"What now?" "What's next?"

Scary thoughts!  And then, I wonder......why?  When You are running the show....I should be content to sit back.....worry free.....and just hang on tight.  Somehow, I don't think those two things connect......do they, Lord?    The "sit back, worry free....and just hang on tight" part?   No, you hang on tight because you don't know what's coming......'cause sometimes the ride is bumpy......closing your eyes against something you fear is heading your way.  I do not think this is what You intend.  I am so often filled with the sense that if I had prayed harder.....or longer.....or said just the right words.....things would have been  easier to deal with.  And, yet.....now I can see that You gave us the healing we yearned for......and the sense of peace we needed to see all of our "issues" come to fruition.  The joy we feel when You have given us the end result You believed necessary for our spiritual growth is beyond compare to anything else I have ever experienced.   I believe, Lord, when You supply that for me, I feel like I am doing what You called me to.  A step at a time,  A little here,  and a little there.  I remember when You brought me to the verse in Isaiah 28  that assures us You are not going to overload us.  Those precepts of the scriptures that  teach  us  the concerns we  need to address (and  I love that, Lord...most of the time, anyway!)  will be addressed!  You know what I need.....and You know when I need it.  My problem before I learned this truth was knowing that I needed to change many things;  and the difficulty in doing it all at once.....and becoming less than enthusiastic in knowing that is what you needed from me.....and me thinking.....and whining a little....."This is too hard, Lord"........."Am I the only one that needs to change my thinking?"......"Why is there so much?".   What a whimp I was.  A willing and anxious spirit to do all You expect of me.   That verse, the 10th one...... encouraged me.  I remember reading......"For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept, line upon line, line upon line;  Here a little, there a little."  I knew after that, You demand one thing.  A willing heart.  A willingness to learn all You want me to.  I think it took me a while to get to that place.  I have learned.  Slowly.  I know, there are times when You do have to draw me a picture.  But, You are gracious.  And, I am thankful You are.  It is a blessing to have a friend that compares to no other.
I ask Lord, for You to encourage me to encourage those close to me to not try to "do it all themselves".  That independent streak that runs in most human beings who "do not want to be told" and are "sure that they can figure out their own way" and want to " do it by themselves".  I know the world thinks we are weaklings.  Needy.  Dependent.  But,  to have God on our side enabling us to change our world is not weak.  You give us direction....and help us choose the right path......if we stay connected to You.  I remember saying  as a little girl that  "I know the alphabet!" .  Insisting I did, to my first teacher  and, to my class.  Standing aside my desk, and starting a,b,c,d,e,f,g quite loudly and then, blurring and mumbling the rest very fast.  I knew the first six.  The rest, not so much.  I hadn't learned them.  I did not know how to recall something I hadn't been taught.  Yet,  I still insisted I could say them by myself.  Stubborn and determined.  And, all wrong. 
Jesus, help me to continue to call on You for direction and guidance even as I travel throughout the senior years.  To continue to want to be led and taught by Your direction.  To live effectively, to be a light for You, to be content in the circumstances I find myself......I give to You......hoping and praying I will be faithful to all You call me to do.  Or say.  Or be.
In the name of Jesus, I pray and ask for Your favor and blessing in my life and in the lives of those I love. 
Amen.

"How Far Have I Come?"

Earlier in the week, Lord.....I was confronted by this question?  Actually.....a question of my own making.  I forced myself to go digging into the old prayer journals and find some answers.  Lord, I think, that first of all I was amazed at the nauseating and incessant prayers for help, strength, courage, and forebearance over and over and over again.  I confirm to You that if I had been in Your place....dealing with my prayers (often the same words, over and over)......I'd have left town!  Lord, thank You for abiding with me.....and upholding me in my times of need.  Having no other option, You were there for me to lean on, time after time.  I got so tired of reading the same thing over again.  I thought to myself, Lord....."Good grief.....why don't you get a grip!" But, dear One....You were so kind to me.   Lord, You have shown us in Your Word to us  that You are our hiding place.  That You are the "Strong tower" that we deperately need.  You give our faith a "resting place".  You speak to the Father on behalf of us.....in words we are incapable of speaking.  You allow us only what You are sure we can navigate through!
The actual inquiry to "How did you handle your feelings when this happened?" was so stunning to me that after giving a perfunctory answer, I was surprised by the feelings it brought to the surface.  Lord, You and I had this connection that I still marvel at and now, after researching my words to You, I see how gracious You were to me.
I remember feeling at the "end of myself".  I remember not being able to function in a manner that could ever make You proud of me.  Tears were about the only language I could manage.  (And, Lord....I know You are well acquainted with grief and understood me, but, fellow christians.....(?)....well, not so much! As I perused the journals, the devotionals and scriptures I leaned on.....I saw without fail how You comforted me over and over.  I also saw that many, many places.....in scripture and devotionals, that You urged, suggested, and commanded that "I wait."  How that wearied me.  I remember, even now, years later.....not wanting to.  Wait?  To wait means hold off making a decision.  To wait means staying still.  To wait means to think.  To wait means not asking everybody and his brother what they think.  I'm really not very good at it.  And...... I found out something quite interesting as I was on the precipice of walking into what I viewed finally as Your answer.  Your assurance of being content to wait while a storm was about to be unfurled.  Your assurance of being quiet and waiting for Your intervention while all around me was a furious gale.  Just waiting.  Just being quiet.  But, as I read my words......I wasn't quiet.  I was crying.  Moaning.  Groaning.  Trying not to blame.....but, it came through loud and clear anyway.  And, in all reality, being a pain in the neck for You to deal with.  Lord, You were gracious.  You listened to my pleas.  You saw my hurt and confusion.  You understood and came to my rescue and gave me the peace I needed even after I failed to just be quiet and wait.
 I want to tell You that reading these journals has helped me see that I have learned a couple of things.....and with You guiding me, I will be patient enough to see how I have grown over time.  It still amazes me , Lord.  If I could, Lord....let me refresh Your memory! (Actually, Lord....it's my memory that needs refreshing!)
Remember, June 13th in the "Streams in The Desert" devotional?  The verse was from John 14:27, "My own peace, I give to You."  The devotional was about 2 artists rendering paintings that emphasized their own conception of rest.  The first chose a scene of a serene lake nestled against the foothills of a far-off mountain.  The second chose to paint a thundering waterfall, with a fragile branch of a birch tree bending over the foam of the spray and at the fork of it sat a robin sitting restfully in it's nest.  As soon as I read that Lord, I knew You were in control of our situation.  What I didn''t know is that bird in the nest was me.....and the ride was about to be bumpy.....and I should not fear.....because You had it all under control.  Needless to say, Lord.....it takes me awhile to learn the lessons  You teach.  I never was very good at figuring out the parables that You taught.  You know I need a picture drawn for me....practically....okay, almost always.  Anyway, Lord.  Thank You.  Thank You for showing me how much You love me.....and how far I have come.  I love You, Lord....and I pray all of my prayers and ask all of my needs in the name and will of Jesus.  Amen.  It's been a blessed week for me.  I praise You.  And, bless Your name.

"I Don't Know About Tomorrow...."

I wish I did, Lord!  I wish I knew what was coming.  Okay....scratch that, Lord.  I really don't.  I am not able to see the end from the beginning as You do.....so, each day has all I can handle and I would like to perfect that part before I am allowed a little more leeway. I have no idea why I would ever think you would choose me to be Your right hand man....but  I often think You and I see things alike.  You are just a whole lot nicer than I would ever be.  This is such foolish talk.  There IS NO PERSON like You.  Not one.  You were created by Your Father.....to be the intermediary for us with Him.  Our access to Him is all through You, Lord.  And, I am grateful that You see the good in us.  Our worth is totally up to You.  So often I view myself as worthless and unfulfilled because of my own stubborn wishes and then hang on to the follies of the past.  Could You.....Would You give me the transplant I need?  I would like to see the generalities of life dissipate and the real depth of our existence....ie.....my existence......contingent on one thing.  Your ideal of what my life always was to be.  I pray and hope, Lord.....that I am "getting warmer" to what your plan is.  I have (so often) gotten off the track at times....wanting to pursue "another" plan.....but, I know my ultimate happiness is to live as close to your plan as is humanly possible.  I know You take into consideration all of my drawbacks, my imperfections, my hangups and my stubborn will......and I think You know  that above all of that stuff......Your plan for me is what I want more than anything else.  Therein, I will be fulfilled.  And, ultimately happy.  I remember hearing once that You never promised us happiness. I disagreed.  The dictionary describes it as "the state of enjoyment" among other terms of satisfaction.  To believe that You do not supply a heavy dose of contentment and joy for us as Your people is foolishness.  You supply us with wisdom, strength, and hope to live our lives according to your will and plan for us.  How often have I wondered if You had my "best interests" at heart?  Yes.....Lord, I am sorry......there have  been a few.  As I continued to walk with You, though stubbornly, at times, I saw that You had it right all along. I know Your plan is the best for me to follow even though there are days I don't understand.
I guess that is my conclusion.  All things, work together for my good and Your glory.  If You're happy, Lord.....then I am too.  Are You?  My life remains in the hollow of Your hand.  I don't know about tomorrow.....but, I know that You do.  Your presence is all I need.
All I ask......and pray for is in the name of Jesus.  I say amen.  And, amen again.

"My Favorite Things: Your Words!"

Running through my head a good part of yesterday, Lord, were the words to a song from "The Sound of Music".  And, that was in between the breathless prayers to You for the needs of our family.  Lord God.....?......Please help us.  Please heal our wounds.  Inside and outside.  Intercede for us to Your Father.  We feel so sorrowful......and sadness is so pervasive.  It colors everything around us so gray.  We long for bright and soothing shades that make us smile and reflect the goodness You provide all the time. 
I believe the name of the song is "My Favorite Things", Lord.  There is  a line that kept repeating itself to me.
"......When the dog bites......when the bee stings......when I'm feeling sad......I simply remember my favorite things.....and then I don't feel so bad."  It points to me one thing that just about always comforts this heart of mine......and that is the comfort of the words in the scripture.  So many are there to warn us and convict us.  Some make us miserable at times because we do not want to change our ways.  But, the ones that move me to fall at Your feet, are the words that lift a shattered  and distressed heart.  Those verses touch me as nothing else can and shows me how You are touched by our grief....and how you understand our sadness.  I am so thankful that You care about what concerns us.  When our loved ones are touched by the incidents of life that send us rushing to the Emergency Room, it always stops us in our tracks and immediately makes us do the "What it?" game.  It is exhausting.  It is self-defeating. And, as everyone knows....it is normal behavior  for those who are looking on, knowing that the control we desperately try to hold on to is not in our grasp at all. 
I leave it all to You, Lord.  My favorite thing that I love to do when I am in a sad place is to look at verse after verse that I have written down for such a time.  You always seem to cover the territory I need to have covered.....and it comforts me to read and re-read.....re-write and quote the inspired written words.....that were given to us for just such a time.  You have covered every aspect of our lives in the scriptures.  It truly is a " lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path".  My heart is filled with a sense of joy when I read from the Psalms that "Your heart is touched by my grief...."  and that "You are close to the brokenhearted and (You save) those who are crushed in spirit."  So often, Jesus, we are so very sad at what we consider the injustices of life.  The illnesses.  The split second decisions that cause regrettable accidents.  All of it affects us.  Sometimes directly....and then some just indirectly.  What we need, Father, is the insight to fall into prayer immediately.  Words actually are not necessary.  You decipher the groaning of our spirit.....You know how we ache......You know what to tell Him!  And, so, dear One......tell Him.  Tell Him what we need.  And, I won't worry so much anymore.  I will trust in You.  Sometimes I just don't have any answers.  I just have a precious connection to SOMEONE who does. I will depend on Your wisdom to help ease our worries.  I will depend on Your love to surround us. 
"No one understands like Jesus".  That's the friend we have that is beyond compare. "Meet Him at the throne of mercy......He is waiting for You there."  Lord, I thank You for the precious word.  Thank You for loving us enough to provide that message of hope while we wait for You to return for us.  I need Your peace to reign in my soul.  And, I ask for the healing touch of the "Great Physician" to minister to those in need.
For all I ask and beg Your favor for....I ask in the name of Jesus, my Savior.  Amen.