Lord, I don’t even how to start. I’ve needed to write for so long…..sooo long. To tell You how I feel is almost impossible. Maybe as I write ….the words will come and the feelings will too.
“How can I say thanks for the things You have done”……are the first lines of a well known song written quite a few years ago. I believe Andre’ Crouch wrote it. At the time it was written, I, along with the millions of other listeners felt it was the truth in their lives. It is truth. It has touched the hearts and lives of many…..and yet, here I am …..sitting in my living room, on my couch, writing You this letter to find out…..just how I am supposed to say “thank you” to You for what You’ve allowed to happen in my life.
I believed John would get well, Lord. I believed him when he told me he planned to live until You came back ….or until he got to be 100 years old like his Grannie Bell. I thought I’d be safe either way. You know that we always sort of just laughed it off and went our way. It’s soon going to be two years that You came to get him. I know he was already at the gate waiting ……as we stood around his bed. We watched every flicker on his face….his shallow breathing……the pulse beating on the side of his throat. We talked softly. We whispered at times. We sang …..rather badly…..we held his hands….patted him….willing him to not leave us. We also saw his countenance change. We saw his face become almost luminescent….no lines …..his teeth looked like the color of white pearls. The only thing that didn’t change was the lack of his beautiful white hair. As I think back at the day, it was like I was standing in a very sad place….watching the man who had begged me to be his wife……and the love of my life…..leave us all. I think, that each of us, as we look back at the scene, knew he wasn’t there. He may have very well been watching us from above. It truly was such an empty feeling. An emptiness that You Lord, and the Holy Spirit can ultimately fill.
I’m not sure how I am still breathing after all of it. I’m not quite sure how I continue to do this without him. I know, Lord…..it’s all You…..but……somehow….You’ve got to show me how to be……what? I do not even know how to say it. I have people say “So, how are you doing? Or feeling?” I live as happily as I can! Without him! Isn’t that what the people want to hear? I guess it is. I am thankful, Lord, that I am safe. I live in a wonderful place. I live in beautiful section of daughter, Christy and her husband and family’s home. I have a little bit of a job at their store. A special couple gifted me with a beautiful car to drive. I’m able to get around and see folks…..go out to eat…..play the piano at church……what more?
Lord, I do feel that my inability….or stubbornness to be thankful in all things is preventing me from a greater blessing. Relief. Is that it?
Haven’t I been accepting of what You’ve allowed in my life? Or have I been considering this “acceptance” as a “reasonable sacrifice” on my part?
I truly think I need Your peace to fulfill my hearts cry. My willingness to say those words (that heretofore I have not been able to say)…..even though I don’t really want too, I believe is vital for me. (Lord, You and You alone, know how I think…..I know, it’s scary…..but, You understand my thought process). So….what I will do is compose my very own private message to You….telling You what I need to…..and, with You knowing I don’t really want to…….but need to…..because it is a command that we be thankful in all things.
Lord…..I know that preachers and teachers all try to decipher what the word of God tells us. That words like “for”….”in”….”all”……serve the very different ways we interpret scripture.
You also know my anxious heart and know that my love and devotion to You depends on my honesty with You.
I pray and believe that I will remain Your child and stay in Your “Good Graces” (for lack of a better term)…..and serve You to the end of my days, faithfully.
In all of these words written, I pray in the name of Jesus.
Amen amen.
