesis does not receive our
forgiveness.....he,  or she will perhaps become so discouraged they would miss the glory of 
heaven.  

Father, I remember how stubborn I was....I remember how patient you were with my dogged 
reasoning.  Forgive me again.

Thank you, dear One....I love YOU at this beautiful season.  In Jesus name I pray.....Amen.