"TO BE LIKE YOU, LORD!! PLEASE!"

Okay, Lord.......so I finally manage to get through the "red tape" of getting online....(sometimes so slow)  and because of the delay, forget what I'm on here for ( : ( ) and find myself  looking at the "Bible Gateway" site that gives me the verse for the day.  It's from Ephesians, chapter 6, verses 12 and 13.  I read "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the Rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world  and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.   Therefore, put on the whole armor of God so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything.....to stand."   Sheesh, Lord......scare me to death, why don't You!
I started out having a pretty good day.....and now I am wondering....."Who's coming?  Or, calling?  Or, what is ahead?  I guess I feel a little shaky in the knees after that.....yet, who am I talking to?  Yep.....it's You , dear One.  And, I can stop with the "OOOh , what's happening? stuff!  I know You, Lord.  I am Yours.  And, You are not allowing one thing that You will not be overseeing.  Please.....  Please, help me remember that fact.  You have in the past and I know I can count on You to do it for me now and in the future.  I love You, Lord.  I lift my heart and voice to You and give You praise for all of it.  The good and the bad.  It is what makes me....me!  I do wonder at times if You knew what You were doing when You created me.....but, You have given me tools to use to better my life and my heart.....and all that goes with it.  Some of the work has been done and I've seen the change in my behavior....I'm not sure that anyone else has.....and for me that has always been such a tender issue.  I leave it all to You, Father.  To insist that You change me into what You never planned for me to be is foolish.  I've asked on more than one occasion for You to help me "be this" or " that"  or something else entirely than who I am.....and I find that when You do for me what I ask...... I am not any more fulfilled than I was before the change.  Lord.....I hesitate writing so "outloud" for fear of the
misunderstanding others may feel,  but I know You are "getting it".  My goal, has forever......been, to be the instrument that will carry out the plan You always had for me and the life You have given me.  To try to deter from that plan will only make me unfit.
 The responses that I have.....You know, Lord......those "first thoughts" that enter my mind when hearing, seeing, experiencing any given situation......are often ones that I need to correct, I feel.  I read a devotional recently that at first, I deleted.  (I righteously thought...."Well, that doesn't apply to me!")  After all, it was entitled something like "Mean Girls".   I  decided to go into my "trash" and locate what I thought did not "apply to me".  Oh, Lord.....I regret to inform You that I have slighted You and Your kingdom by my sly and unkind "wit"!!  I have misused my authority as a mother, wife and leader  in "leading the pack" in our conversation by not sifting the words that come out of my mouth.  I've decided to hold myself accountable to You and my family that I would not say disparaging things about others or their situations.  Whoever made the statement...."It isn't gossip.....it's all true!" should be smacked.  Unkind is unkind.  I need to be like You, Lord.  All the time.  Hmmm......I wonder, Lord.....how to do this, all the time.  I need to be less judgmental.....more compassionate.....more empathetic.....and careful in the comment department.  Perhaps to just "ZIP IT!"  is preferable.  Yeah.....I know.  Now, I've gone and done it.  I've let the cat out of the proverbial bag!  I'm afraid all my friends and acquaintances will see this and know for sure I am a fake.
 Lord......You know the heart that beats inside me.  You supply the physical health for it to beat and sustain my life.  But, You, dear One.....also supply the spiritual breath the gives me the life I crave and need....... to play my instrument for You.  Whether the notes are loud and resonating or soft and in-filling......the music is for You , Lord.  I will maintain a steadier, healthier beat for You and that kingdom of Heaven I am planning and working for.  All I have said.... asked for ..... I ask in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

You know, my Lord.....I continue to be amazed at the wonder of Your power to heal our hearts and minds when we ask.  You, above all, are the source I can depend on.  There are so many times I attempt to understand....and explain and then, realize nothing is healed.  To try and try and try again is futile.  No medicine heals this fever.  If left to our own resources, the damage that occurs to the brain is (almost) permanent.  The mind seems to be permanently scewed.  Why are we so determined?  What is the point of giving those that disagree with us the same disease.  Oftentimes, I am unaware of the regrettable sound of words that try to make a difference and are not really ever heard or accepted.  You know, Lord.....a few years ago I decided since I was over 40 (or maybe it was 50), I'd start expressing "my" opinions and "my" reasoning of any subject or situation.  Until then, I really just nodded my affirmations to not cause any
undue attention.  Anyone who knew me,  suddenly weren't too sure they knew who I was anymore, Lord.
I had an opinion and I wanted someone to hear it. And now,  Lord,  You know what?  I think I would like to go back to the old me.  Since I am not always the "voice of reason", and can't predict the future.....I'm thinking the old "head-in-the-sand" position is more my style.  At this stage of my life, I have  15 decent years left.  Maybe a few more, or a few less.  But, nothing is worth the trouble of being labeled in an unattractive fashion.....I realize Lord.....I COULD BE WRONG!    I lay my anxieties at Your feet.  I want so much to be the servant You need me to be.  If I didn't have to talk to people I'd be fine.( I really do think this at times).
Or, would I?  Could You give me the power?  Would You give me the hope?  Would You give me the energy?  Because, if You would......I know I could make it.  I believe You could and would.  I know the heart thoughts I bare and share with You are important  to You.  I am Your child. What concerns me,  concerns You.   Give me the peace I pray for.  For this and all I ask for.....I ask in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

Hi dear One......I am calling on You today because I am filled with anxiety about concerns.  The concerns are not huge....just troublesome.  You know, the gnawing feeling that something isn't quite right.  I have always wondered  about how to discern what is necessary to bring into my day to day prayer time.....and because I haven't taken the time.....I just bombard You with it all.  I've always assumed since You are in charge of me.....You should know about it all anyway.   Yesterday, I went out awhile.
I asked that I would be Your instrument while I was gone.  In the conversation I shared with the others I met with, I "planned" on being quiet and to just listen.  I was bothered later, when I realized I just entered into the conversation as most folks do.....and then, later, thought I should have maintained my usual silence.  I am beginning to see that my words, thoughts and "outloud" feelings.....are not all that often taken in the way I mean them.  Hence, that misunderstanding requires my explaining.....therein lies more words spoken than necessary.  I am so often trying to explain "what I mean" that I would much more like to cease conversation.   And, then too, Lord........You and I have this nice connection and conversation that I almost always "get".   Of course, too......I love NOT having to explain myself to You.  Everyone has their own "truth".  Sometimes I hear it and agree.  And, there are times when I hear it and don't agree.  I guess what I need Lord, is for You to suggest, ie:
nudge, shove or implant the importance of responding or not.  Why is it important for me to express my thoughts to one who may find my words unimportant, stupid, or senseless.  And, why....after all these years of keeping my thoughts between You and me, do I find it "necessary" to speak them aloud.
Lord.....I spoke of this in my last "outloud" letter.  I want to make sure that my heart and mind are in sync.  No glory to me.  No kudos.
These days are for You, Lord.  We need to place our trust in You.  You are the provider of wisdom. You give us the blessings we enjoy.  I have never doubted that or discounted it.  Give me Your favor
that is for me to enjoy today.  Give me Your words.  Give me a heart like Yours.  Give me Your spirit of discernment to know what is right for me.  Help me to realize that what is right for me, is not always necessarily the right way for someone else.  I know I am in a position of leadership.  I only want to speak "the truth" that You need spoken.  My ideas aside.  The "I think(s)"are really not what other folks need to hear from me.  Lord.....if I knew what I was talking about, You'd be disgusted with me......BUT, I don't......so , You have free reign to lead me into the truth You have for me today.  I will be watching for Your instruction......and leadership.....and anything else You would choose to throw my way.  I need You, Lord.  More than I did yesterday.  Open the eyes of my heart, Lord.  Give me Your peace for me today.  I ask all and speak in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

SO.....What do YOU want ME to do?

Well, here is my dilemna.  I have the tools.  I have the desire (most of the time).  I want to please You.  I love to do things that please You.  I like the warmth of Your smile on my face.  What is it I can do that will give me peace and You, dear One , a little "worry-free rest".  I know it is impossible for You to be weary or worried.....but, You know what I mean, Lord.  Just once I'd love for You to not be concerned that I am going to NOT be the instrument for You that You planned for me to be.  Forget the sentence structure , Lord.  You know my heart and my desire to please You.  There are many times I have failed and I know You  could recite this, chapter and verse, but You hear the cries of my heart...... and see my hearts desire as I view it......You also know the level of understanding I have in doing what You plan for me to do for You.  Understanding the whole picture is often what keeps me from following through.....so often.  Of course then, the devil wins.  I have gone off on a tangent, close by and all very legitimate, but not in Your plan for me at all.   Help me to remain focused on what I find that You are pressing me to do! " Understanding the whole picture is not what I need to focus on".  You know what, Lord?  I'll just bet I would look at You and say (silently of course!)  "No way, Jose!"  Understanding Your plan......seeing the end from the begining......?  Forget it.  It's interesting and enlightening to  see what You allowed to happen and how "all things work together for our good and Your glory......".   This is usually always misunderstood.  How many times I have heard someone we are ministering to ......quote or partly quote that verse and ask ....."How could this possibly work out to be for my good and God's glory?"  And, Lord.....I usually have no answer.  Atleast not one that I would consider "insightful".  ( Regrettably Lord, I often try to impress with my "wisdom". Sorry.)
 
Thank You Father for the promise of bright hope for this new year.  Pleasing You and nurturing the seeds that have been planted throughout the last year are my goal.  I realize my ambition to serve You wisely and effectively is a bit over-dramatized......but,  I want to assure You my desire is true.  Give me Your power, Lord.  Implant Your favor on me today.  Bless me as I need to be blessed.  I give You complete reign.

For You......I ask all in the name of Jesus.  And, Your will to be done, ultimately.  Amen.