I know it, Lord........every time, I am almost positive You are tugging at my arm.....(or the back of my neck).....to sit down and write to You.  Oh my word, Lord.....today I feel as if I will burst.  I have to tell You how I feel. And, why I feel that way.  And, what You can do for me when nothing changes.....IF.......nothing changes.  John and I are just about at the end of our time in the pastorate.  It is a place that I was always pretty comfortable with.  I always knew that I would be a Pastor's wife.  I always knew that people would be watching......judging......comparing......gossiping......just to name a few words that describe my chosen profession.  Along with You....since I was born a child of the pastorate.....I knew what was coming.  I have found, dear One......that even though the road can be difficult, I have always found comfort in the fact that You chose me to fulfill this place.  Thank You for allowing the Pastor You chose, too.....to have the girl he wanted in his life.  It was, all You.  I thank You and praise You for the journey You prepared for us right from the beginning.  I remember each and every place.  I remember...."the call".  I remember the day of the "move".....and all of the "imagined" worries and how You allayed all of those fears.  I remember the girls, still not teenagers yet.....wondering if the next place we would move, would have "Cocoa Puffs" at the grocery store.  (Lord, I am wondering if the next place we move will have "my" version of "Cocoa Puffs."  )   And, of course, You know exactly what I mean!
As we leave here.....I wonder..... "Have I Done My Best for Jesus?"  So many of my questions when we came......still have not been answered.  So many answers to the "issues" people struggle with....well, honestly Lord......I really thought with a few verses of scripture.....wagging of a finger......and Your divine touch......I honestly thought, Lord.....that would be the winning ticket in this race we are in.  It hasn't been.  People are stubborn.  They don't want to be construed in any way as "wrong".  They want their way to do things.....to be everybody's way to do things.  If not.....it's "Hit the road, Jack......and don'cha come back no more, no more.....!"  Father in heaven......I have seen people come.  I have seen people go.  I have seen people come back.......and I have seen people leave again.  I wish......Oh, Lord....how I wish we could have made people happy enough to stay and fight for the church and the havoc that Satan presents on a regular basis.  It is through "Your people", Lord....they (and they don't seem to ingest this information) are the ones that grow a church.  Lord,  I know that folks really believe the opposite is true.  If people engage each other.....love each other as they love themselves......it is a combination that can't lose.  I remember so clearly how my own preacher father felt at a loss....at what to do with people.  He felt incompetent, the later years of his ministry, because of how he was treated not only by the Church but by the people who claim to love You.  Lord.....I grieved over that issue so long.  I blamed You.  I had to blame someone, I thought.  The fault?  I don't even know any more.  It doesn't matter.  I do know that he fulfilled his call to You, dear One.  He was faithful to Your calling for him.  As I peruse the corners of my mind to be mindful of my job and how I performed it......I feel clear.  Lord, I will not let the enemy of our souls win this one.  He can kiss my foot.  It's closest to him......since he's down there with the sneaky snakes of the world.......I am sorry to be so hateful......but, that is one created being that deserves to be despised.  
I remember, so vividly, that thinking that the whole job should be pretty easy.  If folks would just believe that You provide the POWER  to save us........and that You provide the POWER to let us be "forgivers"......and that You provide the POWER to help us choose love to envelope people who come to us that we really don't care too much for. (Oooo....It's often true.....but, not said aloud!)
I don't believe that they REALLY believe You Can Do That For Us!!  I was amazed when I tried forgiving with "Your power".  No diet.  No pain.  Just, a choice. It honestly was the easiest thing I had ever done.  And, Lord....I had suffered with that "They're jerks!  I can't stand them.  Forgive them?  For what?  I AM NOT THE ONE THAT NEEDS TO FORGIVE!!  Didn't You hear me, Lord?  They are jerks!"  Yeah......that's some of my side of the dialog You and I had, Lord!  I'm sure You remember.  I wasn't even sure I meant what I was saying to You.  I just believed that "IF I SAID THE WORDS.....YOU WOULD PROVIDE THE POWER!!  I know You remember the outcome.  And, my relief!!  I literally felt a weight lift off of me.  It was real.  Sooo, Lord...... I just assumed that EVERYBODY would be tickled pink to add this to their list of accomplishments (spiritually speaking).  And, to my amazement.....very few even want to entertain the idea that "they" should forgive.  They don't want it this way. They don't want to forgive.  They want to keep it going  forever, it seems.  Oh Lord.  What will it take?  When will You move?  Will it hurt?  Father, for Your will to be done......and us to walk up to the gate.....and for us to be ushered into Your presence......something has to change.  Excuses will not be an option.
Your way, Lord......and Your will.  I ask in Jesus name......amen.