How Can I Be Holy? (I'm not sure!)

Okay, Lord.....once again I come to You. Five times I've started to write and five times it has
disappeared. I have wondered today what it means to have "Refiner's Fire" going through my
head. That song is so.....hard. It is my desire to be like You....to be holy....but Lord, I fall short
in so many ways. "Set apart for You Lord.....I choose to be holy.....but, to say it.....well, it does
seem impossible.....for us, as humans. We're so fallible. We're so imperfect. We fall. We get up.
We ask forgiveness. It is our job to maintain our relationship with You. I say "we". Lord, You
know I mean "I"...."me". Purifying my heart as You would purify gold or silver is easy to say
and sing. It's the purifying part that puts us to the floor. Of course, since I have been thinking
about those words today....I sort of wonder if something is coming. I am sorry to say that. But, You made me and I am thinking You understand me. That's why I write to You.

I felt depleted this week and out of gas sort of. I've felt like I've been shuffling through the days. Thank You that You let me rest a bit once in a while! I always feel guilty if I am not "in the game" ready at a moments notice to help someone in need. I'm glad though that I can
turn to You for the needs I have to take care of. The knowledge that if I commit my ways unto You.....knowing that tomorrow will take care of itself....You are the One in Control... I am grateful, Lord.

The bounty of blessings I have are so many. My Godly heritage is at the top of the list. My
loving parents. Siblings that love me. A husband that is following the call of God on his life.
My children. Their relationships with You. Their families and loved ones.....Lord, we are so
blessed by You.

Everytime I see a man or a woman .....especially a child....with sad eyes....(and Lord, I need to ask You to make sure this never changes).....I want to always carry a burden. Sometimes I can feel that spirit of apathy approaching me. I want it chased out as soon as possible. Too many need something. I have to admit, Lord....there's times I have no desire to stop what I am doing or smile or give a touch to someone that might need it. Help me to carefully discern what it is You need me to do.......and then, give me a shove......and strength.

I ask for Your divine blessings this week on my family as we gather in OBX for the annual vacay.
Only You can provide what we need. Discernment. Safety. Blessings. Favor. I ask dear One,
for those who are at home and could not join us......the very same . We need You, Lord to over-
whelm us with Your wisdom and abiding love.

Thank You for the blessing of the day. "Refiner's Fire. My heart's one desire....is to be holy....
set apart for You Lord....I choose to be holy.....in Your way .....for Your plan for me.

In the name of Jesus I pray. Amen.

"I Must Tell Jesus....Jesus Alone!"

I remember thinking a couple days ago, Lord, that it has been years since I wrote anything to You about my dad. You allowed me the privilege to have such a wonderful man as my father.
Carl Ray Candel. (Actually,I found out years later the actual pronunciation shouldn't have been as "candle" but "can-dell". Why did I always feel "less-than", just because my name spoken aloud, sounded like "candle"?) Lord, my emotions are flipping all over the place. I am reading
"Oswald" this morning.....and , I am thinking, "Are You trying to tell me something.....AGAIN,
LORD?" Anyway, I understood very little. And so.....I go back to my dad and wonder what makes me the way I am. (Yeah, it's his fault I'm like I am! Uh, Lord....I'm only kidding. )He was a gentle soul. So very kind and compassionate.....and forgiving.
He was responsible. He was able to listen and discern what was good and right. For many years,
I really thought that He was "hen-pecked". And, then after he passed away , I saw that he really was the directional signal for our home. I liked the fact that he consistently tried to make us smile when things were not so smile-worthy! What he had to deal with as a young man
shows me that You knew, Lord....that You could trust him to be faithful....just as You knew that Job could be trusted. I thank You, Lord, for the fact that he wasn't afraid to express his love for us. It wasn't always the "outloud I-Love-You"....it was the silent smile....his gentle squeeze on my shoulder....and his bowed head. I remember, Lord, when I questioned his thoughts on forgiveness after a particularly degrading and devastating time in his later ministry. (I have to tell You Lord.....I wish You had cut out my tongue instead of letting me speak). He was so gentle and easy in his response to me and showed me how when we are WEAK, God......You, Lord.... are strong. You give us direction. You show us how to deal in Your power. Even when, we have no recourse. No answer. No inspiration from anyone. Probably Lord, (most likely) then is when
You can do the most for us.....when no one else is speaking up.....no one seems to have an idea of how to handle the situation.....THAT.......is when You do Your best work. Usually I am so busy telling You how I think something should be done....or said....or thought.....that You have to
practically put a muzzle on me. My mouth is still moving....a sound is coming out.....but no one can understand me. I honestly love when You do that, Lord. It shows me, consistently, that I
expect You to run the show in my life.....that I trust You.....ultimately. I know daddy did. And,
Lord....I always thought of him to be as much like You as I thought anyone could be. I believe
You gave me what I needed. The answers. The heritage. The hope. I am blessed and I know
it.

I can't quit yet....anyone peeking in on my prayer is thinking...."Sheesh.....this woman goes on
forever!" can quit reading now. But, I am not done. Not today. Not by a long shot. You are the only One that can listen to my leaping heart thoughts and give me peace. You know
my heart. You know my quivering emotions. You know I wish You would FIX all my anxious
requests. I can't. I get tired of trying to make everything...."all better". I get tired of trying to
act like You all the time. Yikes! I can't believe I just said that. Let me think about that. Let me
repeat it and see if it holds the same punch. "I-get-tired-of-trying-to-act-like-You-all-the-time". Yeah....it does. And, all I can say is.....yes, I do get tired and I feel like it is "acting" and
I'm not sure if it should be that way. For now, I will let it go and just tell You that when I woke
up this morning....I decided that I would be...."leavin' it all up to You!" I think that used to be a
popular song....I remember those particular lines fit this scenario in my mind. Albeit just those
words though! Another song comes to mind....a safer one. "I must tell Jesus all of my trials; I
cannot bear these burdens alone. In my distress He kindly will help me; He ever loves and
cares for His own." This is a better one....because I know it to be true. Just because I have
given my life to You does not mean I don't have to live my life.....and make decisions....and pray
for people....and do things that require my time and effort....and go through heartaches. Life is life and can be harder than hard. Pressing a button to lift me out of it doesn't work. But, calling
on You to take my distress and bringing me peace instead, is my call.
And, to make a long story short, Lord.....that's what I am doing today. For all.....I ask your will and blessing. And for Your glory to shine on me . And, for any favor that is due to come my way....well, need I say more, Lord? Bring it on. I pray in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Hey,listen! I said..."TRUST and OBEY" !

First thought, Lord......"When we walk with the Lord....in the light of His Word. What a glory He
shed's on our way. While we do His good will....He abides with us still.....and with all who will
trust and obey. Trust and obey. For there's no other way.....to be happy in Jesus....but to trust
and obey." That's what I thought about this morning as I looked over all the devotional's I've
read this week. From Oswald (a hundred years ago!) Chambers to "Proverbs 31 Ministries" ladies to "Our Daily Bread".....it all has amounted to the same thing. Trusting and obeying You. And, when I feel like....."What's gonna' happen next?".....that is what I have to do. Lord, if You were accessible to us anytime we wanted to walk in and have
a cup of coffee with You.....You would be throwing the covers over Your head. I would be bugging You almost non-stop. Of course, I do anyway. I just wonder if You have earplugs in on
occasion when you see me coming.....or stick the ear buds in while I am talking. Do You always
see my mouth moving. It's funny how I can be so mute when I am observing and listening....I do
that so much when my family is around. I wonder if it is because I know when they see my mouth open they know a sermon is coming. (from past experience). Now, no one takes a breath
long enough to let me speak! All of my "words of wisdom" and no one wants to hear them.
Boo-hoo! I really am kidding, Lord....sort of. I truly realize that no one EVER "get's it!" until
YOU do the talking. And, I know that from experience. I can talk. I can cajole. I can manipulate. I can demonstrate. I can stomp. I can show anger. And, there's nothing. When,
You finally speak up.....someone listens. Someone stops in their tracks. Someone finally hears
the truth. It is then, Lord that the case has really been made. All then that is needed is the
conscious effort to change. You have allowed us that power. (The power basically to do what we ultimately want to.) You could have easily made that
a different scenario. There are pro's and con's I guess. Lord, wouldn't it have been easier to
deal with us? You, ultimately know what You are doing and why You created us
as You did.....I am what You made me to be, I hope. Is there something I should do differently?
Am I being the instrument for You I should be? I talk about this so often with You. I do not want
to fail. I am not quite yet to the last quarter of my life span.....I am willing, Father, to listen. I am saying this actually sort of scared You might hold me to this! I like things the way they are. I love
and enjoy my life. I have love. I have some possessions. I have food in the fridg for supper
tonight. I have You, Lord. What else do I need?
To continue to trust You in all my ways.....to lean on You whether or not I understand what
You are allowing.....to believe that IF I acknowlege You as my Lord, You will sustain me in all
that concerns me. To trust You. To obey You....even when I feel I am doing it (dragging my
feet alittle) reluctantly. I know that You are the ONLY hope we have. And, once again.....I
bring You my heart thoughts....the inner ones that I don't want to write "outloud"....and I beg
for You to answer them in Your way, in Your time. If You want to answer them in my lifetime,
then that would be nice.....but, Lord.....it is all up to You. I trust You.

I ask all I do....and think I want, in Your name and will. Amen, Lord. For now.

RE-THINK:"The Joy of the Lord is MY STRENGTH"

I have found myself struggling this week, Lord. I wish I could talk to You face to face. Sometimes, I feel that I am. Other times I am reaching out and never quite touching Your face. I do that more than I even realized. I found myself doing that the other day to a complete stranger. One of those kiosks in the middle of the mall where they watch you coming and try to stop you to buy their products.....you try to keep walking and continue with a smile and a "No,
thank you!" and their next words are... " Could I ask you a question?" to which I touched her face and said "No! No! Thank you!" all the while I was moving.....I thought I was being kind, Lord. They annoy me so but I don't want to appear unkind.....Lord, sometimes I really wonder,
what do you expect of me? Are You wanting more of me than I feel I have to give? The truth is,
I want to please You. I think You know that. But, I wonder if pressed.....as I stated in the previous scenario....is it just the areas I can control? The issues we are
confronted with day after day....often are mind and heart stealers. They take me away from what You would like me to concentrate on. More of Your Word. More one on one time with You. More "Go ye into all of the world..." and seeing who needs my help. Most of the time I have my head down on purpose. I don't want to see who needs me. I don't want to try to
understand why You have allowed me to "walk this way"! Telling You what I don't want to do
only tells You and anyone peeking in on this conversation that I truly am a loser....bound for
the Outer Banks....and I am not talking North Carolina. Of course, I don't want to mean what
I am saying. It has to be the depression talking. Did I take my pill last night? Oh, Lord....You surely have Your hands full with me. I am sorry for being such a pain. I'd like to turn over a
new leaf.....if I had the strength. I'd like to show You how I can be an obedient instrument for
You....if I had the strength. Hmmm.....the scripture says, " The joy of the Lord is my strength".
I have tried that before. Just singing those words over and over while I was washing the dishes
was exciting. I remember it well. I was looking out of the kitchen window....I could see the side of the church from that window.....and probably the kids behind me somewhere playing....my
head, hands and feet just aching from the days chores....and there it was. The strength. Just
as You had promised. I wonder why I remember that. It has been like 35 years ago.....and I
just thought of it. It has to be because IT IS SIGNIFIGANT! It has to be because You mean
what You say. You don't have any reason to lie to us. You give us power in our weaknesses.
Over and over I have counted on that. And so.....I will again. I've talked myself right into it
again. I will look for the moments You need me to speak for You. And, of course, that means
keeping my head up and looking at people in the eyes. (Why? Why is that so hard for me?)
Hmmm.....we'll discuss that another time, Lord. But, I thank You today for showing me that I
often try (too often) to make something work or happen. And, if You are not advocating it....
I wonder why I even bother. I know when You're running the show. Things come out of my
mouth that I didn't even know that I knew. And, when that happens....I KNOW that You are
leading the orchestra. I will Lord....I promise. I will prepare my heart and try to ready my
spirit for the next time You decide You need me. I'd like to NOT fail. I'd like to atleast try.
Thank You for allowing me to reach out and touch Your face today.....I need for You to know
that my days are not right when I don't take the time to do that. Nudge me. Make me
uncomfortable in my spirit. When You do that.....I always know it's You.
I ask all of this in the name of Jesus.....amen.

TO GOD: All Glory, Honor and Power

Here I am again. I have this need to talk, Lord. Silently, yet loudly. On my knees, yet sitting on the couch. Prostrate, yet standing tall and arms and head raised. NO ONE in this arena of life I am in....can hear me like You can. I can talk about my angst.....my failures.....my worries; and I do. But, Lord....there is none like You. No one can touch my heart like You do. No one can do anything for me....like You can. No one in this world can love me as unconditionally as You can. And, how I need that! Not that I overtly sin and do and say things that disturb You. It's a human thing. And, Lord.....I know You understand that. For a good part of Your life.....You lived as we do. And, then of course, because I am who I am....wonder if You worried at all , how people looked at You.....did You? Did it concern You that people laughed at some of the miracles You claimed You would perform....? Especially after they watched as You did as You said You would. Lord, You know there are so many people that laugh at the thought that You could raise people to life....and not necessarily people that would have ever believed You could....You just did. I am more than likely not able to understand the magnaminous power that Your Father bestowed on You. And, so....I will not even expect an answer to my queries.....please, understand me, Lord. I just need to say what is in my heart. So often, I cannot even place words into a sentence to express the heart thoughts I have, to You. Out loud anyway. Somehow though, it comes out in my prayer thoughts to You. And, I bless You, Oh Lord.....for listening to me. My heart is so overwhelmed with the events of life You allow to come our way. Some so overpowering that it is impossible to understand how I lived through it. And, then there are other moments when I am so awestruck by Your power, I cannot speak. Intelligently, anyway! You are all You are "cracked up" to be. Inappropriate words to describe Your Majesty, Lord.....but so amazingly true. I am unable to understand how You love as You do. How You care for us so unconditionally, with our inability to do in kind....is a lesson I will forever be learning......forever striving for.....forever. But, I will Lord. I will be what You want me to be even if it kills me......because, that is my vow to You. I know I sound like a
child. You wouldn't know I've been a follower since I was a girl. Forever is as a day to You, Lord and I want to make sure I have done all I can....when I can.....as long as I can. To be used as Your servant is the only claim to fame I care to have. I can remember not too long ago, I was moaning to You about "being tired of being used and abused" for You. I regret being so mouthy and even saying it out-loud to You. Forgive my anxious heart. Allow, once again, Your spirit to so overwhelm me with Your power and glory so much that I am just silenced to the wonder of Your presence.
Thank You Father. Thank You for all You have done. Thank You for the power of Your Word. Thank You for the blessings. Thank You for the Breath of life. Thank You for my life.....my
hope.
All that I ask and praise You for....I ask all in the name and will of Jesus. Amen. And, amen again."

"NOW WHAT DO I DO?" (Congratulations, Dylan!)

Lord.....I don't even know where to start. I kept thinking yesterday...." If I could just access my blog post site.....I could just write this all down....." but I couldn't get to it. All of these emotions need a place to rest. Placing them at Your feet, all neatly tied up, just makes me feel better.

I remember when the time came for our eldest daughter to have her child. I remember the call pretty vividly. And, no matter how you have planned for the scenario to go....it's never quite all that cut and dried. Anyway, we had an eleven or more hours trip ahead of us when we finally got on the road. "Why didn 't we plan this differently?", we thought. We'll never get there on time....and when I found myself talking to my girl through some of her labor, I still found myself anxious and frustrated that I hadn't made another plan. Needless to say, Lord.....You and she did very well and my first grandson was born, safely and healthy. I don't even remember if we knew we were going to have a grandson or granddaughter. The only thing that really matters is if this child is going to be well and healthy......and we were blessed by that very thing. I remember jumping right in after he was allowed to leave the hospital and doing all the things grandmas do when they are there to "do the work"! It was exciting and wearisome at the same time. Newborns always change a family dynamic. They are the ones that count, after all. Thats what you have waited for and prayed for. It's all about them. And, so it was for our grandson, Dylan. What a wonderful name. We loved looking at him. We loved feeding him. We loved
thinking about what we had to do next. Mostly, his other grandma and me. Mom did a lot of sleeping and healing. Dad was doing what dads do. I was worried I would forget how to care for this little one....I was afraid I would not do the bottles right or hold him right or put him to sleep right. But....he sure cooperated with me. And, we did just fine. I think by the time it was time for me to leave....he was close to sleeping through the night. And, that made me feel like I had done my job.
As the years went by, and the distance kept us from seeing all the changes that children have as they grow up....we saw the time speeding by....and our influences in bits and pieces. Children have to be taught. They have to have boundaries. They have to have discipline. They probably could do just fine if they didn't have to TALK all the time.....BUT, that is life. "Because I said so" is not a good enough answer anymore for the most part. I remember different times when I would be able to take Dylan somewhere to buy him something.....and, a simple matchbox car or tractor would be just fine. Somewhere in that mix, he grew up and a game for his "system" was the thing he wanted most. Well, that didn't happen and I regret not being able to fork that over but a $10.00 pair of jeans at Walmart did fulfil a need.....just not his! Lord, I think we prayed as much over that grandson of ours as much as we each of our children.
Nothing in this world can prepare our children for the world like prayer can. We can buy the best. We can plan to the hilt for their future. We can cajole....micro-manage....and double-speak until the cows come home....but, when we place our precious possessions into Your hands....and put our worries and cares about their future at Your feet.....there and then is when we can rely on the peace You allow us to enjoy. No one gets that. I don't think anyone (including myself) really realizes that when we place everything we want to control into Your care.....that is when peace reigns.
Lord, today I ask that this precious child of Yours.....this grandson of mine.....would entertain the thought of placing this blank slate (called: His Life) into Your hands. Show him the gifts you have provided him....again. You already know what he loves to do the most in this world. He's maybe not quite sure yet. Show him when he is ready to see it. And, then Lord.....bombard him with all of the grace and mercy and favor you have planned for him and let it flow into his being. I want to see the wonderful things You have planned for this young man....I want to see him shine for You EXACTLY where You plan for him to shine.
I believe Lord You only plan the best for those who put their complete trust in You....and I
believe that for this special one that was given to You years ago.
Bless him and keep him and protect him and love him. We've done our best. Now, Lord.....we
ask that You would do the rest.
For all of these words to you....each one implores the name of Jesus....and the will of God.
Amen.