I get so sick of it, Lord!   Every time I try to prepare my mind to write.....I panic.  It's so stupid.  I have always come to You wide open, candid and ready to say just about anything to You.  I start this blog......and, my brain turns to mush.  It more than likely has to do with my "Public Persona".....and that irks me.  I need to continue to be as transparent as I always have been.  Years ago when I began writing to You, I had very little trouble at all.  I had toddlers, two then, and pregnant with a third.  I spent my days as most mom's do.  Trying to "get through" the day with some semblance of order and what remained of my sanity.  Dear Lord?  Have I managed to succeed?  (I mean, the sanity part! We added a couple more children to that mix.)  Some days I still wonder.  I do remember though, when I would write my fears, concerns, and troubles for the day......how I felt, what I wanted You to do for me, and the energy to do it......I remember, when I finished the letter.....I'd burn it or thrust it into the insides of the trash can where it could never be deciphered.  I was ashamed, Father.  I was ashamed that if anyone would read my thoughts, I would be run out of town!  You know, Lord......I threw away so much.....just because I was fearful if my husband knew my thoughts, he would question if I was really who he thought I was!  Finally, I guess in my late thirties, I began to not be so concerned that someone would read my inner angst.  My only concern was that You were listening (or reading!).....and, that You still were concerned and loved me.  The fact that You forgave me over and over for my lack of spiritual-ness.....or my incessant and insolent dialog with You.  I know, without a single doubt, You saved my life.  You lifted me and held me close when I needed to be nurtured and forgiven.  Thank You , dear One.  Thank You for allowing so many incidents.....where I was SURE You had forgotten the talents I could offer.....work I could do to "prove myself" to our church.......thank You, Lord......for allowing me the time to raise our children to behave properly in the church.  I did.  I knew it was my job to do so.  It surely was hard at times.  I remember more than once after arriving home.....fixing our lunch......I wondered why I had even gone.  I spent more time outside than inside.  I was embarrassed "they weren't getting it". 
For the days ahead of me now, I hope and pray for Your word to continue to guide me into all of the truth You have for me to know.  The things that YOU feel I need to work on or change completely.  It is my desire to be like You, Lord.  I don't want to fail in my effort to ensure my entrance into the Gate.  As I mentioned to my class on Sunday.....I found myself comparing satan and his imps to the gnats that appear out nowhere in a house that is pretty much closed up to the elements.  He continually watches our comings and goings to find a place where he can slip into our being.  I ask, dear Lord, again, to protect my mind when I sleep....and to allow Your Holy Spirit, to provide wisdom and strength for the duties You need me to fulfill.  "I need Thee, every hour.....ev'ry hour I need.  O bless me, thou my Savior, I come to Thee." 
In all I speak of......in all I ask for.....I will never fail to use the name of Jesus to ensure that Your will would be done in my life.  Amen.

"Lord, I want to be pleasing to You.....in every thing I do......I want to love You more.....more than words can say......".  The song goes on with what I can remember, Lord, and, without going to look.  "You gave Your life, You paid the price for me......for me."  There's more......but, the end says....."But the least that I could do.....is live my life for You."  As we sang this song this week, Lord......I watched as our young song leader led the motions and sang this with our V.B.S. group.  I was touched by Your presence surrounding her and all of us as we sang.  The "sometimes noisy and inattentive" group was totally involved in singing this song.  It wasn't an ear-blasting, rhythm pumping chorus.  It was softly played and intimately soothing to listen to.  I guess that is what surprised me, Lord.  And the words.   The words I can remember, just keep running through my head today.  Over and over, I hear it.  'Course, Lord.....when that happens, I wonder if something is coming.  You know me and how my brain works.  I don't know......but, I do know that I do want to be pleasing to You in everything I do......and, I know that since I have failed before in this area.....I will again.  Regrettably Lord, You made me human.  I try, but sometimes I act in a manner that surely displeases You......I catch myself (often in the middle of it all) behaving badly or talking about something or someone I have no business speaking of.  So much of our lives, Lord.....are Your business.  No one else's.  Sometimes, we "legitimize" our gossip by framing it in a prayer.  Jesus, shame on me.  Show me how to pray.  Show me myself, again and again, so I can see what makes You sad.  I need to be Your spokeswoman.....I need to be Your prayer warrior....but.....Father.....I do want to pray according to Your will.   Always.  For me and mine.  For those who need to be prayed for so desperately.
Where there is little hope for intervention of man to protect or help.  Lord....these are desperate days for so many.  Tomorrow may be my turn.....but, today......only You know the cries of the hearts of some of Your people.  People I know and love.  People I pray for and wonder if I am saying the right words.  You know, Lord.....many times when You haven't answered me just how I expect You to.....I have thought...."Well....I guess I should have asked that differently.....You probably didn't understand my question!"  Oh, Lord......how stupid can I be.  It just leaves us wide open to satan and his deceitful games.   You saw me being formed in my Mother's womb.....so.....You know EXACTLY how I am wired in my thinking and my doing.  You know what I mean and how I mean it.  You know if it is selfish.  You know if it is desperation.  You know if it is worthy. Enough said.  I leave it to You.   My heart is weary sometimes in praying for those who give and give and give and,  seemingly give some more......and, Lord.....You know what I am thinking.  "Please Jesus, give them a break!"  I'm sorry, Lord.  There is so much I don't understand or have any wisdom to advise.  Lord, You are the One who is absolute in wisdom and answers to prayer.  Oh, dear One.....give me Your wisdom......give all to me that I can handle.  I won't ask for more.  Your plans for me....those I need to minister to.....please Father, don't let me fail them.
It's the least that I can do, Lord.....is give and live my life for You.  In all I do, pray and say.....I ask all in the name of Jesus.   Amen.

It's been a while since You woke me up, Lord.  Yes.....it was heartburn that sat me up, but, knowing I needed to write, I guess, did it too.  I find myself so grateful for the life I have been given to live.  I feel exhilarated......no, wait.  Check "no" on that one, Lord.  But, I should be.  I feel gifted with the husband You chose for me.  He and I sort of grew up together in marriage and children.  Now, I praise You because of the great dad he has been to our five.  How he loves them!  As he read and re-read the cards they sent him, tears came to his eyes.  How blessed we both are for the life of each one.  And, their spouses.....and of course, our grandchildren. 

Lord, I am blessed because You have continued to shine Your light of love on us.  And, then, when I think any farther past that....I do get fearful.  I have been connected this week to more than one friend who has borne a sorrow no one else can suffer for them.  I find that the great sadness that changes one's life forever is so  all-encompassing that it seems impossible to heal.  Each one bears the grieving process in their own way.  And, Lord......how grateful I am  that You take our personal thoughts and issues into consideration as the wound heals.  I do believe though, Lord .....that the build-up of scar tissue makes some healing near impossible.  I have seen such heartache....or what I perceive as heartache.  I know, Lord.....I have gotten myself worked up when I think I can fix something for someone I have no ability for.....and find that I couldn't possibly have a clue.....and can only just hug them and pray that You will fill that gaping hole with the fullness of Your love for us......and perhaps, a new and bright hope.  I don't believe that You leave us to suffer alone....languishing.....dying a little everyday.  I have to believe You can fill us with a new purpose and perhaps, a brighter day.  We are Your precious children.....and I believe You love us so individually that You understand us as no one else can.  When we love and care for our families, You give us strength and as we need it, wisdom for the situations we often find ourselves in.  So many times, from the outside looking in, issues seem so clouded and unclear.  Sadness for the lost hope discourages us.  Depression is the gloom that threatens our livelihood.  "O Lord, it is You within where we put our trust!" "We cannot live without Your constant guidance and love."  "Search us O God, and find anything in us that makes You sad.....and then, lead us into life everlasting."  Help me, Jesus.....Help us all, to "Lean not to your (our) own understanding....In all your (our) ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your (our) paths."  Lord, You said....."For I know the plans I have for You.....plans to prosper you and not to harm you.....plans to give you hope and a future."  And, when I see that throughout the centuries, You have fulfilled Your plan for those of us that love You and feel called to Your purpose, it does give me reason to hope.

Often......way, too often.....I feel that my contribution to the Kingdom is "slim to none".  Yet..... I also know that satan's job is to make me feel useless (so I will quit completely while he stands by, smirking).....but, I will stay true to what You have called me to......until You notify me with the proverbial pink slip! 

Have Your way, dear One.  My heart is Yours.  I have to make sure I am prepared.  Where is my helmet?  It's probably under the clothes I just threw in the closet.  Where's the light.....great, there is none.  Oh, my word!  There's that shoulder pad I've been looking for.   Okay, Lord.....this is not "Comic Relief" night......It's just me, trying  not be so morose.  But, seriously, Lord.....I can do nothing without my Helmet of Salvation.  Keep me in line, Lord.  I will do my best.

In the name of Jesus, I pray and plead the blood.  Amen.

It's so good, dear One, to sit and write to You.  I love the access that I have to the Throne of God.  I don't have to wait.  I don't have to stand in a line.  I never am told that time is up and I have to wait until tomorrow.  You listen.  Anywhere.  Anytime.  It is such a gift.  I am blessed to have such a friend as You. 
 
I was thinking this morning about the verses of scripture that mean so much to us as Your children.  I praise You because even in our small Prayer Meeting crowd.....each person, had their own special connection with You. The other evening as I wrote each one down, I wondered about each one.  The ones that never share anything much with anyone.....not because they're embarrassed.....but, because satan convinces each of us at one time or another, that what we feel and think is unimportant to anyone else.  And, when he does that, he wins another round in the battle for eternal peace.  I wonder sometimes if I were more vocal during the week and spoke to folks I run in to, about You and what you have done for me.....I'd could possibly be more effective for You.  Of course, the enemy shows me that more than likely I would be ridiculed or laughed at.  I wonder, Lord.  Is that grounds for elimination?  I'm glad You put up with all the "reasons" we come up with for staying silent.  Now, just to secure this with You.....dear One.....I do not stay silent when I am urged by Your Spirit.  I know better.  I know that when I am scared I will say the wrong thing....You surprise me with phraseology that I normally wouldn't think of.  It happened the other day as I was on the phone.  I was trying to be Your voice and speak the words that You would have me speak.  I heard myself explaining something.....and I thought.....(because it came out of my mouth so perfectly) "Wow.  Where did that come from?"  And, of course, I knew, Lord.  It was Your Divine intervention.....because it was  clear as a bell.  I love when that happens.  You are God.  I am blessed to have You to as my sounding board....a friend that keeps me out of trouble.  Well, as long as I listen!  Sometimes I do get ahead of Your plan....and we have to start over.

If I could ask a thousand people what their favorite verse of scripture is.....I would reckon that each one would choose a different verse.  There are times when I ask that question....and I listen carefully, and think......"I wonder why they chose that one?"  I love how You speak so succinctly to each of us.  It shows how You speak to each of us, so we will understand the truths You want us to pursue, grow in and lead others to You with.  The people we are responsible for......I believe.....will understand our explanations of Your truth.  I ask Lord for Your word to become more and more clear to me so that I can be the warrior for You that You need me to be.  The day may come when I can't speak or......speak effectively.  I ask that my face will do the talking.  For You, Lord and for Your Kingdom.  

I ask and speak all in the name of Jesus.  Amen.   

Dear One......I was so amazed to find myself talking to a young woman last evening and as I listened to her responses, I felt as if I was in a conversation with myself.  I laughed as I listened and compared the things I say pretty often to You.  It is so funny, Lord....when You show me myself.  I remember another time when You did that......and I remember not being so pleased with what I saw and heard in another.  You showed me .....uh......characteristics, I guess, is the best word I can think of......that compromise my personality.  The word, characteristic, is meant to describe a person and their qualities.   I am forever trying to "fix" what I think might be broken in myself.....so , when I realized that You were handing me an answer on a silver platter.....I took it......immediately began the work to mend that broken place.  I guess I was amazed that "I" didn't like what I saw being portrayed......and realized You were showing me a place in myself that I could present to You as "flawed" or "broken"......and You would do the work in me that needed to be done.  It always takes the wind out of me.  Thank You, Jesus, for paying attention to my life....for caring enough to help me in my weakness and fallibility.  I guess what I love the most, is the fixing part.  The great "I  AM", is the surgeon.  Placing myself into the care of "The Great Physician" is the key component to a healthy mind.  You give me peace that passes all understanding.  I have assurance that You have my name written down and that as Your child....You are interested in the details of my life.  My concerns are Your concerns.  The house I live in.....is standing firm, while there are so many  thousands of folks that need You to give them peace in their area of need.  The devastation of the floods, and fire, and winds have wiped out all they depended on. Talking to You about my measley needs seems so ridiculous.....yet, with quick resolve I reject the thought to "wait" until......." perhaps, You're not so busy!"  When I see your care for me exhibited in devotionals  and the scriptures I read....it just shows to me the depth of Your love for me.....and for all of us, as Your children.  You walk with us through the areas of our lives that we consider devastation, and then You show us, what is really important and vital in our lives.
Thank You for using Your people to show me how to NOT give in to the wiles of satan.  He is continually poking and prodding to inject himself into my being.  Oh, Lord.....help me not to worry so about my armor being shiny and pleasing to look at.  I want and need the protection it gives me to carry on another day without the constant interference of the devil's lies and suggestions of doubt to my mind.  Why do I worry about his interference when I have the key to his demise....for a while, anyway.......by speaking Your name and reference You as my defense.  Thank You, Lord.  I will contend that the abuse  of my helmet of salvation and the breastplate of righteousness will in all reality become a beautiful masterpiece once all the  areas that satan has targeted are all buffed out.  I think, Lord......but, I'm not sure that it matters to You if my armor is shiny or not.  What my concern is that I keep it moving through the storms and through the trials.  Give me Your strength and wisdom to keep active so there is not one opportunity to form any rust or degradation.  "Keeping me safe through the storm" doesn't sound very brave on my part.....but, because You promised, I ask.  I need You, Lord.  I need You, more than I did yesterday.  I thank You for listening to the pleas of my heart, today.  I don't want to go back to running things on my own.  Isaiah 28:12, tells me You gave a time of respite to Your people.......and they would not listen.

I just want You to know.......I'm listening......and I am resting, as we speak!  Thank You, dear One.

In all I pray......it's all in the name of Jesus.  Amen.