You know, Lord......sometimes......trying to write to You in this particular format is so frustrating.  I know my computer is acting up and gives me trouble several times a day....but, of course, when I am wanting to write, give You praise, and honor You for Your presence in my life......and the screen goes blank.....(and doesn't come back)....makes me think the evil one is at work again. I find Lord, that, so often when I write.....am I imagining that satan is looking over my shoulder?   I do not know what all of his capabilities are. Do I have to plead the blood of Jesus to cover me and all my needs and anxiousness too?  All I know is....it is in You that I give my whole heart.  It is in You that I trust that no one or no thing could ever fulfil the needs I have.  No exceptions.  I realize that my will and my desire to please You, is the final insistence I will wield....no matter what.  I was so impressed on Sunday, when You revealed something to me I had never realized before.  In the book we are currently working on-  Kyle Idleman's writings in "Not a Fan".....are so perfectly simple I can't help but understand what it means .  I believe it to be true.  (It took years for me to realize that everything on a printed page is NOT truth that I can believe in.)  Thank You Lord for showing this to me.  Now that I've seen it......I'm not sure how to go forward , but be assured, I will.  The section we read on Sunday, just floored me.  Going to Your servants who  described  their stories in pages of the holy scriptures is something that I think all of us would like to do some day in heaven.  I can't imagine not asking Moses what it felt like to come down from the mountain and see the people he led out of Egypt.....dancing around a golden calf.  Or, ask Joseph what it was like to be able to help his brothers keep from starving in the famine....and they didn't realize it.  Lord, when I think about these men asking me how it felt to see my mother in the worst possible condition a human could be in after a debilitating stroke......and stand by her through it....and feel the Holy Spirit holding me close.....and then also,  to continue to have this same presence infilling me so I could encourage her and have strength to endure with her the five remaining years she lived.  "Uh.....I'm not sure, fella's....I didn't realize I had all that power lifting me and holding me together!"  That's not much of an answer, Lord. That's pathetic.  I'm so sorry.
 I wonder, Lord....did I realize at the time that it was Your infilling that gave me that courage?  It was.  Now that I think back,  It was Your divine presence that gave me the will to go on  and live through it with her.  That's probably what made it the worst for me.  Knowing she was aware that she couldn't walk anymore.  Or, lift a fork to her mouth.  Or, speak.  Or, breathe on her own.  She was totally aware that she was totally dependent.  Lord...I am sorry that I never realized that You were the reason I survived that time.  Your plan to infill us with Your perfect plan for us......when You weren't here for us to touch.....was ideal.  When the ladies and I discussed this in class on Sunday.....I felt so remiss.  I have had so many experiences in my life when I depended on You desperately for immediate help.  Your spirit led me, guided me, comforted me, lifted me......and I didn't even realize how all of that worked.  Moses, David, Joseph, and even Mary as she gave birth ......all of them were living their lives without the Holy Spirit encouraging and lifting them.  I've often thought how wonderful it would be to have you close by so I could speak with You face to face.....touch You.....feel Your hand on my shoulder as You listen to me......but, now, since I have read this and understand it......I think, Lord, that You have provided for us the best of both worlds.  In my heart and mind, when I speak to You, I am believing, dear One, that You are near me.....listening with bated breath......holding on to my every word urging me to speak freely.  For pete's sake, Lord, I can't even talk in public without being interrupted by another who has something more important to say.  To believe You love me that much, is amazing to me.  Thank You for the messages You give to me.  Thank You for allowing me to continue to grow.  For urging me onward.....making me want to try to be ALL You need for me to be.  I am Your servant.  I want to be all You expect me to be.  Whether I am planting a seed or reaping a harvest....I care not.  To be used by You, for Your kingdom, is my heart.

I speak all of this to You.....in the name of Jesus Christ.  Amen.

Dear One.....Thank You.  You are so loved.  Regrettably, I don't show my love to You often enough or use enough words to express myself.  I depend on You.  I expect too much from You.  I never want to find myself taking the wonderful blessings I am a recipient of, for granted.  That is so easy to do.  I go skipping from place to place, (Hah!  Lord, only in my mind's eye do I skip!) thinking about what I should be doing or places I should be going or ......the list goes on.  I understand a few things.  "Do you want to go to lunch?"....."Maybe, do a little shopping?"
 I guess I would say to You that I ought to broaden my horizons a bit.  Now, Lord.....as I just wrote that line......the phone rang and I recognized the number and picked up.  It was a friend from church asking.....not, if I wanted to go to lunch......or shopping.  Your sense of humor kills me Lord.  You really have to be getting a kick out of this!  No.....she didn't want any of those things I previously mentioned.  She wanted me to accompany her in visiting a really nice lady that has recently become homebound.  Did You see me, Lord?  Did You "get" that I almost said, "no".  What I actually came out with was...."Oh......uh.......I......uh.....!"  Lord, I make myself tired.  I tell You how I want to be.....I ask You to help me......You do......and I almost immediately want to "conveniently forget" what I just asked for.  Okay.  Enough for "Learning Moments!"  And, I hope You feel better.  I don't, right now, anyway... but, You of course, know that I will, in a little while. Obedience counts with You and I know it to be true.  It's so "not" what I want to do.  My head hurts a little more now.  My knee's are still hurting me.  I'd like to lay here on the couch......play a game of "Mahjong" or eat a leisurely brunch.....but, I'll I go and be Your instrument.  You are going to have to supply the necessary strength and vision that I don't have or see or feel right now.   I know You will.  The times You reach out and grab me and hold my feet to the fire are not that often.  I am willing to be willing.  I'm thankful for the precious spirit of God that keeps urging us closer to the heart of God.  When my husband looked at me today and said, " I really want to live till I am 100......like Grannie Bell did...".......I just sort of inwardly groaned. " And,  I think I will be a greeter at Walmart", he continued.   Lord, have mercy!  I have no words.  I don't even know what to say.  Something like....."You may have to do this with a different wife......I probably won't be here!"  Or not?   Thankfully, You know the end.....as well as the beginning!  I am grateful for that.  Your love extends to all of us who worship Your name.  I am blessed by that fact.  And, guess what, Lord?  I am at peace with the knowledge that You allow what is best for me.  I need to always keep in mind that You love me and will help me LIVE for You.
All my silliness in my prayer and my insistence that You indeed laugh and cry with us.....still sends me to the foot of the cross where You take our sorrows and burdens upon Yourself.....and do with them what You will.  I speak all in the name of Jesus.  Amen.