"MY LETTERS TO GOD": November 2017

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Once again, Lord.....I find myself, looking in on my own life. I am suspecting You get tired of waiting for me to make a decision...."find myself".... or be contented. Since You, dear One....know me better than I know myself.....I wish You would tell me. You could mention things like......"Can't You just wait till I tell You what I want You to do?".......or......."Why do You question every move I make to show You the way?"......or "Maybe You could just relax and believe I do ALL things well"!

I have been waiting. What I feel is too long a time. I want some answers. I want You to make things clear for me......and I think you know already I need for You to draw me a picture. I always read between the lines.....trouble is.....I often get things wrong. I just hate admitting that. Could You just take over now? I really am just tired of trying to figure out the "what" and "why" of all I am so concerned about.

I'll never forget when I read a comment about "why I, even after writing out all my thoughts to You, do not seem like a very happy person. I thought and thought about why, indeed? Lord, to tell You my heart needs and thoughts, I find myself in a decided funk. Is it because I don't "leave it with You"? As per usual, I pick up "   my bed" and "my stuff"......and walk away? Lord.....I have listened for years to my Dad preaching......to the preaching of my own husband....deep and resonant to my own soul.....and, I am beginning to think that I don't practice what I preach at all. Taking my needs to You is part of the problem. Not that I don't think You can help me....I really do. It's just that just maybe I am embarrassed that I am so needy.....especially since I have been a born-again Christian for so long.....and should know better. I have visualized taking all my wants, needs, and itinerate baggage.....and placing them all into a big black trashbag....dragging it to the foot of the cross.....and walking away......without it. I'm beginning to wonder if, as I stand there....contemplating leaving it with You.....I put my hand in that bag, thinking I can help You out a little, and take a few things out that I feel "I can handle". I'm not really aware, I don't think. But, I know that "Betwixted and Between", I believe I do. That very thing.....I think, is why I don't have the peace I should have. And, to me....peace equals contentment equals happiness.  I wish that once and for all, I could remember that YOU, dear One, have my best interest at heart. Because....."You doeth all things well." I believe this in my core. Help me really believe it! Really needs to be underlined.

Give me an understanding of what You need me to know.....and wipe out the areas that confuse me. You know my fears. You also know the longings of my heart. Sometimes, I'm not even sure I do.

                                "Oh, for a thousand tongues
                                 to sing, my great Redeemer's
                                 praise. The glories of my God
                                 and King. The triumphs of
                                 His GRACE."

All I write and give to You, Lord......each word is to You, in the name of Jesus. And, to Your will for Me, Your servant. Amen.

Introduction to "My Letters To God"

My letters to God came about by my need to communicate with Him on a regular basis. I needed to, as a christian, a wife and a mother notwithstanding, pray every day. As a young mother I found myself almost continually interrupted by my two little girls. All for necessary and legitimate reasons. You and I both know satan uses every trick in the book to keep us from communing with God and I felt that he was definately getting the upperhand. So, one day out of sheer desperation, I grabbed a sheet of paper or a notebook (I don't remember) and began to scribble out a prayer for God to come and rescue me. I needed to tell Him EXACTLY how I felt. I needed Him and felt that this was my only recourse. Invariably, before I started writing, when I was interrupted I hardly ever would go back to my devotion time. I'd forget where I was in my prayertime and it all seemed futile.....after all, the wash had to be done, the beds had to be made, baths needed to be taken care of.....etcettera.....etcettera....etcettera. After the first attempt, I tried it again and again until this wonderful habit was formed for me. I could literally stop mid-sentence and almost always go back , and pick up where I had left off. As I found my time with God lengthening because of my determination to do this, it ended up being my solace. Even with two more daughters and a son as the years went by. I often found that it was truly a wonderful thing when I would search for a word that described what I REALLY felt. Many times in my prayertime prior to this , I would skim over the

hard parts that would express my angst to Him sort of mumbling, "Lord, you know what I mean.....". I was so terribly desperate to express how I really felt. To that, I could only tell Him in my tears and fears and frustration hoping He would still love me. I'd reread sometimes and find that I was alot meaner than I knew He would be pleased with.....or, I was not as bad as I believed I was.

Writing to God has followed me into the years that the world says are the "senior years". It doesn't matter to me. As long as I can hold a pen and write Him all of my heart thoughts, the "mind stealers" will not deter me. I am determined to be God's instrument. I will blow my horn for Him as long as He gives me breath!

As I share my letters with you, past and present, may you find in Him the solace that you need. He will give that to each of us. This is my prayer.

"MY LETTERS TO GOD"

My Life Verse

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

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