Oh my dear Lord……How do I believe?  How do I know You were there to take him?  How can You show me what I want to know?  He left this world last night in his sleep…..never to return. No one  was sitting outside his room waiting…..no one was told he would not be getting up to head  to    work…..no one knew he’d never awaken  to see another day.  

I do wonder , Lord, if any of us would behave any differently if we knew what was ahead of us. Would we re- think a conversation or  tell someone exactly what we thought?  Would we start our day with a prayer on our lips to God that He would prepare our hearts for the day ahead….and anyone we knew might meet a special word or attention from us…..that we could be God’s light to them.  Too often…..I find myself thinking that “It’s all about me!”  I know it’s not Lord, but I feel sorrowful that way too often it “sticks out”  more than it should.

My brother had a servant’s heart.  He was a gentle man.  He was so much like our father.  His features….his spirit…..his laughter….reminded me of my dad   There was nothing that touched his heart more than hearing God’s word being preached.  If you were near him, you would see tears rolling down his face.  He had a heart that   was tender and mindful of what You talking to him about, dear One. There were times when he was very aware we were watching something very private happening to him……and, for a man who kept things and thoughts closed off to anyone, I think he felt embarrassed.  Me?  I tell everyone about my flaws and shortcomings!  Not everyone is a mouth like me!

Lord, my heart is sad.  But, for my dear brother,    I feel You were there when his breathing began to slow.  Was he surprised?  Did he argue with You? I have a feeling that he didn’t. In my mind, I see You entreating him to come to You.  I hear him responding to You after You suggested that it was best He do it this way, by saying…..”I know”….in his slow, easy drawl. I don’t understand…..but, I don’t have to, Lord. 

 Tell me again, Lord.  how will You decide for us who are left? 

There are days when I wake up, Lord, that I wish I would have awakened  in “Glory”.  Those are especially hard days when I miss my love so much.  You, of course are so aware of that heartache…..but, you are quick to enlighten me with special scriptures and a phone call or two from especially appointed people. You bless me all the time. And, I thank You, dear One.

Help us, Lord.  All of us who mourn this special man.  Lowell Carl Candel.  He was, I believe, a man after Your own heart.

In the name of Jesus, I pray. Amen.

What would I say my title for this prayer would be, Lord? “Where Have I Been?”  Years ago…..a song entitled, “ I JUST CAME TO TALK TO YOU, LORD!”.  I remember what a great song title it was…..even the words resonated with thousands of people besides me. We all fail at times. Most of us never do enough.  And….as You have always pointed out to me through scriptures and preachers and teachers…..I know, dear One….it isn’t all about me.  What we want, what we think we need……what we like or don’t like…..where we want to go…..or don’t want to go…..on and on and on. 

I wonder if you get tired of all my requests.  Or my complaints.  I’m pretty sure we’ve discussed this before.  Either in jest or in a whining tone. As I’ve aged I do wonder where I land on the scale of one to ten of where my heart is …..in the wanting and needing of the things of life. 

Even in my loss of the love of my life…. I have seen how you have blessed me.  How You have given me so many things….things I’ve never asked for and You’ve provided.  You’ve known me and still…..You love me.  I  give You praise. And many “thank you’s “ from a grateful heart.

As I continue to serve You, my hope is letting others see Jesus in me.  Doing that, with Your helping me is my goal.  Can You show me, in my day to day, how to do exactly that interaction. What is my job? How do I use my speech?  How do I exemplify You, dear One, without being annoying to others? Or, should I not worry about that? Teach me, dear Lord…..to follow Your direction.

“I will serveThee, because I love Thee….You have given life to me. I was nothing before You found me…You have given life to me. Heartaches, broken pieces…..ruined lives are why You died on Calvary….Your love was what I’ve longed for….You have given life to me.”

Long ago…..You gave these words to encourage us to do Your work.  Thank You, Lord, for the confidence You have in (us)……me.

All I write…..is in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

 Thank You, dear One, for always keeping the door open.  I can come to You anytime.  You don’t ever turn us away. It seems like it’s always about me. Like, “when I want to pray”...or “if I want to pray”.

I am sorrowful that it is so little I want to.  The enemy of our souls knows it too. Why do I give him fodder to feed on against me?

“Open my eyes that I may see...Glimpses of truth Thou hast for me; Place in my hands the wonderful key....that shall unclasp and set me free.....

Silently  now, I wait for Thee....Ready, my God Thy will to see......Open my eyes, illumine me.....Spirit Divine.

Open my ears, that I may hear....voices of truth Thou sendest clear; and while the wave notes fall on my ear, everything false will disappear.  Open my mouth and let me bear .....tidings of mercy everywhere; Open my heart and let me prepare love with Thy children Thus to share......

Open my mind that I may read more of Thy love in word and deed; What shall I fear while yet Thou dost  lead? Only for light from Thee I plead. “

Lord, all I hear.....all that is so consuming, is troublesome.  We are bombarded with “everyone’s truth. “ When in all reality, Your truth is what we need to concentrate on.  Yes.... in reality.....what I need to concentrate on. Everyone wants to be “right”.  Me too!  Right about what?  Anything!  

Lord, help me to think about some things.  That I believe in You as my Savior.  That I have asked You to come into my heart....and to cleanse me from my sinful ways. To believe my sins are under, or covered by the blood that You shed on Calvary. And, finally that one day You will receive me into Your kingdom.

These things are all so unbelievable that there is a mass of humanity that thinks this is ridiculous and so far fetched that many, many folks are laughing their way into hell even as I write these words.  There may come a day when I may have to stand up and be counted for believing this....so be it.  Even though I may be killed for that belief, I maintain that my God will strengthen my resolve to speak the truth.  “Lord, make it so.....there are times I feel so weak.”

Give me Your strength dear Lord to carry on the task before me.  Thank You, dear One, that You trust me to serve You.  Help each of us, Lord.....help us know who to believe....and what to believe.  Help us not to be deceived by the evil one and his helpers.  Give us Your power of discernment.

I ask all these things in the name of Jesus.

Amen and amen!

“ Here I am to worship.....Here I am to bow down, Here am I to say that You’re my God......You’re altogether worthy, altogether lovely, altogether wonderful to me”.......but Lord, my best friend is gone.....It’s so hard without him.....I still don’t understand why!

What am I doing without him?  I’m not even sure.  I’m in a room filled with people, and still feel alone.  I have to tell You that it makes me very uncomfortable.  I miss so much about him!  I can’t even believe how much I miss.  Especially some of the funnier things.  Today marks a year that You took him to be with You. I do wonder why I had no warning.  I think You might have surprised him too.  He had me convinced he’d live forever. And now....everything has changed.  I don’t want to be a burden to my family....You do know that, I hope.  Please help me accept my life as it is now.  Help me to be the best version of myself without my love beside me. This being the first anniversary of his death shows me that somehow, midst all the paperwork and incessant reminders of his being gone.....I’ve managed to go on with my life.....without him.  I do thank you again that You chose him for me.  It was a long time after we were married, that I realized, it wasYou that did the choosing. 

The familyYou allowed us to create was our biggest contribution to the world.  We did our best.  They are in Your hands now.  The churches we pastored got the best we knew how to offer.  They certainly had the best in the preacherman they’d chosen.  You know, Lord.....often people have a strange reaction once the “Honeymoon”is over and they find out a real human being lives in the parsonage.  We tried hard to be faithful to each soul in our reach. It was the commitment we made to You when we knelt for our Ordination. I felt as if we were getting married again.  I remember it so well.  

I’m asking, dear One....that You walk with me each day.  It’s easier knowing You’re by my side....helping me think.....to make choices my husband would be proud of.  I continue to put my trust in You... “I love You, Lord......and I lift my voice.....to worshipYou, O my soul.....rejoice.....Take joy , my King....in what You hear....May it be a sweet, sweet sound... in Your ear”.

All of these words, placed carefully together....present the thoughts of my heart.  They are a prayer to You, Lord. And they are written in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

 Dear One.....Here I am, about as bowed as I can be and still write. I remember asking the physical therapist who worked with me after my second knee replacement....”Do you think I’ll ever be able to kneel again?”  He didn’t give me much hope that I’d be able to...with any comfort level I could live with. He did look at me wonderingly....hmmm.....I’m not sure it’s a word, but I think You know what I mean.  I’m not worried about it, Lord. I think that when  I am going to be in Your presence....I’ll more than likely be prostrate.  Oh, I forgot....by then, my knees will be new, won’t they?

Sorry, Lord, I didn’t mean to go on and on about my knees. I am back after a bit of a dry spell.  Sometimes my excuses for not “writing out loud” really are pathetic and more than likely worrisome to You. I won’t go on about them.

My thoughts turned to You this morning as I was watching an interview of daughter, Anne Lotz, with her mother, Ruth Graham.  I watched and listened carefully as she went through her life, decisions and writings as a girl to womanhood, marrying her life love and raising her children.  Asked if she worried about any waywardness of her children....she said she felt that the Holy Spirit would fill in any gaping holes that she couldn’t handle. She mentioned that “The Hound of Heaven” would find even the farthest one away. Lord.....I’ve heard the title, but other than that, I have no remembrance of ever reading it.  Of course, Lord, I went to “google” it and came up with numerous places to peruse it. Hah! Lord, actually I needed “  ‘The Hound of Heaven for Dummies!’ “   Father, I learned a long time ago that because I don’t understand everything that has been written, including specific words of  the scriptures....You will make known to me what is true, vital and most assuredly what I need to know in finding myself standing in front of You one day. For my heart to be true to You by accepting that I....(we), are in need of a Savior because we have been born into a sinful world.....we have a sinful nature....and are bound to it, unless we stand up and declare that “I am a sinner.”  I did that, Lord, long ago, but often have to remind myself, that the battle for me is over. I guess, Lord, it’s important to remind the enemy of our souls, that I AM A CHILD OF THE KING.  He never will leave us alone. We are fodder for his minions.  Lord, help us remember that verse from I John, 4:4  “Greater is HE that is in me, than he that is in the world.”Honestly Lord.....I do forget this sometimes when I’m in a battle....I’m so sorry. I want to always have this on my lips. Until You come for us, he will roam about as a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour.  He can do that! Roar, I mean.  If we aren’t paying attention, there’s so much noise around us usually, he can do that by interfering with our thoughts of God, with thoughts like, “Why not?”  Or ”Who really cares?  Or  “No one really knows?  Or  “Come on, it’s no big deal!”  

It is, Lord!  It is our eternity!  I’m waiting for You, Lord.....especially now that John is gone.  I’ll do my best to be the warrior for You that You need me to be!

In Your name, I write this prayer to You.  Amen.

I know, Lord.....it’s time!  It’s way past time.....I use every excuse in the book. It’s just so hard to sit down and think about how to grab someone’s attention with my words. Whaaat?  Seriously, Lord.  I do worry about that. Hmmm......I’ll bet you’re wondering what in the world I am doing writing these letters anyway. For who?  “For me?” You might be thinking......”why bother, Corrine Davis!  To impress me?”  Don’t worry, Lord!  I know that ship has sailed. At my age, impressing You isn’t on my list anymore. I don’t know how to....impress You, that is!  I spent way too much time trying to hope You’d be pleased. It was ultimately people I was trying to please. Sunday in church,  Doug chose the text from Romans where Paul is talking to the people.  I almost laughed out loud because he sounded like me explaining something.....and after explaining, I’m thinking.....”Could you repeat that so I can understand?”   It starts out with.....”I do not understand what I do....for what I want to do, I do not do....but what I hate I do! (Sort of paraphrased beginning of Rom.7:15) And onto and throughout to verse 24, makes me a little dizzy.  Reading on it says....”For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I don’t want to do”........makes me wonder if I will ever get it right. You know Lord....it’s getting so serious anymore. It has to be getting close to when you would come for us.  All of my concerns of “getting it right” are huge.  I don’t want there to be any mistake....I want to be in that number, “When the saints go marching in.”  I guess if Paul had his own issues about getting it right.....I will try to not let the enemy of our souls, trouble and confuse me. I know that his job is very important to him. His goal is to keep us in a quandary......To keep us anxious and worried about our salvation.....to the point where we just think....”Whats the use?”  That’s where he likes us to be......thinking we’ll be on the outside looking in....when our hope is to be on the inside, looking out on him falling into Hell. 

Lord......my desire is to live so You would be pleased.....to be like You, as much as is humanly possible. Things have changed so much for me. I never believed I’d be in this position. If there is more You need from me.....I choose to obey.

You know I love watching movies......and I do enjoy the stories of romance and intrigue.....but I am always disgusted when the end comes......and no questions are answered.  I want to know what happens in each of the storylines. As Paul Harvey always said...... “the rest of the story”.  The ends of some of the stories in the scriptures are not always what I’d love to read.  But they are the realities of how life was.....or could be. Not everyone loved God  .  Not everyone obeyed Him. Not everyone believed the Christ was born. The crucifiction was abhorred by many.  I think that thousands of Christ  followers could believe that this horrific event was even of God.  Born of a virgin. Died, after the humiliation of the insanity that was happening. But, the resurrection was too much to believe.  

You know, Lord.....as I talk about this, I wonder if it’s a distant memory for you......or is it like it was just yesterday. I believe that it is indeed a story I believe.  As your follower, I would tell You that my hope and determination is to walk into the gates of Heaven.....to be with You and Your Heavenly Father forever.

I speak in love and gratitude to the precious name of Jesus. Amen.

You know, dear One.....I am at a loss for words.  I seem to use them, quite often, but rarely do I feel understood.  I think I must be speaking a language no one can really hear.  Somehow, I forgot.  No one needs my advice.  Not really.  I really do forget that.  People just really want to be heard......and, it seems to me, really don't care if they are understood or not.  They just want to be heard.  I think I need to go back to my "before I reached forty years old" epiphany!  Maybe it was fifty....was it?  I realized that a good bit of my life had gone by....and I really hadn't expressed an opinion on much of anything.  I'd just sort of nodded when people were talking, and in doing that, I'd give them the freedom to speak their thoughts.  I rarely, if ever, expressed my displeasure or disagreed with their thoughts....thoughts that I encouraged by continuing to listen.  I thought it was the way to be appreciated....or liked....or trusted.
After that birthday, whichever one it was, I decided I would enter my opinion into the mix of conversation.  I mostly did it at home.  I remember thinking..."This is not really going well."  But, I stayed the course....and continued interacting.  You know, Lord....I have complained to You more than once that...."I have a right to my opinion!" and, You'd calm me down with a verse of scripture that would confirm my belief that I was okay speaking my truth, as long as You gave me no reason to think I was really off base.  In some ways, Lord....I sort of wish I'd just been quiet.  I think I'm closing the shop of my opinion.  Especially at 75 years old, the "filter"
 is disintegrating.  I can't seem to depend on it anymore.
To be Your servant, is what I'm supposed to be.  In thought.  In word.   And, in deed.  To run my mouth about anything.....besides recipes and child care....well, (I would say, that would be my wheelhouse) , but to interject on anything else, I should be mute. Unless and of course I am literally begged!!  (I'm grinning here, Lord....).
You know my heart.....and how I want to be pleasing in Your sight....well, I just  ask that I would not disappoint you.

Being with our family for the first time since John passed away was so hard for me.  Our summer vacation with the family, that is.  The trip was tenuous as far as every ones feelings being exposed.  "Dad" was remembered at suppertimes for his constant comments on "how good everything was".  It was literally a counting game when it came to him saying, "Isn't this good?", or "This is so good!" or "Don't you think this is good?".  It was sort of funny to everyone.  Of course the golf outing without him, was not quite the same.  Death affects you.  If you're human.  For me, nothing was the same.  All I could think was...."Lord, tell him how I miss him."  "And Lord, go find him and tell him I wish I had told him more how I loved him."  The list was long.  I thought of so much more I wish I'd said to him. 

Right now, I'm thankful I had him at all.  I'm so grateful for the marriage we had and the love we shared.  I know he has peace now.  I thank you, that I do too.

All I have spoken of and thank you for....I speak in the name and will of Jesus Christ of Nazareth.  Amen.  

PS.....Lord, I remember listening to what I would think was sage advice, when my Mother always said....."It's always better to have people think you're a fool.....than to open your mouth and remove all doubt!"  I found out later that it is a proverb.  Found in Proverbs 29:20 it says, "Do you see a man who speaks too soon?  There is more hope for a fool than for him."  Okay.....sort of!