I'm sorry, Lord.  I can't seem to wrap my brain around all that appears to be coming into view.  Many hopes, dreams, plans and derailments are flooding my thinking today.  Often, unwarranted.  And, more often than not......surprise attacks. Whether good or bad.....it still rocks me.  How do I respond?  How do I fix my face?  Actually, a mask might work.....or dark glasses!  I feel like a little kid.....just wishing I could close my eyes and no one could see me.  I thank You, dear One, for the privilege of serving You.  I have moaned and complained forever about being "the Pastor's wife"......yet, never imagined ever being anything but.  In fact, I am almost positive that is what You called me to do with my life. It mostly gives me a great deal of happiness and a sense of satisfaction and I mostly feel honored that You chose me to do this. You chose the man who would be my husband. You fulfilled so many areas of my life that I never even prayed about.  I never even thought about having children......and I had five.....?!#  Is that what You would call being "self-centered"? I suppose I am being a little hard on myself.  Everyone wants to find their way in life.  It embarasses me when I think about that, Lord. (The "self-centered" part.)  Yet, You remain God and remain running the show that is my life.  I am fulfilled in so many ways......and I  give You praise for allowing me to enjoy the gift of music in my life.....and the caregiving that I was allowed to do.  All I could have wanted or dreamed for.  You've given.  And, given some more.  I praise You for being my strength.  My tower of refuge.  

I do have issues though, Lord.  You are very aware, I know.  I sure do complain enough.....too much.  I told my husband last night that the enemy just plays havoc in my mind.  "Well", he says to himself, "If I can just place some doubt here.....and some pride over there.....".   I am tired of being the can that he kicks down the road......NO PUN INTENDED HERE, LORD!   I have just got to start calling out the supreme name of God.....plead the blood of Jesus.....and anything else I have to do to get him away from me.  After my class yesterday at church, I felt completely drained.  You see, satan loves to bring up issues that are "under the blood"......and of course, Lord......YOU  KNOW  THAT  all too well.  I do too.......don't I?  Why does he catch me off guard so much.  Why does he make me question the DECISIONS  I have made in the past.....and makes me "wonder" if I "really forgave",  and if I "really repented 'enough'?"  Lord, I pray and hope and thank You for the fact that You provide answers to me all the time.  If I am looking......hoping......praying?.......for answers.......You provide them.  Thankfully, I was listening.  I heard You.  Loud and clear.  You are a gracious, loving God and I thank You for helping me understand.  Thankfully, for me and You understanding that I need a picture drawn for me......You drew the picture......in words and in indelible ink.  Thank You.  I feel I can breathe again.  Onward and upward I go.....with Your grace, I pray.

And, Lord.....all I write and say to You.....I never mean to be disrespectful.  I just can be so obtuse.  I understand there are times You need to use Your outside voice....inside.
I pray in the name and will of Jesus Christ.  Amen.  P.S.  Lord, forgive me too for using my outside voice to You.....occasionally.  I hate it when John says,  "Why do you have to yell like that?"  "Who, me?"  I say.   YES! YES!  AND, YES!   I must be going deaf.  Yes, thats it.  Thats why I am talking so loud.  Help, Lord.  I need help all the time. Amen, again!

Lord.....I come to You, today.....to talk about a friend that You've  allowed to be in my life.  I have this need to talk to her and tell her how I feel. Sometimes it is hard to put our feelings into words.

I remember when I met her.  She was attending the church we were newly pastoring.  She and her husband were a vital part.  They were faithful and committed.  That alone, set them apart.

There were of course, dinners at their home.....after church potlucks....desserts shared.....games and good fellowship every time we met.  One day in particular I was invited by my friend to "take a ride".  She proceeded to just drive and  talk and vent her feelings on what she was going through at the time.  I was quiet.  I am a listener, by nature, so it wasn't hard....I was just touched.  I remember thinking....."I can't believe she is telling me this! 
"Wow! She must really trust me!", I thought.  And, that particular thought......endeared her even more to me.  It's not often people tell their heart thoughts.  Very few folks ever trust anyone enough to "tell" how they feel....and believe it will stay with that person.  I was  grateful she chose me.  I have often thought....."How do I help those in need?"  After a few years I've come to the conclusion that it is not necessary for me to have "answers" to the dilemmas that folks get themselves in.  I am grateful for finding that all people need..... most of the time.....is someone to listen to them.  They don't need my "expertise" on anything.  They don't need to hear a "story" from my past to liken it to how they may feel.  All is needed is a listening ear and perhaps a shoulder to cry on.  And, perhaps, a kleenex!

I knew then...that I would also be able to trust her.  I did find that she loved me and entrusted my thoughts to her heart.  She prayed for me and with me.  When You give us what we need.....sometimes, we  don't realize it.  I have , for many years, needed a friend that I could trust.  When she and her husband moved away from us.....I knew then what a loss it was to me.  But, I knew, having her cell phone number would keep her close to me.  For us both....it would be a lifeline.  I thank You, Lord, that I had this woman to talk to. 

Her life became very hard.....very fast.  After they moved to their retirement dream home......she found herself alone, without her love, in just a very few months.  She's never been the healthiest of souls.  She's always had health issues that threatened her life.  Lord, You've given her a loving heart....although very weak.  Her resources are limited to keep her well.  Her loving daughter is beside herself trying to make the best decisions...for her survival.


How in the world do You decide when our time is done here on earth, Lord?  It is sad when we are aware that the possibility of us living much longer is coming to an end.
Some see it as relief.  Some are ill prepared.  Some need a hand to hold.  Or is it, the other way around?  I guess none of us really know how close we have come to death and have been saved through Your intervention.  You are the master of our lives.  I trust You.  And, I trust You for the woman I call my friend. 

I thank You, Lord.....for her love.  I thank You for her kindness and generous spirit.  Her laughter and beautiful smile still ring in my heart.  Give her exactly what she needs.  Help her rest in the knowledge that she is totally in Your care.....and trusts You to make the best decisions for her and those she loves so much.

You are a gracious God.  We are loved.....because of You.

All of this I pray in the name of Jesus.  Amen.  

PS.....I find I need a little extra help here......hold her close, Jesus.  Perhaps feeling a little breathless.....and, at a loss for what is happening.....Oh Lord.....hold her tight.....so there is no question.  I trust You, Jesus......to let her know, beyond a shadow of a doubt....that, YOU, dear One.....are there. Thank You, Lord.

Lord, I'm wondering.....how can I have writer's block when I am writing to You?  I mumble, complain, ask, seek, and knock for days.....and I just can't seem to ever get it right. I hate to appear too needy.  But, then.....I tend to want to run the show!  That does get me into trouble!   Too often I am pleading.  Now Lord, I think You know about my heart.  You know when I need to make a change there.  You also know all about my nesting instincts.  How desperate am I for an answer?  What will I do if I don't like the answer You give to me?  When will I stop acting like a child?  Can I truly know that whatever door opens......is the right door?  In all I ask, and in all I do, I honor You, dear Lord.  I realize that there are letters I've written to You that do not show a lot of "honor".  I guess that is because I am too human.  Honestly, I'd like to tell You how thankful I am for the forgiveness You freely give. I'd like to be more than You would ever expect me to be.  I'd like to have more sense than You would ever expect me to have.  Jesus...Lord of all.....show me what is Your perfect plan.  And, I pray, dear Lord, that You would show me what is right.  By Your word very often...by Your teaching and constant abiding....I have learned and lived to accept the decisions You have encouraged me to make.  Is that how it works, Lord?  So often....I have gone by what I think is best.  What I like.  How I feel.  Enjoying more pro's than con's.  And, all of the other etcetera's.  Lord.....I think You know my heart.  All of the years that I have encountered Your presence in the decision making areas of my life.....there are only a few I have questioned.  Yet, I know and appreciate all of the side roads and valleys I have tread upon.....I have learned and grown, spiritually speaking.  I depend on You, dear One.....to give me wisdom and clarity to discern the spirits that cause such confusion.  I ask for Your guidance in all I do. 

Thank You, Lord....for all the answers in the past that have led me to this point.  For all I ask and speak of.....I do it in the name of Jesus.  Amen.