You know, dear One.....I am at a loss for words.  I seem to use them, quite often, but rarely do I feel understood.  I think I must be speaking a language no one can really hear.  Somehow, I forgot.  No one needs my advice.  Not really.  I really do forget that.  People just really want to be heard......and, it seems to me, really don't care if they are understood or not.  They just want to be heard.  I think I need to go back to my "before I reached forty years old" epiphany!  Maybe it was fifty....was it?  I realized that a good bit of my life had gone by....and I really hadn't expressed an opinion on much of anything.  I'd just sort of nodded when people were talking, and in doing that, I'd give them the freedom to speak their thoughts.  I rarely, if ever, expressed my displeasure or disagreed with their thoughts....thoughts that I encouraged by continuing to listen.  I thought it was the way to be appreciated....or liked....or trusted.
After that birthday, whichever one it was, I decided I would enter my opinion into the mix of conversation.  I mostly did it at home.  I remember thinking..."This is not really going well."  But, I stayed the course....and continued interacting.  You know, Lord....I have complained to You more than once that...."I have a right to my opinion!" and, You'd calm me down with a verse of scripture that would confirm my belief that I was okay speaking my truth, as long as You gave me no reason to think I was really off base.  In some ways, Lord....I sort of wish I'd just been quiet.  I think I'm closing the shop of my opinion.  Especially at 75 years old, the "filter"
 is disintegrating.  I can't seem to depend on it anymore.
To be Your servant, is what I'm supposed to be.  In thought.  In word.   And, in deed.  To run my mouth about anything.....besides recipes and child care....well, (I would say, that would be my wheelhouse) , but to interject on anything else, I should be mute. Unless and of course I am literally begged!!  (I'm grinning here, Lord....).
You know my heart.....and how I want to be pleasing in Your sight....well, I just  ask that I would not disappoint you.

Being with our family for the first time since John passed away was so hard for me.  Our summer vacation with the family, that is.  The trip was tenuous as far as every ones feelings being exposed.  "Dad" was remembered at suppertimes for his constant comments on "how good everything was".  It was literally a counting game when it came to him saying, "Isn't this good?", or "This is so good!" or "Don't you think this is good?".  It was sort of funny to everyone.  Of course the golf outing without him, was not quite the same.  Death affects you.  If you're human.  For me, nothing was the same.  All I could think was...."Lord, tell him how I miss him."  "And Lord, go find him and tell him I wish I had told him more how I loved him."  The list was long.  I thought of so much more I wish I'd said to him. 

Right now, I'm thankful I had him at all.  I'm so grateful for the marriage we had and the love we shared.  I know he has peace now.  I thank you, that I do too.

All I have spoken of and thank you for....I speak in the name and will of Jesus Christ of Nazareth.  Amen.  

PS.....Lord, I remember listening to what I would think was sage advice, when my Mother always said....."It's always better to have people think you're a fool.....than to open your mouth and remove all doubt!"  I found out later that it is a proverb.  Found in Proverbs 29:20 it says, "Do you see a man who speaks too soon?  There is more hope for a fool than for him."  Okay.....sort of!