"Okay....I'll do it!"

I will.  I'm here.  I'm up and bright eyed.  The bushy-tailed part I'll leave out.  So very often when You wake me up with a bang.....I know it's for a reason.  You want me to write.....to You.  I have been putting this off.....You know.....this writing " out loud" stuff.  Lord, tell me.  Why is this so hard?  It gives  me a quick way to express my thoughts than writing in long hand.  It shows me very quickly what I have been thinking is a little off kilter.  It also gives me a lot of peace.  Three good reasons to keep it up, don't You think?  Okay, so.....why then do You practically have to roll me out on my unconscious state to get me doing what I know is so good for me?  Oh, yes.  That's right.  People might think I'm a little odd.  Or weird.....or even foolish to think as I do as I speak to You.   And, yes....there is always the "Why are you doing this for all the world to see?"  As of last count, exactly 268 people have looked at these prayers that I have written to You,  Lord.  It seems to me that a few may see that telling You their own heart thoughts is something that clears the heart and mind of a lot of trash that doesn't need to be mucking up the works!  It does clear my heart of the notions and ideas that make my calling unclear.....way too often .....when I hold off on my writing.....I can see where the creature that is called satan, has muddied the waters that threaten to overtake my being.  He can only go where I allow him to,  when I am awake.  Help me, Jesus.....to remember that I really need to wear my Helmet of Salvation to bed.  When I am weary, anxious and fearful, especially.  He creeps in to my mind.  All I have to see is ONE thing that the evil one has touched or created.....and it begins to burn a hole into my psyche.  Lord, he is so cunning.  I aim, with the power of Your name and the presence of Your written word in my mind, that I can cut him down with a word.....a thought....or a song of praise to You, dear One.  I bless Your name, Lord.  And , I praise You with all that is within me.  I  venture into territory that scares me so often.  I must never go without You.  When my heart and mind are stayed in You, then I am free.  By the way, thank You for raising me up out of a sound sleep this morning with that song resonating in my head.   "Who Am I?  that the Lord of all the earth ......would care to know my name.......yes, that's a good way to wake me up.  I needed to access the internet and find out what all the lyrics were.  And, You're right.  They are perfect.....because they fine tune all I tend to think about my own self.  "Who Am I? that the bright and morning star would choose to light the way of my ever wandering....or is it "wondering" heart......both are good in my case, Lord!   No one but You, dear Lord.....can lift me to a higher place than I could ever dream or hope for.  Blessings and blessings and more blessings attend my way.  I am beyond overwhelmed at the mercy and grace You provide me....all the time.  Yes, there are times I have wondered where You are.  Especially at the  anticipation of words needed in any given conversation.  I need You to fill in the gaps for me.  I need You to light the way.....consistently.  I am not great in the "not being prepared" part of life.  I like to have my ducks in a row.  I like to look into the scripture and see myself there.  I love to .....why?  Because my dear One.....I know then, that You in Your own busy-ness....know the needs of my heart and You attend to me too.....as busy as You are.   I wish I didn't need so much attention.  I would like to be a little more self sufficient.  Forget that, Lord.  Maybe one day? when I am old and gray?  Forget that, too!   I already am.  Let's just say, Lord , that when You feel I am capable of "running the show" on my own.....I'll be with You!  And, there I will not be causing any trouble....for You or anyone else.  It is getting light outside now.  A new day has dawned.  What lies ahead is in Your hands.  I will, above all else, honor You today in my talk and in my walk.  Your name on my lips.....my armour  on....I will be Your instrument.  I would like it if You could help me not fall on my face.  It's embarrassing, Lord. (when it does happen)  I always need help getting up.  I don't need anymore dents in my armour than I already do....and I want to be on my feet to deflect the arrows that the evil one propels my way.  Give me Your strength.  Make me strong where I am weak.  Introduce me to a higher level of understanding than I have now.  Make me more like You.  I need more compassion and empathy.  I do not want the issues that arise to deter any resolve I have to be the warrior for You I need to be.  Keep me focused on the prize.
For this day.....surround me with Your power.  I ask all in the name and will of Jesus....the Christ.
Amen.

Jesus, Lover of my Soul!

Over and over I am amazed at the sustenance I find at the foot of the cross.  It is always a surprise somehow.  I guess I will continually be bowled over by the level of care with which You provide, Lord.  So often, I find myself searching;  or is it waiting?  Maintaining until.....which is sort of waiting also....but,  it's almost like I expect something earth-shaking to rock my world......and shake me from my reverie.  Why am I so morose?  Why do I always expect the worst?  And, if it doesn't come.....I feel no relief, even then because I'm sure it's coming.  Lord, I always expect for You to rescue me, though.....and to no alarm or failure on Your part.....You do.  Every time. 
The song "Jesus, Lover of My Soul" went through my mind as soon as I thought about writing this prayer blog today.  I have looked at the words and I see that once again, it is a "Rescue me, please!" song.  I am perhaps putting too much emphasis on the "waiting for the ax to fall" scenario.  It is only my personality quirks, maybe.  But, I do know that I know I am not alone in worrying about it.  Noooo.....I'm not worrying.....not really.  I'm just letting it go to Your discretion, Lord.  I sincerely believe that nothing comes to me that you have not been aware of....and have nodded affirmatively as You have thought.... "Yes, that will help her grow!"  I  maintain that I should be extra careful to make sure that my armour is on nice and secure.  The thought that satan could seep through the cracks almost makes me crazy sometimes.  I need an extra application of the silicone caulk stuff.  Lord, I always talk about this because I think about it so often.  I just told the ladies in Sunday School yesterday, to not let their guard down.  This satan creature (sorry, I refuse to capitalize him) is out to get us. "Every legitimate trick in the book", I said to them.  He will use every legitimate phone call, visitor at the door, child or spouse in need.....anything......to stop us; to cause doubt; to raise our fears; to keep us too busy to concentrate on You and what You need for us to do.  Your plan for us.  Your desire for us to meet our goals that You have already sanctioned. And then.....after all that, I very often feel exhausted.  (he uses that, too!)  I find it easier to sit down and think about it.....and do nothing.  If I could conquer that last area I would feel like I could breathe easier, Lord.  I do not like feeling that I have failed You in any way.  People in my life that observe all of the " this , that and the other" about me....and either like me or not.....often plague me (because I can't make them all happy) but Jesus.....my hope and all-out goal is to please You.  You know what my "best" is. 
Where will it take me?  I am concerned about one place. The one You are preparing for me.  Oh, Lord.....make me the instrument for You that You need me to be.  Let me to Thy bosom fly....while the nearer waters roll, while the tempest still is high!  Hide me, O my Savior, hide....till the storm of life is past.  Safe into the haven guide...O receive my soul at last!  I will forever hide in You, Lord!  I have no other recourse.  You are my safety net.  You are.  You are. 
All I need.....all I desire.....is in Your care.....and prayed for in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

"I Know You Love Me....."

All I can think of, Lord.....is how much You love me.  And,  I still do not understand why.  I need to stop trying to understand it.  I have tried to analyze it.  I have written.  I have studied.  There is no reason why You should except that You promised You would since  I am Your child and love You.  It is nothing I have done.  What in the world do You see I can do for You.  I falter too often.  I make offensive statements too often.  I am soooo unlovable at times.  How in the world do You take time for me?  Okay......I said I wouldn't keep on trying to understand.  So, I will stop.....for now.  But, Lord.....just let me say "Thank You , again and again for the gift of Your love to me.  When I go off on my own....perusing the world that you have allowed me to live in.....and do not make a conscious effort to keep you in my loop.....it always amazes me how You draw me back in where I need to be.  Can You accept my apologies for forgetting what is really important.  Even in times of "respite", I need to acknowledge You as my foundation consistently.  Daily.  Hourly.  Too often, I don't.  I want so much to be lazy sometimes.  Can I afford to do that?  I doubt it.  Lord, You don't even have to give me an answer.  I know that the evil one is just standing back and waiting for an opening.  Sealing up my" house" tight never stops him.....he just gets quieter....slinking into the background awaiting a slip-up on my part.  Thank You, Lord for the devotional I read the other day from "Joni and Friends".  You knew exactly what I needed to see.  You have a way of whipping me back into shape without it hurting too much.  Or, even at all.  As I read her devotional I could see that I AM NOT ALONE.  And, Lord (?).....that always makes me feel like I am not such a varmint.  "A hands-off approach to my walk with Christ has never gotten me anywhere.  God played the key role in my justification and I have the responsibility to play the key role in my sanctification", she writes. So, I can see that I am responsible.  If I plan on being the instrument I keep saying I want to be,  I have to be actively engaged in my own salvation as I work it out with "fear and trembling".  Lord, help me see.....help me to "get it".  If I am spiritually lazy by not approaching the Throne of God on a consistent basis.....not properly reading Your word......not talking to You daily.....not "living" my faith in front of others or witnessing.....or even trusting You to run my life.............well, then I am not taking this relationship that I proclaim to have with You seriously at all.
Boy, did I ever just say a mouthful.  And, did I pay attention?  Was I just giving You the usual lip-service.  Shame on me, Lord.  I see where my attention to detail is lacking.
Thank You Father for the update to my progress.  I am always thankful for Your intervention.  I am consistently amazed at the way You love me......and protect me......and give me Your grace and mercy on top of it all.  Thank You dear One.  
I give You praise and thanks.  I give You my heart.  Each word is written with Your name emblazoned on it....and above all....Your will.  I say then....amen.

You know, Lord....I'm not sure this is an "outloud" post or not.  I guess we'll decide when I'm done talking.  It's the oddest thing.....I remember so well.....asking You that my mother not die on or around my first granddaughters birth.  I just felt that it wasn't a good thing to sort of have the memory of both events at one time.  You allowed it  I know.  I have resolved that.  But, tonight.... on the day we are celebrating the eighteenth birthday of my beautiful granddaughter, I can't seem to think of anything else.  The day was memorable not only because of her birth but, we had arrived early at the prediction of a huge snow storm that was to shut down the area.  Just in case, we wanted our daughter to feel at ease with us there for her.   I guess, Lord, that I am thinking about the trip up to her home.   On the way there,  I stopped at the rehab hospital to see my mother, I knew something wasn't quite right. She has been there nearly five years.  She had been unconscious for one year.  My brothers and I wondered how long her health was going to hold out.  She had lived much longer than anyone had thought.  But, I did wonder how long her body would subsist on the ventilator.  It was so awful to hear that constant sucking and whooshing sound.  I can still hear it.  Smell it, even.  It's an uncomfortable memory.
Thinking about it all sort of makes me sick, Lord.  But....remember, that afternoon, Lord?  When I walked in
the nurses alerted me that they were noticing a change in her.  Her temperature was lowering, they said.  I couldn't believe how cold she felt when I bent to hug her.   Lord, when I left that day, I had a sense that I would not be seeing her again in that place.  A few days later, after our granddaughter was born and we had welcomed her home.....I was holding her close.   It was late and I got word that mom was in the process of dying.  I remember looking down at this precious little child...feeding her while her mother slept through the night.  I recall making the decision.  I believe You guided my thought process as I thought about the storm....my son-in-law driving me the 2 hours it would take to get to her side.  Lord....I really believe staying with my responsibility there with my girl,  was the right thing to do.  I had given my mom all I could for as long as I could in every way that was within my power.  Now, I felt that she was headed to You, Lord.  I was content in knowing she would be with You soon.  Nothing I could murmur in her ear would change anything or give her comfort.  Thank You Lord for that assurance.  I cannot believe it has been 18 years since she died.  Lord, thank You for comforting her when I could not.  I appreciate the power of Your love to give us peace in the storms that come into our lives.  The ones  that seem to go on forever.......and the ones that come and go so quickly, we barely have time to even react.  It is my hope and goal, Lord.....to continue to allow You to give me wisdom and a sense of assurance in the decisions that I have to make.  I give you praise.  I honor Your power.  I thank You.  My children.  My grandchildren.  My precious husband and the love and life that You have allowed us to have.  You, are my salvation. 
The timing of it all  does not matter anymore.  Your presence  surrounding our lives is what is vital to us.  Stay close Lord.  I need You.....all the time.  Amen.   PS a day later......I'll post.  You deliver, Lord.

"TO BE LIKE YOU, LORD!! PLEASE!"

Okay, Lord.......so I finally manage to get through the "red tape" of getting online....(sometimes so slow)  and because of the delay, forget what I'm on here for ( : ( ) and find myself  looking at the "Bible Gateway" site that gives me the verse for the day.  It's from Ephesians, chapter 6, verses 12 and 13.  I read "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the Rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world  and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.   Therefore, put on the whole armor of God so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything.....to stand."   Sheesh, Lord......scare me to death, why don't You!
I started out having a pretty good day.....and now I am wondering....."Who's coming?  Or, calling?  Or, what is ahead?  I guess I feel a little shaky in the knees after that.....yet, who am I talking to?  Yep.....it's You , dear One.  And, I can stop with the "OOOh , what's happening? stuff!  I know You, Lord.  I am Yours.  And, You are not allowing one thing that You will not be overseeing.  Please.....  Please, help me remember that fact.  You have in the past and I know I can count on You to do it for me now and in the future.  I love You, Lord.  I lift my heart and voice to You and give You praise for all of it.  The good and the bad.  It is what makes me....me!  I do wonder at times if You knew what You were doing when You created me.....but, You have given me tools to use to better my life and my heart.....and all that goes with it.  Some of the work has been done and I've seen the change in my behavior....I'm not sure that anyone else has.....and for me that has always been such a tender issue.  I leave it all to You, Father.  To insist that You change me into what You never planned for me to be is foolish.  I've asked on more than one occasion for You to help me "be this" or " that"  or something else entirely than who I am.....and I find that when You do for me what I ask...... I am not any more fulfilled than I was before the change.  Lord.....I hesitate writing so "outloud" for fear of the
misunderstanding others may feel,  but I know You are "getting it".  My goal, has forever......been, to be the instrument that will carry out the plan You always had for me and the life You have given me.  To try to deter from that plan will only make me unfit.
 The responses that I have.....You know, Lord......those "first thoughts" that enter my mind when hearing, seeing, experiencing any given situation......are often ones that I need to correct, I feel.  I read a devotional recently that at first, I deleted.  (I righteously thought...."Well, that doesn't apply to me!")  After all, it was entitled something like "Mean Girls".   I  decided to go into my "trash" and locate what I thought did not "apply to me".  Oh, Lord.....I regret to inform You that I have slighted You and Your kingdom by my sly and unkind "wit"!!  I have misused my authority as a mother, wife and leader  in "leading the pack" in our conversation by not sifting the words that come out of my mouth.  I've decided to hold myself accountable to You and my family that I would not say disparaging things about others or their situations.  Whoever made the statement...."It isn't gossip.....it's all true!" should be smacked.  Unkind is unkind.  I need to be like You, Lord.  All the time.  Hmmm......I wonder, Lord.....how to do this, all the time.  I need to be less judgmental.....more compassionate.....more empathetic.....and careful in the comment department.  Perhaps to just "ZIP IT!"  is preferable.  Yeah.....I know.  Now, I've gone and done it.  I've let the cat out of the proverbial bag!  I'm afraid all my friends and acquaintances will see this and know for sure I am a fake.
 Lord......You know the heart that beats inside me.  You supply the physical health for it to beat and sustain my life.  But, You, dear One.....also supply the spiritual breath the gives me the life I crave and need....... to play my instrument for You.  Whether the notes are loud and resonating or soft and in-filling......the music is for You , Lord.  I will maintain a steadier, healthier beat for You and that kingdom of Heaven I am planning and working for.  All I have said.... asked for ..... I ask in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

You know, my Lord.....I continue to be amazed at the wonder of Your power to heal our hearts and minds when we ask.  You, above all, are the source I can depend on.  There are so many times I attempt to understand....and explain and then, realize nothing is healed.  To try and try and try again is futile.  No medicine heals this fever.  If left to our own resources, the damage that occurs to the brain is (almost) permanent.  The mind seems to be permanently scewed.  Why are we so determined?  What is the point of giving those that disagree with us the same disease.  Oftentimes, I am unaware of the regrettable sound of words that try to make a difference and are not really ever heard or accepted.  You know, Lord.....a few years ago I decided since I was over 40 (or maybe it was 50), I'd start expressing "my" opinions and "my" reasoning of any subject or situation.  Until then, I really just nodded my affirmations to not cause any
undue attention.  Anyone who knew me,  suddenly weren't too sure they knew who I was anymore, Lord.
I had an opinion and I wanted someone to hear it. And now,  Lord,  You know what?  I think I would like to go back to the old me.  Since I am not always the "voice of reason", and can't predict the future.....I'm thinking the old "head-in-the-sand" position is more my style.  At this stage of my life, I have  15 decent years left.  Maybe a few more, or a few less.  But, nothing is worth the trouble of being labeled in an unattractive fashion.....I realize Lord.....I COULD BE WRONG!    I lay my anxieties at Your feet.  I want so much to be the servant You need me to be.  If I didn't have to talk to people I'd be fine.( I really do think this at times).
Or, would I?  Could You give me the power?  Would You give me the hope?  Would You give me the energy?  Because, if You would......I know I could make it.  I believe You could and would.  I know the heart thoughts I bare and share with You are important  to You.  I am Your child. What concerns me,  concerns You.   Give me the peace I pray for.  For this and all I ask for.....I ask in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

Hi dear One......I am calling on You today because I am filled with anxiety about concerns.  The concerns are not huge....just troublesome.  You know, the gnawing feeling that something isn't quite right.  I have always wondered  about how to discern what is necessary to bring into my day to day prayer time.....and because I haven't taken the time.....I just bombard You with it all.  I've always assumed since You are in charge of me.....You should know about it all anyway.   Yesterday, I went out awhile.
I asked that I would be Your instrument while I was gone.  In the conversation I shared with the others I met with, I "planned" on being quiet and to just listen.  I was bothered later, when I realized I just entered into the conversation as most folks do.....and then, later, thought I should have maintained my usual silence.  I am beginning to see that my words, thoughts and "outloud" feelings.....are not all that often taken in the way I mean them.  Hence, that misunderstanding requires my explaining.....therein lies more words spoken than necessary.  I am so often trying to explain "what I mean" that I would much more like to cease conversation.   And, then too, Lord........You and I have this nice connection and conversation that I almost always "get".   Of course, too......I love NOT having to explain myself to You.  Everyone has their own "truth".  Sometimes I hear it and agree.  And, there are times when I hear it and don't agree.  I guess what I need Lord, is for You to suggest, ie:
nudge, shove or implant the importance of responding or not.  Why is it important for me to express my thoughts to one who may find my words unimportant, stupid, or senseless.  And, why....after all these years of keeping my thoughts between You and me, do I find it "necessary" to speak them aloud.
Lord.....I spoke of this in my last "outloud" letter.  I want to make sure that my heart and mind are in sync.  No glory to me.  No kudos.
These days are for You, Lord.  We need to place our trust in You.  You are the provider of wisdom. You give us the blessings we enjoy.  I have never doubted that or discounted it.  Give me Your favor
that is for me to enjoy today.  Give me Your words.  Give me a heart like Yours.  Give me Your spirit of discernment to know what is right for me.  Help me to realize that what is right for me, is not always necessarily the right way for someone else.  I know I am in a position of leadership.  I only want to speak "the truth" that You need spoken.  My ideas aside.  The "I think(s)"are really not what other folks need to hear from me.  Lord.....if I knew what I was talking about, You'd be disgusted with me......BUT, I don't......so , You have free reign to lead me into the truth You have for me today.  I will be watching for Your instruction......and leadership.....and anything else You would choose to throw my way.  I need You, Lord.  More than I did yesterday.  Open the eyes of my heart, Lord.  Give me Your peace for me today.  I ask all and speak in the name of Jesus.  Amen.