It's Not As Dark Now....

Lord, it's still dark....and I still feel tired but here I am.....I've come to find You. It's seeming more and more like when I awake, I have this black cloud hovering over me. I need for You to

lift this off of me. I seem to be going through the motions of living....doing what I'm supposed to

be doing (most of the time) but not really cognizant of all that's going on. Sometimes, I think it's

the "doing-too-much" factor. And, then, I realize that most people are on overload. At church,

there's always just the same few that do the work that needs to be done, whether they are tired

or not.

Probably my "mood" is affected by the fact that within just a few days, two gentlemen of our

church have died. One of them was my age. He was always quite active in the softball team of

the church....managed the team umpteen years and spread his love for You and the church the

best way he knew how. He was always at the door of the church, welcoming whoever would

walk in....and in his way, protecting us all. I am sure Lord, that is one of the things You called

him to do....and he did it well. He was dependable. He was always on time. He guarded the

premises fiercely. Besides missing him at church , I think of his wife. His grandsons and his
granddaughter, his two sons and daughter not withstanding, and his son-in-law and daughter -
in-law. His wife fought the brave fight right along with him. She attended to every need he had.
She moved heaven and earth to make his movement to and from wherever he needed to go a
little easier. I was so touched by the attention to every detail of his comfort she had the power
to fix. Saying the words in the vows....."....in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part"....takes
on special meaning when you see someone really do it. It is going to be so different now. This
man was the life of his family. And, Lord....You have to step in to fill that gaping hole he has
left behind. His wife will feel this emptiness surrounding her. You can sustain her and I ask
that You will do that. Show her the place You have for her to fill now. It scares me to think
I may walk in that valley one day. My only solace is to know that You have done this for
countless individuals who have lost their loved one too.
These moments that we have to face and at times, stumble through, are not new. They are
places that everyone has to walk through in life. The comfort of having someone by your side
to love and depend on is a gift that You provided us with long ago. Your plan to create Eve for
Adam, so he wouldn't be alone was the beginning. You saw that it was good for man not to be
alone. Together, a force to be reckoned with. I guess, Lord, Your plan went out the window in
some cases but for the most part, it was a beautiful design by You.
Thank You , Lord, for giving us such wonderful gifts. A world designed by seasons. The earth
and it's beauty. The heavens and the vastness of the oceans, too....are all about as masterful
as anyone could dream.
You have provided us with the wealth of knowlege and gifts of friendship and comraderie with
many people.
Would You show me how to continue to please You in my own life. To many, a drop in the
bucket compared to what is around me....yet, somehow Lord, You impress on me in many ways,
my importance to You. Thank You for Your great love....and the plan of salvation, and the life
we can have in You, eternally. I praise You, Lord. I love You, Lord. Thank You for the
promise of Springtime. A brighter day. Hope for tomorrow. And, finally....help me to not waste
this day. It is a day You have created for me to live, work and make the day better for someone
else. I pray this and lay my cares at the foot of the cross....in the name of Jesus. Amen.

"O, What a Savior! The Gift of all Gifts"

It's early Christmas morning, Lord. "Rejoice in the Lord, always....and again I say rejoice! .....for
unto you is born, this day in the city of David, a Saviour which is Christ the Lord......and is name is Jesus.....for He is born to save His people from their sins.....". And, for me, Lord.....born to set
me free and live in peace with all men, as is humanly possible. Why, Oh why.....is that so hard
for us to do.....Mia Angelo.... wrote once ....."Do you want to have peace, or do you want to be
right?". Lord, I know it isn't scriptural, but it sure is true, isn't it? That's all you have to do for
some relationships....just keep your mouth shut. Sometimes, I have a little trouble here. You
know, Lord....there have been times, when I rattle off my "views" and not one bit of it is heard by ANYONE....SO, I conclude that I should just let you do the communication part of it, when
and IF you ever deem necessary. You and I tend to be right, are we not!! (heehee) Lord, I only
wish. Thank you, Lord....for the plan of salvation layed out for us, from the manger in
Bethlehem to the cross of Calvary to the ascension to the right hand of Your Father, Lord. What
a gift we are presented with.....the endless joy of true peace in the midst of the storms of life
that can put us to our knees and often, out of commission entirely. Thank You that the gift
You presented us with on Your birthday, allows us to enjoy the fruits of Your labors. To under
stand the gift of salvation is not possible for me. I merely accept what You have given, with
the most careful attention to detail, as I unwrap this beautiful present. Just to pull the end of
the bow....a brilliant burgundy red (as I see it) to untie it.....to carefully remove the white
covering and lay it aside....(perhaps to just keep as I often do many things).... I see that the life
you have presented me with is more....excessively more, than I could ever have dreamed or
imagined. I know that my choices throughout my time here on earth have placed flaws in the
delicate, precision planned scenario for my life.....but , I also know that the broken pieces I have
handed You at times, have been created into the most beautifully designed mosaic I've ever seen
or even envisioned. I have read scenario's of this sort before....each worded in such a way to
express the emotion of the writer at the time. For me, and the words that make up my vocabu-
lary.... this is the best I can come up with.
To open a gift, perhaps, even this morning after everyone arises, is to view the presentation...
the content....the thought behind it....and the ultimate use of the gift. Therein , seeing what my
application to the gift given to us by Your Father in Heaven. The presentation is priceless...the
content is peace personified...the thought process behind it is incalculable...and the plan to put
this gift into good, fruitful use, is the most important part of it. I pray, Father....that I would
continue to put to good use, the gift You presented to me many years ago. I love that You love
me. I love that You have blessed me with such a priceless plan. I will never tuck this away in
a drawer, and forget what I did with it. I will forever wear this as armor to head into battle
or glean from the precepts as I lay quietly for strength to resume.
The power of the Cross, the hope for a brighter tomorrow, the Joy of my salvation....are all
aspects of the gift. I will forever be grateful for it. I bless Your name , O Lord. You are the
God of my salvation.
I praise Your name and ask, as per usual, Your blessing on this day....in essence, the day we
celebrate Your birth. I love You, Lord....and I lift my voice , to worship You. Amen.

seen.

Gathering the Manna.....(don't save any!)

It's always this way, Lord. Too much to do in too short of a time frame. It's the usual scenario
for me....although, I could change it if I really wanted to. Lord, I do have some legitimate excuses. Do You want to hear them? I could, but I won't. I'll just have to work double-time...
plus perhaps lose some sleep. But, I awoke at 2:35 this morning. I was dismayed to see the
clock with that display on it. I'll be taking cat naps all day to recover. There is much to pray
about today as usual. We are always coming to You for the strength and wisdom to get through
the day. And, as You always do....You give us what we need, when we need it. I've noticed, Lord, that You have a tendency to not give us an over-abundance of what we ask for....but,
just enough. You know I have a tendency to save things.....I'd probably have boxes full of love,
strength, wisdom, healing, etc., if You provided an overflow. (And then I would probably forget
where I put them) I recall that You provided the
Israelites with whatever they asked for....all the time. I recall how You suggested that they only
gather enough manna for the day's needs. Not to be stored away, for a "snack" later or a few
weeks down the road when it looked like there might not be enough to eat. I also recall how the
food You provided, spoiled, when they were disobedient and gathered more than they needed
anyway. I sort of loved it when You got Your point across to this unhappy bunch of
ingrates. And, I hate it when I think that I could possibly be in that group that thought I could
get away with gathering more than I knew my family would need....and try to stash it so it could
be used later if I thought we needed it. Lord, I save stuff all the time that I think I will surely
use later....and often do (need it) and can't find it anywhere. I've torn more rooms apart looking
for something I wanted....knew I had....and finally gave it up. Lord, there are things I need to
change. There are things, important things, that I need to work on to make my life richer for
You. There are things that encumber me....bind me down....worry me....drag me to a slow
crawl. I would love to be able to think of something I want....something I put away because I
knew I could use it again. Then, I want to go open THE drawer, or THE closet, or THE box....
and pull it out and smile.....hmmm.....is this possible, Lord? Well, we'll see, won't we? And, I
think before I ever get that accomplished.....I'd love to remove any unsavory spiritual debris
I've attracted over the years. There are so many opinions from so many of Your servants and
ideas from books written for centuries....all of them, touting another way to look at the inspired
word of God, instead of the way I see it. I'd like to clear out this debris, so that You can talk to
me and I will not be encumbered by everyone else's opinion on what I am concerned about,
spiritually speaking. I have always had a tendency to have "sort-of" an opinion....listen to other
ideas about the same....and then, think, "Well, that's another way to look at it....maybe they are
right." Lord, I'd like to have confidence in the fact that when You present me with Your words
in a devotional, or scriptural text, and I study it believing that it is something You want me to
know and learn....that the way I am seeing it is the way You know I will understand. I think
people forget that You saw me being formed in my Mother's womb.....You, Lord....know exactly
how I am wired and how I understand what You are showing me. I know there are many areas
I have an opinion....and try to explain it to someone....and they look at me as if I hadn't been
speaking, and ........ uh.....Lord, thank You that You know what I mean. I am grateful. Even-
though I can't see You, I know You understand my heart thoughts. And, so.....
I give You my heart....I give You my soul....I live for You alone....every breath that I take and
every moment I'm awake....have Your way in me.
As I reread my thoughts, I can see I go from the spiritual to the everyday and back again....and
yet I can think of no better way for You to show me that Mary and Martha, Dorcas, Ruth, and
perhaps, Naomi....had the same difficulties as I. When I think that the wealth of ideas, precepts
and opinions were as numerable as todays, then I am encouraged to believe that You minister
to all of us as we can understand. For all my thoughts, I ask Your guidance and wisdom as I
go through the day. In your name, I ask all requests........amen.

I Need You More....than ever before!

I don't feel too much like writing today, Lord. But, I feel that there are so many things I should do
today that if I don't ask Your help and prioritizing things for me....I will lay down on the couch and take a nap. My bones ache. My spirit aches. My head aches. And, unless You pry me off
this place of respite....I will not be happy at the end of the day. No matter how sore I am, when
I get to the later hours of the day and I have crossed off the major part of a list....it makes me
feel ....well, like less of a loser. I'm sorry about saying that too, Lord. I know the devil loves it
when I badmouth myself. And, I've got to stop it. As Dr. Phil says to people all the time...."So,
tell me, what's your payoff for doing this?" and everyone looks at him and blinks, and says, "I
don't get a payoff." And, then he delves right into the "solution". Yeah, I guess I do get a payoff. Somebody usually says something like, " You really do too much ".....or ......"Why don't
you let someone help you". Like I said the other day to You....some attention is better
than no attention. I am in that category today, pathetic as it may be. And, so, I ask for Your strength to lift me to a
higher place than I could ever dream to be, today. I need You to lift me and carry me into the pursuits
I will find myself today. I am blessed to be receiving friends and family to our home through-
out the holidays. I want those who enter these doors to not only enjoy the lights and sounds
and warmth of Christmas but to feel the Christ of Christmas enveloping them, giving them
peace and strength. I have that responsibility. I want to do that part for You....preparing the
way, for your children. Right now, as I write, I think it isn't possible for You to do this for me.
The longer I sit here and write this letter to You....I find myself thinking, ...." after I finish this
letter I'm going to rest here for a few minutes" and then I'll get busy." I am maintaining to You
that I will not do this. I've got stuff to do. Now, Lord....now is when I need to stand up and
start walking. I guess I will start arranging furniture in the basement and then to decorate the
tree for down there. It's the Christmas present opening place for the family when they come.
Lord, for the traveling that starts today....for our family and friends....would you provide your
protective care....the angels that live among us , may they give us the nurturing touch of thanks-
giving and love for You as we go about our duties. Thank You that we can carry the torch for
You today. Some special gentlemen are suffering today....perhaps You are preparing the way
for them .....would You give them peace without pain and a sense of You nearby offering comfort
to them. The illnesses that plague Your people just deplete us. Give my husband the words
and wisdom to be the instrument You need him to be for You today. We are so blessed to be
Your servants this day. For now, I pray and say all in the name of Jesus, amen and amen.

The Suffering and Blessings: Life

I wish I could tell You, Lord about how my heart feels today. And then I remember.... I can. It's just
that writing takes a little longer and it's almost feels like....well, when I finally find the right word
to describe how I think I feel, I am onto another "feels like" arena. To anyone else, Lord....this
must make little sense. That's why I insist on taking my thoughts to You. Since You saw me
being created in my Mother's womb, You understand my thought process. I am thankful, Lord.
First for the fact that I am loved. I have not a doubt in the world that You are at the top of the
list. I am blessed beyond any measure I could have asked for. I always want that fact to stay at
the forefront of my mind. I wrote yesterday that my heart is saddened for the pain that friends
of ours are suffering. When people that are of your own generation are plagued with the cancers
of life, within and without, it takes such a toll.....not just on them....but for the cast of characters
that are watching and living through it. I asked yesterday, Lord, that You would grant them the peace You provide in the midst of such a storm. It definately is the "peace that passes
understanding" that we need to have to carry us through such a hard place. Our friends know
Your power.....and are aware of how important the blessings You provide us are. Simply put, we
often do not see blessings until we lose one. The ability to think. The wonderful provision of
eyes that can see the creations of Your hand. To hear the sounds of life, from a tweeting bird
to a hungry child crying.....are all blessings of life. To sleep soundly and wake up refreshed,
ready for a new day.....that is another. To crawl out of the warmness of a comfortable bed, and
walk to the bathroom or the kitchen, also warrants a blessing. To hold a pen to write down my
thoughts to You, is a blessing to me and I find now, a need. Suffering is not a place we would
enter into with an aura of excitement pinging through us. I find that when I have had to enter
this door, it hasn't been one I really want to open. It, first of all, usually scares me. And, often,
I tend to stay close to the door, hoping for a quick exit. On occasion, I've had to walk in and
force myself to keep moving, pretending that, even for a time, I can take it. With that in mind,
it's an "Act-as-If" game for me. If, perhaps, I can "act-as-if" that I can do this, I maintain that
with Your helping me, I can do whatever is laying in wait for me. It's hard to watch those we
see, day in and day out, walk into their door of suffering....and see the effects on their faces. You
know, without even asking a question, that their thought process never encountered this place
before. I am asking, Lord....that I would always be mindful that I may be next in the line of
applicants for this particular event. I have made broad statements in my life that I'd care to
never make again. Why is it, Lord, that people.....(me included) think that they would handle
the areas of angst and suffering in the lives of people, so much better, wiser, on and on to ad
nauseum?
I guess I notice the pangs of suffering especially when the delights of Christmas are everywhere
to the senses of our souls.....and it seems especially sorrowful. Suffering is suffering is suffering.
No matter when. No matter why. No matter to who. I want to always be mindful of the job
You may have for me to do. A word of hope. A touch. Just a look....perhaps without words is
all I can do. Whatever it is, Lord.....help me to remember to do what I would like done to me.
Carefully. Thoughtfully. Lord, my life is in You. My hope is in You. My joy is in You.
And, one more thing, Lord.....as I think about a small amount of suffering I did 32 years ago. I
remember praying the night before, "Lord, if You have no reason for making me wait another
day.....could we do this soon....?" I remember waking up to a great amount pressure and pain.
I thought, "Oh, my.....this is it!" As I went through that day.....I brought forth a newborn son....
and his name was John....and I could not believe that You had allowed me to deliver a son, after
the four beautiful daughters You'd given us. It was a blessing that arises out of short-lived suffering. You
blessed us. I am overwhelmed at the touch of Your kindness to my life. Thank You for the
son that You have allowed us to raise. December 12th, 1978 was a special day for our family.

All I have said to You today....the thoughts that I have put down on paper....disjointed as they
are, are the feelings that swirl in my mind today. Sometimes these have worth and sometimes
they don't.....but, they are my heart thoughts. Take them. Translate them if need be. And, all
in the name of Jesus, I pray.....amen and amen again

A Charge to Keep....A life lived for God

Thank you, Lord....for making this day one we will always remember....no matter what, our hearts praise you. We are

so very blessed to have been touched by this Godly woman. She was an example to us. She

loved us....and very often tried to change us....but, still maintained that "the Lord willing and Him tarrying long enough....we'd be in the best hands, if we turned our lives over to God. I am

thankful that she loved me and tried to help me in many ways. Her stories. Her testimony. Her

constancy in trying to be as close to You as she possibly could.....all of these, were her legacy to us. I am grateful and so very blessed to have known this woman 47 of my 66 years....therein

giving her time to imprint my life with herself. Thank you Lord for loving us all through these

years where I feel she perhaps fought her hardest battle. The aloneness. The lonely hours of

confused thinking. The tribute of herself to Your cause, Lord. The weariness of trying to adapt

to unfamiliar surroundings. The lack of all she ever knew and loved. The hope of a brighter day

I pray....is what You gave her to hang onto. Those times are the ones I have dreaded even for

myself one day. And, Lord....it is so often what most of us will deal with if we live any length of

time at all. We very seldom get to write the story of our own demise. We can hope that if

death is inevitable....then, it will be one of ease. Drifting off as if to sleep. The scenario is mostly

a prescribed plan....God knows us best. He gives us opportunity after opportunity to come to

Him....placing our lives in His hands....entrusting Him to place us in the areas we excel in to do

the best work we can for Him.....and often, we throw our own plans into the mix and God stands

back, allowing us to live as we want to....and then, when we find ourselves floundering He (if we

ask), saves us from ourselves.

Where am I , Lord? Have I gotten sidetracked with my own interests? Am I turning into a

lazy Christian? I find myself thinking occasionally....I have done that (whatever "that" is) for

years.....I think it's time someone else did their part! An edict that I make when I am just

too tired and worn out to do "one more thing". I ask Lord, again, that You would help me not

to fall into the devil's trap. I get sooo weary of asking for the same things, over and over again.

I also think that this is one of his trap's too. Like I can hear him saying, "Why do You think God

never saves you....all you ever do is whine and cry and ask him to do and do and do for you...if

you're such an awesome child of God You wouldn't have to ask for anything....and, well, if I were Him....I'd give up on you. You never learn.

You're a failure....that's why He doesn't bother with you anymore." Can You believe it Lord?

I fail often because I fall into that plan that satan himself devises for me. He, the king of con
games and confusion, doubt and depression.

Lord, I tell You and I vow to You that I will not allow this. As long as You give me a sane mind...

and breath to speak Your name....I will call upon the Name of the Lord.....as many times as I

want to. I will speak the name of Jesus to send the evil one away from my mind if even for a

time. He bugged You to death Lord. That's not a very spiritual statement....but, if You had to

put up with this icon of evil....then, I will do my best with You guiding me and strengthening me, to do the same.
On this day we lay our Mom 's body to rest in a cold grave. But, we know she has already seen You and
listened to You welcome her to her "heart's delight". We have been touched by Your love
and kindness in being part of her family. Thank You for this most gracious
blessing. Now....I feel that my job is to endure. To continue to encourage my family to follow
You. To look to You for all they need....and want. I thought that maybe this could be Your
charge to me. To glorify You in what I say. In what I think. In what I teach. In what I play.
I take on this directive from You and pledge my life to it.
You are my Lord. In You, I place my trust....just as my husband's mother did....forevermore.

The thoughts Lord....the feelings....the hope of living with You eternally are all blended into the
words You will understand.

Glory to Your Name, Oh Lord. I will praise You to the end of my days. I will see those that are

cheering me on one day. I pray and ask and believe in the Name of Jesus Christ. Amen.