You know.....don't You, Lord.  You know how I'm doing right now.  A little freaked out.....yeah, that would be an understatement.  When You bring to fruition an idea that started on a scrap of paper........a few words scribbled to form a sentence.....and bless the writer......well, its just too much to take.  For those of us that suffer from the feelings of insecurity and unworthiness.....what You have allowed is beyond any dream. You have allowed me so many blessings.  Many...... that I thank You for all the time.  I've said it before....and I say it again....."beyond all I could ask or think".......that is what I have.   The gift of this book that will have my name on it is all because of You.  If I did not have You to tell my heart thoughts to.....there would be nothing to publish.  You are the author and finisher of my faith.  Now, I need for You to give me wisdom to speak words with Your grace and to have this vessel transformed into the one You need......to be used as You see fit. I have no idea what is ahead...but I rest knowing that You do.  I only need Your direction as I move ahead.  Only, dear One.....with Your direction.   You are without a doubt so merciful......and so forgiving, all the time.
  My granddaughter looked at me on Thanksgiving day and questioned me when I said I didn't ask You to forgive me every day.  In my mind and heart....I just don't need it.....every day, that is.  I do not sin on purpose every day to be forgiven for......do I? Is that too presumptuous, Lord?  I need for You to enlighten my heart.  I don't think that anyone that calls themselves "Christian", does sin everyday.  Do You, Lord?  Is that how You figured we could live for You and be human, too?  I know.  I fear speaking this way could be dangerous......for my health, and future as a professed Christian woman. I intend to take my cues from You, dear One.  And, sincerely, Lord......I need Your nudges and pushes in the right direction.  I do not want to ever take any of the gifts You provide for granted.  I am Yours, Lord!  Everything I am.....all that I have been blessed with.....it's all under Your care and watchful eye.  I will never sin, willfully and determinedly to be more of what others think I should be.  Your will.  I desperately pray for that.  I need to have the words that express the deepest heart thoughts that I have.  
Right now......all I want to do is thank You for living to die for us.....and then to rise up to love us until You come.  The Nativity.  What a precious sight to see and enjoy.  Oh, Lord.  I don't think any of us that call ourselves "Yours"....will ever understand how You love us.
I pray in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

PS........I dedicate "My Letters To God" to You, dear One.

It's been too many days, Lord.  I've just slid by these last few weeks with "How are we doing, Lord?"  And, "Help us, today!" and "Keep us safe, Jesus".   I am certainly thankful You love me.....even when I tend to be so lazy in my communication with You.  You are the only source of strength to me.  I've always known it......and, I've always depended on that.  Lord, I will do my best to never take your love and mercy for granted.  Sometimes when we become so comfortable with our relationships, we often tend to let our nurturing skills "take a break".  It's okay, I guess.  Every one does it at one time or another.....I just would like to be "a little above average" when it comes to this part of my life.  Real friendships just are so special when we find ourselves "picking up where we left off" with friends we have not seen or talked to in ages.  I wonder, Lord......would we be better off if we tried a little harder to reach out and touch each other.....oftener.  Sometimes the miles......the time left in a day......and the business of keeping up with the schedules we've packed to overflowing.....just seems to make the importance of keeping in touch so difficult.  I am guilty.  We all are, I guess.  One thing I am anxious to work on from this day forward.....is to NEVER take the precious gift of Your love and forgiveness and mercy to me, a "given".  It's always good to see family and loved ones.  To share our stories and listen to the old ones and laugh like we have never heard them before. It's a blessing and an honor that you entrust to us.  I need to make that a priority, Lord.  I'm not sure how. I'm  used to going from one project to another......and another.  I like the part where I can lay on the couch between the projects!!  I guess that will never change.

Bottom line, Lord.....I have to make this a project, I guess.  Keeping in touch, more than usual.  Making an effort to nurture long time relationships.  The most important thing though, is the nurturing of my relationship with You.  Praying without ceasing.  Keeping a prayer on my lips and a song of thanksgiving to You and all that You mean to me because  I am blessed beyond all I have ever asked or dreamed.  Have You allowed the path to eternal life, litter free?  There is  only one and I will take what comes with it.  I have to say, Lord.......I may complain and I may be tempted to be annoyed at times......but, I will praise You through it all.  If I never had a problem, I'd never know that You could solve it......or carry me through it.  All I ask and pray for....I ask in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

Very rarely, Lord.....do we understand what You are doing.  So often......we just find that we're never quite ready when You do make a decision.  Apparently that quandary is part of the human condition.  Some find the 'wait' to see You....to be interminable.  And, then......there is Barbara.  Lord......we're sorry.  We're still a little stunned.   Even though her health has been so precarious....her desire to "go home" just seemed to be uppermost in her mind....so we prayed too.....that You would grant the desire of her heart.  She and Clarence had worked so hard for their retirement home.  It was a beautiful place to be.

Now, Lord.....You do understand us, don't You? You do care about how we feel....don't You?   When one loses such a huge part of their  life....the blow is devastating.  And then, to lose the capacity to do even the simplest of things for yourself.....it just is about all the discouragement a body can take. Of course, You know that already.  You're there watching and waiting.

The earthly part of Barbara's life has ended.  Was it all that we hope it was?  Were the Angel's singing her song? Was she met with a great cloud of witnesses?  She has had the greatest of friends here.  Some are with her right now.....rejoicing and celebrating!  The rest are here......mourning her.  She has been such a faithful friend to all who knew her and claimed her as such.

As You entered the room where she laid, for the last time.....we can almost see her giving You a weak smile......and a sigh of relief, as she breathed her last words to You......"I knew You'd come, Lord".   We thank You for going to her Yourself....... to lift her up and take her to the "Heavenly Home" You've prepared.   
She was just too weak to walk in the gate by herself.

How we love thinking about the gracious Savior that You are to us, Your children.  And that You love us  even when we don't understand and have to suffer for a time.  We know it will not last.  
Help us, Jesus.  Help us to remember that one day....."It Will Be Worth It All"......when we see You one day.  Make us a blessing for You until we too, will see Your face.  Thank You for allowing us the privilege to know Barbara.  

In the name of Jesus, we pray.....and wait.  Amen.

I'm sorry, Lord.  I can't seem to wrap my brain around all that appears to be coming into view.  Many hopes, dreams, plans and derailments are flooding my thinking today.  Often, unwarranted.  And, more often than not......surprise attacks. Whether good or bad.....it still rocks me.  How do I respond?  How do I fix my face?  Actually, a mask might work.....or dark glasses!  I feel like a little kid.....just wishing I could close my eyes and no one could see me.  I thank You, dear One, for the privilege of serving You.  I have moaned and complained forever about being "the Pastor's wife"......yet, never imagined ever being anything but.  In fact, I am almost positive that is what You called me to do with my life. It mostly gives me a great deal of happiness and a sense of satisfaction and I mostly feel honored that You chose me to do this. You chose the man who would be my husband. You fulfilled so many areas of my life that I never even prayed about.  I never even thought about having children......and I had five.....?!#  Is that what You would call being "self-centered"? I suppose I am being a little hard on myself.  Everyone wants to find their way in life.  It embarasses me when I think about that, Lord. (The "self-centered" part.)  Yet, You remain God and remain running the show that is my life.  I am fulfilled in so many ways......and I  give You praise for allowing me to enjoy the gift of music in my life.....and the caregiving that I was allowed to do.  All I could have wanted or dreamed for.  You've given.  And, given some more.  I praise You for being my strength.  My tower of refuge.  

I do have issues though, Lord.  You are very aware, I know.  I sure do complain enough.....too much.  I told my husband last night that the enemy just plays havoc in my mind.  "Well", he says to himself, "If I can just place some doubt here.....and some pride over there.....".   I am tired of being the can that he kicks down the road......NO PUN INTENDED HERE, LORD!   I have just got to start calling out the supreme name of God.....plead the blood of Jesus.....and anything else I have to do to get him away from me.  After my class yesterday at church, I felt completely drained.  You see, satan loves to bring up issues that are "under the blood"......and of course, Lord......YOU  KNOW  THAT  all too well.  I do too.......don't I?  Why does he catch me off guard so much.  Why does he make me question the DECISIONS  I have made in the past.....and makes me "wonder" if I "really forgave",  and if I "really repented 'enough'?"  Lord, I pray and hope and thank You for the fact that You provide answers to me all the time.  If I am looking......hoping......praying?.......for answers.......You provide them.  Thankfully, I was listening.  I heard You.  Loud and clear.  You are a gracious, loving God and I thank You for helping me understand.  Thankfully, for me and You understanding that I need a picture drawn for me......You drew the picture......in words and in indelible ink.  Thank You.  I feel I can breathe again.  Onward and upward I go.....with Your grace, I pray.

And, Lord.....all I write and say to You.....I never mean to be disrespectful.  I just can be so obtuse.  I understand there are times You need to use Your outside voice....inside.
I pray in the name and will of Jesus Christ.  Amen.  P.S.  Lord, forgive me too for using my outside voice to You.....occasionally.  I hate it when John says,  "Why do you have to yell like that?"  "Who, me?"  I say.   YES! YES!  AND, YES!   I must be going deaf.  Yes, thats it.  Thats why I am talking so loud.  Help, Lord.  I need help all the time. Amen, again!

Lord.....I come to You, today.....to talk about a friend that You've  allowed to be in my life.  I have this need to talk to her and tell her how I feel. Sometimes it is hard to put our feelings into words.

I remember when I met her.  She was attending the church we were newly pastoring.  She and her husband were a vital part.  They were faithful and committed.  That alone, set them apart.

There were of course, dinners at their home.....after church potlucks....desserts shared.....games and good fellowship every time we met.  One day in particular I was invited by my friend to "take a ride".  She proceeded to just drive and  talk and vent her feelings on what she was going through at the time.  I was quiet.  I am a listener, by nature, so it wasn't hard....I was just touched.  I remember thinking....."I can't believe she is telling me this! 
"Wow! She must really trust me!", I thought.  And, that particular thought......endeared her even more to me.  It's not often people tell their heart thoughts.  Very few folks ever trust anyone enough to "tell" how they feel....and believe it will stay with that person.  I was  grateful she chose me.  I have often thought....."How do I help those in need?"  After a few years I've come to the conclusion that it is not necessary for me to have "answers" to the dilemmas that folks get themselves in.  I am grateful for finding that all people need..... most of the time.....is someone to listen to them.  They don't need my "expertise" on anything.  They don't need to hear a "story" from my past to liken it to how they may feel.  All is needed is a listening ear and perhaps a shoulder to cry on.  And, perhaps, a kleenex!

I knew then...that I would also be able to trust her.  I did find that she loved me and entrusted my thoughts to her heart.  She prayed for me and with me.  When You give us what we need.....sometimes, we  don't realize it.  I have , for many years, needed a friend that I could trust.  When she and her husband moved away from us.....I knew then what a loss it was to me.  But, I knew, having her cell phone number would keep her close to me.  For us both....it would be a lifeline.  I thank You, Lord, that I had this woman to talk to. 

Her life became very hard.....very fast.  After they moved to their retirement dream home......she found herself alone, without her love, in just a very few months.  She's never been the healthiest of souls.  She's always had health issues that threatened her life.  Lord, You've given her a loving heart....although very weak.  Her resources are limited to keep her well.  Her loving daughter is beside herself trying to make the best decisions...for her survival.


How in the world do You decide when our time is done here on earth, Lord?  It is sad when we are aware that the possibility of us living much longer is coming to an end.
Some see it as relief.  Some are ill prepared.  Some need a hand to hold.  Or is it, the other way around?  I guess none of us really know how close we have come to death and have been saved through Your intervention.  You are the master of our lives.  I trust You.  And, I trust You for the woman I call my friend. 

I thank You, Lord.....for her love.  I thank You for her kindness and generous spirit.  Her laughter and beautiful smile still ring in my heart.  Give her exactly what she needs.  Help her rest in the knowledge that she is totally in Your care.....and trusts You to make the best decisions for her and those she loves so much.

You are a gracious God.  We are loved.....because of You.

All of this I pray in the name of Jesus.  Amen.  

PS.....I find I need a little extra help here......hold her close, Jesus.  Perhaps feeling a little breathless.....and, at a loss for what is happening.....Oh Lord.....hold her tight.....so there is no question.  I trust You, Jesus......to let her know, beyond a shadow of a doubt....that, YOU, dear One.....are there. Thank You, Lord.

Lord, I'm wondering.....how can I have writer's block when I am writing to You?  I mumble, complain, ask, seek, and knock for days.....and I just can't seem to ever get it right. I hate to appear too needy.  But, then.....I tend to want to run the show!  That does get me into trouble!   Too often I am pleading.  Now Lord, I think You know about my heart.  You know when I need to make a change there.  You also know all about my nesting instincts.  How desperate am I for an answer?  What will I do if I don't like the answer You give to me?  When will I stop acting like a child?  Can I truly know that whatever door opens......is the right door?  In all I ask, and in all I do, I honor You, dear Lord.  I realize that there are letters I've written to You that do not show a lot of "honor".  I guess that is because I am too human.  Honestly, I'd like to tell You how thankful I am for the forgiveness You freely give. I'd like to be more than You would ever expect me to be.  I'd like to have more sense than You would ever expect me to have.  Jesus...Lord of all.....show me what is Your perfect plan.  And, I pray, dear Lord, that You would show me what is right.  By Your word very often...by Your teaching and constant abiding....I have learned and lived to accept the decisions You have encouraged me to make.  Is that how it works, Lord?  So often....I have gone by what I think is best.  What I like.  How I feel.  Enjoying more pro's than con's.  And, all of the other etcetera's.  Lord.....I think You know my heart.  All of the years that I have encountered Your presence in the decision making areas of my life.....there are only a few I have questioned.  Yet, I know and appreciate all of the side roads and valleys I have tread upon.....I have learned and grown, spiritually speaking.  I depend on You, dear One.....to give me wisdom and clarity to discern the spirits that cause such confusion.  I ask for Your guidance in all I do. 

Thank You, Lord....for all the answers in the past that have led me to this point.  For all I ask and speak of.....I do it in the name of Jesus.  Amen. 

You know, Lord......sometimes......trying to write to You in this particular format is so frustrating.  I know my computer is acting up and gives me trouble several times a day....but, of course, when I am wanting to write, give You praise, and honor You for Your presence in my life......and the screen goes blank.....(and doesn't come back)....makes me think the evil one is at work again. I find Lord, that, so often when I write.....am I imagining that satan is looking over my shoulder?   I do not know what all of his capabilities are. Do I have to plead the blood of Jesus to cover me and all my needs and anxiousness too?  All I know is....it is in You that I give my whole heart.  It is in You that I trust that no one or no thing could ever fulfil the needs I have.  No exceptions.  I realize that my will and my desire to please You, is the final insistence I will wield....no matter what.  I was so impressed on Sunday, when You revealed something to me I had never realized before.  In the book we are currently working on-  Kyle Idleman's writings in "Not a Fan".....are so perfectly simple I can't help but understand what it means .  I believe it to be true.  (It took years for me to realize that everything on a printed page is NOT truth that I can believe in.)  Thank You Lord for showing this to me.  Now that I've seen it......I'm not sure how to go forward , but be assured, I will.  The section we read on Sunday, just floored me.  Going to Your servants who  described  their stories in pages of the holy scriptures is something that I think all of us would like to do some day in heaven.  I can't imagine not asking Moses what it felt like to come down from the mountain and see the people he led out of Egypt.....dancing around a golden calf.  Or, ask Joseph what it was like to be able to help his brothers keep from starving in the famine....and they didn't realize it.  Lord, when I think about these men asking me how it felt to see my mother in the worst possible condition a human could be in after a debilitating stroke......and stand by her through it....and feel the Holy Spirit holding me close.....and then also,  to continue to have this same presence infilling me so I could encourage her and have strength to endure with her the five remaining years she lived.  "Uh.....I'm not sure, fella's....I didn't realize I had all that power lifting me and holding me together!"  That's not much of an answer, Lord. That's pathetic.  I'm so sorry.
 I wonder, Lord....did I realize at the time that it was Your infilling that gave me that courage?  It was.  Now that I think back,  It was Your divine presence that gave me the will to go on  and live through it with her.  That's probably what made it the worst for me.  Knowing she was aware that she couldn't walk anymore.  Or, lift a fork to her mouth.  Or, speak.  Or, breathe on her own.  She was totally aware that she was totally dependent.  Lord...I am sorry that I never realized that You were the reason I survived that time.  Your plan to infill us with Your perfect plan for us......when You weren't here for us to touch.....was ideal.  When the ladies and I discussed this in class on Sunday.....I felt so remiss.  I have had so many experiences in my life when I depended on You desperately for immediate help.  Your spirit led me, guided me, comforted me, lifted me......and I didn't even realize how all of that worked.  Moses, David, Joseph, and even Mary as she gave birth ......all of them were living their lives without the Holy Spirit encouraging and lifting them.  I've often thought how wonderful it would be to have you close by so I could speak with You face to face.....touch You.....feel Your hand on my shoulder as You listen to me......but, now, since I have read this and understand it......I think, Lord, that You have provided for us the best of both worlds.  In my heart and mind, when I speak to You, I am believing, dear One, that You are near me.....listening with bated breath......holding on to my every word urging me to speak freely.  For pete's sake, Lord, I can't even talk in public without being interrupted by another who has something more important to say.  To believe You love me that much, is amazing to me.  Thank You for the messages You give to me.  Thank You for allowing me to continue to grow.  For urging me onward.....making me want to try to be ALL You need for me to be.  I am Your servant.  I want to be all You expect me to be.  Whether I am planting a seed or reaping a harvest....I care not.  To be used by You, for Your kingdom, is my heart.

I speak all of this to You.....in the name of Jesus Christ.  Amen.

Dear One.....Thank You.  You are so loved.  Regrettably, I don't show my love to You often enough or use enough words to express myself.  I depend on You.  I expect too much from You.  I never want to find myself taking the wonderful blessings I am a recipient of, for granted.  That is so easy to do.  I go skipping from place to place, (Hah!  Lord, only in my mind's eye do I skip!) thinking about what I should be doing or places I should be going or ......the list goes on.  I understand a few things.  "Do you want to go to lunch?"....."Maybe, do a little shopping?"
 I guess I would say to You that I ought to broaden my horizons a bit.  Now, Lord.....as I just wrote that line......the phone rang and I recognized the number and picked up.  It was a friend from church asking.....not, if I wanted to go to lunch......or shopping.  Your sense of humor kills me Lord.  You really have to be getting a kick out of this!  No.....she didn't want any of those things I previously mentioned.  She wanted me to accompany her in visiting a really nice lady that has recently become homebound.  Did You see me, Lord?  Did You "get" that I almost said, "no".  What I actually came out with was...."Oh......uh.......I......uh.....!"  Lord, I make myself tired.  I tell You how I want to be.....I ask You to help me......You do......and I almost immediately want to "conveniently forget" what I just asked for.  Okay.  Enough for "Learning Moments!"  And, I hope You feel better.  I don't, right now, anyway... but, You of course, know that I will, in a little while. Obedience counts with You and I know it to be true.  It's so "not" what I want to do.  My head hurts a little more now.  My knee's are still hurting me.  I'd like to lay here on the couch......play a game of "Mahjong" or eat a leisurely brunch.....but, I'll I go and be Your instrument.  You are going to have to supply the necessary strength and vision that I don't have or see or feel right now.   I know You will.  The times You reach out and grab me and hold my feet to the fire are not that often.  I am willing to be willing.  I'm thankful for the precious spirit of God that keeps urging us closer to the heart of God.  When my husband looked at me today and said, " I really want to live till I am 100......like Grannie Bell did...".......I just sort of inwardly groaned. " And,  I think I will be a greeter at Walmart", he continued.   Lord, have mercy!  I have no words.  I don't even know what to say.  Something like....."You may have to do this with a different wife......I probably won't be here!"  Or not?   Thankfully, You know the end.....as well as the beginning!  I am grateful for that.  Your love extends to all of us who worship Your name.  I am blessed by that fact.  And, guess what, Lord?  I am at peace with the knowledge that You allow what is best for me.  I need to always keep in mind that You love me and will help me LIVE for You.
All my silliness in my prayer and my insistence that You indeed laugh and cry with us.....still sends me to the foot of the cross where You take our sorrows and burdens upon Yourself.....and do with them what You will.  I speak all in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

"I'm sorry, Lord"...... is what I say when I'm scrambling to find the last "out loud" prayer I posted!  How could I be so absent minded?  Good grief!  It's been nearly a month since I posted a prayer.  Yes.....I know.....we have talked.  But, I think posting is important too.  People need to know that they can come to You at any time.  Morning, noon or night.  In battle, or out of battle.  If you're (we're) out of battle.....it won't be long before "he's back....".  Satan makes me sick.  Most of the time I won't even capitalize his name....I wish though, Lord......that I could prove him significant at all.  Why is it that when I feel all is going pretty well.....my name, when mentioned, brings a smile and not a look of disgust......why is it that just one negative word, wipes out all the good?  The enemy seems to never tire of his work.  He really must pay his imps overtime.  Speaking the name of Jesus really should count for more.  Yes, he does leave.....for a time.....but, then just as you are striving to relax.....he comes back with another hit.  Lord.....I'm not blaming You.  You have an ideal plan.  I'm the one that is the problem.  I just get lazy.  I forget.  I get annoyed.  At times, I feel like it does no good at all.  Isn't that awful, Lord.  I get ashamed of myself at that cold reality.  I can see why the devil thinks he wins and I lose.  Because, I actually make a statement like I just did....proving his power to annihilate my spiritual condition.  He sees that if he keeps up the negative hits.....he'll have me soon....just by remaining faithful to his cause.  Lord....You have just got to help me to NOT be lackadaisical in my spiritual walk.  I have to remember that You will not forsake me.  You will not leave me.  I have committed myself to Your care.  You have forgiven my transgressions.  You love and adore me.  I am Your child.  You  disciple me.  You show me where I should go.  You lead me by "still waters".  You restore my soul.  There are many, many more wonderful things You give to me.  Your forbearance,  Your ever-present forgiving nature are life saving.  My job, I feel is to never forget that.  Not to ever take it for granted.  I do forget it, though, my dear One.  I am ashamed of that.  I will endeavor to allow Your sweet Spirit to overwhelm me until I cannot sleep.....or breathe properly.  I need to constantly be aware that my spiritual state is at risk.  I cannot allow the enemy to get away with the tactics he uses.....whether it is a busy schedule or ill health......that makes my need to stay alert a bit hazy.  I will plead the blood of Jesus.....I will speak the name of Jesus Christ.....I will call upon the Lord.......and I will trust in the Strong Tower of my salvation.
Help me, Jesus.....to never forget Your promises.  I speak the words of this prayer in the name of Jesus.  I thank You, dear Jesus for Your blessings.  Amen.

Dear One.....I do wish one thing.  That You would give me a shove and a shake.  I get so tired of "being sorrowful"......or, "sick at heart".....when I really have only precious gifts....and blessings too abundant to count. A couple of calls yesterday....and I hear, "What's wrong?"  Lord, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG.  Still....I moan like a pathetic loser.  I AM NOT A LOSER.  Still.....I continue to feel like one.  I read.  I write.  I try to think.  I try to teach.  I try to give good leadership.  I try. I try. I try.  And, still..... I feel like such a .........well, I won't write it out loud.  (My poor family hates when I speak negatively about myself.)    I am Yours.  That is one thing I am sure of.  I am an instrument of Your choosing to be a help to You.....not a hindrance.  Recently receiving a letter of commendation to my worthiness.....I quickly sloughed it off as the evil one would have me do.  I replaced all the compliments with satan's lies.  Each thing, I replaced with....."If they only knew....".  Dear One......please give me a transplant.  I feel like I need another  start.  New batteries.  New juice.  New kick start.  And...then....I wonder.  How long will this work?  How long do I go before I need another jolt.  Shoot, Lord!  I need a resuscitation implant. I know.  I talk silly.  Actually, Lord.....I prefer You do the jolting of my being.  I thank You, Father, for the devotionals that spark my heart.  I like the ones that speak to me changing and being at my best for You.  I like the ones that speak to my being willing to change habits and reactions to what I can't change at all.  It isn't possible for me to help anyone if I continue to walk around in a fog.  I need to be aware of the example I set with my demeanor in limbo.  Raise me up, Lord.....to a new place.  Set me up on the rock, Christ Jesus.  Give me another pair of shoes....that don't give me the blisters of resistant feet.  Arm me with Your words of compassion and understanding.  I am losing out on all counts.  The words I read this week sort of said it all.  I can't get them out of my head.  The excuses I come up with to make excuses sound better, need to stop.  It does little for me.  I need to accept that there are things that I can change.  And, I have or will continue to further that goal for You.....but, I need to accept  that there are some things You have no plan to change at all.... things that You do not want changed.  Somehow, Lord Jesus.....that possibility never occurred to me.  There is no new revision to this particular edifice. You want me to live victoriously with what You have laid out for me.....and probably want me to stop complaining about it.  Right?  "Yeah!  That's what I figured is what I really feel like saying......" but, I will try to change that as long as I can......and accept that perhaps this thorn that I feel just about all of the time.....will be a thorn I can live with and not make excuses for....and eventually be thankful for......maybe, even to say it.....and believe it too.  Is that even possible?  I'm going to rest with that for now, Lord.  I'm going to see how this fits.  I say with determination.....You have given me much to think about.  Help me, Jesus.  I depend on You .  I thank You and praise You.  I speak all of this in the name of Jesus.  Amen. 

I have been wondering, Lord......and since You know me so well.....that's not always good.....but, You have always been the source of my strength......and any wisdom that comes from my lips is included in that strength. What I wonder is how you intended our family to be.  Thinking about families of the scriptures...I see many different kinds.  I am the daughter of a kind, gentile, soft-spoken man....who was a pastor and a jack-of-all-trades.  He was so much like You, Lord.  I loved him and found him to be a man I could trust .....always.  I don't know if I ever disappointed him.....he never mentioned it.  He spanked me once or twice for sassing my mother.  Otherwise, I was a perfect child!  Mom was harder to deal with.  I felt like anything I did was not ever good enough for her.  I am not sure if that is normal or not.  I really never knew any different.  Three brothers and myself as the oldest rounded out our family.  I remember feeling sure I was loved....and never questioned it.  We were on the fringe of being poor.....but, I never felt like I was.  I'm not sure how they managed that.  I felt that we were a close family.  As I married, Lord.....I knew that even with all of the drama my mother created about him.....I had married the right man for me.  Never really discussing having a family.....we began creating one a couple years after we married.  We were Blessed by You, dear One.  Five of the most beautiful babies I had ever seen in my life were given to us.  I will forever be grateful for the apparent trust You had in us to raise these children.  They are grown now.  And, You have chosen to keep me sort of long distances from them.  I could very possibly be an interfering mom if given too many chances.  My goal was to pray instead....and let You handle the details of their lives.  Their spouses?  I prayed and hoped and believed that my interjections of "what I thought" were God centered.  Lord....You always know best.  Even the shattered dreams.....are sometimes turned into the glue that helps pay the repair bill.....when ultimately turned over to You.  Anyway, Lord....I have thought and re-thought what it takes to make a close family.  (i.e. close-knit; solid; impenetrable)  I haven't really read anything lately that strikes me as an answer to my queries.  As I fixed supper last night, I was watching/listening to an episode of "The Walton's".  Mary Ellen was in a wanderlust sort of mood and kept running off to see if she could satisfy these longings in her heart.  She decided she did not want to "enjoy" the comforts of home anymore and didn't want what it offered.  The family was desperately trying to make some money by picking apples from a neighbors orchard.  Certain reward for a job well done.  She was not interested in the slightest.  Everyone seemed to have the greatest patience with her moaning and complaining and sassing.  Even her running off to parts unknown "to think".  As I entertained how her family loved her through this time.....I thought of the story of the  Prodigal Son.  Unfettered by the strings of home and the responsibilities, he came to his senses after a time of loss and sadness.  Choosing to accept the love and devotion of those who welcomed him......(and Mary Ellen too,) back.....I think, Lord....shows that You are the one who provides this willingness to show that we, as  a people, need the unconditional love a family can offer.  And, not only need it, but can give it, too.....without holding it over each other's heads forever.  That love....the unconditional kind is hard to manage.  It can be done.  Being able to "go home" and feel you are loved and appreciated is another gift I think family should be able to execute.  Every day, it seems the "rules" change.  Lord, help us to remember the rules You originally set down in stone.....that do not change......ever.  Lying, coveting, using the Lord's name in vain, stealing, murdering, dis-honoring our parents.  It is the acceptance of what other's do and say without having to use it as a pulpit to preach "the truth" as we see it.  Lord......I love the way You move in and out and through our lives.  I love the way You show me what not to say.....after I say it.  Even the hoops I feel I have to jump through to get myself back into Your good graces......it's good for me, Lord.  Bottom line:  I already am in Your good graces. I keep forgetting that.  Jesus, help me.  Guide me.  Encourage me.  Love me.  Forgive me.  Show me.  Forgive me again.
Thank You, Lord.  I speak this prayer in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

I think You are amazing, God!  Let all the people praise You. Oh, dear One..... I wish they all would.  Wouldn't that be amazing?  'Course, here I am, sitting at Your feet or nearby.....for the inspiration to write.  It seems I always have to have a reason......and yet, I know I do not need one.  Bottom line for me though, is, if I intend to accomplish anything today, I need to write to You.  I can't even think straight.
Earlier this week I read at the end of a devotional, words that really described me.  I know You probably put it in my line of vision so I could utilize this in my prayer.  C.S.Lewis is an icon of sorts for his prolific writings, that many enjoy.  Children and adults alike.  I hate to say it out loud, Lord.....but, I can read pages of his work and never understand one word he is saying to me, the  reader.  This quote, however, spoke volumes to me.....because it sounded like something I feel all the time.  Just in case You need to be reminded, Lord, I quote.....
                    "I pray because I can't help myself.....I pray 
                      because I am helpless....I pray because the 
                      need flows out of me all the time-waking and 
                      sleeping.....It does not change God- It changes
                      me."  C.S.Lewis  
  Another thing I read only this morning was that "Praying at all times.....is to take up the pen of faith and pray without ceasing.....and to pray words of praise, intercession or supplication as the need arises."  Does that make me appear to be a "goody-two shoes"?  I am not.  You know it.....don't You?  I am Your child....trying as hard as I can (most of the time) to behave myself.  As I watched the children in VBS this week.....as an almost 70 year old woman, my thoughts were....when am I ever going to really grow up?  The feelings and anxieties over "what people think.....and why they think it .......the fears of  worries that plague me.......the dreams and hopes for tomorrow".....all seem to surround my thinking.  Jesus, only You can alleviate the dreaded fears that threaten to make me cower in the corner-basically believing the enemies' lies.  When this happens, he knows I am completely ineffective for You and the kingdom.  Lord, with all my heart, my desire is to be like You.  To be the example for You in whatever state I happen to be in.  I remember, time after time when leaving the nursing facility my mother lived in....I wondered why You allowed her life to seemingly wither away.  I remember, after she was no longer conscious.....going to her room and seeing a worker just standing at the foot of her bed, staring at her.  She responded to my question of why she was there with a simple but succinct answer.  "Because I needed some peace......and when I look at Sylvia.....I see peace."  I knew then, Lord, that no matter what state we happen to be in.....You can use us.  We can always continue to be an instrument of peace.....wherever and whenever You choose.  I concede, Lord.  If peace is what You need people to see in me.....I beg You....let it be so.  You are the delight of my heart.  I thank You for Your presence.....for speaking to me through the scriptures I read and the happenings of a day.
I pray in the name of Jesus.  Amen. 

A Prayer for Madison

Lord......One of Your little ones has come to the point in her life when she walks across the platform of a school gym......and receives a diploma for her mastery of a High School education come to fruition.  She is at the top of her class.  She is headed to a prestigious college for the duration to study for her selected profession. Lord, she'll be stepping into the arena of new and exciting ideas, plans, and other's expectations.  She will see and hear the inner thoughts of the other students who have come to the same place.....perhaps, and most likely,  already disenchanted with the world and their own expectations.  Lord, I ask that as my sweet Madison enters into the unknown....she will hold to the philosophy that she has been born to.  The inner work of grace that an individual experiences when their life has been given to You, dear One.  Being at the beginning of this new adventure for her is perhaps, scarier for us (as we watch her go) than for her.  No one knows what will happen next.  The goals can be set and determination to reach that place can happen.....or something entirely out of the blue, can turn us in another direction.  My prayer for this granddaughter of mine.....(mine and her Pappy's) is that You would guide her in the plan YOU have for her.  To be successful is admirable.  To be successful in the endeavors You plan for us as Your children, supersede any other.  I ask, Lord, that the ultimate goal for her would be to enjoy her days as a student....planning her future.  That You would protect.....in every sense her heart and mind against the foils of the enemy.  I ask that You would give her wisdom in knowing that the armour of protection will protect her.  The helmet of salvation, the sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God......the breastplate of righteousness,  and shoes prepared with the gospel of peace.  All of these, Lord, sometimes seem silly and child like.  Thinking about it as an adult though, makes me feel that understanding the issues that You knew would  affect us and even, plague us, are impossible to ignore.  The enemy is watching and waiting.  Protect our girl.  Keep her strong in You. We count on You going with her.
Our hope and our joy is watching our children grow and glow in You.  Now, we watch another grandchild find her way.  She has made us proud .  We love and adore her.  Her parents stand back in unbelief at the beauty she has become.....both inside and out.  And.....Lord, we give you praise and adoration for the wonderful gifts You allow us to have.  We bless You and thank You for our gifts.  And, we ask all of this in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

Most of the time, Lord.....I open my "out-loud" prayer like this. I have followed the rules in the past......on "How to Pray".  But, Lord,  I like to just pick up where I left off.  I like to just keep adding to the saga which happens to be my life.  One where I have given You access to every nook and cranny.  Full disclosure.  Nothing is hidden from You.  You have every key to all the rooms of my house!  Yes.  There are things I have confided in You.  I don't intend on ever  being disrespectful in any way.  The cleansing of my heart required a full and complete work.  Something "Stanley Steemer" can't do. And, Father.....I am fully aware that You are a powerful God and able to do anything You desire.  Lord, You are amazing.  And, gracious to me.  I can never show my thankfulness enough.  I am blessed beyond any measure, I could have asked.  Loved.  Even honored.  I can hardly believe it.  I wish I felt like I was doing You justice by being Your child.  Of course You know  I feel so inept at times.
Trying to honor You with my words often ends badly.  The enemy would never have me honor You, Father.  And, sometimes after I have tried to say what is in my heart, I  wish I hadn't tried.  I think I need to stick to writing.....only because, You know exactly what I am trying to say.  Several times yesterday in the worship time I felt the need to speak.....and,  did.  But, I wonder, Lord.... does anyone hear?  As I listened to the soloist  yesterday, I knew the song was special.  "I'm so tired of being stirred....but, never changed"......was a line that stood out to me.  I do feel Lord....we all have those times......when we are stirred.   It is pretty much like  the  conviction that comes upon us.....but,  if we do not make a concerted effort to change (what we are stirred about).....You can do nothing for us.  We have to ......(i.e.) I have to......make it happen.  You do the work.  It's not hard.  It  just takes a time of actual commitment to allow You to do the work.  Sometimes I think You have made it entirely too easy to live for You, Lord.  I do appreciate how You love me, dear One.  
I will live the way You want me to live.  I will.  I will do what You ask me to do.  I will.  (I have to admit, this is harder.)  I will also say what You need for me to say.  I will.  And.....I will be quiet as long as You help me.  Just  have duck tape handy.  You really have to help me make this a reality.  I think it's better that way.
Give me Your grace....and Your strength today.  I need Your touch on my life today.  I pray always, Lord....in the name of Jesus.  Amen. 

I wish.....just once.....I could write without interruption.  I used to think it was  because I was such a "busy bee".....but, it isn't.  I started my day, Lord.  I read and re-read some of my devotional pieces.....even, wrote some down for clearer thoughts.  I played a few games.....and then thought, well.....it's time to prepare the bedrooms for the kids.  (Keep them safe while they drive and fly for the weekend wedding that is happening, please Lord?)  And, then on my quest to prepare for that.....I'm drawn back to the computer for a talk with You.  It's okay, Lord.  You don't have to feel bad for keeping me away from my work!!!  I digress.  Anyway, I settle down to write....setting up the lettering and large print for those of us that need it.....and I hear the chicken I put on the stove to cook, boiling over.  (I thought the wooden spoon over the top of the pot would keep that from happening.)  Oh, well its a double boiler....I guess that doesn't count.  Lord, I spend five minutes cleaning up the mess......and, grit my teeth.  Of course I blame the delay on the evil one.  He knows its hard for me to concentrate on my writing.....he knows it doesn't take much to distract me.....and he also knows, I keep deliberating whether or not.......ENOUGH!  I was going to go over the same old ground.  Sorry.   Please Jesus, help me get this out.  You know I need to talk to You.  It makes everything easier to take..... when I can do that.  Talking has always been hard for me......and once I started trying, I haven't had all that much peace about it.  All last week, I could not get heads or tails out of any of my devotionals. This week.....I have been blasted with devotionals and  verses of scripture about listening.  I've always been a pretty good one.....listener, that is.  And, I always enjoyed asking the questions to allow that to happen.  All you have to do is look at the person so they know you are listening.....and nod occasionally.  I guess the reason I started thinking I should start talking more is because I found myself nodding at things I didn't agree with or like.  Now, I occasionally find myself preparing a statement WHILE someone is speaking.....so, I can make my point too.  Lord, I don't like me.  I think You need to change this for me.  I want to be useful to You.  I want to be Your instrument to change the hearts of people if I can do so.  And, I think to do that.....You must find me worthy of trust.  My ideas are  the really Your ideas..... the ones that YOU give me.....to my language of understanding.  They are the only ones I can count on being right....and gracious.....and level headed.  You are the Redeemer, I am not.  You are the risen Lord.  I only serve You.
I would venture to say.....Thank You, dear One.  "I   EXALT  THEE.   THEE.  I  EXALT   THEE.  I   EXALT   THEE ...... O,  LORD."
Now, I thank You for checking me.  Out of the mouth comes what is in the heart......is that a scripture, Lord?  I think it sort-of  is written in Your word.  And, when I chew on things I don't like...or agree with.....Well, Lord.....I don't think You are happy with the result.  "CHANGE   MY  HEART, O,  GOD......MAKE  IT  EVER  TRUE........CHANGE  MY HEART, O GOD.......HELP  ME BE LIKE  YOU."
I pray in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

I am wondering, Lord.....could You light a fire underneath me?  I need to write more.....I need to express myself to You more.....I get tired of talking and no one really hears what I say.  You know that I have trouble getting to "my point" pretty often.....and I'm very aware I'm taking too long.....etc., etc.....and,  I always feel like I have to give the "back story".....and by the time I do that, I have practically forgotten the point of the whole thing.  Lord.....I am thankful that since You already know the "back story", I am a little more at ease with You.  Thank You, dear One, for that.  I was reminded this morning as I read another devotional from "Joni" of the verses You gave to me at a time when I was at the end of my rope.  Oh, Lord.  You saved me that day....and the days after.  I could not see any end to my plight.  My family had gone home.  My brothers had to get back to work......and, "since I didn't have a 'job'.....I had to stay!"  My mother had suffered a catastrophic event.  I thought  I was a pathetic choice, Lord.  All I could think about was me.....when my mother was in the most precarious position in her life.  Completely paralyzed from her shoulders down.....unable to speak aloud......move, or breathe on her own.  Yes, I am ashamed to admit it.....I was thinking about me. Not right away of course.  I give myself a little credit.....but, as time wore on.....days, weeks, months......ah, yes......the "selfish" part of me took over.   It was awhile until You could get my attention.  I was so busy "attending" to and "listening" to the needs of my mom....grieving for her plight.....wondering if I could ever go back to my family.....making huge decisions that would mean life or death for her with the specialists who were trying to keep her alive.  I was overwhelmed, to say the least.  I depended on the prayers of others.  All I could manage were the ones that required the fewest words.  "Help".  "Show me, Lord".  I prayed those in every other breath.  I was tired and tried.  I couldn't breathe.  I was begging for someone to save me, silently.  And, then, finally You spoke to me through the scripture.  I'll never forget it.  Well, actually, sometimes.....I do.  But, You reminded me this morning again!  "You are my servant.....I have chosen you.....I have not rejected you.....I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  From Isaiah 43..... I could finally breathe.....I could not believe what I had read.  I wrote it down and stuck it in my purse, Lord.....remember?  I told everyone that came in that day, unabashedly, that God had given me that verse....and that I thought it was for my mother too.  I remember looking at her and quoting the verse to her.  I realized that in her mind and heart, she just might be thinking....."What in the world did I do to end up in this mess?"  I wanted her to know that YOU hadn't rejected her; or that You were punishing her.  I wanted her to know that You had chosen her  and me too.....to show Your power and grace to all who were looking on.  Lord, after all of these years, I still believe it.  I'm so glad You reminded me again.
Knowing that the next phone call could change our lives forever should urge anyone to stay close to Jesus....always.  We always seem to find something else to do.  I'm so grateful, Lord, for Your power to move the mountains that block our view.  I pray for Your sustaining power to give me peace.  
I pray in the name of Jesus.  Amen and amen.

So.....Lord of heaven....Savior of the world......I woke up hearing  "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."  I thought to myself....."Good grief!  It's not scripture......it's a song! "  I imagine there is something close to that in the scripture.  It seems that even though the secular world tries to blot You out of their comings and goings.....You continue to pop up.  I am appalled anymore at the nonsense we hear all the time.  The constant flow of talk of "God" and how any mention of His name is berated and the influence of prayer to this "God" is loathed.  "I  KNOW  WHOM  I HAVE  BELIEVED  AND  AM  PERSUADED  THAT  HE  IS ABLE....TO  KEEP  THAT  WHICH  I'VE  COMMITTED ......UNTO  HIM  AGAINST  THAT  DAY". When I am not even aware that I am quoting hymns or Your Word, Lord......I expect that You are standing behind it.  I am thankful for it.  For the experiences of other people, christian or not, I pause to speak ill of them.  For all intents and purposes.....I have.  Sometimes as I read Your divine words.....I don't understand what I am reading.  According to Peter, scriptures  do have to be sifted as sand......some words await a brighter hope,  a deeper understanding, and a level of thinking that I heretofore have not experienced.  Lord of all....I will believe that You are my guide as I try to get through the stuff of life.  I can only teach what I believe to be true, according to Your word and my own understanding.  I grow spiritually when my understanding of Your word co-insides with my personal experience.  It draws me near to You, when I realize that You, dear One.....understand the thoughts in my heart and mind.  As I endeavor to listen and have any advice for someone who needs Your words illustrated.....I pray and lean on You for that divine interpretation.  I contend that if I pray and believe....You will provide the understanding I need to have.  So many of Your children think they are so much smarter than I am......and love to flaunt it.  It makes me feel weak and a little stupid.  I will keep my level of understanding.....in Your hands.  When I have sufficiently learned what I need to from Your perspective....then, Lord.....and only then, will I move onto a higher plane......or is it going to be downhill from here!?  I'm getting to the four-score and ten pretty quickly.  I guess that's Your business too, Lord.  Just remember, Lord.....I asked long ago, that I will be a sweet testimony for You....when I am old.  Tell me again.....What is old?  Blessings on You, Jesus.  I am thankful for Your sacrifice for me.  Amen and amen......in Your name I speak......and ask all I do.

Lord, as I write You from time to time on this blog site.....I do wonder if You get weary from all the day to day stuff I write about.  I , of course, think You get weary just from my level of understanding of scriptures and what they truly mean.  I falter when I think that I should be a "little wiser" at this point in my Christian walk.....wiser in Your Word, that is......and that makes me hesitate consistently to back up, re-think what I am writing, and perhaps even, not write You at all.  I hate to think that as others read my prayers, I'm perceived as weak......or pathetic......not even rowing with both oars!  Often, Lord....I know I talk to You about this.....and think I have it settled......and then, it comes back again, like the "whack a mole" theory.  Lord, the bottom line is that I have always had this "pleaser" mentality.  Not so much for everyone else (Yeah, right....eh, Lord?) but, for You, dear One.  Yes, I want You to be pleased with my comings and goings, my words and my attitude.  I am realistic enough to know that when I get irked and respond in an unkind or hateful manner.......You tolerate my outbursts.....but You are not pleased.  Lord, I'm not sure what I even mean here.  You are continuing with the molding process, I assume.....and, that makes me feel that You are in charge.  When someone asks my opinion....I immediately go into SOS mode believing that my words will be guided by You.  You will be doing the talking. 
When I look at the prayers I send Your way, Lord....I really do wonder if You get tired of the same requests, day in, and day out.  I do wonder if You are thinking...."Please, not this again?  Can't You
listen?  Don't You get it.....?  I do get sick of this.  I love you, Corrine but You get on my last nerve! "  I am bound by a scripture I remember from James 1:5  "To any of you that lack wisdom.....ask God....who giveth to all liberally (and never scolds you for asking) and it shall be given him."  It does help me.....but, that fear of "asking again" comes back.  Lord, I am here to exclaim that it really is too bad that others may feel I am weak.....or needy.....that I have no confidence in my own decisions.....I will avail myself of Your wisdom in every bit and piece You will give me.  One day it will not matter what others think.  "The Other's"......being those who remain nameless, yet feel they are qualified to run everyone else's life......or worse yet, tell You how You should think or live or speak.  
Hmmmm.....Lord, I'm not even sure why I said all that.  Perhaps it's coming my way.....and You're helping me head it off.  I will go look for some of that armor I should be wearing.  Here I go, looking on the floor of the closet for that breastplate of righteousness I should be wearing today.  Oh.....for pete's sake, there's that other shoulder pad I was looking for.  Lord,  help me to remember that the armor described in Ephesians 6, is for me to wear, not You.  I often skip into the day, not fully ready for battle.   I know the enemy will use any misstep to accomplish his goal.
Lord, I'd like to make sure.....he doesn't accomplish that goal....to ruin me.  Help me Jesus, to never forget what his end result is.....past all of the busy work of my life.
Your will, Your way, always....in my heart.  In the name of Jesus, I pray.  Amen and amen.

Lord, I find myself continually grateful that I can move and breathe, live and laugh.  I moan to You consistently that I'm tired, or sad or anxious or disgusted.....and probably will always and forever continue to do so...... but today, I thank You that I am  loved and honored.  It is a blessing to be asked to babysit for my children's children.  As I continually wipe faces, clean behinds, pick up toys, and the usual eagle eye on the lookout.....I think about Sarah having a child at 90 years.  Lord, please tell me she had handmaidens helping her.  I understand what having children is about.  You allowed me to birth five of them.....and raise them.  It is constant watchfulness.  I remember taking the children to the neighbor's swimming pool and counting heads at five minute intervals.  One, two, three.....where's three....there!  Four, five.  Whew! One, two, three, four.......okay, there's five!  Constant.  Mothering.  Loving. Disciplining.  Speaking.  Yelling?  (Who, me?) It always was something I knew I could have never done, if, You hadn't helped me think....and maneuver time and chores......I know I would have faltered.  I often hoped and prayed the choices I made for them were smart ones....up to date ones....according to Your leadership guiding me.  I'm not sure how it all happened so quickly.....maybe......more than likely.....all my decisions were not smart.....but, sincerely wrought.
Lord.....as I have chased this child through the house.....and , remember now......he's crawling!......I have thanked You for the quiet, when he takes a nap. Years ago, I caught up on housework when they slept....... As this week has proceeded.....I've prayed for long naps so I could take one too! 
Jesus.....dear sweet One.....I am thankful for the day it dawned on me that writing to You would ensure I had a devotional time each day.  I never thought of it to be anything more than a way to talk to You and let You have the worries I had about my hope and prayer that what I was doing was pretty close to right for our children. I learned quickly that everyone had an opinion about what I was doing right.....or wrong.  And, of course, it was usually the ones who had no children that spoke the loudest.  I, being so dependent on the approval of others, always found myself sinking to the depths in those times.  I am thankful, dear One, that You always lifted me and encouraged me.  I love that the devotionals and scriptures that You gave me then, are still touching my heart.  It's so funny how You speak to us through a scripture at 23, or 35, 56  or 69....and the same scripture speaks in different ways.....as goes the years and the situation I'm in.  I know it works like that for all of us that need Your constant attention.  I can't go too long without an infilling of Your spirit in my heart.....and mind.  

Thank You for loving us through all the times of our lives.  No matter where we are, what we are doing, where we are living or what we are saying......You make it so real to me.....and up to date.  All I pray and ask for.....I pray in the name of Jesus.  Amen.   

Sitting here, staring at this empty space makes me wonder if I should keep this up.  This prayer blog thing I do.  As You can see Lord, sometimes what I want to say, is for Your eyes and ears  alone.  I tend to talk to You as I do no one else. I do this only because You are the One that can fix whatever is broken for me. I expect no one else to.   I remember, years ago,  when I began reading the "Lord, Change Me!" book by Evelyn Christenson.  I was amazed at the things You inspired me to do through her writing.  I also remember teaching it.  I passed along this plethora of information because I thought "everyone" needed to see it, hear it, believe it  and adopt it into their own thinking.  It had changed me, so naturally I believed it would change others too.  I think after all of these years, three, no, maybe  four people, have told me that "Lord, Change Me!" helped them too.  Thinking about that I guess could make me feel badly that so few caught the idea and ran with it for their own spiritual growth, but, for some reason, it doesn't. Today, anyway!  I am grateful to have learned those concepts for my own life.  I recently read some scripture, on my phone as a matter of fact, and YOU spoke to me loudly and clearly.  It wasn't just a coincidence.  I know it.  You spoke to me.  I felt desperate and You knew that.  I am blessed by You.....over and over and over.  Thank You, Lord.  "Reading until You speak" is a concept that amazes me.  When You do that for me, I am filled with joy for what You can do with someones life when they allow You access.  When I read that You saw me being formed in the womb of my mother......and watched all of the organs being formed, the nerves and muscles placed.....I know, there are times I worry about the "wiring" being a little skewed.....but, You, dear One, KNOW me.  How I think.  How I process.  I am touched because of the fact that You know me and love me.  Just as I am.  My job and my joy, is to entertain angels...and be Your instrument.

Help me, Jesus.  I want to make You proud. 

I pray in the name of Jesus.  Amen.  

"Lord, I want to be.....pleasing to You.....in everything I do.  And, I want to love You more, more than words can say."  Words from the praise song we did on Sunday morning, always seem to touch me.  Of course, then I leave church.  Go out to eat lunch somewhere.  Go home and start peeling off my church clothes as I close the porch door. As I walk by....it's coat on the couch, necklace and earrings on the kitchen table, suit jacket or sweater in my arm as I hit the bedroom.  Almost the same behavior every Sunday.  Occasionally I visit with my husband, but seldom.  When I do, I wonder how he does this all the time without a break.  Lord? That's right, Lord.  I'm teaching a ladies class,  leading the praise team, occasionally exhorting a bit, playing the organ, putting on all the sweet, compliant behavior of a good pastor's wife....and believing it too....most of the time. Really, Lord.  I'm not a fake all the time.  I wake up almost every day wondering what do You want me to do for You, today.  I'm thinking......Your kind answer to me would be....."Get your act together!"  And, that is Your kind answer.  I don't want to think what else You are contemplating saying to me. I have to ask for forgiveness often because I don't actually feel all that I am acting out.  And, of course, that shames me.   I blame it on depression.....age......fatigue.....what else is there besides lazy bones behavior.  I look at what I consider what might be problem areas that I could tackle, without moving too much!  Jeepers, Lord!  Everywhere I look seems to be a problem area.  If it's not here at home.....it's at church.  And, I honestly have tried to bow out of a lot of that.  Very seldom, anymore, am I volunteering with my hand waving excitedly, yelling silently, "Pick me, Pick me!  I can do it!"  I have learned something in nearly 50 years of ministry! 

 So.....where do I turn?  What do I do?  What is the answer that would be what I would consider, heaven sent!  Oh Lord...I should know You by now.  When Your children call and I mean even silently.....perhaps,with just a sniffle......Oh my, dear One......You are so special to me.  I wasn't even sure what I was thinking/praying, yesterday. You know me well.....and that I usually am pretty clear about how I feel.  Usually after I "voice" my feelings, I shutter a bit.....wondering if , "Oh, brother, I'm in for it now!"   But, there You were.  In living color and black and white, loud and clear as a bell gonging.......and You were talking to me through Your vessels. You truly are a lamp unto my feet.....and a light unto my path.   I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that You had heard the cries of my heart thoughts......and You were giving me what I needed on the proverbial "silver platter".    So often, I give up.  I don't wait on You.  I go to my inner self and sort of sulk.  

My God lives.  He awaits our cries.....and our pleas.  I  will continue, as I have always tried to do.....to not falter, in my belief that You care and understand.  That You love and forgive as no other.  Thank You, Father.  I will press on to live for You and pray always, in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

Lord, I find it annoying that I have to write a "Lord, Change Me!" prayer before I write a prayer on my blogsite.   I am wondering if I will ever have any peace.  I do have to ask You to give me an understanding of some of my angst.  I read a book several years ago....."Where Does A Mother Go To Resign".  I could easily stand in  that line today.  Except, it's not Motherhood I'd like to resign from.  What I need, Lord....is for You to change my heart to be more empathetic.  I need for You to give me another way to view the actions of others. I need for You to show me how You would feel.....and then maybe, I could follow Your cues.  I feel so disgusted about some of the decisions Your people make.  Of course, (You know how I am), feel that any preaching, teaching, leading or guiding.....has all been for naught.  No one seems to be learning anything.   I realize, dear One, more often than not, the enemy has one thing on his mind.  Making me feel like a total loser.  I do, Lord, constantly fight that imagery.......You know that.....but, You are kind and gracious, loving and fulfilling and  I have to continue to keep my eye on the right prize.  Thank You Father.  I could not make it through without Your help.  

As I moan and groan to You about my recent plight , I think of the warriors for You we read of in the scriptures.  I never thought so much about Moses and Aaron and the Israelites.  I am so glad Lord, to know and perhaps, even understand, how very irate Moses was when he came back  from his time with You and the sacred presentation of the Commandments.  Lord, what in the world!  He entrusted His people to Aaron, while he was gone.  With the miracles the people had seen with their own eyes and the amazing experience it had to have been.....their own selfish desires and impatience drove them to be unruly and impossible to deal with.  Aaron was too weak.....but, remember, he was not God's first choice.....(it was at Moses' request that God granted him a helper). Yeah, I know, Lord.  Here I am "reminding" You of what happened.  It still irks me that Aaron was so swayed by the people and the possibility that Moses might never return.  I don't know what he was thinking.  I don't think he was thinking.  Which in a way, shows me that so many were just as "human" as I am.  Lord.....it honestly scares me that I might have been swayed to that type of behavior.  Jesus.....I need Your intervention on a regular basis.  Why?  Because even though I want to do right......even though I want to act right.....even though I want to talk right.....I don't always.  I guess I sound a little like Paul in his explanation of human behavior  I wish I could be a little better than that.  But, I will work with what I have.  I strive to be the servant for You I should be.  

So.....what did I start complaining about?  I can barely remember.  You are the answer, Lord.  I know that.  I will do what I feel You are leading me to.  I will endeavor to answer when You call.  I will.....according to the plan You have for me.

In all I ask and pray about.....it's all in the name of Jesus.
Amen.

Good morning, Lord.  I've awoken and don't seem to feel very tired.   I yawned my way through the day yesterday.....and now?
Nothing.  There is much to pray for.  That is always a fact.  And, the questions that bombard us, only tend to show us how little we really know.  After discussing a song our praise team sings today, I find myself singing it in my mind.....over and over.  These past few weeks, there have been so many odd occurrences, one after the other, I wonder how long it will be when the actual day will happen.  You know, Lord.  The one where You decide to come and get us, as Your children, and take us to be with You.  And, the song, as I repeat the lines, takes on so much meaning.  "I can only imagine....what it will be like....when I walk by Your side....I can only imagine....what my eyes will see.....when Your face....is before me....I can only imagine.  Surrounded by Your presence, what will my heart sing....".  Oh, my....dear One.....who wants to sleep then?  There will be much to see and hear.  There will be many to find who have gone on before us.  And, dear One....there will be You.  As mouthy as I find myself at times when we talk....I have a feeling, that You will find me rather quiet....awe-struck, perhaps.  "Will I stand in Your presence?  Or, to my knees will I fall.....?  Will I be able to speak at all? "  I do know this.  I will be forever grateful that You have received me and welcomed me to this beautiful place to live with You eternally. 
My goal and my primary focus, has been to "make it"!  To live according to Your will and plan for me has been quite the  journey, so far.   So much of my attention has been spent bemoaning the mistakes and the quiet, stubborn will I have nurtured along the way.  So much so, that I forget to remember that You can change our failures into  miracles.  Remember the song written years ago....."Something Beautiful"? How perfect the words were for the likes of us, who often feel so worthless.  "All my confusion.....You understood.....All I had to offer You was brokenness and strife.....but, You made something beautiful out of my life."  The choices, Lord.  Often, that is what gives us so much grief.  Sometimes, I have witnessed what seems impossible to fix.....fixed.  I wish I could yell it to everyone and make them listen.  What?  WHY  DON'T  YOU  PRAY  ABOUT  IT?  Naturally, Lord.....I realize that even after prayers have been prayed and doors seem to be ajar.....seemingly for us to go through (?)...and then, "Lo, and behold", we find it might not have been the right move.  Well, Lord.....I do know You give us rest and relief after awhile.  I remember tears shed, prayers written, and the fear of rejection realized.   I guess those would be what they call nowadays ......."teachable moments".  I think, by now, I should be a genius, Lord!  
I will remain though, Your servant, dear One.  As long as You allow me to live here on earth......I pray for divine guidance.  I want the "wrong choices" to stop.  I'm not very good at making decisions.  I analyze everything to pieces.  Somehow, Lord.....You and I have to come to the right conclusion.  I believe in the life of a Christ-centered Christian.....Your divine will for us is hovering within reach.  Sometimes, a little beyond my reach, I have to actually move to take hold of it.  But, the peace that comes with that decision, makes it pleasing to me and to You.
Lord, until I see Your face.....I want my will to coincide with Your will.  In all I do....I worship You.
In the name of Jesus Christ I pray.  Amen.

As usual, Lord, I am not keeping up my end of the bargain.  Of course, I know.....there really is no bargaining at all.....but, I still haven't done my part in our relationship.  You give, You bless, You provide, You pray, You forgive, and You love.  All of these things and so much more, I depend on from You.  Oh, dear One, how would I live without You.  There are so many blessings to thank You for.  I am so thankful for the years I have been given to live and work for You.  I have been blessed to serve.  I know too, that there have been times I didn't feel so blessed.  I moaned about being overwhelmed with jobs that I said "Yes, I'll be glad to do it!" to .....and realized years later, it wasn't always necessary for me to do the job.  Too often, I thought I was the "preacher's wife" and should do whatever I was asked to do.  One day I realized that the biggest responsibility I had was to nurture our family.  Children have to be given guidelines and taught responsibilities.  Discipline and loving assurance have to be part of the process in their growth.  I remember when that fact was shown to me one day.  All things have their time and place, all ordered by You.  I didn't realize You had a plan all along.  I remember being so frustrated because it didn't appear like You had a way for me to use my talents. I am thankful, Lord, that You did allow me to fulfill so many of my heartfelt desires.  The music. (my heart).  The nursing care that I felt so strongly about.  (When I was able to be a Caregiver for several....I felt Your strength.)  The teaching. (Classes in Women's ministry, Sunday School, Marriage Counseling) All of these things were allowed by You for me to enjoy throughout the years of our ministry.  You truly do give us far and away,  the desires of our hearts......and on top of that.....You give us "above all we could ask or think".  Lord, I thank You for the mountains and the valley's.  While I felt like I was entertaining angels on the mountaintop.....I knew You were helping me keep the door closed when the enemy was pressing in, closer and closer, to ruin what You had accomplished while allowing me to help You.  We couldn't let him win Lord.  He aims to ruin it all.  After all these years, I thank You for empowering me to keep him away.  
Lord, the process of keeping him away.....calling on You.....speaking Your name.....Pleading the blood You shed for us.  Lord, we do ask repeatedly for You to fulfill the desires of our hearts.....to bless our lives.....to give us Your wisdom.....until I sometimes wonder if You tire of our requests.  I know, I have stopped asking.....many times....(but, not for very long!) thinking that You would expect me to do a few things on my own.  After I regained my "sanity", I realized, the scripture tells us to ask You for wisdom.....and You will give it.....and never scold us for bugging You.  Excuse me for not being articulate enough, Lord, but I really felt I was annoying You with my neediness.  After a while, I will remember with joy, what You want from Your children.  
Explaining to someone the "Why's" of my obsession to bare my soul to You is impossible.  No one understands it, unless, they allow You to lead them into all truth, too.  I will never understand it.  How can I explain it?  
Thank You, dear One.  I love You and thank You for loving me.
Your grace and strength is above all I could ask or think.  I am grateful, Lord.  In all I pray, I ask in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

I'm never quite sure what I am going to say, Lord......but, during the sermon on Sunday, when we were asked what we would do if we heard Jesus was going to stop by.....(at our house).....I giggled along with some others that I'd do some quick cleaning up!  Yeah....cleaning up, alright!  I wonder if dishes in the sink or a dirty floor compare with a yucky spirit in my heart about someone or some thing.  It is funny how the enemy can deter our progress in our Christian walk with unessential worries and fear of how folks perceive my spiritual acuity.  Is acuity the right word, Lord?  I guess I have always thought that my "spiritual-ness" was a little more perfected than it really is.  Oh, dear One.  That sounds so awful.  So.....full of self.  So......unlike You.  I'm so sorry to be so human.  I guess, regrettably so.....that I am as human as everyone else.....fallible to all the outside energies that try to subvert my attention.  Lord, my job is to honor You.  To be as much like You as humanly possible.  Another responsibility I have, is to allow my self, ample room to move and breathe, think and speak.....but, cautious in my interaction with others.  To be responsible in my advice.  To live and think and act towards those I am to be an example to, thoughtful words and consideration of their own fallibility's.  Lord, it is not my job to fix the lives of those I come in contact with.  My job, I think, is to love as You would. To be empathetic and  open to Your words for us.  Oh, Lord?  Is is possible for us to love as You do?  That seems so far fetched for us to do.   

The small irritations that bug us as humans....the things that build up because we do nothing.....and then, we snap.  Perhaps we have been recipients of a deep held secret.....and one day, it slips out.  A lie......white or black.....they are all the same.  A snarky comment about another......a failure to hold our tongue when You nudge us......and yes, I believe, You have "nudged" me more than once, and I ignored it.  All of these things are not what, by themselves, would be considered huge sins.  But, then, Lord......what is sin?  In Your eyes......I would venture to say that any one thing that has the ability to come between You and me......is sin.

There is a tendency, I guess, to think, we (I), can handle the small stuff.  I will never believe that again, Lord.  You need to run the show, dear One.  I concede the reasoning that I can handle the stuff of life....to You.  I will not try to assess "how big" a sin is.

You, dear One.....are holy.  We have the ability to ask for Your forgiveness and have freedom in that power.  Sin has mired millions for years and years.  Little ones.  Big ones.  They're all the same.....because they do the same damage. To hold to the belief I can save you a little time......I will fail.  You, Lord, are the strength of my life.  My heart is full of love for You.  Give me Your strength.  All I ask.....and speak of to You......I ask in the name of Jesus.

Amen. 

I never will understand it Lord.  Trouble is everywhere.  The news.  The places we frequent.  The people we know.  Even the church.  Someone is always unhappy.  Someone is always ticked off about the behavior of someone else.  Someone is always something.  Very rarely do we find folks.....happy or joyful or pleased with their life.  And, when we do.....we're almost....trying to find something wrong.  Or.....is this just me and my dazzling personality again?  Lord....what is it?

I guess Lord, the problem I find irksome, is that the scriptures mean different things to different people.  I see, Lord, that so often You provide answers for us in ways we never even thought of.....and there are also times when You are so quiet in our quest to have an immediate solution, we tend to give up.  I get so annoyed when I think about the Israelite nation.....how needy and unfulfilled they were on a consistent basis.  You'd listen and reply to their cries and give them what they wanted and then, just a few days later, and they were complaining because they wanted something else or something more.  The reason I said...."I get so annoyed...." is because I concluded a few years ago, I may have been in that group of complainers....and it bothers me.  Lord, I know what happened to them.  Please, Lord.  Change my heart.  Especially when I find myself in that state.  I don't want to be like that.  Lord, I want each day to be a new surprise for me.  One where I wake up and see that I have been blessed to wake up and see another one.....and then, find a way to please You in going about my day.  This is where I have failed so often.  I hesitate stepping out of the box I am so comfortable in.  I am good at nesting.....and love to place all I am comfortable with....in that box.  When I feel threatened or afraid....I want to hole up.  Lord, help me to not be fearful to reach out....to love and express that to those who need me. The thoughts that plague me....the problems that everyone faces....tend to always land me in the throes of depression.  I  have to believe something, Lord.  That scripture that gave me light today was from Phillipians 4:8.  It tells me to "fix my thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable"......and to "think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise".  I guess, Lord, I have to stop concerning myself with what others feel "the truth" is.  I suppose I should realize that the enemy will use anything to confuse and decieve.  I believe it.

Father, all I write today...I speak in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

"Seems like all I could see was the struggle.....", the song starts.  Nearly three hours ago, Lord.....I opened my computer to write.  Games, Facebook, Advertisements, G-Mail.....all came up with no problem.  Until I clicked on the blogsite to "create new post"......and nothing would work.....I knew that again, I would have to struggle to write You a letter.......and post it.  Yes, that particular word , "post" or  "publish".  That seems to be the key word.  The enemy will not win.  I guarantee it.

Father, I do weary of the struggle.  Why, when I have told the enemy over and over, laid all of my burdens  at Your feet and feel a sense of real peace......WHY, does he still (the enemy) make my attempts to talk to You so difficult.  "My" prayer (?) causes him that much trouble?  I think he must be desperate.

Could You show me what is important to concentrate on today.  I want to be Your disciple today.....whether it is for my benefit.....or someone else's.  You know what I need to do....You know what I want to do......and You know the importance of both.  How it all gets done is up to You.  To be honest, Lord.....this couch feels pretty good right now.  I've been up awhile.....after I've finished my devotions and watched the morning news and the etcettera's that go with it......I usually  need a nap!  But, today seems a little different.  A little detached.  I've stopped to go get the phone.  I've stopped to make my husband a nice breakfast (which he usually never asks for...)  and then, another stop to get dressed in case someone knocks on the door.  "So.....here I am to worship.....here I am to bow down....here I am to say that You're my Lord.....You're altogether lovely ......altogether worthy......wonderful to me......".   "I love You, Lord......and I lift my voice.....to worship You.....Oh, my soul.....rejoice.....take joy, my King.....in what You hear.....may  it be a sweet, simple sound.....in Your ear." . Song after song, verse after verse, resonate with the sound of Your presence filling the air.  I love to hear it.  "There is a name I love to hear......I love to sing it's worth.....It sounds like music in my ear.....the sweetest name on earth."

I wanted to talk to You, Lord, about that devotional I read this week.  I read so many....about so many different areas of our lives.....I sometimes forget.  But, I wrote this down.  Joni's devotionals speak to me almost as much as me praying them.  Sometimes.  Sometimes, I click "delete" because  I just don't get it.  I used to get so upset about that.  And, now I think I understand.  When I am "older" and "wiser", You will give me stronger medicine.  I love that You understand me so well and give me what I can handle.  Anyway, Lord.....I saw the one about physical and emotional pain.  The differences and which one is the hardest to manage.  I realize, Lord, that the subject can't really be dealt with until you are in the thick of it.  And, then, afterwards to analyze your feelings. I realize too, Lord, that just because it is in black and white on a printed page, doesn't make it true for you.  I praise You for the battles that this woman has fought and won.  Because of them and her devotion to You, she is a light for many, many Christian's to follow.  Her battles to fight and win over her paralysis, and depression, and loneliness, and surgeries, illnesses and sores that plague her......well, Lord......it should encourage anyone who tastes just a little bit of the suffering she has gone through. In her plight to manage real pain, the gnashing of teeth kind......versus the emotional and mental anguish or heartache; she has compartmentalized them into two separate issues.  I understand....I think.  I've never encountered the long, drawn out and exhausting pain some suffer.  Only in childbirth.  To suffer long term, day after day, 24/7, is something I know nothing about.  But, Lord, the emotional anguish and heartbreak....I and many others, can empathize with.  I quote from her devotional....."but the suffering that takes place inside is another matter.  You can't put mental anguish or heartache behind you.  Those hurts create an energy of emptiness that refuses to pushed or crowded out of your thoughts.  It gnaws away at the inner core of your being.  It bites.  It grinds away at your sanity."

Lord.....I have felt this.  I understand this.  And, I think a good share of people have.  To have a place to put ourselves when we feel this kind of pain....I feel is a matter of life and death.  Lord, if it is only Your lap that I can crawl up onto; and hug Your neck;  or just wait for You to wrap Your arms around me.....then, that's where I want to be.  To disappear into You, until You feel I am strong enough to walk on my own.  That is the place where I have been.....and You have done that for me.  And, I praise You.  I thank You that I have never felt like You have pushed me away and scolded me because I'm too old for this kind of behavior now.  I thank You, Lord.  I thank You.

You are my God.  I worship and adore Your name.  I ask and speak of all that concerns me....in the name of Jesus Christ.....son of the living God.  Amen.