It’s February 28th, Lord …..the day John left us 4 years ago. I’m not sure I was even in my right mind.  I was somewhat unaware that You were requesting his presence.  See, Lord…..John had convinced me he was going to get through this Cancer battle that he was in…..and we would carry on our little ministry at Martin Grove. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.  I was just not reading the signs….and the roadblocks that were happening. 

As we stood around his bed, I was very aware that there was no movement.  There was nothing that would indicate he heard any of our stories or the songs we sung (rather badly).  At one point, we all looked at each other trying to discern if what we were seeing was really happening.  Now, we all agree that his body was being transformed into a translucent entity. We saw what was the most perfect face literally glowing with the light of Your own presence, I believe. It was a sight that took my breath away.  At one point, Marcy touched his lip to peek at his teeth.  They were a beautiful pearly white.  We just stared at what was a beautiful moment in time in all of our lives.  John mentioned one day how he thought the chemo and other meds had discolored his teeth and didn’t think he could ever get them white again.

I’m believe that God allowed us to see these happenings as gifts for us to remember and to cling to. At the time, I was unsure how to process all that happened.  I still couldn’t believe You were preparing him to stand in Your holy presence. After that day, about 1:30 in the afternoon…..I was surprised after I found myself breathing the next day.  Now, a few years later, and I  still can’t believe he’s not here with us anymore.

Lord, I miss his laughter. I miss how he could do some of his antics and have me laughing when only moments before I was moaning about something I could not do anything about.  I believe there will always be an empty place in my heart.  I’m not angry, Lord.  I just miss my best friend.  You fill the recesses…..the space where he always was. Keep on doing that for me, dear Jesus! I needn’t worry…..I know.  I try not to, but You know those doubts and lies that the enemy throws up in our face….just trying to block Your light from me…..well, with Your help in providing strength and power from the Holy Spirit, I will stay on the path to meet You one day. Thank You dear One.  I am so thankful to have You to lean on and I might as well say it!  To complain to. 

I say these words, to form the sentences that make my prayers mean how I feel. I do this in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

Lord, here I am…..I’ve come to find You!  Not because you’re hiding…..it’s just that even though I know where You are…..I’m too tired, too sad, too depleted physically, (the list can get pretty long) I know that ultimately, it’s pure laziness.  Many times when I write, I have a plan in mind.  Sometimes it works and often it doesn’t.  One thing I don’t like to do is start over. Sooo……with nothing in particular in mind, I start.  I don’t like rambling either….sort of waiting to see where it leads me. 

My main purpose, I think, is to thank You.  Often, when I sit down to reread some of my letters to You,( I mean the scribble ones in my composition book),  I wonder if you get tired of my whining…..asking for the same thing over and over…..it seems so redundant.  Like….I’m thinking You might just want to take a snooze in the middle of it.  Lord, I know You are so gracious and merciful and would not want to suggest in any way I’m right….but, if You were honest……would You? (Take a snooze, that is?) As much as I have ever taught others how important it is to tell You how we really feel….I don’t. Mostly because I know what You expect but don’t want to be that honest. And maybe, mostly because it’s lame.  Things like”asking for healing, money to pay a bill, forgiving someone who has been unkind and/or disrespectful, trying and failing at something we want to do…..I don’t know…..it’s all that and more.  

You know what I struggle with.  I wouldn’t even have to say a word, but, You require very little from me/us!  It seems like I would be grateful that You even want to know the little stuff. I think sometimes that is what the enemy gets a kick out of….my negligence in telling You all….out loud.  I have tried to be true and honest for the most part, I guess….but, even though I know You know, I prefer not to bring everything out in the open. Sometimes I feel my family or folks that love me, wonder.  

When I began studying and searching for answers about forgiveness…..I thought….”Wow! This is fantastic.  Everyone will love this.”  For a while I’d preach my new “strategy” in my classes and some would be nodding their heads in agreement or some would just give me “the look”.  The one that says , I have no idea what you’re talking about!  I realize now, dear One, that You let me in on a formula to help ME get over the words that hurt, the actions that hurt, the incidents that break a heart….it was for me.  I remember how You brought me to decipher what could work for me.  I still have no concept of the amount of garbage that comes out of someone’s mouth to hurt another and they have no remorse or feel the need to say “I’m sorry!” …..or, even feel they had a right to tell you what they think you need to know….”because somebody has to.”Over and over I have listened to this kind of thing and I’m just baffled by the unkindness that creeps into the whole scenario, making it even more egregious.  

I remember listening to a “reason why I don’t feel I don’t have to ask forgiveness”……and finally realized it wasn’t my problem. I started to get upset.  I wanted to argue my point. And, then I realized in the life of a dedicated Christian, that is all Your job!  Not mine. 

You have a way with words, dear One!  I love what You’ve brought to my life.  I will forever be a servant of “Quick to forgive”!  Okay, okay! I’m not perfect…..sometimes I struggle awhile…..but for the most part, You have given me an out.  

Thank You forYour quick forgiveness to me.  I know You don’t struggle with it….it’s pretty much as easy as breathing.  And….yes…..there have been times when I know I’ve failed to recognize that I NEED to.  You’ve always been gracious in pointing out my need to stay on the right path. 

Thank You dear One, for the prayers answered that were recently prayed for my eldest daughter.  One early morning when we were called to the hospital…..I cried out to You (quietly) “Jesus, please don’t take my girl!”  I couldn’t think of another thing to say right then.  I knew others were praying…..so, I just kept repeating myself.  Lord, I know it’s not always that easy….I know that well-prayed prayers don’t always get answered the way we hope……but for this time, I praiseYou from all that is within me.

All I pray and ask for….in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Well, Lord…..Seems like I am continually in need of a kick in the pants!  I wish it wasn’t so……but I find it to be true. 

I have been reminded over and over how very blessed I am. “How can I say thanks for the things you have done for me……things so undeserved, yet you did to prove your love to me. The voices of a thousand angels could not express my gratitude….all that I am, or ever hope to be…..I owe it all to Thee.”  That is my heart song to You this morning.  I feel that the little chorus we used to sing as children….”Running over, running over….my cup is full and running over. Since the Lord saved me….I’m as happy as can be.  My cup is full and running over.”

I do have to admit…..I’m not always “happy as  I can be.”  I remember when You pressed me to fulfill the scripture that suggests we “be thankful  in all things”  after John died.  I inwardly groaned…..maybe outwardly too.  I couldn’t wrap my mind around it.  You say it.  You sing about it.  But, until you face the facts of what you have to  live with now…..it’s so very hard to say the words.

Lord, You may remember that my attempt to write it out was a little pathetic.  I didn’t inwardly speak those words and really mean them.  I wrote the words because I believe it is what You want from us.  I believe too, that You require obedience from your children….so there’s that!  Plus, I wanted to see how You would work this out for me.

I do remember sitting on the couch, writing out my letter of thanks toYou.  I felt You wouldn’t be pleased because I didn’t really mean it…..but, I did it because I wanted to show You that you could count on me to be faithful in what You wanted me to do.  It had to be You suggesting it…..it certainly wasn’t me.  My first reaction wasn’t respectful. “You’ve got to be kidding…..what do You want from me?”  Anyway Lord, I think it took a few days for me to realize that You did suggest it and if I didn’t do something about it, I wouldn’t get any rest.  I knew then that You would just keep bringing it up again and again until I wrote out the words to You. 

I have to say, Lord…..I don’t know what I expected when I wrote out my letter to You….but, I did feel a sense of peace within my heart and spirit.  A sense that You would fill in the gaping holes of my distress and give me a sense of serenity about it all.  I think about these dates of November.  It was when John and I received the news that he had a rare form of Hodgkins Lymphoma.  You took him to be with you almost exactly three months later.  How precious he was to me.  Thank you for letting me have him by my side for 56 years.  I will forever be grateful.

I would suppose….You will “suggest” throughout my life other things You are concerned about. I will pay attention, Lord.  This close to Your coming back for us, I want nothing to hinder.

I pray in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Lord……I feel a little out of sync.  I can’t seem to wrap my head around these feelings that seem to plague me.  I’ve gone through stuff….but so has everybody else.  I’ve managed to keep breathing after John died…and today, I wish I wasn’t .  Okay, I guess I shouldn’t have said that but, who are You going to tell. Please, Lord….no one needs to know.  The hope that I can be faithful in all things You expect of me is hard enough.  I do feel though, that it is my life  right now.

Before we left the pastorate, I assumed that all of my “teaching moments”from You, were for me to use not only for me, but my classes as well.  I remember the time that I used a really significant one, and after I said it, all the eyes that were on me sort of looked glazed.  They didn’t get it at all. So, that particular lesson You showed me….was for me. (I have to tell you, Lord….I hate when that happens!!) When I am teaching or advising, I like to think I have a corner on it , because most of the time, I’ve been there.  And….You have given wisdom to me to help me through. Boy, do I ever still have a lot to learn. Just a week ago, maybe two…..I watched an interview with a servant of Yours called Helen Roseveare. Without looking back, I think that’s it.  She just said some things that exploded in my being. I think she’s in her late eighties now…..but her wisdom of how You ministered to her in her darkest hours will forever resonate with me.  I can’t even relate to her situations, partially because she was a missionary in Africa…..a doctor…..well-respected and loved by the People she worked with….and then forced to face the annihilation of many of these same people, facing the torture of herself  and the humiliation of rape….again, for herself.  I could barely make myself listen to her words. It killed my heart that she suffered in such a way. I knew that the words she said were vital for me to remember.  I listened as she felt that You were sort of silent!  I think she felt alone in her torture and cried out…. “Where are You?”

I am sustained by the fact that You gave her an answer in the midst of her horror.  Although it was not exactly being rescued by the cavalry…..It was a “privilege” for her to allow You to use her body as a sacrifice for You. Phillipians 3:10 was Your message to her. “  “ …..that I may know Him And the power of His  resurrection ….. and the PRIVILEGE to share in Your suffering…. “ .  It was at that time You gave her her “Mission Statement” .  That’s how I see it.  You said to her in the midst of all this chaotic turbulence she was in…..” Can you thank me for trusting you with this experience…..even if I never tell you why?”  

I’m telling You, my dear One…..I can only conclude that if I have to serve You in a way that no one would consider “a privilege”…..then I can only trust and believe that Your strength and wisdom would infill me…..at that exact time.  Even if You never tell me why.  

Serving You this long is why I can say it.  But, I barely know how to end this prayer.  It makes me afraid.  This is an honest statement.

I pray in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Dear One…..I guess You already know, my birthday was a couple days ago.  You know last year, I felt so mournful that I “soon would be 80 years old” that I could barely enjoy my day.  I know! 

Lord, I find it stupid that “the number” is so intimidating.  I found that the 13th day of July just was so special to me this year.  I woke to thanking You for my life and that I woke up well. 

“I find” myself blessed beyond measure…..pressed down, shaken together, and running over, will be poured into your lap. This verse, from Luke 6:38, (I’m not even sure I understand it all)….. is all I can think of.  I feel like  I need to keep my “grandma apron on” to hold all of the wonderful blessings in.  She always used it to hold all the eggs she collected and/or flowers or too ripe vegetables from her morning trek. When John died, Lord…..I felt that everything stopped.  My hope, my plans, my future…!  The next day, I was still breathing.  I had different children leading me, telling me, showing me things to do, plans that had to be made, phone calls  and all that goes with taking care of arrangements. After all of that chaos ended and I was really alone….I could hearYou.  Very softly and ever so slightly You were moving me to a new way of thinking.  

As I view my life after three years without the man that married me August 22, 1964…..I can’t get over how I have allowed You to refuse to let me crawl in a hole….I really wanted to,You know!  Okay…. I have to admit, You did allow me a few days of doing that. After a few months, I began to ponder the question asked me by one of my son-in-laws.  “ Would you consider coming to live with us? “  A questionI would never have dreamed he would ask me.  It really takes a quiet place….and a time of seclusion to pray earnestly for Gods will to be revealed and to follow His leading.

Lord, You have given me a home, within my own daughters home.  A place where I feel content, fulfilled, and happy.  Why not not confess that?  I am as blessed as anyone could be without the love of my life with me.  

My 79th birthday was probably one of the nicest of my whole life.  A party at work with my workmates. Dinner out with a few friends and family, with live music playing.  It was wonderful fun.  And, loud!  But Lord, it was so nice.  Having two birthday cakes wasn’t too bad either!  Thank You, dear Lord, for allowing me this privilege.  I really consider it a gift from You. Sooo….thank You for giving it….throughYour emissaries!

What can I do for You, dear Lord?  I will try to seek out a few  places out of my comfort zone to serveYou.  I say this in “fear and trembling” for fear You really will. Going to see the film “The Sound of Freedom” is one of those things I’m afraid to do…..and I supposeYou can think of.

I will try to honorYou, in all I do….say…..and think.

This letter is to the glory of You, Lord.  I write it in the name of Jesus.  There is no name under Heaven that exudes such authority. 

Amen.

  

   In Psalm 34:18 , it says….” The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

 When she called, Lord….I could barely process the words she was saying, in my mind.  My own daughter was telling me that her precious son, our “Bailey Boy” had taken his life and she had found him.  

To hear your child wail in such a place of agony, is truly what the description of agony is, I think.  How I wish I could have carried this pain for her. 

This verse, Lord….has gotten me through some hard places. I have imagined myself thrown across my bed in such deep despair thinking these words were written just for me. “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself, intercedes for us through groans too deep for words.”  (Rom.8:26)

 Now, I know….You go before….behind and beside us. How could this boy/man leave us like this.  How could He feel so unworthy to live. We’ll never know the reasoning. We could see that  he was such a great father to his little twin daughters. I wonder if they will ever have a memory of his wonderful smile. Lord, I’m asking you to take care of that for me.  

While we await Your coming back to get us… I need You to provide wisdom to help encourage, to acknowledge the grief and to stop thinking about “the right words to say” and to just listen through the tears. Tears are a language only You can understand.  Each of the family is mourning this loss.  But You Lord, grieve with us.  You know the needs of each one.

“First things first, I seek Your will….not my own….surrender all my wants to You….Surrender all my wants to You…keep the first things first.  To live Your truth, walk Your ways, set my eyes….Lord, I fix my face on You….all my desires reversed…..to keep the first things first.”

I’m not sure, Lord how all of this fits together.  These words are a part of one of our praise songs and it has been going through my mind.  That told me that I needed to write.  Like now. I couldn’t even drink a cup of coffee first.  Until this,  I realized all I could ever manage to say was “help”…..not even “HELP”!  I’ve really not had the strength.  Lord, it is so very depleting.  I think the enemy of my soul is such an awful being. I’m a senior adult. I’ve been in  “The Lords Army” forever….yet, he still thinks I’d be such a prize for him….it’s maddening to me that I have to fight him off like the vicious dog he is!  But, I know all of us who love You, have to do the same thing. EvenYou, Lord.  I wonder….if he thinks he is so much wiser than You….why hasn’t he gotten the message that he’s lost the battle!

You are the Master of the wind.  You are all we need.  I regret that I forget too often that You are.  As I continue to live for You, strengthen my resolve to be the Christian woman You planned for me to be. The years I’ve lived, I pray, Lord… that You will consider me to have been faithful. I will, with You helping me, to continue.

I pray in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

Lord…..here I am.  Reluctantly I say, “Send me!”

For goodness sake, I fear You could turn Your back!  I don’t deserve Your love or Your mercy! Yet You give me all that and more. Love. Mercy. Grace. My excuse is that forever (it seems), I have done all and more of what has been asked of me…..rarely saying “no”.  Of course, saying “yes” and complaining about my weariness sort of makes me a poor candidate for anything.  Often I have thought about who You use when I fail to come through for You.  The fact that You use another because I have failed or just said that I could not, makes me feel like I should sit in the corner for a while.

How do I discern what it is that You need me to do for You and/or my desire to show others how important I am to You.  It is ridiculous to put those thoughts into words….I think it shows great shallowness.  It also opens the door to unneeded accusations from the enemy of my soul.  He has great delight in making us feel like failures.

The fact that I have tried for years to fulfill the plans You have for me…..and do hope I have made a positive difference.  Lord, I remember when Mom was in such a tenuous place the last years of her life.  I know after Dad died, her sorrow in losing the love of her life, I never really understood.  One can try, but that grief is only known by one who has known it personally.  Lord, then after her life was so dramatically changed….so many wondered what good You could derive from her situation.  It was a traumatic time…..boy, Lord…..I can’t even believe howYou took me through that nightmare. After all was said and done…..she lived 4 more years. Not being able to move….dependent on a ventilator to breathe…..unable to speak…..what could You do with that?  Also, that last year she was in an unconscious state….so there was no more communication.

I remember so well the day You showed me how You worked through her life…..as broken as it was.  I walked into her room at the rehab center where she stayed and saw a favorite nurse which had been placed on another wing.  She’d probably worked on mom’s side many months.  We all liked her so much. I excitedly asked if she would be coming back to work with my mom. “No!”, she replied. “ when I am upset or need a break to just breathe a little, I just walk down here to Sylvia’s room.  When I see her, I see peace!”

A lightbulb went on in my being.  God will find a way.  He does that.  

I guess I will just let You run the show of my life…..I guess as I always (mostly) have.  If we give You our selves, in total commitment, then You have the reins.  Lead on, dear One. 

I pray in the name of Jesus.  Amen.