Lord.....Could You tell me why this is so hard, anymore?  I am always trying to fit in "one more thing" before I begin my prayer.  It never fails....cleaning the floor, washing a load of clothes, catching up on "Words With Friends", and today......getting a suitcase and all my paraphernalia ready to go away.....all of it seems so important.  Granted, I can write another day.  I can always write another day or another time of the day.  But, when I begin to write, I detest stopping.  That is another problem.  I always think satan is trying to get the better of me....and I am always trying to prove to him that I am determined to do what I feel YOU want me to.  Around and around I go.  I spoke to a new Christian yesterday who is trying to "make" it with all of his anxieties and addictions going against him.  He feels if he can make it another week or so......he'll be free and clear.  Jeepers, Lord.....I've been Your child forever, and I still feel like satan is trying to get the best of me.  Lord.....I didn't argue or try to discourage his plan to serve You...... I just let it go.  Every time I find myself mentoring someone, I think I say too much.  I try to warn them about the evils of this world and how I think satan uses our past and our present to discourage us (them) from moving forward.  Lord, only You can make us into the image of Yourself that You need us to be.  You help us serve You in the presence of our enemies.  And, I would assume that an enemy to us.....to me.....or to anyone reading this......that it would be one that urges us to make choices that deter with God's plan.  Choices that involve going against the Word of God,  the will of God, or the essence of God.

I read this week about Suzanna Wesley.  A devout woman of God, a mother that no doubt was the apple of Your eye.  Her ten children knew without any speculation that their mother was sent by God to be raised into men and women that would serve Him one day.  Since I have not educated myself on her life....I know that one son, preached and taught thousands of people to serve and love God....to believe in the trinity and to witness the Spirit of God lifting him to a higher level of spirituality than he had ever known.  I know too, that another son wrote pieces of music that would be sung in the churches throughout centuries.  Hymns that would not only ensure the doctrines and disciplines of holy living , but , encourage and raise our voices and hearts to the heavens.  I really know little else about this mother and her ability to connect to YOU, Lord.   Trying not to be a little envious of her closeness to You,  I found it so touching that when she felt the walls of her own home and children's voices  closing in on her and drowning out the sound of Your voice or Your word to her......she would literally throw her apron over her head to shut out the chaos.  I would imagine Lord, that when the family noticed......they would quiet down.....quickly.  I do love knowing that her heart and mind were like the other women you created.  We do the best we can...with what we have.....for as long as we can ......with your guidance.  

 I continue to feel, dear One.....and assume that if I do not determine to keep my walk with You close at hand.....in my mind's eye......satan will interject himself.
It's what he does.  That is his job.  Why do people not believe that?
Or.....if they do.....seem to walk so close to the line of  "no communication" with You.  I have done it.  Walked that line.....thinking, "I have no time right now.....".  Lord Jesus.....I cannot afford to be so obtuse.  I need to sound like the father of the sick and dying child that You spoke to in Mark 6:34.  You asked him if he believed that He (Jesus) could raise up the boy.  The man said "Yes!  Yes!  I believe!".  And, then immediately afterwards said ...."Lord, help thou my unbelief!"  Oh, dear One.....I believe.  I surely do believe.  But.....You really need to help the part of me that doesn't "believe".  I hate to even say it.....but, that is the truth of how so many think.  We Believe.  Sometimes.

Help us, Jesus.  Help us to never doubt what You have said to us.
Help us to draw ourselves so close to You that no one can see the difference.  Help us to believe that even if we were the only one living to be saved.....You would go through the agony.  (I have to admit, Lord.....this one seems impossible.)  Help me believe it.  The impossibilities are endless.  The words of the scripture are given to us to be believed.  I believe them, Father.  Help me to believe.

In the name of Jesus I pray....AMEN......and AMEN.

Computers are great, Lord.  EXCEPT......WHEN I POST A WHOLE PRAYER AND IT HAS GONE INTO OBLIVION.....Okay, I'm calm now.  But, it just took me a half hour to write this last prayer and it is gone.  Now, what do I do?  Try to copy it?  Start from scratch? 
Okay, now.....let me think.  I am trying to think.  I could wait till tomorrow.  I could.  But, then of course, our enemy has time to put his worthless plans into action.  I always try to offset his intrusions with calling on Your Name, Lord.....he does go away, for awhile.  I think I will, Lord.  I think I will just keep writing and let You lead the way.....whether I pray about the same things.....well, that is Your desire and call.  Once I get it on paper, I feel I have done the most important thing.  Help me to ask You what is the most important prayer I could pray this evening.

Lord, I love to write big like this, so my friend Ruby, can read it.  And, although sometimes the computer doesn't cooperate with me.....I like the italic font, too.  So......where were we, Lord.  Yes, I had just asked Your blessing on the prayer I just wrote and asked it all in the name of Jesus and said, "Amen".  And, an added "Thank You".  Now, Lord......that's just what I need in this one too.  I know I come pretty close to the line in being irreverent.
 
 I don't mean to....I just want You to know that I am who You created, long ago (like 69 years), but, hopefully not as mouthy.  I need You to hear me.  I need for You to understand what I want.  I want to be able to speak to You as I would my very dearest friend.  Wait!  YOU ARE my very dearest friend.  I am a handful.  I get anxious.  I am worrisome to the point of being a pain in the neck.  I borrow trouble.....all the time.  I invent scenario's of "what could happen"......and get myself all tied up in knots.....and the most amazing part of all of this.....is that YOU love me.  Still.  This abiding, unconditional love is what keeps me coming back, over and over and over.....for advice, and wisdom, and strength and just plain old talk.  You do listen to the desires of my heart and decide what will insure the plan You had for me all along.  I am grateful, Lord....for the times You allow me to help You.  I was so happy to be able to speak with a dear one this week.  Just a quick call, it was.  But, I obeyed Your nudge.  Even though I sort of hate the phone.....I obeyed.  It was good.....it was brief and I was able to help, I think.  I spoke of the armor of God that we have at our disposal.  Why would You have given us all of that information about wearing our armor, if You didn't mean it.  I suggested, because they told me they weren't sleeping, that they wear the "Helmet of Salvation" to bed.  I likened it to the old aluminum rollers I used to wear to bed when I wanted my hair a certain way for school the next day.  Those stupid things just about always gave me fits when I went to bed. " But", I said," just remember to wear it because it will not allow satan to insert more evil into your mind while you sleep".  He has no mercy.  He has no power but what we give him....so, if visualizing placing the "Helmet of Salvation" on our head......we will sleep in peace, I believe.

Lord, I don't know if all of my ideas work.  I don't know if my advice is too elementary.....I just know that, if a child does not understand what salvation is......then, we have made it too complicated for the average man or woman to "get it".  You love us. You want us to ask forgiveness for the sins we have committed.  You want us to obey You.  You have given us rules to follow in the "Ten Commandments".  You have taught us how to pray as You did with Your disciples in the "Lord's Prayer".  You expect us to live with You in Heaven one day when You come for us.  Lord.....how in the world do we make such a fuss over how all this is done. To push our way to the front of the line.....yelling when we get to the "gate"........"Come quick....Over here!  The best Christians are over here!"   The Bible is our road map for the journey.  It speaks to all of the issues we encounter in our lives....and You give us a portion of Your divine mind so we can discern the right from wrong. 

 Now, Lord Jesus, help me to live according to Your plan for my heart and life.  I thank You for the places You have allowed me to serve You.  I thank You for the ones You have allowed for me to minister to.  I thank You for those who seem to "get" what I mean when I speak to them.  In other words, I don't have to keep saying the same thing different ways so they "hear" me.  I love that.  And, I love how, when I ask, You allow me the pleasure of seeing just how much You love and care for me by making that known, just to me.  I get it.  I understand it.  And, it makes me feel closer to You.

My heart and mind desire to walk with You till the end, Lord.  Even though I may have a tendency to look longingly after a road You think I shouldn't travel.....I ask that.....and yes, I mean it, You would reign me in.  Stop me from wanting my way.....and lead me to the path of everlasting life.  I have no desire to try another route.  Thank You, Lord for the Eternal Life You have promised. 

All I pray and ask about.....I pray, once again, in the name of Jesus and His divine will.  Amen.















































































































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Post Script:  Here is the letter that disappeared.  Lord, I am not sure what to do with this.....so, I will post it.....and You can put it where You want it.  SCD

Lord.....I just erased a few sentences of my prayer......not to You, but to public consumption.  I know there are so many that don't get the "talking to you as if You were my friend" part of prayer.  If You were not my friend, Lord......I doubt that I would be infringing on Your time, asking Your advice, pouring out the intricacies of MY thought process (that very few would understand anyway), and asking for Your divine guidance in Your plan for my life.  No one could ever put up with the back and forth issues that swirl around in my head.  Should I?  Shouldn't I?  Can I?  Can't I?  What is Your will for me?  What is NOT Your will for me?  I cannot thank You enough for allowing me to work out whole scenario's with You in my mind.....trying to make the most sense out of what part I will play.  I am glad Lord, that, most of the time, the acting part that You have set up for me is just minimal.  Behavior aside, I do my part, and someone else fills in the speaking part.  As long as Your message gets through.....that is the perfect way to go.  A woman in class today gave me a "thought for the day".  She saw it or heard it somewhere and I like it.  I can huff and puff about how responsible "we are" to get everyone saved and keeping them saved.....but, I think that  really our job is to make sure WE are saved and remain saved.  The statement is "God called.  He'd like to have His job back!!"  Way too often, I worry over things I think I should have said.....or should have done.....to the point of being so distracted  and filled with anxiety over it that the concern about my own spiritual condition is pushed to the perimeter of my heart and mind...... I completely  miss what satan is trying to do.   He has no fear.  He has no mercy.  God has already given him his verdict.....his goal is to take all he can with him.  Yikes!  I have to be careful, Lord. I  have to remain vigilant and aware of the tricks he uses.

  I spoke to someone who is struggling to keep on track with Jesus this week.  Every day we have talked briefly.  They mentioned not being able to sleep the night through.  Lord, it is hard when one lays down to give their body rest.....and the mind is racing from one vignette to another....plans, dreams, hopes, broken promises, ruined lives and our failures are topping the lists.  Everything is worse in the dark it seems while sleep is so elusive.  I understood then, what it feels like to get up from such a night and head into a day unprepared. Years ago, Mom would do flannel graph lessons for the children in Sunday School.  I remember even helping her arrange some of these for the lessons.  One I recall in particular was the young man preparing for battle....and the armor he would wear as  told in the scripture lesson of Ephesians, Chapter 6.  The Helmet of Salvation.  The Breastplate of Righteousness.  So many pieces, each one suggested to keep us safe from the evil one.  Lord.....out of the blue, I suggested that they wear the "Helmet" to bed.  Not to take it off to rest.  I realize it's only a description of what we should do.....but, just as it would be uncomfortable to go to bed with a helmet on......we could somehow arrange ourselves appropriately and really rest, knowing that our brain and the precious contents in it will be protected from the devil's constant habit of bringing more chaos and confusion to us in our sleep.  Lord, not everyone understands my thinking.  But, thank you for giving me people to minister to, who do.  All I want is to "help someone today".  Not hoards.  Just who You place in my pathway.  Give me strength for today.....and a bright hope for tomorrow.  Your grace empowers me.  Your gentle way of dealing with me, makes me yearn to come to You more and more.  Thankfully, I have passed the place where I am embarrassed to "ask for help again".  I do not know why.....but, it delights me that it delights You, when I come to You.   I will remain dependent on the awesomeness of Your wisdom to direct me.  I ask all.....I tell all.....in the name of power of Jesus Christ.  Amen.  Thank YOU, dear ONE. 

Thank you, dear One......thank you for allowing me to live to see this day.  Onward I go.....yuck!  Into the year that precedes my seventh decade of life.  All I have done is moan about it.  There is not a thing I can do.....and I do not want to go back and do it all again......so, I'm going to shut up and buck up and make this as good a year as it can possibly be, spiritually speaking.  What I want and need is to seek to make my life holy and acceptable to  You.  It sort of seems so presumptuous....even to think I could live "holy and acceptable" to You. And, I guess realistically, it is not possible to do it, unless You are guiding my steps.  I can get so emotionally involved in life issues that require a statement at times.  I hear and see myself, thinking and speaking words of pronouncement when I am not really qualified to do so.  Just answering someones query......giving an opinion.....painting an answer with broad strokes and letting it dry.....perhaps just to peel or flake off.....and making a statement that will forever resound in someones ear....wrong or right.......well, I need to be , uh, more diligent.  Especially if I am going to help You.  I know, Lord.....I keep saying it.  I keep asking for wisdom,  promising to be Your mouthpiece if need be.....and I think I am doing right.....but, you know what Lord (?)....my edicts of a situation and opinions of one's behavior are not necessarily yours.  As a youngster, I learned a verse I claimed as a life verse later on.  "Let the words of my mouth....and the meditation of my heart....be acceptable in Thy sight, my strength and my Redeemer."   I'll never forget it.  Psalm 19:14, is supposed to be what I consider above all......and, I don't.  Not always.   Usually, after I blow my sweet demeanor all to pieces I then realize I should have spent less time talking and more time thinking and praying.  I read another verse the other day.....confirming how I should refer to You at all times.  I remember when I spoke to someone about salvation one time. Remember her?  I was desperate.  Scared.  Worried that I would "mess" the whole thing up.....and send her packing from the "religious nut" (me).  I remember answering only what was asked.  I did not move on.....enlarge......explain......until I was asked.  I did this only because I was fearful I would ruin your plan.  Thank you Lord, that what I encountered then, was, ultimately your plan......at least, I perceived it to be.  Lord.....I want to be your anxious but hesitant, an obedient and ever-present servant.  Watchful.  Pursuant.  Necessary.  Are those good words to describe Your servants?  If they are.....that's what I need to be.  Jesus, use me.  Let me be the calm voice of reason and hope for those I am to carry Your word to.  I realize that I'm the only Jesus some may ever see.  Will I look like You?  Will I sound like You? Only You can determine for me what is to be done.  I choose to live as You would have me to.
In all I pray.....and need pursued.....I ask all in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

Dear One......Thank You.  Thank You for the power of Your Word to us.  I find nothing more delightful.....than to open the scriptures and see a verse that will attend to the needs of my soul.....at just the time I need to see it.  The peace that it affords me is priceless.....and irreplaceable.  Lord, I need Your intervention continually in my life.  If I am without it for too long.....I feel that my steps are a little shaky and my words, regrettably, insignificant.  For years, I said little.  After a while, giving no opinion wears on you.  And, then.....what comes flying out of your mouth.....is often, not so good.  Way too memorable in my case history!  I am grateful for the untamed filter I have found in giving You the utter truth of my heart.  You take those places of regret and fear.....and lay hold of what is really  vital for me and my responsibilities to You as Your servant.  Lord, it would be a sorrowful end for me to know that my words and attempts to "fix" a wrong, would be misunderstood and ill advised.  Lord, always take my attempt to "fix" things as trying to be like You......not trying to replace You.
I cannot do anything I please, just because I have been a Christian for a hundred years.  I cannot say anything I please, for the same reason.  My abilities to give wise  advice come from Your wisdom infused in me.  The words I would use, would be as a foreign language to me.  That is how I know that Your wisdom is being spoken through me.  I just do not have the power on my own to even think of the words coming out of my mouth.   Being empowered by Your divine-ness is all I can depend on.  To do this, Lord......I need a clear line open at all times between You and me.  I would assume that all aspects of living as close to You as possible is my finest hope.  I love knowing that to live as close to You as possible......all I need to do is keep all lines of communication open is pay attention to Your words to me.  Spoken or written.
No disobeying Your Word.....as I understand it.  To listen to Your "still, small voice" carefully and to heed the warnings You give.....and to ask for all the empowerment You can trust me with. 
"Oh, deeper yet, I pray.....and higher everyday......and wiser, Blessed Lord.....In Thy precious, holy Word."
In all I pray and ask requests for.....I ask in Jesus Name....Amen.

I get so sick of it, Lord!   Every time I try to prepare my mind to write.....I panic.  It's so stupid.  I have always come to You wide open, candid and ready to say just about anything to You.  I start this blog......and, my brain turns to mush.  It more than likely has to do with my "Public Persona".....and that irks me.  I need to continue to be as transparent as I always have been.  Years ago when I began writing to You, I had very little trouble at all.  I had toddlers, two then, and pregnant with a third.  I spent my days as most mom's do.  Trying to "get through" the day with some semblance of order and what remained of my sanity.  Dear Lord?  Have I managed to succeed?  (I mean, the sanity part! We added a couple more children to that mix.)  Some days I still wonder.  I do remember though, when I would write my fears, concerns, and troubles for the day......how I felt, what I wanted You to do for me, and the energy to do it......I remember, when I finished the letter.....I'd burn it or thrust it into the insides of the trash can where it could never be deciphered.  I was ashamed, Father.  I was ashamed that if anyone would read my thoughts, I would be run out of town!  You know, Lord......I threw away so much.....just because I was fearful if my husband knew my thoughts, he would question if I was really who he thought I was!  Finally, I guess in my late thirties, I began to not be so concerned that someone would read my inner angst.  My only concern was that You were listening (or reading!).....and, that You still were concerned and loved me.  The fact that You forgave me over and over for my lack of spiritual-ness.....or my incessant and insolent dialog with You.  I know, without a single doubt, You saved my life.  You lifted me and held me close when I needed to be nurtured and forgiven.  Thank You , dear One.  Thank You for allowing so many incidents.....where I was SURE You had forgotten the talents I could offer.....work I could do to "prove myself" to our church.......thank You, Lord......for allowing me the time to raise our children to behave properly in the church.  I did.  I knew it was my job to do so.  It surely was hard at times.  I remember more than once after arriving home.....fixing our lunch......I wondered why I had even gone.  I spent more time outside than inside.  I was embarrassed "they weren't getting it". 
For the days ahead of me now, I hope and pray for Your word to continue to guide me into all of the truth You have for me to know.  The things that YOU feel I need to work on or change completely.  It is my desire to be like You, Lord.  I don't want to fail in my effort to ensure my entrance into the Gate.  As I mentioned to my class on Sunday.....I found myself comparing satan and his imps to the gnats that appear out nowhere in a house that is pretty much closed up to the elements.  He continually watches our comings and goings to find a place where he can slip into our being.  I ask, dear Lord, again, to protect my mind when I sleep....and to allow Your Holy Spirit, to provide wisdom and strength for the duties You need me to fulfill.  "I need Thee, every hour.....ev'ry hour I need.  O bless me, thou my Savior, I come to Thee." 
In all I speak of......in all I ask for.....I will never fail to use the name of Jesus to ensure that Your will would be done in my life.  Amen.

"Lord, I want to be pleasing to You.....in every thing I do......I want to love You more.....more than words can say......".  The song goes on with what I can remember, Lord, and, without going to look.  "You gave Your life, You paid the price for me......for me."  There's more......but, the end says....."But the least that I could do.....is live my life for You."  As we sang this song this week, Lord......I watched as our young song leader led the motions and sang this with our V.B.S. group.  I was touched by Your presence surrounding her and all of us as we sang.  The "sometimes noisy and inattentive" group was totally involved in singing this song.  It wasn't an ear-blasting, rhythm pumping chorus.  It was softly played and intimately soothing to listen to.  I guess that is what surprised me, Lord.  And the words.   The words I can remember, just keep running through my head today.  Over and over, I hear it.  'Course, Lord.....when that happens, I wonder if something is coming.  You know me and how my brain works.  I don't know......but, I do know that I do want to be pleasing to You in everything I do......and, I know that since I have failed before in this area.....I will again.  Regrettably Lord, You made me human.  I try, but sometimes I act in a manner that surely displeases You......I catch myself (often in the middle of it all) behaving badly or talking about something or someone I have no business speaking of.  So much of our lives, Lord.....are Your business.  No one else's.  Sometimes, we "legitimize" our gossip by framing it in a prayer.  Jesus, shame on me.  Show me how to pray.  Show me myself, again and again, so I can see what makes You sad.  I need to be Your spokeswoman.....I need to be Your prayer warrior....but.....Father.....I do want to pray according to Your will.   Always.  For me and mine.  For those who need to be prayed for so desperately.
Where there is little hope for intervention of man to protect or help.  Lord....these are desperate days for so many.  Tomorrow may be my turn.....but, today......only You know the cries of the hearts of some of Your people.  People I know and love.  People I pray for and wonder if I am saying the right words.  You know, Lord.....many times when You haven't answered me just how I expect You to.....I have thought...."Well....I guess I should have asked that differently.....You probably didn't understand my question!"  Oh, Lord......how stupid can I be.  It just leaves us wide open to satan and his deceitful games.   You saw me being formed in my Mother's womb.....so.....You know EXACTLY how I am wired in my thinking and my doing.  You know what I mean and how I mean it.  You know if it is selfish.  You know if it is desperation.  You know if it is worthy. Enough said.  I leave it to You.   My heart is weary sometimes in praying for those who give and give and give and,  seemingly give some more......and, Lord.....You know what I am thinking.  "Please Jesus, give them a break!"  I'm sorry, Lord.  There is so much I don't understand or have any wisdom to advise.  Lord, You are the One who is absolute in wisdom and answers to prayer.  Oh, dear One.....give me Your wisdom......give all to me that I can handle.  I won't ask for more.  Your plans for me....those I need to minister to.....please Father, don't let me fail them.
It's the least that I can do, Lord.....is give and live my life for You.  In all I do, pray and say.....I ask all in the name of Jesus.   Amen.

It's been a while since You woke me up, Lord.  Yes.....it was heartburn that sat me up, but, knowing I needed to write, I guess, did it too.  I find myself so grateful for the life I have been given to live.  I feel exhilarated......no, wait.  Check "no" on that one, Lord.  But, I should be.  I feel gifted with the husband You chose for me.  He and I sort of grew up together in marriage and children.  Now, I praise You because of the great dad he has been to our five.  How he loves them!  As he read and re-read the cards they sent him, tears came to his eyes.  How blessed we both are for the life of each one.  And, their spouses.....and of course, our grandchildren. 

Lord, I am blessed because You have continued to shine Your light of love on us.  And, then, when I think any farther past that....I do get fearful.  I have been connected this week to more than one friend who has borne a sorrow no one else can suffer for them.  I find that the great sadness that changes one's life forever is so  all-encompassing that it seems impossible to heal.  Each one bears the grieving process in their own way.  And, Lord......how grateful I am  that You take our personal thoughts and issues into consideration as the wound heals.  I do believe though, Lord .....that the build-up of scar tissue makes some healing near impossible.  I have seen such heartache....or what I perceive as heartache.  I know, Lord.....I have gotten myself worked up when I think I can fix something for someone I have no ability for.....and find that I couldn't possibly have a clue.....and can only just hug them and pray that You will fill that gaping hole with the fullness of Your love for us......and perhaps, a new and bright hope.  I don't believe that You leave us to suffer alone....languishing.....dying a little everyday.  I have to believe You can fill us with a new purpose and perhaps, a brighter day.  We are Your precious children.....and I believe You love us so individually that You understand us as no one else can.  When we love and care for our families, You give us strength and as we need it, wisdom for the situations we often find ourselves in.  So many times, from the outside looking in, issues seem so clouded and unclear.  Sadness for the lost hope discourages us.  Depression is the gloom that threatens our livelihood.  "O Lord, it is You within where we put our trust!" "We cannot live without Your constant guidance and love."  "Search us O God, and find anything in us that makes You sad.....and then, lead us into life everlasting."  Help me, Jesus.....Help us all, to "Lean not to your (our) own understanding....In all your (our) ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your (our) paths."  Lord, You said....."For I know the plans I have for You.....plans to prosper you and not to harm you.....plans to give you hope and a future."  And, when I see that throughout the centuries, You have fulfilled Your plan for those of us that love You and feel called to Your purpose, it does give me reason to hope.

Often......way, too often.....I feel that my contribution to the Kingdom is "slim to none".  Yet..... I also know that satan's job is to make me feel useless (so I will quit completely while he stands by, smirking).....but, I will stay true to what You have called me to......until You notify me with the proverbial pink slip! 

Have Your way, dear One.  My heart is Yours.  I have to make sure I am prepared.  Where is my helmet?  It's probably under the clothes I just threw in the closet.  Where's the light.....great, there is none.  Oh, my word!  There's that shoulder pad I've been looking for.   Okay, Lord.....this is not "Comic Relief" night......It's just me, trying  not be so morose.  But, seriously, Lord.....I can do nothing without my Helmet of Salvation.  Keep me in line, Lord.  I will do my best.

In the name of Jesus, I pray and plead the blood.  Amen.