I am not sure what to do today. There are a few things on the list. But, I keep coming back to You, Lord. So often, I cannot move into my day without clearing my slate. Was it John Wesley that said something like, "I have so much to do.....I must spend three hours in prayer....." ? Well, You and I know, Lord......that I have rarely, if ever.... spent three hours praying....but that aside, my time with You is so very precious to me. It is the connection to You alone that I cherish. And, very often, time vanishes because there is nothing more important than baring my soul to You when I write. There is nothing earthshaking happening or a huge list of things to do..... but, I am urged to talk to You and then to tell You how relieved I am for obeying the prompting of Your Holy Spirit to write to Mom. Lord, I do wonder if she read it....or if you read it to her or if she was upset by all I wrote. You know, the "outloud" thing? Did she understand my thinking? Talk to her, Lord......she'll understand You.
I find that the relationships of Mothers and daughters are so complicated at times. I don't think anyone wants that.
Why is it so hard to understand the thought process of someone else? Why is it we see our own thoughts and feelings so "understandable" or "natural" or "perfect"? Lord, why is it so easy to have an answer for everyone else's life? I read long ago that a surefire way to know if you are a mature
individual....is that you accept responsibility for your own behavior; whether it is negative or positive.
You are responsible for your words. You are responsible for your decisions. Lord.....I would love to
be on record with you that I aim to make sure at this age in my life....I will be responsible for my behavior. Whether it is the words I use in an interaction with another individual or the decision to eat something that offends my system. Lord....I contend that my decisions occasionally clash with another....and my "years of wisdom" not withstanding.....I am not always right. It's so hard to admit that. As I read the devotionals from day to day.....trying to gain wisdom from your word and hoping that there is NOT something in particular I need to change.... (?)....Well, Lord...... I need Your constant watch and care. I do know that. It is not something I necessarily like but, it is something I desire. It is something I've come to depend upon. Your divine Word......giving me hope.....instruction.....assurance and those mental check-ups that I would rather not see......but, I thank You for anyway. Thank You for helping me see the areas of life that will benefit me being a better instrument
for You. When I think that my behavior and/or words will offend or dishearten another soul ....it discourages me and hurts me and, I'm sure, will mar my testimony. I know there are times when I do feel disgusted with another and would like to set them straight quickly(!) but I also know that in some cases they want so badly to please You too, as I do. Well then, Lord, I need desperately for You to super-impose Your opinion on me. (You know, Lord. Help me to ZIP IT!!!) I think it is so wonderful when You step in and ensure us by Your Word of Knowledge, that You will do what is necessary. And, then.....when we see what You have done.....it helps us to be a little stronger the next time. I have always thought my interference (I like to think of it as help!!) in your work would make things easier for You. I will try to leave the "heavy lifting" for You. For me and anyone else that loves You.... we surely have enough to do to keep our own home ready for inspection. I will remind myself of my own life verse.....in my words. "Oh Lord.....let the words that come out of my mouth and the thoughts and feelings that congregate in my heart and mind.....Oh, Lord.....let them all be acceptable in Your sight, Dear One, my strength and my Redeemer. " Psalm 19:14 .
For my concerns, my husband and family and the people I am called to minister to, I require Your intervention, Lord. I need Your strength and wisdom....and I ask all in the name of Jesus. Amen.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
"Please Give This Note to Mom, Lord!"
You know, Lord.....I'm sitting here this morning reading a devotional and then perusing the Facebook site. Reading what other's have written about their Mom's makes me feel a little remiss today. I need to say something....but, first I feel that I need to speak to her. So.....would You give her this note.
Dear Mom.....It's been so long since I wrote You a letter. I will always wish I had been a better daughter
for you. I truly do. There was so much I never understood about our relationship. So, when we clashed, I was never as respectful as a daughter should be. If you could say something to me right now....it would probably be ....." Will you stop. It's okay. I always knew you loved me." Right now, this is not good enough for me. I probably learned more about you, from the last five years of your life than I would ever believe possible. I learned how to respect and love you in those years perhaps more than in the years I lived at home with you and daddy and the boys. And, that is saying a lot. I saw you become an icon of virtue of the dearest kind. To see the trauma you endured.....and live through it, gave me a window to look through on the kind of spiritual resolve and determination it takes to go through the deepest of valley's. Besides the fact that I felt as a girl and later, young woman, that I could never please you.....makes me sad. I suppose all girls feel that way at one time or another.....I just could not step above it. I was weak and insecure. Probably Mom, I still suffer from that......but, it still does not excuse my behavior. I never understood why we could not can pickles without a fuss or why I couldn't run my household without interference. It was always hard to find some middle ground. Seeing "eye to eye" was difficult. Telling you in a less than "honorable" way will forever stay in my memory. Especially when I realized you really hadn't heard what I said
at all. But.....then, I saw, what had been there all the time. The quiet reserve in you that would rise when you found yourself in the saddest place in your life. I realized then, that I would be the only warrior you had. Everyone else had to go home. You and I had to walk that place alone. With God,
we endured.....didn't we? He gave us great strength. He gave us wisdom for the decisions that had to be made. He gave us so much to giggle over. Some of those memories are precious to me. For the arms and legs, hands and feet that would not move anymore, you still remained regal to me. Your heart for ministry never failed you either. I saw many of the medical staff stand at your bedside and complain about their lives and the failure of their hopes and dreams to ever be realized. You were doing what I believe was the only form of ministry you could do. It made me proud of you. To adjust your capacity to teach, preach and sing to that of laying motionless, just listening.....and to do it with such graceful resolve, was phenomenal. You were the essence of honor and beauty. When I think of the legacy you maintained and eventually left for me.....I am honored to be called your daughter.
To think of being such a strong example of spiritual strength.......makes me left to hope and reach for such a thing as this. Thank you for loving me. Praying for me. I know John may read this later, so, if you can imagine him grimacing :)......."I really do want to be like you." Strength like yours could only come from the Father. I love you. Corrine
Thank you, Jesus....thank You for reminding me of the great task we have. To live. To serve. To envelope each day with the promise of life with You in an eternal home You are building for us as
Your children. To remember our heritage and the hard choices of life that create the foundation we
live on. To never forget how we got to where we are. Whether good or bad.......we are responsible
to create the memory of our own existence. I pray, dear One, that the memory I create will be a positive one and that it would be envisioned by those who represent us, as inspirational. All that is said and thought in this prayer journal.....I write in the name and honor of Jesus Christ. Amen.
Dear Mom.....It's been so long since I wrote You a letter. I will always wish I had been a better daughter
for you. I truly do. There was so much I never understood about our relationship. So, when we clashed, I was never as respectful as a daughter should be. If you could say something to me right now....it would probably be ....." Will you stop. It's okay. I always knew you loved me." Right now, this is not good enough for me. I probably learned more about you, from the last five years of your life than I would ever believe possible. I learned how to respect and love you in those years perhaps more than in the years I lived at home with you and daddy and the boys. And, that is saying a lot. I saw you become an icon of virtue of the dearest kind. To see the trauma you endured.....and live through it, gave me a window to look through on the kind of spiritual resolve and determination it takes to go through the deepest of valley's. Besides the fact that I felt as a girl and later, young woman, that I could never please you.....makes me sad. I suppose all girls feel that way at one time or another.....I just could not step above it. I was weak and insecure. Probably Mom, I still suffer from that......but, it still does not excuse my behavior. I never understood why we could not can pickles without a fuss or why I couldn't run my household without interference. It was always hard to find some middle ground. Seeing "eye to eye" was difficult. Telling you in a less than "honorable" way will forever stay in my memory. Especially when I realized you really hadn't heard what I said
at all. But.....then, I saw, what had been there all the time. The quiet reserve in you that would rise when you found yourself in the saddest place in your life. I realized then, that I would be the only warrior you had. Everyone else had to go home. You and I had to walk that place alone. With God,
we endured.....didn't we? He gave us great strength. He gave us wisdom for the decisions that had to be made. He gave us so much to giggle over. Some of those memories are precious to me. For the arms and legs, hands and feet that would not move anymore, you still remained regal to me. Your heart for ministry never failed you either. I saw many of the medical staff stand at your bedside and complain about their lives and the failure of their hopes and dreams to ever be realized. You were doing what I believe was the only form of ministry you could do. It made me proud of you. To adjust your capacity to teach, preach and sing to that of laying motionless, just listening.....and to do it with such graceful resolve, was phenomenal. You were the essence of honor and beauty. When I think of the legacy you maintained and eventually left for me.....I am honored to be called your daughter.
To think of being such a strong example of spiritual strength.......makes me left to hope and reach for such a thing as this. Thank you for loving me. Praying for me. I know John may read this later, so, if you can imagine him grimacing :)......."I really do want to be like you." Strength like yours could only come from the Father. I love you. Corrine
Thank you, Jesus....thank You for reminding me of the great task we have. To live. To serve. To envelope each day with the promise of life with You in an eternal home You are building for us as
Your children. To remember our heritage and the hard choices of life that create the foundation we
live on. To never forget how we got to where we are. Whether good or bad.......we are responsible
to create the memory of our own existence. I pray, dear One, that the memory I create will be a positive one and that it would be envisioned by those who represent us, as inspirational. All that is said and thought in this prayer journal.....I write in the name and honor of Jesus Christ. Amen.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
"Something Beautiful"
You know, Lord.....I moan when I don't know what to do.....and I moan when I do. Lord, sometimes I am so disgusted with who I am......and yet, I see that You, always come back to me and raise me up. Sometimes I feel it. And then, sometimes I see what You are suggesting. I was so touched when I saw that verse. I knew immediately that You had allowed me to see the answer You were prompting me to read. Right now, I can remember only a couple of lines. Not knowing how to pray or what to pray, I, "in essence" give my heartfelt utterings to You......and, You, in turn give my requests....as You see/hear them....to the Father. You discern what is right and good for me. I rest, knowing that You , Lord.....have heard the inner yearnings of my heart and will give me a sense of peace knowing You have the control.
And so......dear One.....take it. Take it and let this life, such as it is..... consecrated and obedient....be acceptable in Your sight. No one understands as You do. I feel so embarrassed at times, just trying to explain this mood that encumbers me. And, usually, try not to. It always makes me feel so broken and useless; un-fixable. Damaged, beyond repair.
After seeing the damage that ensues when I insist on doing things my way, I loved the "head's up" last evening as I looked up a scripture in Prayer Meeting and then saw it on the other page, underlined and blinking in neon lights. "IT" being my answer from You on how to pray. Sometimes, I feel like Gideon when You sent him on a quest and he didn't know if You really "meant" it.....and then after getting his answer, he needed a little more assurance......and You, gracious God, answered that for him also.
I give You concerns. I give You what I see as desirous. I give You right now, any wounds that could
be incurred as I go forth. Bind them Yourself, Father. I feel safer that way. " Something beautiful, something good. All my confusion.....He understood".....the song writer keys in these special words about the magnificent work You do. "All I had to offer Him.....was brokenness and pride.....but, He made something beautiful out of my life." I know, Lord....that these words are not directly from the scriptures, but I feel they were inspired by You.
Father, no one can hear the cries of a heart song. No one, but You. And, so.....in order to allow You freedom
and complete control......I ask You to have an audience with the Father and the Spirit of God.......and discern the direction and path I should follow. Your will. Your way.
In the name and will of Jesus, my Savior, I say.....amen.
And so......dear One.....take it. Take it and let this life, such as it is..... consecrated and obedient....be acceptable in Your sight. No one understands as You do. I feel so embarrassed at times, just trying to explain this mood that encumbers me. And, usually, try not to. It always makes me feel so broken and useless; un-fixable. Damaged, beyond repair.
After seeing the damage that ensues when I insist on doing things my way, I loved the "head's up" last evening as I looked up a scripture in Prayer Meeting and then saw it on the other page, underlined and blinking in neon lights. "IT" being my answer from You on how to pray. Sometimes, I feel like Gideon when You sent him on a quest and he didn't know if You really "meant" it.....and then after getting his answer, he needed a little more assurance......and You, gracious God, answered that for him also.
I give You concerns. I give You what I see as desirous. I give You right now, any wounds that could
be incurred as I go forth. Bind them Yourself, Father. I feel safer that way. " Something beautiful, something good. All my confusion.....He understood".....the song writer keys in these special words about the magnificent work You do. "All I had to offer Him.....was brokenness and pride.....but, He made something beautiful out of my life." I know, Lord....that these words are not directly from the scriptures, but I feel they were inspired by You.
Father, no one can hear the cries of a heart song. No one, but You. And, so.....in order to allow You freedom
and complete control......I ask You to have an audience with the Father and the Spirit of God.......and discern the direction and path I should follow. Your will. Your way.
In the name and will of Jesus, my Savior, I say.....amen.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Lord, when I wake up with a song inspired by You, it always starts my day with a special touch. Today I saw on facebook that somebody else woke up with a song and it reminded me of how good You are to all of us. You give us what we need when we need it. You provide the verses of scripture we need when we need it. And, You also make us wait....because we do need that too. That is the one part I am not too crazy about, Lord. I was going to talk to You today about the issues that I deal with day to day with this psyche of mine. I get annoyed because I am constantly fighting with this issue of depression. Actually, Lord....I don't fight very much anymore. I just let it ride itself out and that is wearisome too.....not so much for me, but for anyone who comes in contact with me. My husband gets the full brunt of it. He sees the lackadaisical spirit. How he manages to be his cheerful, enthusiastic self, living with me, is amazing...especially to me. One of my daughter's has christened me "Eeyore" from "Winnie the Pooh" fame. Lord, I have always wanted to be different. Happier. More energetic. A visionary. Like I said....DIFFERENT! I think I could be a better instrument for You if I were.....DIFFERENT! Unless You change the whole dynamic, I know I will continue out this day as the same as I am now. I need You Father, to make this okay with me. Not just the "Suck it up, Buttercup" mentality, but knowing the fact that You understand my wiring. You know the details of the circuitry. When I have done all I know to do....and still feel the ensuing sadness...live for You and work for You as if there is no tomorrow, You know the wise heart that wrote the devotional I read today. You know what I was thinking before I even read it. It encouraged me. It didn't end with a "storybook" finale. Storybook endings are wonderful most of the time. They make us smile and hope and believe everything will turn out. But Lord, sometimes the ending is the "ending" and it's not the one we hoped for. I think, I prefer, that the ending be only "YOUR WILL FOR ME'....no matter what. And, Lord....You know I am not capable of deciphering what is best for my life. I have on many, many occasions decided that "this is the way to go".....or....."this is the best thing to do". And, gone off in a tailspin to conquer the task. Then, blinking hard at the result and seeing that "I just may have been wrong on this one"....admit defeat. Only You, Father ....can take the broken pieces I hand You and give me back something that would be described as perfection. If changing me into this "different person" I claim I want to be, would remove these miracles from my life, then I would say..."Lord, throw this request away and replace it with...."Whatever it takes to draw closer to You, Lord....that's what I am willing to be....". So, with that said, Lord...."Take my life and let it be....consecrated Lord for Thee...Take my hands and let them move a the impulse of Thy love...and my feet....swift and beautiful for Thee....my voice....let me sing always and only for my King....my silver and my gold; not a mite would I withhold. And, my will..."Make it thine.".
If I am who You want me to be....then so be it. I am willing, Lord to be wholly Yours....and happy to do so. As I write....You inspire me. Thankfully. And... You make me glad that I am me. I guess I don't want to be "DIFFERENT" afterall. Thank You for the power of the cross and Your willingness to grant me entrance. In all I say....and pray....the name of Jesus be glorified. Amen.
If I am who You want me to be....then so be it. I am willing, Lord to be wholly Yours....and happy to do so. As I write....You inspire me. Thankfully. And... You make me glad that I am me. I guess I don't want to be "DIFFERENT" afterall. Thank You for the power of the cross and Your willingness to grant me entrance. In all I say....and pray....the name of Jesus be glorified. Amen.
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