Once again, Lord.....I find myself, looking in on my own life.  I am suspecting You get tired of waiting for me to make a decision...."find myself".... or be contented.  Since You, dear One....know me better than I know myself.....I wish You would tell me.  You could mention things like......"Can't You just wait till I tell You what I want You to do?".......or......."Why do You question every move I make to show You the way?"......or "Maybe You could just relax and believe I do ALL things well"! 

I have been waiting.  What I feel is too long a time.  I want some answers.  I want You to make things clear for me......and I think you know already I need for You to draw me a picture.  I always read between the lines.....trouble is.....I often get things wrong.  I just hate admitting that.  Could You just take over now?  I really am just tired of trying to figure out the "what" and "why" of all I am so concerned about. 

I'll never forget when I read a comment about "why I, even after writing out all my thoughts to You,  do not seem like a very happy person.  I thought and thought about why, indeed?  Lord, to tell You my heart needs and thoughts, I find myself in a decided funk.  Is it because I don't "leave it with You"?  As per usual,  I pick up "   my bed" and "my stuff"......and walk away?  Lord.....I have listened for years to my Dad preaching......to the preaching of my own husband....deep and resonant to my own soul.....and, I am beginning to think that I don't practice what I preach at all.  Taking my needs to You is part of the problem.  Not that I don't think You can help me....I really do.  It's just that just maybe I am embarrassed that I am so needy.....especially since I have been a born-again Christian for so long.....and should know better.  I have visualized taking all my wants, needs, and itinerate baggage.....and placing them all into a big black trashbag....dragging it to the foot of the cross.....and walking away......without it.  I'm beginning to wonder if, as I stand there....contemplating leaving it with You.....I put my hand in that bag, thinking I can help You out a  little, and take a few things out that I feel "I can handle".  I'm not really aware, I don't think.  But, I know that "Betwixted  and Between",  I believe I do. That very thing.....I think, is why I don't have the peace I should have.  And, to me....peace equals contentment equals happiness.  I wish that once and for all, I could remember that YOU, dear One, have my best interest at heart.  Because....."You doeth all things well."  I believe this in my core.  Help me really believe it!  Really needs to be underlined.

Give me an understanding of what You need me to know.....and wipe out the areas that confuse me.  You know my fears.  You also know the longings of my heart.  Sometimes, I'm not even sure I do.

                                "Oh, for a thousand tongues
                                 to sing, my great Redeemer's
                                 praise.  The glories of my God
                                 and King.  The triumphs of
                                 His GRACE."

All I write and give to You, Lord......each word is to You, in the name of Jesus.  And, to Your will for Me, Your servant.  Amen.
                                                                  

Dear Lord......When I finally find my special place on this computer.....I feel so fulfilled.  I am able to put my heart and soul into the words I have tumbling around in my mind.  When I am unable to find this quiet rest for myself, I slink into the confines of normalcy, and moan about not being able to fulfil this quest I have to write to You.  
I am forever composing a letter to You, dear One.  It is only when I can physically push the keys, to form the words and sentences to explain to You how I think......why I feel as I do......what I want for You to do for me...... and finally, how You will fulfil what I think I need....that I can truly rest.  I need the  fulfilment of what Your assessment of the needs I have.  Could You possibly understand what I am trying to say especially when I'm not even sure myself?  I think so.
I've always wondered, Lord.....when folks say the words....."God is good.....all the time, God is good."
Is this just a saying?  Is it lying to ourselves and to You, when we feel the walls closing in....and we parrot this phrase?  Or, is it something like "Act as if" ? Lord, when we are not getting the answers we feel we need.......when it seems that no one hears how I feel.....when there are more questions than answers......I am trying to stay positive.  I am unsure what You want me to do when I look into a doctor's face....and he say's , "It's still there."   Or,  we have a problem and we need to talk about options.  Those , and so many others are words that we as Your children have trouble living with. So many  are so tortured.  We are meant to be Your example.  Our responses and behavior are always on my mind.  Am I behaving as You expect me to, Lord?  Have I disappointed You in my choice of words?  Am I considerate of the feelings of others as they do their jobs to take care of my needs?
What is it Lord that can be done when we are at the end of ourselves and we need more direction?  My queries to You, dear One, are natural.  I'm always asking questions.  I like to understand what is happening.  You, however, are not as talkative as I would like.  You like for me to find my answers  in Your word.  You like for us to pray and wait.  You like for us to spend time thinking about what You have done for us, often finding our answers in our own words.  I'm wondering if You like for us to go over the things that have given and provided peace in our past.  So often we repeat the same behavior and by doing that, we often get the same result.  Whether its a clear and peaceful state of mind or chaos that we seek, it seems to be our own choice.  
I choose, dear One, for You to be leading the parade of my life.  I choose for You to be the Grand Marshall......I will not fear......for THOU art with me.  This is my prayer for today and tonight.  Give me the peace that passes all understanding.  So many are in dire straits......in serious harms way.  Lord only You can give us the shelter in times of storm.  All this and more is written in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

While I am constantly trying to decide whether to keep this up or not, Lord.....I wait.  Waiting for what.....is something I'm never sure of.  I love talking to You.  I like writing my thoughts and hopes to You.  I've wondered quite often if this is offensive to You.  I really wish I knew.  I am happy when readers say things like....."I love how you say things I am thinking....but, am hesitant to for fear of being disrespectful."  I'm not crazy about the comments that make me sound like a little kid whining to get their own way!  Whatever the case may be.....Lord, I am thankful I have this blog to do what I feel I have to.  Writing in long hand.....has always been my way.  The pain from my wrists make it so hard.  Typing on this computer really eases my pain and lessens my anxiety.  Moving to my need to tell You how I feel.....I suppose is pointless.  You already know this.  But, I am so relieved after I have finished a prayer, I know I am doing what I need to.  You understand my heart.  My "English" is clear as crystal to You.  You understand my heart thoughts.  I know Lord.....I have often thought....."Well, maybe if I use different words.....or explain it differently to You.....then, maybe, You'll give me the answer I am praying for."  I am just as anxious though, to end my pleas to You by committing my words and desires over to Your will.  See, Lord......I realize that my life is not worth a dime if my will is not coinciding  with Your will for me.  I love telling You what I want.....and how I think things should go.....doesn't everyone?  I have to quickly say in addition to that statement is.....I have learned to try my best to accept how You see things.  Granted, there are times that I do not want to do what You are suggesting....I also know that IF I do not accept what You have placed in my life....I will not EVER have one minute of peace.  That is what fuels us to keep moving on.  To not give up.  To keep striving for what we feel God wants from us. 
I have to admit.....I'm not sure what You're up to right now in our lives.  I was dragging my feet for a while.  Not really giving You any credit.  But, I know when You mean business.  David did quite a bit of complaining.....suggesting how You should handle things....even in the punishment arena.  Yes, I could come up with a few ideas there for You.....but, Lord, I realize I am willing to wait and watch and give You permission to change my attitude.  I need Your constant watch and care to help me with that.  I have no suggestions for anyone's punishment.  I guess....(I hope).....You would be gracious to me when I tend to be judgmental....and forgive me.
I am past.....well, for today anyway.....looking and discerning how others should live.  Now if You would.... Help me tomorrow!  
I ask for this.....and for Your will in my life to be done.  I ask for it all in the name of Jesus.  Amen. 

Dear One.....I'm really embarrassed.  It's been way too long since I've sat down and written anything.  We have talked.  I'm thankful You are still willing to listen to my murmurings and complaining about various issues....but, substance?  Real concerns?  Life and death issues?  I stick my head in the proverbial sand and hope all of it goes away before I look around again.  You know, Lord....You really sock it to me sometimes when You throw a wrench into my slightly sequestered life.  It takes me a while to re-engage and try to understand what is happening.  I am thankful that you decided to change a few things for us.  I love being able to listen to my husband preach again.  I am thankful for the gift of being able to sit down and play the piano again for a song service.  Rusty fingers and all.  So many of my thoughts, Lord, have been trying to understand the benefits and joys of retirement....or the lack thereof, and wondering where our place is and/or what you expect from those who have served and strived for many years.  Why is it, Lord, that the older I get.....the wisdom, I strive for, is so fleeting?  I think that "older, but wiser" is not necessarily working for me.  Most people wish to work things out for their own selves.....not listen to all of my wisdom.  I guess, to be really honest, Lord....I never really enjoyed listening to the advice others thought I needed either.  I guess that the scourge of "listening to the advice of others" never did its work on me.  I always felt like....."Don't you think I have already thought of that?......or something equally obtuse were in my mind.  I think, don't You, Lord?....like that would be pride, which is something I know You deem as sinful.  Even now, at my age, I find myself shrinking away from anything that purports itself as "advice".  You've got to help me see myself, Lord.  You've got to help me see that I need first of all, to see that, even though I want to be as smart as You are.....I am going to have to accept that I don't have all the answers.  That I have to rely on the wisdom of others....sometimes.  You, are different.  I don't mind listening to You.  I really don't.  I also know that there are times when You speak to my heart and mind through others.  Forgive me for my persistence in trying to oversee, overcome, overwhelm others with what I have learned.  I don't mean to  be like a bobble-head doll....nodding and agreeing with every one about every thing.....but to be cognizant of the many ways You use to get our attention.  I don't want to miss anything You have for me with my stubbornness and bullheaded notions that I already know it all.  I am Yours Lord.  I have claimed that for a long time.  I would ask to make me, at this time in my life, exactly what I need to be.....for You, for my husband, for my family, and for me.  I know then, that I can make You pleased.
I am in Your care.
Would You watch over me.  In my ways of dealing with folks.....give me a sweet spirit.......a sweet heart.....filled with Your presence.  And I ask all of this in the name of Jesus.....at Your pleasure, Lord.
Amen.

It takes me forever, Lord!  Sometimes I wish I could make myself sit down and start scribbling, like I used to.  It was barely legible, but I never worried because I knew that You knew exactly what I meant.  Father.....My Father......thank you for allowing me the privilege to talk to You, period.  Whatever form I choose.....I know You are listening to me.  I also know there are times that I do not think You hear me at all.....mainly because I do not get any feeling in my heart that You are listening.....hearing.....or even caring about my plight.  Too often, I have been fooled by the enemy when I begin to think this way.  He wants us to be blinded and leads us to feel so useless.  As long as I have trusted You to give me peace and strength.....I still tend to listen to the evil one and feel him pulling me down to his level.  He is the master of deceit.....and lies.  And.....he never seems to give up.  I suppose its because he is coming to the end of his reign and he is all about numbers.  Lord, help me not to fall into his grasp.  I tend to get depressed so easily.  I find that the disorder and chaos that shows up in our lives are only to show us that You are God.  If our lives flowed without any influence of the enemy, we would almost never have a reason to pray for direction and strength from You, dear One.  The song, "Through It All" said all of that and more.  One of the lines, "If I never had a problem.....I wouldn't know that YOU could solve it".....said loudly and clearly, that You are the ONE that can give us the desires of our hearts.....and divine direction in our lives.  I have counted on that for years.  How often, dear One, can we come and say......"Sorry, Lord!  I really screwed that up!  Please forgive my stubborn ways.....help me to want to be more like You.....and remember that You love us with a tenderness and hallowed hope that none of us deserve, yet You give so freely and easily to us."  Yes, even when I am determined to have my own way......You allow me to have what I want......then, of course, since it wasn't Your plan for me, I learn, sadly, that if I had followed You a little closer (and not have been sooo obstinate!).....I'd  have seen what You wanted me to avoid in the first place.  Why do we insist on having our way?  Why do we feel that "our" way is how we should live and of course, others......should follow our lead.  We aren't the same.  Even folks with like personalities, see things differently.  Our "truth" isn't like everyone else's "truth".  The ebb and flow of our lives works differently for everyone.  Lord......my prayer.....my goal.....my aim is to  be as loving and forgiving as You were and as You teach in Your word.  I need You every hour.  I'm Forever Grateful to You.  I find solace in Your word.....not just verses that "apply" to my situation.....but, the whole of it.  Your teaching comes from Your love to us.  IF I were treated as I should be.....My nose would be in the dirt.  I deserve that.  "NO ONE UNDERSTANDS LIKE JESUS.  HE'S A FRIEND BEYOND COMPARE. MEET HIM AT THE THRONE OF MERCY.....HE IS WAITING FOR YOU THERE."  Not one individual in this world can truly understand the longing of another's heart.  I find it is best to leave all the teaching to You, dear One.  Help me to remember to whom I should go to.....help me to remember, YOU are the master of the wind.....You forgive our selfish ways.....and somehow, dear One.....You love us anyway.  I accept it.  I can do nothing else.
In the name of Jesus, I pray.  Amen.

I'm so grateful, dear One....for being able to talk to You.  It has so much more meaning to me when I can write out the thoughts that are clamoring to get out of my heart.  I know that the heart and the head are two different entities.  Why does my heart and my head feel connected?  For me, most of the time, it seems to work.  I love the way You work.  I am grateful that you are aware of my need for You to nudge me when I am happy to be a slug.  I am grateful that You do give me a sense of unmet needs that require my attention.  I am grateful mostly, that You always meet that need for me.  "I need You every hour, Most gracious Lord....No tender voice like thine, can peace afford.  I need thee, Oh, I need thee;  Ev'ry hour I need thee!  Oh bless me now, my Savior; I come to thee!"  You are the light of my life.  I give my husband the next place with that light.  You don't always make me laugh, Lord. (He usually can with his antics!) I do find that when the dust has settled after a particularly hard place,  I can find a smile.  I believe it is the contentment that I find in knowing, in all things, You have control.  I like to know that You give me the mental ability to rekindle the joy of putting something together that requires skill.  In all things, since we retired, I've wondered what my place should be.  Where do I find my joy?  How involved should I be?  And, I guess, is that what gives me peace anyway?  I remember several years ago a song was written called "Broken and Spilled Out".  So often, Lord, I connected that song with the areas of my life where I felt I had been "used up for Thee".  I remember weeping to those very lines as they were sung.  It seems to me dear One, that I have been "used up for You" and still wait to be mopped up by someone.  Why is it?  Why, when I know others have gone through the fire......perhaps, still are.....that I moan about this?  I can easily say, I need a kick in the pants when others have suffered so much more.  The fact that I can write this text......still breathing on my own.....is a blessing.  I believe You are my God.  I believe You are the mighty One.  I believe You answer prayers in a way that will benefit all who believe in You.  The "whys" have not all been answered to my understanding.....perhaps they never will be.....but I do ask for the benefit of all who are involved......it is what is best, for me and for mine. 
"I need Thee every hour.....stay thou nearby.....Temptations lose their pow'r, when Thou art nigh.....
I need Thee every hour....in joy or in pain....Come quickly and abide...or life is vain.  I need Thee, Oh, I need Thee....Ev'ry hour I need Thee.....Oh bless me now, My Savior; I come to Thee."
In all things, I need Thee.....and ask all in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

Trying to find the right place for posting a prayer on my  blog gets me confused, Lord.   Lately its been close to impossible.  Of course I always think because it is so unlikely that You want me to do this, I defer very quickly to the tricks of the enemy......I don't.  I am so anxious to tell You that I love having a God to be my true friend.  The hope of the season.....the excitement of so much to put our hopes and dreams in.....the sadness of life that comes to us (and us accepting it) is all mixed up in what is our life.  I truly think, Lord.....that there are so many who suffer more.  I don't understand why.  It just seems that way.  I know there are phases of life, as it says in Ecclesiastes, that the bad and good in life is as the seasons are.  I remember so vividly as I read a book written by a woman who had suffered a horrific life of abuse as a child.  As a little girl the abuse was so profound and disgusting, I could barely look at the words that were written.  I was so upset with You, dear One.  I could not believe You would allow such a thing.  My answer came later from the same woman in another account.  God needs children that have gone through the fire.....to show others the level of healing and forgiveness He can give to us, as His children.....If we ask Him to.  I still don't understand the sadness so many endure.  Sometimes I don't understand the sadness I encounter. The acceptance of less than ideal situations, is vital to our spiritual growth.  I had a question posed to me awhile back.  It made me really think about my life.  How I feel about You, Lord.....and what it is in life that makes me happy.  Sure....it is wonderful to have a nice little happy family.  Everybody is loving Jesus, and ready to go to Heaven.  All are anxious to serve the Lord.  No one has a problem.  Every day our encounters are all God centered.  What is the catalyst to having a squeaky clean life?  I am grateful dear One, that I have loved You for a long time.  I don't talk to You as much as I should....I find the Word, while enlightening to me and disciplining to me.....very elusive, as I schedule a day.  It needs to be at the top of my list of "to do" chores.  "Chores" isn't a very good word, Lord.  But, some days, that is what it feels like.  Help me do better.  Jeepers, I prayed about this same thing when I was in my teens.  I wish it would get easier.  I am grateful, Lord.....that You allow us the humanity we seem to all live with.....I just really desire more and more to be like You.
Here I am.  In the senior years.  I have no job.  No one is waiting for me to do anything.  I don't have to study for Sunday School Class.  I don't have to practice my music for Praise Team.  I don't have to.  I don't have to do anything.  Do I miss all my past  responsibilities.  You know, Lord.....I've had a year to think about this.  I am at a peaceful place.  I have accepted this age in my life as graciously as I can.....I am loved by my family.  I am loved by You.  I am blessed.  I feel blessed.  Am I happy?  I am where You want me to be.  I am contented.  I am waiting for You.  I pray all in the name of Jesus.  Amen.