I can only tell You how I feel, Lord.  I am anxious, insecure, unable to state my case because I have no words to do so.  I found it so unnerving to realize …..just a short time ago.....that the issue I've been dealing with for ages....could be taken care of. 
 For years.....actually a few decades.....I've lived by the "Lord, Change Me!" technique.  I found that the author of this small pocketbook, had written her experiences trying to deal with people or circumstances.  I loved the premise of saying....."Lord, Change Me!" Not my spouse, not my neighbor, not my parent, not my sibling.  Just change me.  I've lived by it so long, I almost felt like I wrote it.
It's funny, Lord....and not funny (haha)…..it's odd to me that for all the days, weeks, and/or months I have struggled with my issues, honestly not even thinking about the spiritual help you provided me with so long ago.  I get so disgusted that the enemy of our souls will do anything to knock us off our pedestals.....especially when a body feels the Lord is our strength and shield and all we have to do is go to Him...…"I need You more.....than ever before."  This is truth.  I will always need You more.
I have often wondered how Your special servant, David, who was a man after your own heart, could fail You so completely with Bathsheba.  It is uncanny how the evil one can blind a person, so they are not even aware they have failed.  It was as if David was totally clueless until Nathan pointed to him and said, "THOU  ART  THE  MAN".  
 A piece …a very huge piece of the 'Lord, Change Me' study is the portion on forgiveness. I've needed it over the years we've pastored.  No one means to....most of the time....but, some do....so You will understand that they are spiritually superior to you. I found comfort (oddly), in doing the work that the book suggested.  It has worked wondrously well for me over the years. In II Corinthians, chapter 2, 5 through 11.   
                          5.  If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me....as he has
                               grieved all of you.....6.  The punishment inflicted on him by the majority
                               is sufficient.....7.  Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him so
                               he won't be overcome by excessive sorrow.....8.  I urge you, therefore, to
                               reaffirm your love for him.....(I had a great deal of trouble with this one.)
                               9. Another reason I wrote you was to see if you would stand the test and be
                               obedient in everything....10. Anyone you forgive, I also forgive.  And what
                               I have forgiven....if there was anything to forgive- I have forgiven in the
                               sight of Christ for your sake-  11.....in order that Satan might not outwit us.
                               for we are not unaware of his schemes.

Actually, Father.....I also think that he talks about the fact that if our nemesis does not receive our
forgiveness.....he,  or she will perhaps become so discouraged they would miss the glory of 
heaven.  

Father, I remember how stubborn I was....I remember how patient you were with my dogged 
reasoning.  Forgive me again.

Thank you, dear One....I love YOU at this beautiful season.  In Jesus name I pray.....Amen.
                               

Oh Lord,  My God!  When I in awesome wonder....consider all the works Thy hand hath made.  I see the stars.....I hear the rolling thunder....Thy power throughout the universe displayed.  Then sings my soul, My Savior God to Thee.  How great Thou Art!  How great Thou Art!  
Lord.....I am amazed at how You love me.  You are constantly by my side.....even though I wish You'd leave me alone.  What ….How could I say that?  Sometimes, even though I am silenced by my own stupidity.....sometimes, I look back at how You wait for me to understand.  I wonder, Lord...….I wonder if I will ever understand.  I do not think I am that wise. So, then....My only recourse is to ACCEPT that I will not ever rise to that level.  It's okay Lord......I give You my heart.  Handle it however You need to.  I  really haven't done such a great job on my own.....I keep thinking that I will do alright because I have been Yours for so long.  I think the longer I live.....I hate to say it.....the worse I get.  Honestly, Lord.....Why do I think I have all the right answers....not only for myself.....but, for everyone else.  Score 1 point for just maybe, "getting it"!  For once.

  

All week I have thought about a song I heard one Sunday Morning.  It was at our church, I believe, in Muncy PA.  Beth Steele sang it.  I only remembered these words...until I looked it up.....but it cut through the nonsense of some and went right to the crux of the matter.  "You're the Only Jesus Some Will Ever See".  You're the only WORD of life, some will ever READ.   I remember thinking that day....I wonder if I have made a difference for anyone....that perhaps has watched me from afar and have made anyone thirst for  the Jesus in me.   

Lord.....it as been years and years ago that I heard this song and thought those thoughts.  If I am "the only Jesus some will ever see"..... how many have been disappointed in my responses,  in my demeanor, in the fact that I am human and forget people are watching. AND THAT....Oh, Lord....is my only excuse.  Help me. Help us all, that claim to love You, to remember You are counting on us to be Your instrument.  I fear dear One.....my instrument has been terribly out of tune.  

I am open to being Your child forever.  Please, forgive my failures....Give me just what I need.

DID I JUST SAY THAT?  

I did.  Make it so, Lord.  Amen.

Every time I need You, I only have to think....Lord, I need to talk.  I don't even think about You not being there for me.  What ever the need is......the time of day.....the worry that perhaps You aren't listening because I failed You 5 minutes ago.....it all disappears, when I think about telling You my heart thoughts.  There is such sadness all around.  I have more than I could ever ask or think.....and yet, I feel such sadness at times.  It's embarrassing.  I know You are forever my king.....and most amazing, in spite of all my  failings, You love me.  The fact that You accept me is what I thank You for right now.  I hate to say it.....but for now, I feel like a pretty raggedy Christian.  So full of doubts.  So tired of just being  a regular child.  I'd like to be a little above average.  I'd like to prove to You I can be trusted.  I'd like to know that You can always depend on me.  I'm pretty good at acting the part.  I always loved playing a part.  I could pretend I was someone else.  For me, right now though, there are no parts to play.  I have to .....at some point......let my relationship to You, stand on it's own merit.  For real.  If I was playing the part of any Christian woman in the Bible.....who would I be?  Would I find it easier to play the part of a Delilah, a likeness of Lot's wife or a Mary, the mother that raised You and watched as You died such a painful death.  Even if she were ever aware that You would be raised to life in a few days.....the pain and horror of that day would be erased.  The  plan that You created for us.....Your children.....is different for us all.  No one just gets by.  We are appointed to live.....and to die.  I guess, Lord, that I would like to do the best job I can at both.

I am so grateful now that You are the eternal father of us all.  When I ask for Your help, You know I expect You will come up with a plan.   It usually ends up being one  that works wonders I never imagined.  Now.....considering what I have sent to You lately, I am wondering what You will come up with.  I , and not just me, Lord......I want what I want when I want it.  Nothing much has changed since I was born.  I have learned though that You have an answer.  Please Jesus, make it so.  The peace that passes all understanding is so impossible to take in......but, I accept it with all my heart.  I believe that I finally understand that You do all things well.  I write these words.....believing and knowing I'm doing it in the same of Jesus.  Amen and amen.  ("......and the Emmy goes to....)