"MY LETTERS TO GOD": April 2016

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

I wish I knew how to change some things, Lord! I wish I knew when to keep my mouth shut! I wish You could make me do what I should......! When I come to You.....my first thought is....."Lord, what can I do for You, today?" And, then.....I almost immediately change it to......"Hey there, Lord! Thank You for loving me." That way, I can keep the conversation moving....and not leave any time for You to interject what You want me to do! What in the world ails me, Lord? Why am I so aimless? Why do I draw back when I hear the word "service"? What is Your plan for me? Why do I not want to stay still long enough to decipher what Your answer is for me? I find it hard to write to You. It used to flow so much easier. It provided a spiritual comfort to me.
Return to me the caveat of consolation I have relied on for so long. Or, if You wish.....take me to a new place I've never realized before. Whatever Your desire is or wherever You take me.....I am anxious to fulfill that place. The floundering is wearing me out. "Yes, I'm retired.......No, I don't want to DO anything! I can be as involved as I want to be! Then if I do that....I have to put up with people! Lord, as You can see.....I still need a kick in the pants to get me started. Yes, I'm willing to move.....if that is what You want. But, You know my anxious thought process better than anyone. You also know my ability to say "No! I can't do that right now!" is .....well, you know my track record. "I will serve Thee, because I love Thee" has always been in the back of my mind! That's nice. And, obedient. The other words that come to me aren't part of that song. "......not because I want to." Lord, I wonder if that little bratty kid that flows in my veins, will ever be tamed? It seems that the older I get, the louder her voice rings in my ears. Eleven or twelve years old, the verse from Psalm 19:14 became a special mantra for me. "Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in Thy sight....O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer." I always loved thinking......now, that verse should keep me in tow. I have a tendency to stuff things down inside.....not speaking aloud. I have found throughout my days.....well, there are times when I have found the floor of my heart and mind a little damp. And, under further inspection.....see that a leak in my spirit has been under the surface.....causing damage to the inner workings of my being.
Sometimes, irreparable. You, O Lord.....are the guardian of my inner being. I depend on You to provide the strength I need. I've always known You are all I need. Remind me often. I need to be reminded. Annoying as it is to me. I like to be on top of those things.
You and I, Lord. It's not that hard. Persistent. Consistent. I can do this. Oftener than I have been, anyway! In the name of Jesus, I pray. Amen.

Introduction to "My Letters To God"

My letters to God came about by my need to communicate with Him on a regular basis. I needed to, as a christian, a wife and a mother notwithstanding, pray every day. As a young mother I found myself almost continually interrupted by my two little girls. All for necessary and legitimate reasons. You and I both know satan uses every trick in the book to keep us from communing with God and I felt that he was definately getting the upperhand. So, one day out of sheer desperation, I grabbed a sheet of paper or a notebook (I don't remember) and began to scribble out a prayer for God to come and rescue me. I needed to tell Him EXACTLY how I felt. I needed Him and felt that this was my only recourse. Invariably, before I started writing, when I was interrupted I hardly ever would go back to my devotion time. I'd forget where I was in my prayertime and it all seemed futile.....after all, the wash had to be done, the beds had to be made, baths needed to be taken care of.....etcettera.....etcettera....etcettera. After the first attempt, I tried it again and again until this wonderful habit was formed for me. I could literally stop mid-sentence and almost always go back , and pick up where I had left off. As I found my time with God lengthening because of my determination to do this, it ended up being my solace. Even with two more daughters and a son as the years went by. I often found that it was truly a wonderful thing when I would search for a word that described what I REALLY felt. Many times in my prayertime prior to this , I would skim over the

hard parts that would express my angst to Him sort of mumbling, "Lord, you know what I mean.....". I was so terribly desperate to express how I really felt. To that, I could only tell Him in my tears and fears and frustration hoping He would still love me. I'd reread sometimes and find that I was alot meaner than I knew He would be pleased with.....or, I was not as bad as I believed I was.

Writing to God has followed me into the years that the world says are the "senior years". It doesn't matter to me. As long as I can hold a pen and write Him all of my heart thoughts, the "mind stealers" will not deter me. I am determined to be God's instrument. I will blow my horn for Him as long as He gives me breath!

As I share my letters with you, past and present, may you find in Him the solace that you need. He will give that to each of us. This is my prayer.

"MY LETTERS TO GOD"

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Tuesday, April 12, 2016

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