The Decision to Say "I Do"! (I Will Follow Your Plan......)

Every time I check into this blogsite, I am prompted to put down a "Title".  And,  every time I do.....it stretches into a montage of other avenues to go down.  Lord...my thoughts are scrambled.  I have my list. I stick to it pretty religiously.....and I am actually crossing things off.....so that is progress for me.
But, I am wandering around in my mind's eye.....taking something to one room (in my mind) and ending up in another.  And, so it goes.  I'll be anxious to get on the road and heading to my son's home.....and enjoying with him his last few days as a single guy.  We've all prayed for this.  We've hoped.  Even did some fasting.  Now it is becoming a reality.  Thank You Father for watching over this one we love.  This child of ours.  Remembering how excited we were to have a son......but , never expecting one....my baby son came home to a room of pink and white checks  and a "Holly Hobby" motif.  I planned on putting our new little one in with "her" little sister.  Things quickly changed didn't they, Lord.......we went from pink to orange  football helmets and brown baseball bats.  We felt so filled with Your bounty of blessings in giving us 4 healthy little girls and at last, a son.  And, that is what it has been.  Blessing after blessing after blessing.  The encounters with life throughout the journey our son has been on have taught us that YOU,  Lord........run the show......and without any doubt we embrace it.  I have often thought I had things pretty well figured out......and at last said a prayer of commitment.......and then found that I was "committing MY plan to You".  That, is not what You had in mind when You took us into Your  own heart and promised to show us the way we should go.  I know, Lord.....You always have had Your hands full when it comes to directing my life.
As compliant as I am at times.......I find that I am stubborn as all get out when I think I am right.  Almost righteously so.  Thankfully Lord.....You save me from my determination to "get it right" and show me that You, dear One, knows what truly is best for us.......and for those we love.  I recently spoke to my class about how Mothers who think they have their children's best interest at heart, can do such irreparable damage that can sometimes never be undone.  I have seen it happen.  I ache at the result of the sadness that has ensued because of blind determination to have things their own way.  Lord, I have prayed for wisdom in the past because of worriment over doing this exact thing.  I believe You led me in the way I should go. A  lot of the cause of worry was the over-analyzing......and the fixation on "I Did It My Way!"......Frank Sinatra not withstanding.  Lord,  thank You for the delight of Your presence when I didn't know what to say.....or advise.  Thank You for the wonder of a prayer answered and the devil defeated.  Thank You for the power of fervent prayer and the result of what we feel are unanswered prayers......actually giving us the desire of our hearts.  In all things, I find myself
blessed beyond all I ever imagined.  As the years go by I give You praise, Lord.  I thank You for the
gift of Your bountiful love.
So often.....too often......I mope.  I peruse the pages of my life and moan.  And, there is no reason....so, I blame the evil one.  I think he waits for my guard to be down.....and my resistance low.  I ask for Your divine intervention.  "Search me O God......know my heart.  Test me and know my anxious
thoughts.....see if there be any way in me that makes You sad........."  and as soon as You do, I promise to fix it.  I know that  even though I struggle with the constraints of depression,  I place my heart's desires in Your hands......and know that You have promised to be "close to the brokenhearted and save those who are crushed in spirit."  How You accomplish this to those of us who lay exposed to the lies of the evil doer is only one more amazing thing that You do.  Thank You Lord.  I have a lot more to say and pray and ask and on and on......I'll save it for next time, unless I get desperate!  All....dear One.....all of this.....I present to You in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

Starting out cold.  I think sometimes it's the best way.  I have read until I'm blue in the face and have thought of every scenario that I have the imagination to form.....and there really is nothing left but to write  out my heart thoughts to You, Lord.  Having a keyboard to do this is so unusual after all the years of a pen scratching across the pages of composition books.....sometimes, almost unintelligible.  There have been days when I have written to you as of late.....and I still wonder what I mean.  I appreciate the fact Lord, that You decipher my assessment of how I feel and take it to Your own heart and relay it to the Father.  The " groanings and utterings" at times are not easy to read, I'm sure, but Lord.....I appreciate the fact that You do.  The most touching thing for me is that You care.  You love.  You forgive.  You give strength where there is none.  You answer my heart cries.  I know.  I have often taken exception to the reality of how You answer at times.  I have to be honest before You.  I haven't liked Your response to me.  I have been broken at the solution You came up with.  But, I take my rest and reliant heart to You again and again.  And, I do that because I  know without any doubt at all that You are doing what is best.  As I surmise how "I would have done things".....I often see how my plan would not have worked at all.  The surprising events that are "out of the blue" are not  or I guess shouldn't be surprising to those of us who call You Lord.  They are not.....at least I don't believe they are.....surprises.  They are momentary events that You planned all along.  Miracles here and there that offer us hope and triumph and the knowledge that YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING.  I have in the past, accused you of the other part.  It's actually hard to write it down.  Lord....I remember.....with my face raised heavenward and a voice barely audible asking or announcing to anyone who would listen to me......."What are You doing?   What in the world are You doing?  Do You know what You have done?"  Yep.  That's me. " Mouth" should be my name.  And, Lord.....You probably thought about knocking me to the floor.  I sure needed it. But, I remember pretty well that my grief and my sorrow was  about to take me down and I know You had pity on me. You knew my heart.
  I hope and I pray that my heart thoughts will always  be more in consensus with Yours, Lord.  I am so sorry I have given You so much grief.  Thankfully, You know my heart and know I am grateful for the power of forgiveness.  It gives such peace. It provides a body with the strength to carry on....to breathe another breath...and hope for a brighter day. You truly are a miracle worker.  What You accomplish in my stubbornness and what I consider "my righteous thought process" is truly amazing.
I wish my wiring was a little different sometimes.  But, I have learned that my process in "fixing" is usually an exercise in futility.  And, yet....I continue to try. 
I believe in You, Lord.  I believe in the power of Your Word to us.  I believe the promises that You have inspired men to write to us.....and seeing in our imaginations , the great things You did as You walked among men. 
Lord, as we sang on Sunday...."I Can Only Imagine".....I asked the congregation what they thought they would do when they actually saw You.  The man I asked outright that question.....was completely undeterred at being called out during our worship time......and answered quickly......" I think I would probably be prostrate at His feet....after what He has brought me through.....and for what He has lifted me out of......".   I am not sure, Lord.  I try to imagine.  But, I think I might be on the ground too.  (You know, Lord?.....we won't get dirty on the streets of gold, will we?)  After all is said and done.....I more than likely will be prostrate....face down.....just so utterly grateful and overwhelmingly filled with praise.  You deserve the offerings of Your  people.  People that heretofore are mostly ungrateful and lazy. 
Lord, as the prayer I read yesterday from Joni Earreckson Tada's devotion said".....(just excerpts) "Release me from craving to straighten out every body's affairs.......and the habit of having something to comment about every subject in every situation....because of my 'vast store of wisdom'.....".   I could go on and on....and I know You read it with me and probably snickered at the truths in that prayer.  Lord, I am amazed at what I learn when I keep my mouth shut.  I can imagine You smiling.....and that is funny to me.  Thank You, for encouraging me to watch.....and listen.
 Would You take care of the anxieties that are of concern to me.  Fix them.  I can't.  I know, because I have tried.  You see the whole picture and I am willing but unable to make a difference. 
 Take my life and let it be a consecration set aside to work and to be the example for You that it should be.  I ask in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

"Hey, them's fightin' words!!"

 Lord, I think You know how annoyed I was.  Of course You did.  And, I'm not really sure....but, I think You were probably agreeing with my assessment of that phone call.  It was a "listening" phone call.  And, as I listened, I didn't care too much for what I was hearing.  Naturally after the call, I was weighing the possibility of  "telling an empathetic party" how I felt.  In the busy-ness of the day.....I forgot to.  I began carrying on the duties I had to perform.  It wasn't until I was in front the ladies in our Sunday School class that I realized how You had stepped into my heart and provided the peace I needed.  I thank You so very much.....not only for giving me such clarity yesterday, but solace too.  It is ridiculous to me how satan uses the most inane conversation.....replaying the same words over and over in my mind.....and takes me to levels of anger that could ruin me.....and my relationship with You.  Thankfully, God......thankfully, You minister to me......You give me peace.  My seemingly fragile psyche rises again from the ash heap and lives to see another day.  I thank You for the power of Your presence.  I thank You for the nurturing of the Holy Spirit that attends to my sometimes fractured heart.  For the name that is above all names.....blessed Redeemer....Lord of all.....You are my hope.  I give glory to You for You alone are worthy of any that is worth even talking about.  I will not allow the sorrowful words or the "just plain mean" attempts  to ruin my days with worry about "how to fix it".  Lord, I've been alive long enough and a child of God long enough to know there are many things I cannot fix.  The battle in the war of words is often lost.....because I don't have enough of them....and too often.....no one is listening.  So, if You don't mind Lord.....I give it to You.  Exodus 14:13 came to me long ago when I thought I needed to go on the field in the heat of battle.....and I had no ammunition.  I deferred to this verse.  It worked then.  And, now......as I claim it in the name of Jesus, I believe it is now in Your hands, Lord.  Just in case You forgot, Lord......it is where You spoke to Moses and gave him comfort in Your ability to solve any situation.  I quote the words:  "And Moses said to the people, Do not be afraid.  Stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord, which He will accomplish for you today.....For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again.".   I remember Lord, when you first gave me that verse.....I was sitting at the kitchen table that John's Dad made for us......I was reading it out of  The Living Bible then......and it said something like....." the Lord will fight for you and you won't have to lift a finger....." .    Lord, that is the kind of battle I prefer to be in.  I never can think of the right words at the "right" time.  My "perfect comeback" statements are often in my dreams.  Sometimes I wonder why.  And, then.....I realize that You are making me into the image of Yourself and You can replace that desire to give a snappy comeback with quiet resolve.

So often, Lord.....I feel the need to speak.  To explain.  To continue to explain. How about if I hand the incessant desire to "explain" over to You.  You Lord.....You speak louder and say less than anyone I know.  Do Your work in me......and in those I choose to defer to.  I love You. Thank You for the love You provide me all the time.

I ask.....I plead.....I speak all.....in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

"Okay....I'll do it!"

I will.  I'm here.  I'm up and bright eyed.  The bushy-tailed part I'll leave out.  So very often when You wake me up with a bang.....I know it's for a reason.  You want me to write.....to You.  I have been putting this off.....You know.....this writing " out loud" stuff.  Lord, tell me.  Why is this so hard?  It gives  me a quick way to express my thoughts than writing in long hand.  It shows me very quickly what I have been thinking is a little off kilter.  It also gives me a lot of peace.  Three good reasons to keep it up, don't You think?  Okay, so.....why then do You practically have to roll me out on my unconscious state to get me doing what I know is so good for me?  Oh, yes.  That's right.  People might think I'm a little odd.  Or weird.....or even foolish to think as I do as I speak to You.   And, yes....there is always the "Why are you doing this for all the world to see?"  As of last count, exactly 268 people have looked at these prayers that I have written to You,  Lord.  It seems to me that a few may see that telling You their own heart thoughts is something that clears the heart and mind of a lot of trash that doesn't need to be mucking up the works!  It does clear my heart of the notions and ideas that make my calling unclear.....way too often .....when I hold off on my writing.....I can see where the creature that is called satan, has muddied the waters that threaten to overtake my being.  He can only go where I allow him to,  when I am awake.  Help me, Jesus.....to remember that I really need to wear my Helmet of Salvation to bed.  When I am weary, anxious and fearful, especially.  He creeps in to my mind.  All I have to see is ONE thing that the evil one has touched or created.....and it begins to burn a hole into my psyche.  Lord, he is so cunning.  I aim, with the power of Your name and the presence of Your written word in my mind, that I can cut him down with a word.....a thought....or a song of praise to You, dear One.  I bless Your name, Lord.  And , I praise You with all that is within me.  I  venture into territory that scares me so often.  I must never go without You.  When my heart and mind are stayed in You, then I am free.  By the way, thank You for raising me up out of a sound sleep this morning with that song resonating in my head.   "Who Am I?  that the Lord of all the earth ......would care to know my name.......yes, that's a good way to wake me up.  I needed to access the internet and find out what all the lyrics were.  And, You're right.  They are perfect.....because they fine tune all I tend to think about my own self.  "Who Am I? that the bright and morning star would choose to light the way of my ever wandering....or is it "wondering" heart......both are good in my case, Lord!   No one but You, dear Lord.....can lift me to a higher place than I could ever dream or hope for.  Blessings and blessings and more blessings attend my way.  I am beyond overwhelmed at the mercy and grace You provide me....all the time.  Yes, there are times I have wondered where You are.  Especially at the  anticipation of words needed in any given conversation.  I need You to fill in the gaps for me.  I need You to light the way.....consistently.  I am not great in the "not being prepared" part of life.  I like to have my ducks in a row.  I like to look into the scripture and see myself there.  I love to .....why?  Because my dear One.....I know then, that You in Your own busy-ness....know the needs of my heart and You attend to me too.....as busy as You are.   I wish I didn't need so much attention.  I would like to be a little more self sufficient.  Forget that, Lord.  Maybe one day? when I am old and gray?  Forget that, too!   I already am.  Let's just say, Lord , that when You feel I am capable of "running the show" on my own.....I'll be with You!  And, there I will not be causing any trouble....for You or anyone else.  It is getting light outside now.  A new day has dawned.  What lies ahead is in Your hands.  I will, above all else, honor You today in my talk and in my walk.  Your name on my lips.....my armour  on....I will be Your instrument.  I would like it if You could help me not fall on my face.  It's embarrassing, Lord. (when it does happen)  I always need help getting up.  I don't need anymore dents in my armour than I already do....and I want to be on my feet to deflect the arrows that the evil one propels my way.  Give me Your strength.  Make me strong where I am weak.  Introduce me to a higher level of understanding than I have now.  Make me more like You.  I need more compassion and empathy.  I do not want the issues that arise to deter any resolve I have to be the warrior for You I need to be.  Keep me focused on the prize.
For this day.....surround me with Your power.  I ask all in the name and will of Jesus....the Christ.
Amen.

Jesus, Lover of my Soul!

Over and over I am amazed at the sustenance I find at the foot of the cross.  It is always a surprise somehow.  I guess I will continually be bowled over by the level of care with which You provide, Lord.  So often, I find myself searching;  or is it waiting?  Maintaining until.....which is sort of waiting also....but,  it's almost like I expect something earth-shaking to rock my world......and shake me from my reverie.  Why am I so morose?  Why do I always expect the worst?  And, if it doesn't come.....I feel no relief, even then because I'm sure it's coming.  Lord, I always expect for You to rescue me, though.....and to no alarm or failure on Your part.....You do.  Every time. 
The song "Jesus, Lover of My Soul" went through my mind as soon as I thought about writing this prayer blog today.  I have looked at the words and I see that once again, it is a "Rescue me, please!" song.  I am perhaps putting too much emphasis on the "waiting for the ax to fall" scenario.  It is only my personality quirks, maybe.  But, I do know that I know I am not alone in worrying about it.  Noooo.....I'm not worrying.....not really.  I'm just letting it go to Your discretion, Lord.  I sincerely believe that nothing comes to me that you have not been aware of....and have nodded affirmatively as You have thought.... "Yes, that will help her grow!"  I  maintain that I should be extra careful to make sure that my armour is on nice and secure.  The thought that satan could seep through the cracks almost makes me crazy sometimes.  I need an extra application of the silicone caulk stuff.  Lord, I always talk about this because I think about it so often.  I just told the ladies in Sunday School yesterday, to not let their guard down.  This satan creature (sorry, I refuse to capitalize him) is out to get us. "Every legitimate trick in the book", I said to them.  He will use every legitimate phone call, visitor at the door, child or spouse in need.....anything......to stop us; to cause doubt; to raise our fears; to keep us too busy to concentrate on You and what You need for us to do.  Your plan for us.  Your desire for us to meet our goals that You have already sanctioned. And then.....after all that, I very often feel exhausted.  (he uses that, too!)  I find it easier to sit down and think about it.....and do nothing.  If I could conquer that last area I would feel like I could breathe easier, Lord.  I do not like feeling that I have failed You in any way.  People in my life that observe all of the " this , that and the other" about me....and either like me or not.....often plague me (because I can't make them all happy) but Jesus.....my hope and all-out goal is to please You.  You know what my "best" is. 
Where will it take me?  I am concerned about one place. The one You are preparing for me.  Oh, Lord.....make me the instrument for You that You need me to be.  Let me to Thy bosom fly....while the nearer waters roll, while the tempest still is high!  Hide me, O my Savior, hide....till the storm of life is past.  Safe into the haven guide...O receive my soul at last!  I will forever hide in You, Lord!  I have no other recourse.  You are my safety net.  You are.  You are. 
All I need.....all I desire.....is in Your care.....and prayed for in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

"I Know You Love Me....."

All I can think of, Lord.....is how much You love me.  And,  I still do not understand why.  I need to stop trying to understand it.  I have tried to analyze it.  I have written.  I have studied.  There is no reason why You should except that You promised You would since  I am Your child and love You.  It is nothing I have done.  What in the world do You see I can do for You.  I falter too often.  I make offensive statements too often.  I am soooo unlovable at times.  How in the world do You take time for me?  Okay......I said I wouldn't keep on trying to understand.  So, I will stop.....for now.  But, Lord.....just let me say "Thank You , again and again for the gift of Your love to me.  When I go off on my own....perusing the world that you have allowed me to live in.....and do not make a conscious effort to keep you in my loop.....it always amazes me how You draw me back in where I need to be.  Can You accept my apologies for forgetting what is really important.  Even in times of "respite", I need to acknowledge You as my foundation consistently.  Daily.  Hourly.  Too often, I don't.  I want so much to be lazy sometimes.  Can I afford to do that?  I doubt it.  Lord, You don't even have to give me an answer.  I know that the evil one is just standing back and waiting for an opening.  Sealing up my" house" tight never stops him.....he just gets quieter....slinking into the background awaiting a slip-up on my part.  Thank You, Lord for the devotional I read the other day from "Joni and Friends".  You knew exactly what I needed to see.  You have a way of whipping me back into shape without it hurting too much.  Or, even at all.  As I read her devotional I could see that I AM NOT ALONE.  And, Lord (?).....that always makes me feel like I am not such a varmint.  "A hands-off approach to my walk with Christ has never gotten me anywhere.  God played the key role in my justification and I have the responsibility to play the key role in my sanctification", she writes. So, I can see that I am responsible.  If I plan on being the instrument I keep saying I want to be,  I have to be actively engaged in my own salvation as I work it out with "fear and trembling".  Lord, help me see.....help me to "get it".  If I am spiritually lazy by not approaching the Throne of God on a consistent basis.....not properly reading Your word......not talking to You daily.....not "living" my faith in front of others or witnessing.....or even trusting You to run my life.............well, then I am not taking this relationship that I proclaim to have with You seriously at all.
Boy, did I ever just say a mouthful.  And, did I pay attention?  Was I just giving You the usual lip-service.  Shame on me, Lord.  I see where my attention to detail is lacking.
Thank You Father for the update to my progress.  I am always thankful for Your intervention.  I am consistently amazed at the way You love me......and protect me......and give me Your grace and mercy on top of it all.  Thank You dear One.  
I give You praise and thanks.  I give You my heart.  Each word is written with Your name emblazoned on it....and above all....Your will.  I say then....amen.

You know, Lord....I'm not sure this is an "outloud" post or not.  I guess we'll decide when I'm done talking.  It's the oddest thing.....I remember so well.....asking You that my mother not die on or around my first granddaughters birth.  I just felt that it wasn't a good thing to sort of have the memory of both events at one time.  You allowed it  I know.  I have resolved that.  But, tonight.... on the day we are celebrating the eighteenth birthday of my beautiful granddaughter, I can't seem to think of anything else.  The day was memorable not only because of her birth but, we had arrived early at the prediction of a huge snow storm that was to shut down the area.  Just in case, we wanted our daughter to feel at ease with us there for her.   I guess, Lord, that I am thinking about the trip up to her home.   On the way there,  I stopped at the rehab hospital to see my mother, I knew something wasn't quite right. She has been there nearly five years.  She had been unconscious for one year.  My brothers and I wondered how long her health was going to hold out.  She had lived much longer than anyone had thought.  But, I did wonder how long her body would subsist on the ventilator.  It was so awful to hear that constant sucking and whooshing sound.  I can still hear it.  Smell it, even.  It's an uncomfortable memory.
Thinking about it all sort of makes me sick, Lord.  But....remember, that afternoon, Lord?  When I walked in
the nurses alerted me that they were noticing a change in her.  Her temperature was lowering, they said.  I couldn't believe how cold she felt when I bent to hug her.   Lord, when I left that day, I had a sense that I would not be seeing her again in that place.  A few days later, after our granddaughter was born and we had welcomed her home.....I was holding her close.   It was late and I got word that mom was in the process of dying.  I remember looking down at this precious little child...feeding her while her mother slept through the night.  I recall making the decision.  I believe You guided my thought process as I thought about the storm....my son-in-law driving me the 2 hours it would take to get to her side.  Lord....I really believe staying with my responsibility there with my girl,  was the right thing to do.  I had given my mom all I could for as long as I could in every way that was within my power.  Now, I felt that she was headed to You, Lord.  I was content in knowing she would be with You soon.  Nothing I could murmur in her ear would change anything or give her comfort.  Thank You Lord for that assurance.  I cannot believe it has been 18 years since she died.  Lord, thank You for comforting her when I could not.  I appreciate the power of Your love to give us peace in the storms that come into our lives.  The ones  that seem to go on forever.......and the ones that come and go so quickly, we barely have time to even react.  It is my hope and goal, Lord.....to continue to allow You to give me wisdom and a sense of assurance in the decisions that I have to make.  I give you praise.  I honor Your power.  I thank You.  My children.  My grandchildren.  My precious husband and the love and life that You have allowed us to have.  You, are my salvation. 
The timing of it all  does not matter anymore.  Your presence  surrounding our lives is what is vital to us.  Stay close Lord.  I need You.....all the time.  Amen.   PS a day later......I'll post.  You deliver, Lord.