Lord.....You know why I act like I do.  I wish I knew why I act like I do.  Sometimes its good.  Sometimes its bad.  And, sometimes its ugly.  Regrettably.  You know, Lord?  Sometimes, I wonder if You felt bad when You threw the money changers off the temple steps  or out of the temple.  Did You think about going back to them and apologizing for dumping their stuff all over the place or feel You had to "make nice" for ruffling every ones feathers......You know, the ones that go off saying things like...." Humph.....I thought he was a Christian!"
I'm always wondering if and when  I say something, should I have?
I am still thinking about the sermon our pastor preached last Sunday.  It was about "always" having something to say (usually negative) about some "body", or some "thing".  What else is there?
Actually, the text eludes me, but.....I knew You were talking to me!
The blame in any situation always has a little of my name in it some
where.  So.....I have no right to blast anyone else.  I had another epiphany this week.  I had the privilege of watching the movie that came out not too long ago.  "War Room".  I wasn't going to watch it......!  Why?  Well, because I am a Christian.  I love You.  I talk to You.  I have issues all the time.....and, I ,uh......well,mostly......give them to You.  Now that everyone can see what a jerk I am.....it sounds to me like I think I am too much of a Christ follower to lower myself to go to a movie about prayer.  I do pray.  Yeah, well.....Miss "Holier than Thou" decided she is due for an oil change.  Maybe a totally new transmission.  (Actually, we're not sure what she needs, Lord.....but, stand by while we fill out the estimate for damage done.)  I might understand it better, dear One, if You'd knock me for a loop once in a while.  I am so dense, it's pathetic.  Yes, yes!  I know.....I am badmouthing Your child......but, have You spent time with me  lately?  I think I need  a makeover.   My devotional time has dwindled.  My prayer life, too.....!   That's not very good to say out loud.  I guess I could have kept that between us, but, Yeah!  That's me!  All out there.  I have had soooo much trouble concentrating.
  I have spent time doing what I have to do.  Paring down our belongings to a bare minimum has become my job.  I have stopped complaining......but, I haven't quite stopped moaning about it.  
When You hear from me, Lord......I know You know it's another long drawn out prayer about "my stuff",  or "my life",  or  "my needs."  Thank You, dear One, for not passing me by.  Thank You for calling me out though....warning me.....chastising me.....(Okay, being honest, I feel like You also give me grief!  I also know I do need it!)
When I thought of writing.....I thought of a song we used to sing.  I haven't heard it in a long time.  "This is my desire.....to honor You."
Just one line that I read and say.....I am not sure I have been living like that.  The apathy that can crawl up into your being and put a strangle hold on you is scary.  I can almost feel the skinny fingers closing around my throat.  I pray to You, dear One......to be on guard for the quiet ways the enemy tries to silence me.  Ways that appear to be nice and polite.....yet, no one really knows who you are and who you live for.  I think I need a choir director, Lord.   will be watching for the starting cue!
I speak in the first person and the second person.  But, I speak in the name and honor of Jesus Christ. Only in You, Lord.....do I put my trust.  Amen

My dear Lord......Thank you for allowing me to live to see this day.  Its so hard to believe that we are writing 2016.  The years seem to disappear so quickly.....hardly leaving us time to breathe. Over and over, I contemplate what has "happened" up to this point in my life.  I have told You how thankful I am that You have given me so very much of what I didn't even know I wanted or needed.  You, so often, provide what I forget to pray for.....sometimes finding myself, taking the goodness You have provided...... for granted.  To have the love of a kind, loving and faithful husband.......well, Lord......You have found me to be overwhelmed. 

 A friend just wrote an open note to her Facebook friends.......she said....."We don't know what tomorrow holds......but, we know WHO  holds tomorrow."  Lord, it's certainly a few simple words, placed in a  simple context.....but, the meaning takes on new meaning when I depend on YOU running the show of my life.  It's not like I have breezed through these 71 years of my life.  Places I never thought I would go.....I went to.  Things I never believed I could do......I did.  The sadness that life brings and  I couldn't even believe I was living through......You  allowed me to have peace and helped me live another day.  I am not sure how You do that. 

 Now that I look to the year ahead, I will endeavor to make You proud of the choices I make.  I realize that too often You are handed the pieces of a mess that I have created.  Somehow, You do make all of it work together for my good.  (Okay.....I have to admit, Lord......this is one of the hardest things for me to believe!  And, not just for me.  The hard, unfair, disgusting things that sometimes enter our wheelhouse to deal with.........well, those are the times I struggle to understand how this can be for OUR good.  I am so sure I am not alone because life is hard.....and so we do struggle to understand.  I guess I will have to believe YOU know what You are doing.  Help me, Lord......I try.  But, I fail in accepting what You allow so often.  You know me.  I'm not a hardnose........ but, I sometimes think if I pout long enough, You'll change Your mind. My hope is to be a servant You can use......not a know-it-all.  To accept Your decision in my life and why You allow it......and what You do is key to my having any kind of victory.

Over the holidays, I made an "out loud" statement to someone close to me.  They looked at me like I had two heads.  I re-thought what I said......(and no Lord.....I'm not writing this out loud!  And I think You know why!)  I honestly believed what I said.  Now.....since I have not thought about this in weeks, until now. I need for You to set me straight.  It doesn't matter......"if I honestly believed in what I said".....what matters is......Do YOU think I am wrong?  I need to know.  I want You to show me in the scripture, or by a teacher, or a book I'm reading......or from the new preacher we've been listening to lately!  I need to hear from You.  The fact that we can twist people in knots......shatter what they've believed forever.......and deflect from what You are trying to do in their lives......well, this is not good.  Especially, if You think I am all wet!  I don't ever want to discourage any of Your children.  The enemy always "gets" me here.  I remember going home after teaching Sunday School, thinking of something stupid I might have said that would confuse or be misinterpreted.......I'd beg You to take an eraser or a white out bottle and take that from any of their minds.  Lord......if all Your children are as pathetic as me......well, I think You surely have Your hands full.  
One thing I am sure of.....is that I am loved.  I don't understand it......because I believe that to be impossible too, but, I decided to make a decision to ACCEPT it.  So I thank You.

And, all that I have said......I pray it in the name of Jesus.

Amen.