Lord, I've read so many devotionals this week and I wonder to myself......what is this supposed to teach me?  Isn't that what they are for?  To reprove us....to improve us.....to make us think?  I know you use whatever is available to get your thoughts and laws through my head.  I remember buying one of our children that picture Bible......and I'm wondering if I should go buy another one in an updated version.  I'm always saying, "I need a picture drawn for me."  It is sometimes a little disheartening when I read Your words.....and I don't understand what You are trying to tell me.  People often feel that because I am the pastor's wife....and in a leadership position that I should have some answers that are in line with Your thinking.  Often....way too often, I am wondering if I gave the wrong advice....or suggested  a too-human response in what I feel You want me or any of us to know. 
Lord, first of all.....let me assure You, I know without a doubt that You are God.
Your patience will forever amaze me.  I consider You at the helm of my ship, a
loving, concerned, faithful Captain.  And, I have the utmost respect for Your ability to do for me as no one else could.  But, secondly....I view You as my true friend.  One that will give me honor, if I deserve it......favor.....if You choose to, and discipline when I have failed to learn what You need me to know.  What I find difficult, Lord.....is sharing what You have taught me without intimating to another that...."If I can do this, you can too."  I wonder, Lord.....do I step over the line of duty when I infer this? The enemy is bound to jump on that. I need Your intervention in any words I use.  
 Is this what Amy Carmichael meant when she wrote...."If I belittle those to whom I am called to serve...talk of their weak points in contrast to what I view as my strong points.....and essentially wonder why someone "is not quite as spiritual as they could be"......then, I KNOW NOTHING OF CALVARY" ?   Jesus, Savior of the world.....help me to always be at Your feet.....  never to even suggest I have "conquered this spiritual journey" I'm on.  Save me from the wiles of satan that would ever suggest that.  That's all he needs.  I do know that when I speak to You or speak about You to someone , oftentimes I am looked at with a questioning eye.  And, of course, I know why!
I speak to You as if You are sitting in front of me, drinking a glass of water or a cup of coffee.  I speak to You as if I were in the back seat while You are driving me on my road of life , leaning forward to touch Your shoulder with my hand to make a point or to make sure I heard You correctly. 
Lord, my job is to pay attention.  My job is too follow the guidelines You set up for all of us that follow You in the scriptures.  My job is not to judge what another is doing and how they are doing it.  My hope is to be Your light in the lives of those that need me to be a light for them.  Never to overstep.  I believe You will be my encourager and my guide as I do what You lead me to.  I'd like so much to draw folks to You by my behavior.....and to never discourage.

Lord, I am quoting a special poem that I found years ago by Marjorie Holmes.  I
love what it says.....I wish I had written it.

                          "Lord, somewhere I read that when two
                           people love deeply....living together.....
                           sharing....caring....giving.....forgiving.....
                           that they begin to resemble each other.
                           Tell me, Lord.....how long will it be before
                           I look like You."

This is my prayer too.  Lord, I ask all I do, request of You, and dream of....to be done in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

Dear One......Thank You so much for listening when I call.  I am always wondering what I should say....."how to say it"......and always,  if I should say it "out loud".  Lord, after prayer meeting the other evening, I have wondered about a few things we covered.  I know when it's my turn to lead the service, I always try to cover any territory I think we will discuss ....and then, often, a "Plan B", just in case my subject matter isn't being well received.  I'm not sure why I like to bring up ideas Christians do not want to talk about. Jealousy, an unforgiving spirit, lying, spitefulness, hateful attitudes, etc., just to name a few.
I suppose it's because, even though I have my own hesitations for one reason or another, I love for people to think....and read.....and find out what Your thoughts are...... to discuss their issues with You and not glide over the uncomfortable places with pious thoughts and scriptures to prove them. I suppose too, I like for people to regard their hearts very carefully.  I remember at one time, I felt that I was "above" being bothered by the wiles of satan.   Lord, I am so very aware that You made me to think very human thoughts , regrettably.   Even though I have been careful to whom I am confessing a fault.....(if I do at all).....I am not afraid that You will  smack me down  to shut me up (not that You would do that)....but I do remember some times of dead silence between You and me.    I have spoken to You some fearful heart thoughts that swirl, unbridled at times in my mind.  I have received a measure of peace just sharing them with You.....and, then, with Your compassionate heart.....You speak words of hope and peace to my fractured spirit.  I am often embarrassed, Lord. What I am so very amazed at......is that You forgive me and show me in Your Word where I am to change.   I'm getting on the "old" side and still, when You speak to me about my unkind attitude,  my anxious spirit, the elusive forgiving nature that I always want to have.......well, Lord, I feel like a young christian again......forging my way into the world.  I wish that "once it is taken care of", I wouldn't have to deal with it again.  I hate that satan has this power  on the earth.   Lord, he is such a menace.  He is such a liar.  Sidling up to us with his slick moves......I just  pray for Your continual hand of mercy, and precious blood shed on Calvary to keep us from allowing any of his messages to trick us.  (Me, specifically!)   I have to realize that You have given us Your power to over ride the evil he places in our path.  The side roads that beckon.  Thank You for Your protection when I have faltered.....tripped over my own feet moving too quickly before assessing the move.....and  even argued by my "silent rebellion".  Jesus, You have given us the Word to lighten our way.  I saw a picture the other day with open Bibles depicted as step stones for the walkway.  Way too often I have fussed because the darkness was keeping me from seeing where You wanted me to go.  I saw a different way of seeing the direction You want me to go.  
"Greater is He that is in me......than he that is in the world."  First John 4:4 speaks it loud and clear.  It is my hope.  It is my solace.  It is Your love guiding me to my future with You.  I will not fear.  I have the power in the name of Jesus to defeat this angry man who will undoubtedly dog us to the gate.  And, all I can say is "Help, Lord!  Defeat the power of satan.  I plead the blood of Jesus.....which changes everything!"
In Your name I ask for Your will and any blessing you choose to favor me with.  I say,
Amen!

All around me is chaos.  The news of the day.  The fighting abroad.  The deaths of soldiers trying to ensure our freedoms.  The lives of some of my family.  And, some  that are about to experience sadness they have never had to endure.  Lord,  what can I do?  I've heard the classic christian response a thousand times.  "I will pray for you."  And, I recall thinking......"Really"?

 Lord, that is so cold.  I'm sorry.  It has often been an over-used, perfunctory answer for the dutiful christian.   I've said it....especially when I needed a quick get-away retort.  Lord, forgive me for ever being so unaffected by the concerns of our friends, family and acquaintances.  To mean it......now, that is a different scenario....and where I always want my allegiance to be.
I am so in need of Your mercy, Father.  I want to be Your servant.  Your emissary.  And, when I tell someone "I will pray"........I will.  I need to always be aware of how vital a mission this is.  It's not a
"way out" of a situation I find uncomfortable. 

I remember so vividly how incapable I was in the first few weeks and months of my mother's life ending stroke.  I remember how inferior I felt in having to answer question after question about life saving procedures she should have;  her prognosis;  and care that would endure until her life ended.  I knew that the fact that the people who wrote and called and visited.....and all said the same words... did say them with all sincerity;  I knew they were my life's blood at that time.  Now  years later, as I think about the events of that five year time period.......I know, and am totally convinced that I survived one of the most catastrophic events of my life.....only because someone said....."I am praying for you" and did pray for me.  Without fail.  Probably morning and evening.  And, in between time, too.   Lord, without a doubt, You placed those people there for me to depend on.  I had enough strength in the beginning to say only a few things to You.  I remember a few times that all I could utter to You, was "help!".  (I didn't capitalize it because I was using my quiet, inside voice, Lord.)  I had no strength.  I had no words.
I still can't believe You thought I was strong enough to handle all of that chaos.  I am glad, though, as I look back, that You were there for me.  Each and every minute I inwardly groaned about "how I was stuck in a situation I couldn't get out of".  I knew......without a doubt, that You were soothing my anxious, hurting heart. Those thoughts that come when its quiet....the  " No one knows...... ", " No one could understand......", "  No one cares....."   thoughts.    Those were the lies satan would throw at me.  Those hateful darts that he can throw.....with wild abandon.....and there I  sat thinking,  "Why doesn't somebody help me?"  And......Lord......that is when......someone prayed for me and I could breathe again.  You saved me from satan.  You gave me strength when I had none.  You allowed a little breath of peace to reign in my spirit.  Even if it was just for a few minutes,  it was all I needed.   And, what is so wondrous about that, is...... that you already knew that. 
You are ever interceding for me and for those I love.  You tend to us right where we are.  So, whether we are in past tense.....or present tense......I depend on the truth of Your word and Your promises to us all.

Thank You, dear One.  I love You so much.  I cannot count the ways.  I cannot count that high.
You are precious to me.  Help me to help someone today.....for Your glory.  I pray in the name and will of Jesus.  Amen.

You know, Lord......I find it hard to write "out loud" when there seems to be no pressing issues in my path.  I have put this off, knowing that "thing" in my being keeps poking me.....like something is not quite right.  And, so I write to You.  Not knowing what I should say.....or how I should say it.  My heart is full.....even to the point of running over.  I am blessed.  It is not a statement I say lightly.  I am.  And,  I know, that You know,  I haven't always made that claim.  Not easily, anyway. 

 I am thinking about difficulties of life that others are enduring right now.  Watching others wade through the options of "how to handle this" effectively, and be able to live a somewhat normal life is heartrending.  I watch and listen and hope to possibly render a possible solution, but, I find that each one has to find their own way, in their own time.  I ask that You, Lord.....would give each one wisdom and a special touch of Your love to soothe their own spirits.  The hard places in our lives are often what draw us closer to You.  And, sometimes that is only after we have vented to You how disappointed we are in You and that You ever saw fit to send this particular trial our way.  Yes, I know.  How dare I even put that in print?  I put it in black and white because I am human.....and You are God ......and I have a feeling that YOU know how I feel anyway.  I cannot hide from You.....nor, do I want to.  Do people really think that if they don't say it out loud, You don't know?  When I began to put my heart thoughts down on paper, I began to see how  my communication with You, benefited me.
I loved telling You how I felt.  As I wrote in my introduction to "letters".....I could go back through my notebooks and see that I was not as bad as satan had convinced me I was.......or.......I was a "whole lot " meaner than I knew You could ever be pleased with.  It is then, Lord......that real healing begins for me.....  when I am honest with You.  That "deep down" honesty.  Please help me, Lord.  I want that to  ALWAYS be  my life.  When I cover up and ACT LIKE I can handle it all.....I know one thing.  You'll let me.  And, yes.....I will handle it as I see it should be done.......but , there will be no peace for me.  When You are at the helm......showing me the direction, I may get sidetracked but I won't get lost.  I know that You know me well.  I do get sidetracked.  I often think I have a better solution.  I nudge You.....or tap You on the shoulder and SUGGEST, ever so gently, that maybe we could "check this way out first".  And, we do.  Often, my choices, are dead ends.  I admit it; You smile  and we move on.  Sometimes,  Lord, You tend to make Your way, a maze, You know......  And...... I tire easily......but You nudge and shove a little.....and finally, I have succeeded in doing things Your way.  The choices are difficult at times, Lord.  But, You and I both know, when I follow You and pay attention to Your "red flags", I am more contented. 

Jesus, help me to remember that.  To be content.  To be quiet before You.  To listen.
Thank You for loving me....and giving me Your peace.  I pray in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

"The 'Holding Tight.....Letting Go' Scenario"

How do You feel about letting us go, Lord?  Do You think....."Well, I think I've held you long enough.....I believe I'll see how you do walking alone".......and then, you let us go?  Do You ?  Or, do You sense our anticipation of seeing the wonders of life ahead and hold us a little longer?  Do You place us on our own with concern that our wobbly legs (not used to holding us up) will meander off-kilter a bit to an unknown road than You originally meant for us to go?  What are the worries that You have for Your child. Us.  ( Me, specifically.)   Sometimes a bit too stubborn and willful.....yearning to be independent, yet still wanting a hand to steady me.  Lord, as I peruse the corners of my heart and mind.....I entertain the fact that so much of our lives, are filled with the "holding tight and letting go" scenario.  I watched, with reluctance, the separation of a Mother and daughter this week.  The "letting go" part was  a little torturous....for the Mother.  My girl. ( I remember praying as all of the departures of my children were imminent.  I had prayed about the various scenarios for several years.....not wanting to be the mother being dragged by holding too tight to the leg that was walking out the door .....yelling, "Pleeasee, don't go".)  Lord, You were there holding me and mine as we saw that part of our relationship go into the photo albums.
The best place for me to always go when I am bereft......and have no words......is to run to You.  I'm glad You don't have to worry about hernia's , Lord, because   I feel as if You pick me up, spin me around and say....."It's okay.  It's going to be okay!"  Honestly, though.....I prefer just resting my head against your heart.....knowing that "All is well."  The most wonderful part of that to me.....is, when I come, sad or content,  all things are well......because You are in control.  Okay....yes.  I have to admit when there have been places in my life that I wondered who in the world was running things....I was mad, sad, dejected, unable to breathe......yet, still.....I knew You watched me carefully.  You led me to the right people to comfort me......You showed me areas of strength and growth in the Word.....You gave me new life in future plans I hadn't thought of before.  And, You do that because of the love You have for us.  And, another thing You do for me, is show me areas of concern to You.  Areas of my life that I have avoided doing anything about for years.  Areas that need fixing.
I rest in knowing that You are watching my life.  You are merciful.....and gracious.  You are ahead of us, watching out for the issues that COULD mow us down.....You are deciding what can grow us into the best image of You we could ever be.
Thank You, dear One......thank You for having any confidence in me at all.
I ask and breathe each prayer in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

Today, Lord.....I lean on a verse that just breathes Your love to me.  From Psalm 139, in verses 5 and 6......"I look behind me and then, up ahead.... You're there, too--Your reassuring presence, coming and going.  This is too much....too wonderful.....I can't take it all in!
Thank You, Jesus!