It’s February 28th, Lord …..the day John left us 4 years ago. I’m not sure I was even in my right mind.  I was somewhat unaware that You were requesting his presence.  See, Lord…..John had convinced me he was going to get through this Cancer battle that he was in…..and we would carry on our little ministry at Martin Grove. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.  I was just not reading the signs….and the roadblocks that were happening. 

As we stood around his bed, I was very aware that there was no movement.  There was nothing that would indicate he heard any of our stories or the songs we sung (rather badly).  At one point, we all looked at each other trying to discern if what we were seeing was really happening.  Now, we all agree that his body was being transformed into a translucent entity. We saw what was the most perfect face literally glowing with the light of Your own presence, I believe. It was a sight that took my breath away.  At one point, Marcy touched his lip to peek at his teeth.  They were a beautiful pearly white.  We just stared at what was a beautiful moment in time in all of our lives.  John mentioned one day how he thought the chemo and other meds had discolored his teeth and didn’t think he could ever get them white again.

I’m believe that God allowed us to see these happenings as gifts for us to remember and to cling to. At the time, I was unsure how to process all that happened.  I still couldn’t believe You were preparing him to stand in Your holy presence. After that day, about 1:30 in the afternoon…..I was surprised after I found myself breathing the next day.  Now, a few years later, and I  still can’t believe he’s not here with us anymore.

Lord, I miss his laughter. I miss how he could do some of his antics and have me laughing when only moments before I was moaning about something I could not do anything about.  I believe there will always be an empty place in my heart.  I’m not angry, Lord.  I just miss my best friend.  You fill the recesses…..the space where he always was. Keep on doing that for me, dear Jesus! I needn’t worry…..I know.  I try not to, but You know those doubts and lies that the enemy throws up in our face….just trying to block Your light from me…..well, with Your help in providing strength and power from the Holy Spirit, I will stay on the path to meet You one day. Thank You dear One.  I am so thankful to have You to lean on and I might as well say it!  To complain to. 

I say these words, to form the sentences that make my prayers mean how I feel. I do this in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

Lord, here I am…..I’ve come to find You!  Not because you’re hiding…..it’s just that even though I know where You are…..I’m too tired, too sad, too depleted physically, (the list can get pretty long) I know that ultimately, it’s pure laziness.  Many times when I write, I have a plan in mind.  Sometimes it works and often it doesn’t.  One thing I don’t like to do is start over. Sooo……with nothing in particular in mind, I start.  I don’t like rambling either….sort of waiting to see where it leads me. 

My main purpose, I think, is to thank You.  Often, when I sit down to reread some of my letters to You,( I mean the scribble ones in my composition book),  I wonder if you get tired of my whining…..asking for the same thing over and over…..it seems so redundant.  Like….I’m thinking You might just want to take a snooze in the middle of it.  Lord, I know You are so gracious and merciful and would not want to suggest in any way I’m right….but, if You were honest……would You? (Take a snooze, that is?) As much as I have ever taught others how important it is to tell You how we really feel….I don’t. Mostly because I know what You expect but don’t want to be that honest. And maybe, mostly because it’s lame.  Things like”asking for healing, money to pay a bill, forgiving someone who has been unkind and/or disrespectful, trying and failing at something we want to do…..I don’t know…..it’s all that and more.  

You know what I struggle with.  I wouldn’t even have to say a word, but, You require very little from me/us!  It seems like I would be grateful that You even want to know the little stuff. I think sometimes that is what the enemy gets a kick out of….my negligence in telling You all….out loud.  I have tried to be true and honest for the most part, I guess….but, even though I know You know, I prefer not to bring everything out in the open. Sometimes I feel my family or folks that love me, wonder.  

When I began studying and searching for answers about forgiveness…..I thought….”Wow! This is fantastic.  Everyone will love this.”  For a while I’d preach my new “strategy” in my classes and some would be nodding their heads in agreement or some would just give me “the look”.  The one that says , I have no idea what you’re talking about!  I realize now, dear One, that You let me in on a formula to help ME get over the words that hurt, the actions that hurt, the incidents that break a heart….it was for me.  I remember how You brought me to decipher what could work for me.  I still have no concept of the amount of garbage that comes out of someone’s mouth to hurt another and they have no remorse or feel the need to say “I’m sorry!” …..or, even feel they had a right to tell you what they think you need to know….”because somebody has to.”Over and over I have listened to this kind of thing and I’m just baffled by the unkindness that creeps into the whole scenario, making it even more egregious.  

I remember listening to a “reason why I don’t feel I don’t have to ask forgiveness”……and finally realized it wasn’t my problem. I started to get upset.  I wanted to argue my point. And, then I realized in the life of a dedicated Christian, that is all Your job!  Not mine. 

You have a way with words, dear One!  I love what You’ve brought to my life.  I will forever be a servant of “Quick to forgive”!  Okay, okay! I’m not perfect…..sometimes I struggle awhile…..but for the most part, You have given me an out.  

Thank You forYour quick forgiveness to me.  I know You don’t struggle with it….it’s pretty much as easy as breathing.  And….yes…..there have been times when I know I’ve failed to recognize that I NEED to.  You’ve always been gracious in pointing out my need to stay on the right path. 

Thank You dear One, for the prayers answered that were recently prayed for my eldest daughter.  One early morning when we were called to the hospital…..I cried out to You (quietly) “Jesus, please don’t take my girl!”  I couldn’t think of another thing to say right then.  I knew others were praying…..so, I just kept repeating myself.  Lord, I know it’s not always that easy….I know that well-prayed prayers don’t always get answered the way we hope……but for this time, I praiseYou from all that is within me.

All I pray and ask for….in the name of Jesus. Amen.