While I am constantly trying to decide whether to keep this up or not, Lord.....I wait.  Waiting for what.....is something I'm never sure of.  I love talking to You.  I like writing my thoughts and hopes to You.  I've wondered quite often if this is offensive to You.  I really wish I knew.  I am happy when readers say things like....."I love how you say things I am thinking....but, am hesitant to for fear of being disrespectful."  I'm not crazy about the comments that make me sound like a little kid whining to get their own way!  Whatever the case may be.....Lord, I am thankful I have this blog to do what I feel I have to.  Writing in long hand.....has always been my way.  The pain from my wrists make it so hard.  Typing on this computer really eases my pain and lessens my anxiety.  Moving to my need to tell You how I feel.....I suppose is pointless.  You already know this.  But, I am so relieved after I have finished a prayer, I know I am doing what I need to.  You understand my heart.  My "English" is clear as crystal to You.  You understand my heart thoughts.  I know Lord.....I have often thought....."Well, maybe if I use different words.....or explain it differently to You.....then, maybe, You'll give me the answer I am praying for."  I am just as anxious though, to end my pleas to You by committing my words and desires over to Your will.  See, Lord......I realize that my life is not worth a dime if my will is not coinciding  with Your will for me.  I love telling You what I want.....and how I think things should go.....doesn't everyone?  I have to quickly say in addition to that statement is.....I have learned to try my best to accept how You see things.  Granted, there are times that I do not want to do what You are suggesting....I also know that IF I do not accept what You have placed in my life....I will not EVER have one minute of peace.  That is what fuels us to keep moving on.  To not give up.  To keep striving for what we feel God wants from us. 
I have to admit.....I'm not sure what You're up to right now in our lives.  I was dragging my feet for a while.  Not really giving You any credit.  But, I know when You mean business.  David did quite a bit of complaining.....suggesting how You should handle things....even in the punishment arena.  Yes, I could come up with a few ideas there for You.....but, Lord, I realize I am willing to wait and watch and give You permission to change my attitude.  I need Your constant watch and care to help me with that.  I have no suggestions for anyone's punishment.  I guess....(I hope).....You would be gracious to me when I tend to be judgmental....and forgive me.
I am past.....well, for today anyway.....looking and discerning how others should live.  Now if You would.... Help me tomorrow!  
I ask for this.....and for Your will in my life to be done.  I ask for it all in the name of Jesus.  Amen. 

Dear One.....I'm really embarrassed.  It's been way too long since I've sat down and written anything.  We have talked.  I'm thankful You are still willing to listen to my murmurings and complaining about various issues....but, substance?  Real concerns?  Life and death issues?  I stick my head in the proverbial sand and hope all of it goes away before I look around again.  You know, Lord....You really sock it to me sometimes when You throw a wrench into my slightly sequestered life.  It takes me a while to re-engage and try to understand what is happening.  I am thankful that you decided to change a few things for us.  I love being able to listen to my husband preach again.  I am thankful for the gift of being able to sit down and play the piano again for a song service.  Rusty fingers and all.  So many of my thoughts, Lord, have been trying to understand the benefits and joys of retirement....or the lack thereof, and wondering where our place is and/or what you expect from those who have served and strived for many years.  Why is it, Lord, that the older I get.....the wisdom, I strive for, is so fleeting?  I think that "older, but wiser" is not necessarily working for me.  Most people wish to work things out for their own selves.....not listen to all of my wisdom.  I guess, to be really honest, Lord....I never really enjoyed listening to the advice others thought I needed either.  I guess that the scourge of "listening to the advice of others" never did its work on me.  I always felt like....."Don't you think I have already thought of that?......or something equally obtuse were in my mind.  I think, don't You, Lord?....like that would be pride, which is something I know You deem as sinful.  Even now, at my age, I find myself shrinking away from anything that purports itself as "advice".  You've got to help me see myself, Lord.  You've got to help me see that I need first of all, to see that, even though I want to be as smart as You are.....I am going to have to accept that I don't have all the answers.  That I have to rely on the wisdom of others....sometimes.  You, are different.  I don't mind listening to You.  I really don't.  I also know that there are times when You speak to my heart and mind through others.  Forgive me for my persistence in trying to oversee, overcome, overwhelm others with what I have learned.  I don't mean to  be like a bobble-head doll....nodding and agreeing with every one about every thing.....but to be cognizant of the many ways You use to get our attention.  I don't want to miss anything You have for me with my stubbornness and bullheaded notions that I already know it all.  I am Yours Lord.  I have claimed that for a long time.  I would ask to make me, at this time in my life, exactly what I need to be.....for You, for my husband, for my family, and for me.  I know then, that I can make You pleased.
I am in Your care.
Would You watch over me.  In my ways of dealing with folks.....give me a sweet spirit.......a sweet heart.....filled with Your presence.  And I ask all of this in the name of Jesus.....at Your pleasure, Lord.
Amen.

It takes me forever, Lord!  Sometimes I wish I could make myself sit down and start scribbling, like I used to.  It was barely legible, but I never worried because I knew that You knew exactly what I meant.  Father.....My Father......thank you for allowing me the privilege to talk to You, period.  Whatever form I choose.....I know You are listening to me.  I also know there are times that I do not think You hear me at all.....mainly because I do not get any feeling in my heart that You are listening.....hearing.....or even caring about my plight.  Too often, I have been fooled by the enemy when I begin to think this way.  He wants us to be blinded and leads us to feel so useless.  As long as I have trusted You to give me peace and strength.....I still tend to listen to the evil one and feel him pulling me down to his level.  He is the master of deceit.....and lies.  And.....he never seems to give up.  I suppose its because he is coming to the end of his reign and he is all about numbers.  Lord, help me not to fall into his grasp.  I tend to get depressed so easily.  I find that the disorder and chaos that shows up in our lives are only to show us that You are God.  If our lives flowed without any influence of the enemy, we would almost never have a reason to pray for direction and strength from You, dear One.  The song, "Through It All" said all of that and more.  One of the lines, "If I never had a problem.....I wouldn't know that YOU could solve it".....said loudly and clearly, that You are the ONE that can give us the desires of our hearts.....and divine direction in our lives.  I have counted on that for years.  How often, dear One, can we come and say......"Sorry, Lord!  I really screwed that up!  Please forgive my stubborn ways.....help me to want to be more like You.....and remember that You love us with a tenderness and hallowed hope that none of us deserve, yet You give so freely and easily to us."  Yes, even when I am determined to have my own way......You allow me to have what I want......then, of course, since it wasn't Your plan for me, I learn, sadly, that if I had followed You a little closer (and not have been sooo obstinate!).....I'd  have seen what You wanted me to avoid in the first place.  Why do we insist on having our way?  Why do we feel that "our" way is how we should live and of course, others......should follow our lead.  We aren't the same.  Even folks with like personalities, see things differently.  Our "truth" isn't like everyone else's "truth".  The ebb and flow of our lives works differently for everyone.  Lord......my prayer.....my goal.....my aim is to  be as loving and forgiving as You were and as You teach in Your word.  I need You every hour.  I'm Forever Grateful to You.  I find solace in Your word.....not just verses that "apply" to my situation.....but, the whole of it.  Your teaching comes from Your love to us.  IF I were treated as I should be.....My nose would be in the dirt.  I deserve that.  "NO ONE UNDERSTANDS LIKE JESUS.  HE'S A FRIEND BEYOND COMPARE. MEET HIM AT THE THRONE OF MERCY.....HE IS WAITING FOR YOU THERE."  Not one individual in this world can truly understand the longing of another's heart.  I find it is best to leave all the teaching to You, dear One.  Help me to remember to whom I should go to.....help me to remember, YOU are the master of the wind.....You forgive our selfish ways.....and somehow, dear One.....You love us anyway.  I accept it.  I can do nothing else.
In the name of Jesus, I pray.  Amen.

I'm so grateful, dear One....for being able to talk to You.  It has so much more meaning to me when I can write out the thoughts that are clamoring to get out of my heart.  I know that the heart and the head are two different entities.  Why does my heart and my head feel connected?  For me, most of the time, it seems to work.  I love the way You work.  I am grateful that you are aware of my need for You to nudge me when I am happy to be a slug.  I am grateful that You do give me a sense of unmet needs that require my attention.  I am grateful mostly, that You always meet that need for me.  "I need You every hour, Most gracious Lord....No tender voice like thine, can peace afford.  I need thee, Oh, I need thee;  Ev'ry hour I need thee!  Oh bless me now, my Savior; I come to thee!"  You are the light of my life.  I give my husband the next place with that light.  You don't always make me laugh, Lord. (He usually can with his antics!) I do find that when the dust has settled after a particularly hard place,  I can find a smile.  I believe it is the contentment that I find in knowing, in all things, You have control.  I like to know that You give me the mental ability to rekindle the joy of putting something together that requires skill.  In all things, since we retired, I've wondered what my place should be.  Where do I find my joy?  How involved should I be?  And, I guess, is that what gives me peace anyway?  I remember several years ago a song was written called "Broken and Spilled Out".  So often, Lord, I connected that song with the areas of my life where I felt I had been "used up for Thee".  I remember weeping to those very lines as they were sung.  It seems to me dear One, that I have been "used up for You" and still wait to be mopped up by someone.  Why is it?  Why, when I know others have gone through the fire......perhaps, still are.....that I moan about this?  I can easily say, I need a kick in the pants when others have suffered so much more.  The fact that I can write this text......still breathing on my own.....is a blessing.  I believe You are my God.  I believe You are the mighty One.  I believe You answer prayers in a way that will benefit all who believe in You.  The "whys" have not all been answered to my understanding.....perhaps they never will be.....but I do ask for the benefit of all who are involved......it is what is best, for me and for mine. 
"I need Thee every hour.....stay thou nearby.....Temptations lose their pow'r, when Thou art nigh.....
I need Thee every hour....in joy or in pain....Come quickly and abide...or life is vain.  I need Thee, Oh, I need Thee....Ev'ry hour I need Thee.....Oh bless me now, My Savior; I come to Thee."
In all things, I need Thee.....and ask all in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

Trying to find the right place for posting a prayer on my  blog gets me confused, Lord.   Lately its been close to impossible.  Of course I always think because it is so unlikely that You want me to do this, I defer very quickly to the tricks of the enemy......I don't.  I am so anxious to tell You that I love having a God to be my true friend.  The hope of the season.....the excitement of so much to put our hopes and dreams in.....the sadness of life that comes to us (and us accepting it) is all mixed up in what is our life.  I truly think, Lord.....that there are so many who suffer more.  I don't understand why.  It just seems that way.  I know there are phases of life, as it says in Ecclesiastes, that the bad and good in life is as the seasons are.  I remember so vividly as I read a book written by a woman who had suffered a horrific life of abuse as a child.  As a little girl the abuse was so profound and disgusting, I could barely look at the words that were written.  I was so upset with You, dear One.  I could not believe You would allow such a thing.  My answer came later from the same woman in another account.  God needs children that have gone through the fire.....to show others the level of healing and forgiveness He can give to us, as His children.....If we ask Him to.  I still don't understand the sadness so many endure.  Sometimes I don't understand the sadness I encounter. The acceptance of less than ideal situations, is vital to our spiritual growth.  I had a question posed to me awhile back.  It made me really think about my life.  How I feel about You, Lord.....and what it is in life that makes me happy.  Sure....it is wonderful to have a nice little happy family.  Everybody is loving Jesus, and ready to go to Heaven.  All are anxious to serve the Lord.  No one has a problem.  Every day our encounters are all God centered.  What is the catalyst to having a squeaky clean life?  I am grateful dear One, that I have loved You for a long time.  I don't talk to You as much as I should....I find the Word, while enlightening to me and disciplining to me.....very elusive, as I schedule a day.  It needs to be at the top of my list of "to do" chores.  "Chores" isn't a very good word, Lord.  But, some days, that is what it feels like.  Help me do better.  Jeepers, I prayed about this same thing when I was in my teens.  I wish it would get easier.  I am grateful, Lord.....that You allow us the humanity we seem to all live with.....I just really desire more and more to be like You.
Here I am.  In the senior years.  I have no job.  No one is waiting for me to do anything.  I don't have to study for Sunday School Class.  I don't have to practice my music for Praise Team.  I don't have to.  I don't have to do anything.  Do I miss all my past  responsibilities.  You know, Lord.....I've had a year to think about this.  I am at a peaceful place.  I have accepted this age in my life as graciously as I can.....I am loved by my family.  I am loved by You.  I am blessed.  I feel blessed.  Am I happy?  I am where You want me to be.  I am contented.  I am waiting for You.  I pray all in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

"My Jesus.....I love thee.  I know Thou art mine.  For thee, all the follies of sin, I resign. My gracious Redeemer....My Savior art Thou.  If ever I loved Thee.....My Jesus 'tis now."  

Getting back to the basics, Lord......that's my goal.  We read.  We study.  We plan.  We write.  We talk.  All to show to You (?)......ourselves (?).......others (?) how wise in the word we are.   Your plan is to us, Your children. I remember, feeling so sure about telling a class about something I was sure was very significant.  So, I proceeded to tell that particular verse of scripture and the illustration that You had given me.  Everyone was kind in their receiving it....but there just was no "AHA!" moment on anyone's face like I had.   I knew then.....not all our "views" are for the masses.  I know there is nothing wrong with studying the word.  There is nothing wrong with sharing the Word.  I think You want us to search the scriptures.  I think for me, the confusing part is listening or reading a rendition of someones understanding to a particular subject....and just NOT getting it.  For years, I really felt that I was just too immature in my understanding of the scripture.....which in a way, stifled me into no studying at all.  Now that.....in my reasoning.....is the way of the enemy.  I will not be stifled by his tactics.  I cannot be.  If he can do that, he will have done his job.  To discourage and deceive me.  That is his plan.  I cannot allow that.  I haven't fought back very hard this year.  I have sort of stayed back in the pack......resting?  Not sure.  I just know it's not too good.  Time lost with God is a crucial loss in my life.  Yes.  I do need rest.  Yes.  I have to take time for me.  It's possible though, I believe, to rest and have a nice quiet time with my friend and Savior.  You know, Lord.....I have learned that You are always there for me.  Quietly waiting 'til I get it together.  Thank You for the scriptures this week  that seemed to speak to me.  Just about every verse I read....I felt love from You.

I find, Lord, that when I expect You to answer my prayers, my way........and  uh........You don't.......I tend to waver a bit.  It makes me a little shaky.  It unnerves me.  Sometimes, I get a little ticked off.  And, sometimes.....I just sit there and wonder....."Okay, Lord.....what do I do now?"  I place my heart thoughts and my heart cries into Your care.  You will do what is best for me.  And, I have to believe You will show us how to think like You do.  

Give me Your peace, Lord.  Give me Your wisdom.  I pray all of these things in the name and will of Jesus.  Amen.

Lord.....I think You know me well enough that You are aware I am once again in a quandary.  I make myself so tired.  Knowing You are my loving Savior and Lord.....and how You want to accommodate each of Your children......I hate to constantly ask the same questions.  There are times when I feel that You are sick and tired of my same old songs.  I have various and sundry verses of this song floating in the recesses of my mind.  I do think that the enemy loves to confuse me into thinking that You are "sick and tired" of me.  When I become convinced of that, I fear letting You know my heart........thereby allowing my esteem in the trash.  
I have included You in the thoughts and anxious moments of my life.  I have allowed You to push me to what I have believed to be extremes of any areas of my heart that are beyond my attempt to repair. 

 I have watched You take the pieces I've often handed to You of a broken situation I am responsible for and return to me far and above what I've ever believed could be created.  Almost to the point where I have deluded myself into thinking I've done something great.  I know and believe it is always You, dear One.  Always. 

Remember Lord?  Way back when I started talking to You in the form of letters?  I was so embarrassed someone would see what I had written, I threw all of my writings into the trash can.  You know the secrets of my heart.  You know how I tick.  Since I began to talk to You in this manner, I felt that since You knew me so well.....we had a certain connection.  I know though, dear One, this is how You relate to all Your children who love You.  I have forever asked You to watch over our family.  I have believed that You would always  allow what was best for us to grow into the people for You that would best be Your example in the world we live in.  I am convinced.  I'm not particularly fond of all the fodder that is created in my mind......while You are creating Your plan, though.   I have a tendency to analyze the daylights out a situation....put my own spin on it......and then worry to death about the outcome.  The end never turns out as I believe it will.....You always take the pieces of the broken creation.....and make it fit Your own plan.  

I wish I weren't so quick to jump to the wrong conclusion.  I wish I could believe You ALWAYS know what You are doing.  I wish I could be more like You.  I will, however, learn to be content to be human and hope that the front porch of my home in heaven will be a favorite place for You to come and visit.  I believe in You, Lord.  I will live for You, Lord.  I will be Your servant, in life and in death.  

I pray in the name of Jesus.  Amen.