"Oh, Lord.....You've Searched Me......"

And, I don't mind asking.....what have You found?  Anything worth salvaging?  The song goes on to say....."You know my way.....even when I fail You......I know You love me."  I can be trying hard.....just moving along with my day to day, and I wonder why I said "that"......or "thought that" .....or "did this".
Or , someone just looks at me after I have said something..... (as happened the other day) ......and I am quickly re-checking what just came out of my mouth and wonder if I need to "fix" it.  Sometimes, I know I would be better off if I just stayed in the mute mode.  Lord, as You know.....and others are soon to find out.......You have Your hands full with my "patched- up" psyche.  I do not understand why I am constantly trying to affirm myself to others.  I can't seem to get it right.  When you find out that your "real self" is itching to get out and you've been playing "Whack 'a' mole" for years with all of the things about your "real self" you don't want to leak out.....it does begin to get tiresome to say the least.
The other day I read a devotion that "Joni and friends" published.  Lord, if someone with such a fabulous ministry and significant life experiences to share can suffer the same self-defeating spirit, I need to try and remain hopeful that you can give me the peace I need to stave off the wiles of satan.
She wrote that her body ached.....she was miserable.....the garments that keep her sitting properly in her wheelchair were giving her a great deal of discomfort.  Trying to keep her mind in perspective of the long air flight she was on.....the comfort of her assistants and husband , not withstanding,  she was just plain annoyed by all of it.  No prayers, or in-flight movies, or plans for tomorrow could settle her mind and spirit.   Lord.....she said something.....and then, You said something back to her that sounds vaguely familiar.  She said something like this to herself......"I don't understand what's wrong with me.....it isn't like me to act like this!"   And, You said back to her......."Yes, it is like you......!"    I've said that Lord.  "It isn't like me to act this way"!  And, making fun of the situation, whatever it is,  has given me a bit of a pass to act or talk unlike the usual "ME" that I allow others to see.  I pray Father, that the times that my resistance is low and the list, unusually long or troublesome........I can insist on the power of the Holy Spirit to sustain me through it all. You know Lord.....something she wrote that resonated with me was the fact that it finally was "getting to her" that the situation she was in was annoying to her because she had NO control over any of it.  You did.  And, Lord......I really think when we are in that kind of "understanding" with You.....there is nothing to do but accept, accept, accept!  We are all in such need of  Your lifting us up and holding us a little more often.  I go off in all the directions, 50 miles an hour,  and find myself along side the road usually in a rut, twenty minutes later.  All my great intentions have slammed to a stand still.  I'm tired.  I'm weary.  I have to re-think.
By then the evil one has given me enough pause to stymie me to submission. 
Lord, it is time to gather up my senses and find the strength in You to give me the power to do the jobs You need for me to do.  Yes, my resolve may be strong but, the drawbacks and potholes in the road to accomplishment often take me totally out of commission.  I don't care for that scenario.  I know You can choose others to do what You planned for me to do.....and when I falter, You may very well do that.....(I don't know) but , when You have a place for me to fill, I want so badly to do the will of Your plan for me.  I can be Your example.  I can be Your hands.  And, if You have words that need to be heard......Oh, Lord........please, help me to use them wisely.
Give me the power of Your Holy Spirit to fill me.  Let me instill the precious sounds of Your comforting words to those that are struggling to hear You.
I bow at the cross, Father.  There is no greater love than to know You take our needs and our heartcries and lift then to Your own self.
All of these requests and thoughts are written in Your name.  Amen.

"This Is My Desire.....To Honor You!"

Lord Jesus......I need to tell You some things.  "This is my desire......to honor You.   Lord, with all my heart ......I worship You.  All I have within me.....I give You praise.....All that I desire.....I have in You.
Here I am to worship.  Here I am to bow down.  Here I am to say that You're my God.  You're altogether lovely.....altogether worthy.....altogether wonderful to me.....".    And, Lord......I know You know I am quoting some praise music here.....but,  I wish I could put the rest of this to music.  That is not a special gift to me though.  I just give You the words in my heart.  It is Your choice to put them to music.  As long as I can keep singing.....and give You the praise.....I am filled to capacity with joy for You. 
I can say I truly am blessed.  I have so much that fills my heart with love and appreciation for You.  I am so touched that You have allowed me first of all.....any wisdom.  I praise You for giving me my life.
(Remember that day Mom looked at me from her hospital bed and responded with "....and that's good?").
She had looked at me and queried that because of  the major stroke and seizures she had endured.....that her "sensibilities" might be affected......and I.....trying to assure her.....said......."Mom, you are fine.....you're just as smart as I am! (or something to that effect.)  To which, she wordlessly replied......"and that's good?".  I remember, we both laughed our heads off.  I remember Father, that throughout the trauma of my Mother's last years of life.....I learned so much about You.....and me.....and her.  Every day that I spent by her bedside.....I learned a little more.  Anyway, Father.....I thank You for the promise of Springtime that You give all of us.  The promise of the rainbow after the storm.  The peace that fills our hearts when we lay our anxieties at Your feet.  No One ever cared for me like You, my dear friend.  You have given me all that I could ever ask for......let alone even think about dreaming.  I am Yours, Lord.   Don't EVER let me forget it.
To enjoy our son for a short time.....entertain his new wife.....and his (also new) Mother and Father-in-law.....is so special.  I praise You for this day and thank You that You allowed us this privilege.  So many of our church family have watched our boy  grow into this responsible young man that we enjoy and that many of them were all  a part of that process is special.   Lord, today is not about the decorating of the gym....or the planned program.....or the dinner.  All that is a part of it but the real reason is the joy we have at seeing Your plan for his life coming to fruition. 
Our lives......our thoughts and plans all depend on the graciousness of You, Lord.  You give us pause.
We live because You allow it.  We are determined because You give us breath.
 Lord, continue to give me the favor You feel I deserve.....and I, will never forget to praise You.
Thank You for the blessing of life.  Thank You for the blessing of peace that reigns in my heart today.
I bless Your name.  I speak in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

I wish I could think clearly when I have a lot on my mind, Lord.  I always......just about always....have to sit down, putting pen to paper or fingers to the keyboard and start talking to You.  You would think that I could stay out of trouble this way, wouldn't You, Father?  Letting You know the ideas that swim around in my head.....the troublesome areas I find I might have to deal with (because I am forever borrowing trouble)....the particular areas of my life that present me with problems.....all of it, Lord.....I can never think properly until I unload it at Your feet.  Sometimes I feel as if I am dragging a big black trash bag behind me all the time.  Isn't that a pleasant picture?  Lord, I'm sorry.  I try to be an example.  I keep  hoping that my relationship with You is quote-worthy and because of my "experiences" think somebody needs to learn from my growth process.....but, Lord.....the longer I live, the worse I get at this.  Why?
Is it because You need to do the teaching?  And I, the encouraging?  I need Your intervention here.  I feel that I need to re-navigate all of my thoughts about growing spiritually.  I do know that seldom do people learn anything by emulating someone's life.  Most of the time, people are thinking....." I don't want to be that kind of Christian." and so they find their own way, whether it is effective or not.  You know me Lord.  You know that I consult You about everything I do nearly.  Even small, inane things.  I am quick to let You know when I have run my mouth and shouldn't have......I have even asked You to erase some stuff for me......but, I know You have lessons for me to learn.....I don't know it all!  Help me to be quicker in consulting You.  Erase from my heart and mind the things that ruin relationships because of being a motor mouth.  Help me see that You alone are the very best teacher one could have. And, that because I think I know best........... I really don't.  Long ago I wrote a quote from Amy Carmichael and  placed it in my Bible.  I didn't want to forget it......I wanted to live it......and I am not sure I even knew how or know now.  Remember Father how she stated it?  "If I belittle those to whom I am called
to serve....speak of their weak points in contrast with what I perceive as my strong points.....if I adopt
a superior attitude--forgetting.....'Who made thee to differ?'  and 'What hast thou that thou hast not
received?'.......Then.......I know nothing of Calvary. "  Lord, when I first read this quote years ago......I determined that I would try to emulate this in my own life.  And, Lord......(?) I really don't think I have done this at all.  I do have to say one thing that I feel is true......I have not meant to make myself lord over anyone.  I intended that my example and experience in the Christian growth process demanded was something I should share.  I think I have to go back to the beginning.  I think I need a transplant.  The bottom line is to emulate You.  Your talk.  Your walk.  Your deeds.   And, as Amy Carmichael stated.....remember Calvary, and what happened there to free me from sin......and the clutches of satan.
It is my hope to remember always that You are Lord of all.....and are well qualified to run the show in my life and in the lives of those we minister to.  Help me to be aware that Your wisdom comes to me in the form of the written word of inspired writers, the holy scriptures......in Your own witness to me through devotional writers.....and how You show me in many ways how You love me.  It has never been a co-incidence to me how You work.   It is truly a gift, Lord.
I enjoyed reading "Joni and Friends" devotional today.  It makes me work harder.  It shows me where I am lacking.  Thank You for shining the light on my heart today.
You make all things well.  You do all things well.  And......You love me.   Thank You for that.  I ask all in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

I think it is so odd that I haven't been able to write "out loud" for the last few weeks.  I've intermittently given my needs and the desires of my heart to You, Lord.....but, I have had such inner peace I couldn't even understand it.  I barely asked.  I just sort of thought....."Help me.....please?"......and You did.  It really didn't seem like prayer.  It was more like the old Shorthand course taught in school.....only in my  thoughts.  How You do that is amazing to me.  It is the only form of magic I believe in.  Your Holy Spirit leading me, guiding me, pushing me, quieting me, loving me.  Hopefully, Lord......through it all.....I trust that I made You proud.  I am so touched at the blessings I have been supplied with.  You have given freely.  You have allowed me to live.  You have given me wisdom when I asked.  You have supplied me with the talent to produce something out of nothing while growing my family.  I appreciate the blessings of the Godly heritage John and I both were given.  At a moments notice I have always known, I could call on You, Lord.  I also knew that.  I thank You and the parents You allowed me to have that the knowledge of Your divine power could go anywhere with us.  The ministry was hard.  I remember as a child, my parents always struggled with the issues of a falling-down-around-us-parsonage and basically no money.  It was just always a fact of our lives.  It was also never something we resented.  It was a fact of life we always had to work around.  And they did.  My parents gave us all we ever really needed.  The Czech cuisine was filling and the dollars stretched where they had to go.  Daddy never complained and mom made us feel like we had all we needed.  And, You know, Lord?  we did.   I am grateful.  You are and always have been....all we need. 
I am thinking of friends who love You, Lord.  And, in my opinion, are in the fire most of the time.  They are reminiscent of the quote that says......"from the frying pan into the fire".......every time you turn around.  I know the outsiders looking onto the situations they entertain think......"What good does it do you to have God on your side.....?".......or ......."What in the world have you done to deserve this kind of grief in your life?"  I know it.  I've heard it.  And, I hate the implication that just because we are "Christian"  and love You......we are never supposed to walk through difficult circumstances.  You, dear One, have been through the fire.  And, You, Lord, deserved none of it.  To us, who are so very human, we often feel as though we are too unequipped to fight the evils that come our way.  I believe, Lord, that we can.....I have, with Your Word to guide me.....and Your children praying for me.....and You, giving me wisdom......I have.  It's life.  No one has an easy time.  I remember when my Mother was found......barely conscious, lying in her apartment.....on the floor.....just waiting for someone to find her.  After two whole days and two nights......not being able to move.....I know she believed in You and the scenario that would follow for all of us...... would eventually draw us closer to You.....knowing that in You and Your teachings were all we could count on. 
And so, Lord.....from the beginning to the end.....I will follow You.  I don't know how it all will go.
I just know that my life is in You.  My hope is in You.  My joy is in You.  And, my belief system will lie in the recesses of my mind and shall not be removed. 
Thank You Father for the love You provide.  Thank You for giving us the desires of our hearts....when we don't even know what that desire is.  You provide.  You give and give and give all that we desire and more.  I am blessed.  I am so aware that I am.  Jesus, I just want to thank You.
In the name of Jesus I pray and give You praise.  Amen.