Lord, I don’t even how to start.  I’ve needed to write for so long…..sooo long.  To tell You how I feel is almost impossible.  Maybe as I write ….the words will come and the feelings will too. 

“How can I say thanks for the things You have done”……are the first lines of a well known song written quite a few years ago. I believe Andre’ Crouch wrote it.  At the time it was written, I, along with the millions of other listeners felt it was the truth in their lives.  It is truth.  It has touched the hearts and lives of many…..and yet, here I am …..sitting in my living room, on my couch, writing You this letter to find out…..just how I am supposed to say “thank you” to You for what You’ve allowed to happen in my life.  

I believed John would get well, Lord.  I believed him when he told me he planned to live until You came back ….or until he got to be 100 years old like his Grannie Bell. I thought I’d be safe either way.  You know that we always sort of just laughed it off and went our way.  It’s soon going to be two years that You came to get him.  I know he was already at the gate waiting ……as we stood around his bed.  We watched every flicker on his face….his shallow breathing……the pulse beating on the side of his throat.  We talked softly.  We whispered at times.  We sang …..rather badly…..we held his hands….patted him….willing him to not leave us.  We also saw his countenance change.  We saw his face become almost luminescent….no lines …..his teeth looked like the color of white pearls.  The only thing that didn’t change was the lack of his beautiful white hair. As I think back at the day, it was like I was standing in a very sad place….watching the man who had begged me to be his wife……and the love of my life…..leave us all.  I think, that each of us, as we look back at the scene, knew he wasn’t there.  He may have very well been watching us from above.  It truly was such an empty feeling.  An emptiness that You Lord, and the Holy Spirit can ultimately fill.

I’m not sure how I am still breathing after all of it.  I’m not quite sure how I continue to do this without him.  I know, Lord…..it’s all You…..but……somehow….You’ve got to show me how to be……what?  I do not even know how to say it.  I have people say “So, how are you doing?  Or feeling?”  I live as happily as I can!  Without him! Isn’t that what the people want to hear?  I guess it is.  I am thankful, Lord, that I am safe.  I live in a wonderful place.  I live in beautiful section of daughter, Christy and her husband and family’s home.  I have a little bit of a job at their store. A special couple gifted me with a beautiful car to drive.  I’m able to get around and see folks…..go out to eat…..play the piano at church……what more?

Lord, I do feel that my inability….or stubbornness to be thankful in all things is preventing me from  a greater blessing.  Relief.  Is that it?

Haven’t I been accepting of what You’ve allowed in my life?  Or have I been considering this “acceptance” as a “reasonable sacrifice” on my part?

I truly think I need Your peace to fulfill my hearts cry. My willingness to say those words (that heretofore I have not been able to say)…..even though I don’t really want too, I believe is vital for me.  (Lord, You and You alone, know how I think…..I know, it’s scary…..but, You understand my thought process).  So….what I will do is compose my very own private message to You….telling You what I need to…..and, with You knowing I don’t really want to…….but need to…..because it is a command that we be thankful in all things. 

Lord…..I know that preachers and teachers all try to decipher what the word of God tells us.  That words like “for”….”in”….”all”……serve the very different ways we interpret scripture.

You also know my anxious heart and know that my love and devotion to You depends on my honesty with You.

I pray and believe that I will remain Your child and stay in Your “Good Graces”  (for lack of a better term)…..and serve You to the end of my days, faithfully.

In all of these words written, I pray in the name of Jesus.

Amen amen.

 Dear One…..Once again….I come, I come.  Why do those words remind me…..?  Of course I know.

The old familiar hymn that has shaken some to their  core in facing the reality of their own soul in jeopardy …..and others……out of that face to face inevitability of another encounter with that song….”Just As I Am” .  “Just as I am, without one plea…..but that Thy blood was shed for me …..and that Thou bid’st me come to me…..O Lamb of God, I come….I come.   

I did, Lord.  I couldn’t stand the prospect of living without You.  I do realize that some call it weakness.  Or using a crutch, to get through life.  I call it the right thing to do.  Life is not easy.  It can pull you from stem to stern (whatever that means).  It sure does seem to fit the scenarios of our lives, at times, though!  I just realized if I woke up in Heaven  on Christmas Day after I go to sleep Christmas Eve night, I would know the fight to live for You would be over.  It is, You know, Lord.  A real “knock down and drag out”!  If we are not on guard, with our armor on…. The enemy is quick to step in and take over the job of leading us into his traps that have already been set for us. It is like a mine field.  He is good at his job.  He wants us to yield to his temptations and snares that surely  will set us on the path ….forget path.   It’s more like a newly tarred and white lined one, created for our driving pleasure…..into complete destruction for us……for me.

Lord, I am blessed. I have a precious family that has loved me…..sustained me. I have all I need.  I’ve been given a wonderful place to live.  I have been given a beautiful car to drive.  I even have a job……..I started to say “but”.  In the scheme of things, there’s always a but….but, I am trying hard not to say it!  I find Lord, Lord, that even though I am blessed with all of this…there is a loss that only You can fill.  I can be in a room full of loved ones….friends and /or family……and that empty place seems so deep….so encompassing.

I thank You ever so much. I was given a gem of the rarest kind.  You overwhelmed me at a pretty young age.  I give You the praise for allowing me the joy of  having fifty -five years with this special preacherman.  He was, I truly believe…..Your gift to me.

Some have never known this kind of blessing…..  I will forever give You the praise.  

Often, I miss a blessing because I do get caught up in moaning about my plight.  I pray….sincerely, that You would fill all of the empty places…the nooks and crannies of my being,,,,into places You would fill with Your divine-ness….Your Holy Spirit.

I yearn for a new level of a deep knowing of Your will and way for me. An understanding of You and the peace of my ♥️ heart.  “ I love You, Lord….and I lift my voice……to worship You….O my soul…..rejoice!  Take joy. My King, in what You hear….may it be a sweet ……sweet sound …..in Your ear.”

All of these words, Lord…..each one placed together to form the deep sounds of my heart…..they are written in and through the blood of Jesus.  I’m so thankful You were born to take away the sins of the world…..including mine.  I’m thankful for the cross.

Merry Christmas, Jesus.  Amen and amen.

Lord in Heaven….I’m sorry it takes me so long to write.  It is honestly the only way I can put my thoughts into perspective. And, until I do, write, that is….it’s truly the only way I can have peace. The days past have been so filled with surprise event's (not happy ones), and frequent unpleasantness…..that I haven’t been sure whether to laugh or cry.  I guess I can’t blame everything on”the enemy” (I think he deserves it)…..I guess it truly is…. just life.  Some handle it well….and there are those that cannot function at all.  Because I have You, and a good doctor….I am satisfied that I have done my service for You well. 

When I got the call from her, I didn’t know what to do. She wanted me to come.  And, honestly Lord, I just didn’t want to.  I knew I would be at her beck and call on a consistent basis for as long as I was there. My relationship with my sister-in-law has always been a bit on the tenuous side. I was always afraid I’d say the wrong thing, the wrong way. There was a strong love and devotion….yet tempered with hopeful approval.  I’m not sure I am saying it right, Father……but, I think You are well aware of what I mean. Of course, You know  I did go to be with her….You made it clear.  If I had only known the last time would be the last time….would I have been more  of what she needed me to be?  I hope I did serve her well….as You would be pleased as if You had done it yourself.  I was so shocked when I was told she was not going to survive this last hospital stay.  Lord…..I thought that it doesn’t say much for my “caregiving” skills.

How can I thank You, dear One.  You placed me where You wanted me. That was what You wanted. There have been times when I wasn’t sure what You were doing. I remember a verse of scripture You gave me  years ago when I was desperate for answers…. Answers that You gave me.  From Isaiah 41,  ”You are my servant…..I have chosen you….I have not rejected you….”.  It was clear.

The years we had together were precious to me. This woman inspired me…taught me…complimented me, right from the beginning of our relationship.  She gave me tons of her treasures.  I was always grateful because her stuff was always nicer than my stuff.  She would laugh and just give me more!  (So she could go buy more.) 

Thank You Lord, for my years with her.  Thank You, dear One, for giving us people that will help us grow in You. Thank you for loving me, tempering and changing me into the image of myself You need the world to see.  I am grateful.

I pray these thoughts and reflections in the name of Jesus. Amen.

 “How Can I Say Thanks for the Things You Have Done for Me…..”.  Dear Lord, I cannot even express with mere words what You have given me. WhyYou chose to give me such peace in the midst of that awful storm…..I will for evermore be grateful.  And, I will never forget it.  I’ve re-read the prayer I sent to You after I found out Lowell died…..it was truth…..every word…..as I saw it.  And, felt it. My heart was burdened…..my twin brother’s felt the very same way I did. We were so sorrow filled.  When I wrote in the very early morning hours about my brother not waking up….I hoped and prayed he had talked to You.  You know how we are, Lord….we think we have to know things….things that people like to keep to themselves.  I’m just so filled with joy that You allowed us a look into heavenly places.

I guess at first I wondered if I could believe what I was actually told.  And then Lord….I thought, why would I ever doubt such a wonderful event?  Because it didn’t happen to me?

I stand amazed in Your presence, Lord.  I stand amazed at how You work through Your visionaries.  That is what I will call her.  Her sister, Susan, first called me the morning after I found out Lowell died in his sleep.  She’s telling me about this encounter Kathy had called her about.  Not that I didn’t believe it…..I just wanted to hear it from Kathy’s own mouth. Nothing could prepare me for what I heard, Lord.  I realize I don’t have to tell You this…..but, for those peeking over my shoulder as I write….I  need to write it “out loud”.  As a matter of fact, as I physically just visited with Kathy at her home…she took me outside in her yard, where You had spoken to her.  She showed me how she just stood in her yard right near the back porch. And…..it was there that she spoke aloud…..saying something like…..”This is awful, Lord!  This is just awful.”  Expressing that I was just getting back on my feet after John dying…..”and here’s something else to grieve over!”  In the middle of this “talk” she was having with You…..You stopped her…..by quickly interjecting Your own thoughts.    

“Stop it, Kathy!   He’s. With. Me!”   

It is such a miraculous event that I wish everybody could read about this encounter she experienced with You.  As I looked around her yard, Lord…..I just marveled at what she and I had experienced.  

You have allowed me to experience a piece of the PEACE that passes all understanding……from the Throne of God.

Thank You, dear One, for loving us as You do.  As we go about our lives, doing our day to day duties……trying to live up to the expectations everyone might have of us…..or even up to the expectations we have of our own selves…..help us to be concerned with the expectations of what we feel You have for us.  And then, help us to be true to that cause.

We are Your instruments.  Help us keep them in tune, shined and ready to use at a moments notice. When I think that I could be an emissary for You to someone who needs to hear from You…..as Kathy was for me……I want to be ready.  Oh, my!  I can’t think of anything more wonderful. 

Thank You, dear One!  I am humbled, and blessed to be Your child.

I pray in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

Post note……The young women I have written about are the daughters of my husband’s brother.

Oh my dear Lord……How do I believe?  How do I know You were there to take him?  How can You show me what I want to know?  He left this world last night in his sleep…..never to return. No one  was sitting outside his room waiting…..no one was told he would not be getting up to head  to    work…..no one knew he’d never awaken  to see another day.  

I do wonder , Lord, if any of us would behave any differently if we knew what was ahead of us. Would we re- think a conversation or  tell someone exactly what we thought?  Would we start our day with a prayer on our lips to God that He would prepare our hearts for the day ahead….and anyone we knew might meet a special word or attention from us…..that we could be God’s light to them.  Too often…..I find myself thinking that “It’s all about me!”  I know it’s not Lord, but I feel sorrowful that way too often it “sticks out”  more than it should.

My brother had a servant’s heart.  He was a gentle man.  He was so much like our father.  His features….his spirit…..his laughter….reminded me of my dad   There was nothing that touched his heart more than hearing God’s word being preached.  If you were near him, you would see tears rolling down his face.  He had a heart that   was tender and mindful of what You talking to him about, dear One. There were times when he was very aware we were watching something very private happening to him……and, for a man who kept things and thoughts closed off to anyone, I think he felt embarrassed.  Me?  I tell everyone about my flaws and shortcomings!  Not everyone is a mouth like me!

Lord, my heart is sad.  But, for my dear brother,    I feel You were there when his breathing began to slow.  Was he surprised?  Did he argue with You? I have a feeling that he didn’t. In my mind, I see You entreating him to come to You.  I hear him responding to You after You suggested that it was best He do it this way, by saying…..”I know”….in his slow, easy drawl. I don’t understand…..but, I don’t have to, Lord. 

 Tell me again, Lord.  how will You decide for us who are left? 

There are days when I wake up, Lord, that I wish I would have awakened  in “Glory”.  Those are especially hard days when I miss my love so much.  You, of course are so aware of that heartache…..but, you are quick to enlighten me with special scriptures and a phone call or two from especially appointed people. You bless me all the time. And, I thank You, dear One.

Help us, Lord.  All of us who mourn this special man.  Lowell Carl Candel.  He was, I believe, a man after Your own heart.

In the name of Jesus, I pray. Amen.

What would I say my title for this prayer would be, Lord? “Where Have I Been?”  Years ago…..a song entitled, “ I JUST CAME TO TALK TO YOU, LORD!”.  I remember what a great song title it was…..even the words resonated with thousands of people besides me. We all fail at times. Most of us never do enough.  And….as You have always pointed out to me through scriptures and preachers and teachers…..I know, dear One….it isn’t all about me.  What we want, what we think we need……what we like or don’t like…..where we want to go…..or don’t want to go…..on and on and on. 

I wonder if you get tired of all my requests.  Or my complaints.  I’m pretty sure we’ve discussed this before.  Either in jest or in a whining tone. As I’ve aged I do wonder where I land on the scale of one to ten of where my heart is …..in the wanting and needing of the things of life. 

Even in my loss of the love of my life…. I have seen how you have blessed me.  How You have given me so many things….things I’ve never asked for and You’ve provided.  You’ve known me and still…..You love me.  I  give You praise. And many “thank you’s “ from a grateful heart.

As I continue to serve You, my hope is letting others see Jesus in me.  Doing that, with Your helping me is my goal.  Can You show me, in my day to day, how to do exactly that interaction. What is my job? How do I use my speech?  How do I exemplify You, dear One, without being annoying to others? Or, should I not worry about that? Teach me, dear Lord…..to follow Your direction.

“I will serveThee, because I love Thee….You have given life to me. I was nothing before You found me…You have given life to me. Heartaches, broken pieces…..ruined lives are why You died on Calvary….Your love was what I’ve longed for….You have given life to me.”

Long ago…..You gave these words to encourage us to do Your work.  Thank You, Lord, for the confidence You have in (us)……me.

All I write…..is in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

 Thank You, dear One, for always keeping the door open.  I can come to You anytime.  You don’t ever turn us away. It seems like it’s always about me. Like, “when I want to pray”...or “if I want to pray”.

I am sorrowful that it is so little I want to.  The enemy of our souls knows it too. Why do I give him fodder to feed on against me?

“Open my eyes that I may see...Glimpses of truth Thou hast for me; Place in my hands the wonderful key....that shall unclasp and set me free.....

Silently  now, I wait for Thee....Ready, my God Thy will to see......Open my eyes, illumine me.....Spirit Divine.

Open my ears, that I may hear....voices of truth Thou sendest clear; and while the wave notes fall on my ear, everything false will disappear.  Open my mouth and let me bear .....tidings of mercy everywhere; Open my heart and let me prepare love with Thy children Thus to share......

Open my mind that I may read more of Thy love in word and deed; What shall I fear while yet Thou dost  lead? Only for light from Thee I plead. “

Lord, all I hear.....all that is so consuming, is troublesome.  We are bombarded with “everyone’s truth. “ When in all reality, Your truth is what we need to concentrate on.  Yes.... in reality.....what I need to concentrate on. Everyone wants to be “right”.  Me too!  Right about what?  Anything!  

Lord, help me to think about some things.  That I believe in You as my Savior.  That I have asked You to come into my heart....and to cleanse me from my sinful ways. To believe my sins are under, or covered by the blood that You shed on Calvary. And, finally that one day You will receive me into Your kingdom.

These things are all so unbelievable that there is a mass of humanity that thinks this is ridiculous and so far fetched that many, many folks are laughing their way into hell even as I write these words.  There may come a day when I may have to stand up and be counted for believing this....so be it.  Even though I may be killed for that belief, I maintain that my God will strengthen my resolve to speak the truth.  “Lord, make it so.....there are times I feel so weak.”

Give me Your strength dear Lord to carry on the task before me.  Thank You, dear One, that You trust me to serve You.  Help each of us, Lord.....help us know who to believe....and what to believe.  Help us not to be deceived by the evil one and his helpers.  Give us Your power of discernment.

I ask all these things in the name of Jesus.

Amen and amen!