I never will understand it Lord.  Trouble is everywhere.  The news.  The places we frequent.  The people we know.  Even the church.  Someone is always unhappy.  Someone is always ticked off about the behavior of someone else.  Someone is always something.  Very rarely do we find folks.....happy or joyful or pleased with their life.  And, when we do.....we're almost....trying to find something wrong.  Or.....is this just me and my dazzling personality again?  Lord....what is it?

I guess Lord, the problem I find irksome, is that the scriptures mean different things to different people.  I see, Lord, that so often You provide answers for us in ways we never even thought of.....and there are also times when You are so quiet in our quest to have an immediate solution, we tend to give up.  I get so annoyed when I think about the Israelite nation.....how needy and unfulfilled they were on a consistent basis.  You'd listen and reply to their cries and give them what they wanted and then, just a few days later, and they were complaining because they wanted something else or something more.  The reason I said...."I get so annoyed...." is because I concluded a few years ago, I may have been in that group of complainers....and it bothers me.  Lord, I know what happened to them.  Please, Lord.  Change my heart.  Especially when I find myself in that state.  I don't want to be like that.  Lord, I want each day to be a new surprise for me.  One where I wake up and see that I have been blessed to wake up and see another one.....and then, find a way to please You in going about my day.  This is where I have failed so often.  I hesitate stepping out of the box I am so comfortable in.  I am good at nesting.....and love to place all I am comfortable with....in that box.  When I feel threatened or afraid....I want to hole up.  Lord, help me to not be fearful to reach out....to love and express that to those who need me. The thoughts that plague me....the problems that everyone faces....tend to always land me in the throes of depression.  I  have to believe something, Lord.  That scripture that gave me light today was from Phillipians 4:8.  It tells me to "fix my thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable"......and to "think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise".  I guess, Lord, I have to stop concerning myself with what others feel "the truth" is.  I suppose I should realize that the enemy will use anything to confuse and decieve.  I believe it.

Father, all I write today...I speak in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

"Seems like all I could see was the struggle.....", the song starts.  Nearly three hours ago, Lord.....I opened my computer to write.  Games, Facebook, Advertisements, G-Mail.....all came up with no problem.  Until I clicked on the blogsite to "create new post"......and nothing would work.....I knew that again, I would have to struggle to write You a letter.......and post it.  Yes, that particular word , "post" or  "publish".  That seems to be the key word.  The enemy will not win.  I guarantee it.

Father, I do weary of the struggle.  Why, when I have told the enemy over and over, laid all of my burdens  at Your feet and feel a sense of real peace......WHY, does he still (the enemy) make my attempts to talk to You so difficult.  "My" prayer (?) causes him that much trouble?  I think he must be desperate.

Could You show me what is important to concentrate on today.  I want to be Your disciple today.....whether it is for my benefit.....or someone else's.  You know what I need to do....You know what I want to do......and You know the importance of both.  How it all gets done is up to You.  To be honest, Lord.....this couch feels pretty good right now.  I've been up awhile.....after I've finished my devotions and watched the morning news and the etcettera's that go with it......I usually  need a nap!  But, today seems a little different.  A little detached.  I've stopped to go get the phone.  I've stopped to make my husband a nice breakfast (which he usually never asks for...)  and then, another stop to get dressed in case someone knocks on the door.  "So.....here I am to worship.....here I am to bow down....here I am to say that You're my Lord.....You're altogether lovely ......altogether worthy......wonderful to me......".   "I love You, Lord......and I lift my voice.....to worship You.....Oh, my soul.....rejoice.....take joy, my King.....in what You hear.....may  it be a sweet, simple sound.....in Your ear." . Song after song, verse after verse, resonate with the sound of Your presence filling the air.  I love to hear it.  "There is a name I love to hear......I love to sing it's worth.....It sounds like music in my ear.....the sweetest name on earth."

I wanted to talk to You, Lord, about that devotional I read this week.  I read so many....about so many different areas of our lives.....I sometimes forget.  But, I wrote this down.  Joni's devotionals speak to me almost as much as me praying them.  Sometimes.  Sometimes, I click "delete" because  I just don't get it.  I used to get so upset about that.  And, now I think I understand.  When I am "older" and "wiser", You will give me stronger medicine.  I love that You understand me so well and give me what I can handle.  Anyway, Lord.....I saw the one about physical and emotional pain.  The differences and which one is the hardest to manage.  I realize, Lord, that the subject can't really be dealt with until you are in the thick of it.  And, then, afterwards to analyze your feelings. I realize too, Lord, that just because it is in black and white on a printed page, doesn't make it true for you.  I praise You for the battles that this woman has fought and won.  Because of them and her devotion to You, she is a light for many, many Christian's to follow.  Her battles to fight and win over her paralysis, and depression, and loneliness, and surgeries, illnesses and sores that plague her......well, Lord......it should encourage anyone who tastes just a little bit of the suffering she has gone through. In her plight to manage real pain, the gnashing of teeth kind......versus the emotional and mental anguish or heartache; she has compartmentalized them into two separate issues.  I understand....I think.  I've never encountered the long, drawn out and exhausting pain some suffer.  Only in childbirth.  To suffer long term, day after day, 24/7, is something I know nothing about.  But, Lord, the emotional anguish and heartbreak....I and many others, can empathize with.  I quote from her devotional....."but the suffering that takes place inside is another matter.  You can't put mental anguish or heartache behind you.  Those hurts create an energy of emptiness that refuses to pushed or crowded out of your thoughts.  It gnaws away at the inner core of your being.  It bites.  It grinds away at your sanity."

Lord.....I have felt this.  I understand this.  And, I think a good share of people have.  To have a place to put ourselves when we feel this kind of pain....I feel is a matter of life and death.  Lord, if it is only Your lap that I can crawl up onto; and hug Your neck;  or just wait for You to wrap Your arms around me.....then, that's where I want to be.  To disappear into You, until You feel I am strong enough to walk on my own.  That is the place where I have been.....and You have done that for me.  And, I praise You.  I thank You that I have never felt like You have pushed me away and scolded me because I'm too old for this kind of behavior now.  I thank You, Lord.  I thank You.

You are my God.  I worship and adore Your name.  I ask and speak of all that concerns me....in the name of Jesus Christ.....son of the living God.  Amen.

Dear One.....I tried this morning.  I thought it would be a good way to start the new year.  I woke up at five.....all systems were "go" and nothing would work in our world of computers.  Now, I feel like I need to get this done before midnight. 
Lord, You are so very aware of the desires of my heart.  You know my need(s).  You are privy to every secret I have.  I appreciate the fact that I can tell You what I need to share with You.....and You do not judge what I say......how I say it......and the intent that sort of colors it all.  I guess too often, I feel, out loud.  It doesn't always go over very well.  In my mind and heart, I feel very free to express myself to You.  I love ignoring what everyone is trying to avoid talking about.....and talk about it.  I like to let the monster  come out of the closet.  When I can face "him" with You at my side....I feel I am the winner.  When I can talk about what frightens me to death......I believe I can survive it.  I think You know exactly what I mean, Lord.  
I was skimming a magazine yesterday.....and saw in bold print....."Finding Joy in Ten Easy Steps".  First, I perused their ideas of  "how-to's" and immediately thought about the spiritual angle of this.  The difference's of joy and happiness.  To have happiness, and not be joyful......or to be joyful.....and not very happy.  To analyze right now, I can't seem to think clearly.  It's late and I want to get this done by midnight.....but, Lord (?) I find that I'm not always happy.....but , I do have the joy You give from having peace and security in You.  I want so much Lord to have that "Joy" that comes from serving You and being an instrument for You......even though an uncertain future is scary and "being happy" isn't how I would describe myself all the time, I want to.
"Lord, I want to be pleasing to You, in everything I do.....and I want to love You more.....more than words can say.  You gave Your life, You lived and died, for me......for me.  Now the least that I can do.....is live my life for You."  This song, Lord, is my song to You for this coming year.  The children sang this is VBS this summer and I latched onto it for dear life.  I love what it says.....and I mean to live for You always.
I pray this in the name of Jesus, Amen.  Lord, it's January 1st still....11:59pm. And, Amen.