Lord…..here I am.  Reluctantly I say, “Send me!”

For goodness sake, I fear You could turn Your back!  I don’t deserve Your love or Your mercy! Yet You give me all that and more. Love. Mercy. Grace. My excuse is that forever (it seems), I have done all and more of what has been asked of me…..rarely saying “no”.  Of course, saying “yes” and complaining about my weariness sort of makes me a poor candidate for anything.  Often I have thought about who You use when I fail to come through for You.  The fact that You use another because I have failed or just said that I could not, makes me feel like I should sit in the corner for a while.

How do I discern what it is that You need me to do for You and/or my desire to show others how important I am to You.  It is ridiculous to put those thoughts into words….I think it shows great shallowness.  It also opens the door to unneeded accusations from the enemy of my soul.  He has great delight in making us feel like failures.

The fact that I have tried for years to fulfill the plans You have for me…..and do hope I have made a positive difference.  Lord, I remember when Mom was in such a tenuous place the last years of her life.  I know after Dad died, her sorrow in losing the love of her life, I never really understood.  One can try, but that grief is only known by one who has known it personally.  Lord, then after her life was so dramatically changed….so many wondered what good You could derive from her situation.  It was a traumatic time…..boy, Lord…..I can’t even believe howYou took me through that nightmare. After all was said and done…..she lived 4 more years. Not being able to move….dependent on a ventilator to breathe…..unable to speak…..what could You do with that?  Also, that last year she was in an unconscious state….so there was no more communication.

I remember so well the day You showed me how You worked through her life…..as broken as it was.  I walked into her room at the rehab center where she stayed and saw a favorite nurse which had been placed on another wing.  She’d probably worked on mom’s side many months.  We all liked her so much. I excitedly asked if she would be coming back to work with my mom. “No!”, she replied. “ when I am upset or need a break to just breathe a little, I just walk down here to Sylvia’s room.  When I see her, I see peace!”

A lightbulb went on in my being.  God will find a way.  He does that.  

I guess I will just let You run the show of my life…..I guess as I always (mostly) have.  If we give You our selves, in total commitment, then You have the reins.  Lead on, dear One. 

I pray in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

 Father in Heaven…….Humbly I bow in Your presence.  Trying to even find my blog website tells me I am so in need of your assistance in finding my place again.  I submit to You, dear One, I sometimes wonder if I ever had one.  I know of course, that the enemy has this power to raise up my flaws, so I continually let him do so.  I maintain that he has no power IF I call on Your name…..why don’t I?  Why do I dishonor You this way.  Is it the old, familiar “why’s and lies”……”I’m too tired!”…..”Let me rest a little and I’ll feel better”…..song and dance tune?

You must get so annoyed with my constant need of assurance.  I get tired of me.  I know.  I do. Why can’t I remember I know?  Perhaps if I go back to the beginning of writing my blog.  My purpose, I thought, was to encourage others to realize they could talk to you as honestly as they could as if you were in the room (with skin on) and they dared.  Sometimes, I wonder if you would look at me and say…..”Really Corrine.  Again?”  I don’t know, Lord.  I don’t think You would.  I know I can come to You…..and you will not get tired of listening to me….and you will not scold.  It’s a constant barrage sometimes.  Maybe I give the enemy too much fodder.  Lord……one thing I do remember is that “Greater are You that is in me….than he that is in the world.  “

It is a battle of the wills, I believe.  We (especially Me) need to be on guard against the enemy of our soul. As the days of Your coming  back, draw nearer…..the prince of darkness will hasten his efforts to deceive, intimidate, delude and confuse everyone.  Plead the blood of Jesus.  I’ve heard it since I was a girl.  I wasn’t even sure what it all meant……I just knew that if somebody older and wiser than me would do it…..I would too.

Another thing I felt was important to remember was that the power of Satan is broken, when the name of Jesus is spoken.  Scriptures that use the name of Jesus….I would suggest  are the ones to put to memory.  Here I am telling You, dear One, how to defeat the power of the enemy.  You have already defeated him.  Lord God, I am amazed at Your power.  I am amazed that I have Your words at hand, in word and song, to use to diffuse the evil one’s power.

What amazes me most, is that I hesitate…..wait…wonder…moan and complain.  I vow to stop this behavior.

I will work, till You come for me to remember not to wait ‘til I’m so beleaguered I cannot think.

Help me remember.  Help me, Lord.

I pray this in the name of Jesus.

Amen.  And, amen.

Dear One…..Why is this such a trial for me?  Is it sheer laziness…..?  Or is a plan of the enemy to dissuade me from ever writing to You again?   

I allow this.  I’m not disabled. I still have my senses. I seem to have this feeling of “Why?”  Or worse, “Why bother?  I ask, once again…..would You forgive me.

Lord, I am ashamed to admit these flaws in myself.  

My hopeless helplessness in “pulling up my bootstraps” and getting on with it eludes me way too often.  I am ashamed that I get caught in this web of the usual “What should I do?  How do I do this or that? What do “they” expect me to do?  Not really knowing who “they” are.  

You have given me the privilege of witnessing some pretty life -changing events recently.  I’ve been able   To watch You allow my brother to be taken from death’s door to a walking miracle.  What the Doctors did in a 24 hour period was truly a modern day miracle.  When I am allowed to see the blessings that You allow us as Your children to experience and enjoy…..how do I fall so hard , so fast….seemingly on my face.  Our …..(my) incessant worrying about things I cannot change……events that are coming and I prefer to stick my head in the sand till everything is over…..is all too familiar territory for me.  For over a year I dreaded knowing my beloved oldest child would need surgery.  The right surgeon could not be found that could and would do the operation.  Lord, You handled things for me. I am under her roof helping her to relax and heal from all of the trauma her body encountered.  I’m so very grateful that You step in….You fill in the gaping holes I am sure I will fall into…..and free me from the ties that bind me.  I’m so grateful You refuse to tire of my constant fears of my future.  

When I let You, You fill my mind with the blessings, that You give me.  The family and friends that love me despite my flaws.  “There is none like You.  No one else can touch my heart like You do. I could search for all eternity through…..there is none like You.”  

In all I write…and think to pray….I ask in the name of Jesus Amen. And amen.

 Lord, I don’t even how to start.  I’ve needed to write for so long…..sooo long.  To tell You how I feel is almost impossible.  Maybe as I write ….the words will come and the feelings will too. 

“How can I say thanks for the things You have done”……are the first lines of a well known song written quite a few years ago. I believe Andre’ Crouch wrote it.  At the time it was written, I, along with the millions of other listeners felt it was the truth in their lives.  It is truth.  It has touched the hearts and lives of many…..and yet, here I am …..sitting in my living room, on my couch, writing You this letter to find out…..just how I am supposed to say “thank you” to You for what You’ve allowed to happen in my life.  

I believed John would get well, Lord.  I believed him when he told me he planned to live until You came back ….or until he got to be 100 years old like his Grannie Bell. I thought I’d be safe either way.  You know that we always sort of just laughed it off and went our way.  It’s soon going to be two years that You came to get him.  I know he was already at the gate waiting ……as we stood around his bed.  We watched every flicker on his face….his shallow breathing……the pulse beating on the side of his throat.  We talked softly.  We whispered at times.  We sang …..rather badly…..we held his hands….patted him….willing him to not leave us.  We also saw his countenance change.  We saw his face become almost luminescent….no lines …..his teeth looked like the color of white pearls.  The only thing that didn’t change was the lack of his beautiful white hair. As I think back at the day, it was like I was standing in a very sad place….watching the man who had begged me to be his wife……and the love of my life…..leave us all.  I think, that each of us, as we look back at the scene, knew he wasn’t there.  He may have very well been watching us from above.  It truly was such an empty feeling.  An emptiness that You Lord, and the Holy Spirit can ultimately fill.

I’m not sure how I am still breathing after all of it.  I’m not quite sure how I continue to do this without him.  I know, Lord…..it’s all You…..but……somehow….You’ve got to show me how to be……what?  I do not even know how to say it.  I have people say “So, how are you doing?  Or feeling?”  I live as happily as I can!  Without him! Isn’t that what the people want to hear?  I guess it is.  I am thankful, Lord, that I am safe.  I live in a wonderful place.  I live in beautiful section of daughter, Christy and her husband and family’s home.  I have a little bit of a job at their store. A special couple gifted me with a beautiful car to drive.  I’m able to get around and see folks…..go out to eat…..play the piano at church……what more?

Lord, I do feel that my inability….or stubbornness to be thankful in all things is preventing me from  a greater blessing.  Relief.  Is that it?

Haven’t I been accepting of what You’ve allowed in my life?  Or have I been considering this “acceptance” as a “reasonable sacrifice” on my part?

I truly think I need Your peace to fulfill my hearts cry. My willingness to say those words (that heretofore I have not been able to say)…..even though I don’t really want too, I believe is vital for me.  (Lord, You and You alone, know how I think…..I know, it’s scary…..but, You understand my thought process).  So….what I will do is compose my very own private message to You….telling You what I need to…..and, with You knowing I don’t really want to…….but need to…..because it is a command that we be thankful in all things. 

Lord…..I know that preachers and teachers all try to decipher what the word of God tells us.  That words like “for”….”in”….”all”……serve the very different ways we interpret scripture.

You also know my anxious heart and know that my love and devotion to You depends on my honesty with You.

I pray and believe that I will remain Your child and stay in Your “Good Graces”  (for lack of a better term)…..and serve You to the end of my days, faithfully.

In all of these words written, I pray in the name of Jesus.

Amen amen.

 Dear One…..Once again….I come, I come.  Why do those words remind me…..?  Of course I know.

The old familiar hymn that has shaken some to their  core in facing the reality of their own soul in jeopardy …..and others……out of that face to face inevitability of another encounter with that song….”Just As I Am” .  “Just as I am, without one plea…..but that Thy blood was shed for me …..and that Thou bid’st me come to me…..O Lamb of God, I come….I come.   

I did, Lord.  I couldn’t stand the prospect of living without You.  I do realize that some call it weakness.  Or using a crutch, to get through life.  I call it the right thing to do.  Life is not easy.  It can pull you from stem to stern (whatever that means).  It sure does seem to fit the scenarios of our lives, at times, though!  I just realized if I woke up in Heaven  on Christmas Day after I go to sleep Christmas Eve night, I would know the fight to live for You would be over.  It is, You know, Lord.  A real “knock down and drag out”!  If we are not on guard, with our armor on…. The enemy is quick to step in and take over the job of leading us into his traps that have already been set for us. It is like a mine field.  He is good at his job.  He wants us to yield to his temptations and snares that surely  will set us on the path ….forget path.   It’s more like a newly tarred and white lined one, created for our driving pleasure…..into complete destruction for us……for me.

Lord, I am blessed. I have a precious family that has loved me…..sustained me. I have all I need.  I’ve been given a wonderful place to live.  I have been given a beautiful car to drive.  I even have a job……..I started to say “but”.  In the scheme of things, there’s always a but….but, I am trying hard not to say it!  I find Lord, Lord, that even though I am blessed with all of this…there is a loss that only You can fill.  I can be in a room full of loved ones….friends and /or family……and that empty place seems so deep….so encompassing.

I thank You ever so much. I was given a gem of the rarest kind.  You overwhelmed me at a pretty young age.  I give You the praise for allowing me the joy of  having fifty -five years with this special preacherman.  He was, I truly believe…..Your gift to me.

Some have never known this kind of blessing…..  I will forever give You the praise.  

Often, I miss a blessing because I do get caught up in moaning about my plight.  I pray….sincerely, that You would fill all of the empty places…the nooks and crannies of my being,,,,into places You would fill with Your divine-ness….Your Holy Spirit.

I yearn for a new level of a deep knowing of Your will and way for me. An understanding of You and the peace of my ♥️ heart.  “ I love You, Lord….and I lift my voice……to worship You….O my soul…..rejoice!  Take joy. My King, in what You hear….may it be a sweet ……sweet sound …..in Your ear.”

All of these words, Lord…..each one placed together to form the deep sounds of my heart…..they are written in and through the blood of Jesus.  I’m so thankful You were born to take away the sins of the world…..including mine.  I’m thankful for the cross.

Merry Christmas, Jesus.  Amen and amen.

Lord in Heaven….I’m sorry it takes me so long to write.  It is honestly the only way I can put my thoughts into perspective. And, until I do, write, that is….it’s truly the only way I can have peace. The days past have been so filled with surprise event's (not happy ones), and frequent unpleasantness…..that I haven’t been sure whether to laugh or cry.  I guess I can’t blame everything on”the enemy” (I think he deserves it)…..I guess it truly is…. just life.  Some handle it well….and there are those that cannot function at all.  Because I have You, and a good doctor….I am satisfied that I have done my service for You well. 

When I got the call from her, I didn’t know what to do. She wanted me to come.  And, honestly Lord, I just didn’t want to.  I knew I would be at her beck and call on a consistent basis for as long as I was there. My relationship with my sister-in-law has always been a bit on the tenuous side. I was always afraid I’d say the wrong thing, the wrong way. There was a strong love and devotion….yet tempered with hopeful approval.  I’m not sure I am saying it right, Father……but, I think You are well aware of what I mean. Of course, You know  I did go to be with her….You made it clear.  If I had only known the last time would be the last time….would I have been more  of what she needed me to be?  I hope I did serve her well….as You would be pleased as if You had done it yourself.  I was so shocked when I was told she was not going to survive this last hospital stay.  Lord…..I thought that it doesn’t say much for my “caregiving” skills.

How can I thank You, dear One.  You placed me where You wanted me. That was what You wanted. There have been times when I wasn’t sure what You were doing. I remember a verse of scripture You gave me  years ago when I was desperate for answers…. Answers that You gave me.  From Isaiah 41,  ”You are my servant…..I have chosen you….I have not rejected you….”.  It was clear.

The years we had together were precious to me. This woman inspired me…taught me…complimented me, right from the beginning of our relationship.  She gave me tons of her treasures.  I was always grateful because her stuff was always nicer than my stuff.  She would laugh and just give me more!  (So she could go buy more.) 

Thank You Lord, for my years with her.  Thank You, dear One, for giving us people that will help us grow in You. Thank you for loving me, tempering and changing me into the image of myself You need the world to see.  I am grateful.

I pray these thoughts and reflections in the name of Jesus. Amen.

 “How Can I Say Thanks for the Things You Have Done for Me…..”.  Dear Lord, I cannot even express with mere words what You have given me. WhyYou chose to give me such peace in the midst of that awful storm…..I will for evermore be grateful.  And, I will never forget it.  I’ve re-read the prayer I sent to You after I found out Lowell died…..it was truth…..every word…..as I saw it.  And, felt it. My heart was burdened…..my twin brother’s felt the very same way I did. We were so sorrow filled.  When I wrote in the very early morning hours about my brother not waking up….I hoped and prayed he had talked to You.  You know how we are, Lord….we think we have to know things….things that people like to keep to themselves.  I’m just so filled with joy that You allowed us a look into heavenly places.

I guess at first I wondered if I could believe what I was actually told.  And then Lord….I thought, why would I ever doubt such a wonderful event?  Because it didn’t happen to me?

I stand amazed in Your presence, Lord.  I stand amazed at how You work through Your visionaries.  That is what I will call her.  Her sister, Susan, first called me the morning after I found out Lowell died in his sleep.  She’s telling me about this encounter Kathy had called her about.  Not that I didn’t believe it…..I just wanted to hear it from Kathy’s own mouth. Nothing could prepare me for what I heard, Lord.  I realize I don’t have to tell You this…..but, for those peeking over my shoulder as I write….I  need to write it “out loud”.  As a matter of fact, as I physically just visited with Kathy at her home…she took me outside in her yard, where You had spoken to her.  She showed me how she just stood in her yard right near the back porch. And…..it was there that she spoke aloud…..saying something like…..”This is awful, Lord!  This is just awful.”  Expressing that I was just getting back on my feet after John dying…..”and here’s something else to grieve over!”  In the middle of this “talk” she was having with You…..You stopped her…..by quickly interjecting Your own thoughts.    

“Stop it, Kathy!   He’s. With. Me!”   

It is such a miraculous event that I wish everybody could read about this encounter she experienced with You.  As I looked around her yard, Lord…..I just marveled at what she and I had experienced.  

You have allowed me to experience a piece of the PEACE that passes all understanding……from the Throne of God.

Thank You, dear One, for loving us as You do.  As we go about our lives, doing our day to day duties……trying to live up to the expectations everyone might have of us…..or even up to the expectations we have of our own selves…..help us to be concerned with the expectations of what we feel You have for us.  And then, help us to be true to that cause.

We are Your instruments.  Help us keep them in tune, shined and ready to use at a moments notice. When I think that I could be an emissary for You to someone who needs to hear from You…..as Kathy was for me……I want to be ready.  Oh, my!  I can’t think of anything more wonderful. 

Thank You, dear One!  I am humbled, and blessed to be Your child.

I pray in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

Post note……The young women I have written about are the daughters of my husband’s brother.