Desperate? Just Breathe God's Name!

Jittery and nervous.  Anxious and depressed.  All in the same body, mind and spirit.  Combating all this confusion is an answer.  Lord, first thought is "How did I get here?  Again?"  Second thought is:  "Talk to God."  So often, I am in this place.  And, the same old fears abound....and a few new ones surface. I think it's time , dear One, to put this to rest again!  Out of commission.  At the foot of the cross.  Hmmm.....maybe, buried at the foot of the cross.  For sure....the next time....I'll be sure to bring my shovel, Lord....to help with the process.

I teach.  I exhort, on occasion.  I pray.  I believe....most of the time.  But....I do not leave everything with You.....all the time.  In actual fact, as I was reading today,  I'm thinking I have (because I complain and whine so much).....but haven't really told You my heart thoughts about what I am suffering.  I'm apparently too busy moaning.  I'm sorry, Lord.  Here I have been waiting for You to release an answer and give me some peace, and, I haven't even asked for Your mercy.....and Your answer to my dilemma.

It continues to amaze me Lord.  I think I have just about got You figured out and You shock me with some inspirational words from devotional writers and the inspired word of God......and there I sit....furiously writing and trying to take in all this "new" information You have for me.  Of course, Lord, it's not new at all.  I've heard it all before.  Sometimes, I think You should give us a quiz now and then.....but, that's okay.....the storms that rage in on occasion are enough to keep me on my knees. 

"I stand amazed in Your presence....Jesus, the Nazarene.  I wonder how You could love me.....a sinner, condemned and unclean.  How marvelous.  How wonderful.  And, my song shall always be....how marvelous.  How wonderful....is my Saviour's love for me."  How do I tell You that if it wasn't for Your love I would be hopeless? What amazes me most is that even though You tell me how to live for You, I fall and fail regularly.....and You still love me.  You take the time to come back, help me up....nurture me and steady my walk enough so You can go on ahead of me to prepare the way.....again and again.  Thankfully You do not leave me to struggle alone. 

I praise You today for the wonderful words I have recently read that have strengthened me and encouraged me.  The choices I make.....to read Your word and to feast on the meal You spread out for me....or to insist I've had enough sustenance and can go a little longer without eating....Well, Lord.....this kind of dieting I do not need.  My help comes from You.  I will maintain this healthy lifestyle as long as You give me breath.

For this day, the problems that I view, the heart concerns and the answers I desperately seek....I ask all in Your will, in Your way,  in Your time, and in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

What am supposed to do, Lord?  How do I help in situations I have no control over?  What do I suggest?
Questions upon questions....complaint after complaint.....sorrow upon sorrow.  There seems to be less answers than ever, Lord.  And, when I am asked.....or just told about areas of concern in the lives of others I care about....why do I feel I must fix everything?  Lord, I know it's natural for me to want to say the right thing....and have the answer for any question. (Or, maybe its  just an ego thing...and that's not very spiritual, is it? )  But, You know I can't feasibly do this.  I do have bits and pieces of Your wisdom and a portion of the mind of Christ (the scripture says this and I'm just sayin' it to remind You, okay? )   but sometimes  I seem to draw a complete blank when confronted with the dissension others face.  Lord, I can say things like, "I will pray that God gives you His wisdom ".........but, is there more I can do?  Lord, if there is, I am willing.  Well....I think I am willing.  This is so hard to do, Father.
 When we are little children we go to our parent to find the nurturing we need.  That kiss to make everything better doesn't have a magic cure....it just provides the touch that we as humans often need to feel sustained....and loved.  How do we do this for adults?  How do we show that sustenance that so often is needed....not necessarily wanted? I know my instant reaction is to say something profound.
You know, Lord.  Those statements that make people stop and realize that all is not lost and that there is hope for them.  I guess that is where I make a mistake.  I do know that it is just as important to be quiet many times and just listen.  It isn't always necessary to compare situations and go off on a tangent telling "our story" and "how we handled things".
Show me Lord.  Show me where my place is in those times.  I want to be Your instrument.....and even though I would like to be, I don't have to be the "first chair instrument"!  You know what I mean?  I thank You,  Lord,  that today, even though cloudy,  looks better than yesterday. There's just enough "SON" shining to make things hopeful.   I just thought about that scripture where you give us the reminder that "while we are still speaking.....the answer is on the way" (my version).  I love that , Lord.  It shows me how much You love me and care about what concerns me in my world.  It shows me too, that You will give us the strength we need WHEN we need it.  Not before.  Breathing a prayer when I am listening to someone speak is a good thing to do.  It is then that I should not be afraid to speak IF and WHEN You deem necessary.  It is also easier to speak when I am secure in knowing You are supplying the words.  I have no interest in being "top dog". Really.   All I wish for ....and pray for .....is Your divine intervention in those times.  Today, Lord....is all Yours.  Your plan.  Your way.  Your time.  And, in Your name I pray.  Amen

Hello to You, dear One.   I am at peace when I come to talk to You.  I have all of these questions swirling about in my head....and I look at scriptures....and devotionals....and still have so many  concerns about why I am like I am.  So many  years ago, after some classes taken at a seminar....I found myself anxious and depressed after determining my personality strengths and weaknesses.  Lord, I vividly remember going home to wonder how I could minister to anyone with all of my flaws.  I also remember one day when I was looking into the kitchen pantry of one of our church parsonages (it was that vivid)  and deciding it was time then,  to stop pretending "I had it all together", when I didn't at all.  "Acting as if" wasn't working for me.  It just made me feel worse.  And, Lord.....I also remember one day telling the ladies in a Bible study group about my depression issues.  Most said nothing.  One woman indicated she had "no  clue" about what I was seemingly suffering and indicated there must be "something wrong with me".  I probably struggled more after that "coming clean" session than I believed was necessary.  And, Lord....I know You remember it as well as I do.  I also remember You were especially close to me in showing me those who could advise as well as pray with me and for me.  I was embarrassed to admit I was fallible in any area.  I still feel Lord that You impressed me to be real to those I was ministering to.  The first word I heard from someone that was trying to encourage me was "candid".  I also remember sort of having to check on the meaning of the word.  After that,
Lord.....I felt that "being candid" needed to be my mantra.  I wanted those I was responsible for (in
teaching and giving advice to in our ministry) to know that I didn't have all the answers for them....but I knew someone who did.....and that praying together could lead them to the same peace You had given to  me.  Throughout the years of teaching and speaking .....I always find that You allow me some of Your wisdom in connecting with others and that after I have done all I can do;  go to the foot of the cross and lay that and any other burden I have,  down.  Usually Lord, after I have done all my talking, whether in  a class or our Worship time.....I see the trickle-down effect of my words.  It's not always positive.  It's not always encouraging at all.  After the devil hears my words I really think he pounces on them and turns them against me.  Well.....why can't I blame him, Lord?  He is the detractor of all things positive, Lord.  Anything I have done and said, he will turn to his advantage.  Lord, I told the congregation on Sunday to be "on guard all the time".....to "wear our helmet of salvation"....the breastplate of righteousness seems to be a little more elusive.  Why?  I think mostly, Lord, it's because I do not feel worthy enough to be called "righteous".  Lord, I really think that is satan.  I think it is his job (as satan) to discourage, deflate, detour any manner of righteousness I deserve.  Lord, only You can change that for me.  I read the best verse this morning on the "Facebook" site by a young woman that was a teen in our first church.  She had a picture of a mother bird with her babies tucked in right under the safety of her wings and this verse......"He shall cover you with his feathers and under His wings you shall take refuge..". Lord, that and so many other verses encourage me and show me how very loved I am.  Why is it so easy to forget that?  Why do I put up with satan's lies?
Help me remember that You are the power source for me.  That I can call on You each and every moment of the day.  I ask all of this, again.  I ask all....in the name of Jesus.  I pray for Your will to be done.  Amen.

Thank You Lord for the power of Your word to us.  Thank You for giving us examples to follow....and not to follow.  Sometimes I can see the worst case scenario before I see the best case.  I suppose it is my melancholy/phlegmatic personality.....and I often wish I didn't  have to work so hard to see the  best.  It is tiring.  I realize too, that it is such a playground for the devil.  I need only one negative statement...and off I go to create this screenplay for my life.  I think You created me to be a little more responsible.  The scriptures I encountered today in my devotional were exactly what I needed to see.  As usual Lord....I see what You have written down for me to trust in...and fail to apply where it is needed.  I can think..."whatever is true.....and noble....and right....and pure....and lovely....and admirable....and excellent....or praiseworthy.....THINK ON THESE THINGS!"...and just move on to another verse without really trying to change my thought process.   So, in Your opinion, Lord....do I?  Yeah, I know.  That is what I thought You would say.  Why does it take such effort?  So, Lord.....how do I ...."....let the Spirit renew my thoughts and attitudes. "  I think it's more than putting on a "new nature, created to be like God...truly righteous and holy."  Isn't it? 
Then, of course I think......"Well, if God didn't mean for me to live in such a victorious manner....why would He give me all this information?"  I feel like such a froot-loop , Lord.  I wish I could act my age.  I wish I could be this icon of virtue I'd like to be. Okay, that is a bit dramatic.   I want to do Your will, though.   I'd like to do things that point observers of my behavior to You....with no agenda....or question.  I would appreciate knowing that when I talk to You, You are not sick and tired of listening to the same thing.. You have shown me,  Lord.  Really.  Over and over. (  I recently found an old diary of mom's.  As I perused through the pages....I saw .....Monday:  I have a headache today and had to go to......!  Tuesday:  I have a headache again and had to....!  Wednesday:   I have a headache again and had to .....! )  Do I play the same tape over and over to You?    Lord, even though I perceive myself to be a headache to You , I maintain that You,  without doubt. accept  my flawed thinking and point me to the power of  Your holy Spirit.  It is with a grateful heart I will determine to think of how You responded to satan in the moments You were ever weak.  I know beyond any doubt that You claimed Your Father's name and to all the naysayers,  claimed victory in that name.  The blood shed at Calvary was the price.  Your death on the cross was the bill paid in full.  And, for us who watch for Your coming, the resurrection was the gift handed to us freely.  When You have done the work, paid for the parts and labor....why can't I accept the fact that the gift is mine.  That victory is mine.  What is that song title...."God said it, I Believe It....and that Settles IT For ME!" ?  That Lord, is my song today.  And, to confirm it....I will go look it up....play and sing it after I finish this letter.  Lord, it amazes me how childlike I find myself to  be.  Is it because Your plan for us is supposed to be simple enough for a child to understand?  And, because we are grown up....we think we have to put this religious spin on everything to appear God-anointed.  Lord, help me to grow into the icon of spiritual-ness that You want ME to be. ( Is it  possible, Lord? )  You know who I minister to....who listens to me....who watches my behavior.  All of that.  And, Lord....my hope is to always point to You.  To always look to You....because I know that is where my solace is.  And, mostly to obey Your calling to me....even when I don't want to.  Going.  Doing.  Being.  Listening.  Not talking....just listening.  Your plan.  Your way.  Your time.   Do I make any sense to You today?
Okay....I won't worry about that.  You!  You are God.  You are all I'm living for!  I am speaking today to You .....asking for Your will to be realized in my life.....and I pray all in the name of Jesus.  Lord....help me remember what I just prayed. Sometimes, Lord....I berate myself for the words I use to express my heart thoughts.....or even for the thoughts I think.  Help me to forever realize that You love ME.   Help me to learn Your wisdom for this day.  Amen.

"In the Light of Your Presence....I Live!"

Good morning, Lord.  I can't seem to concentrate on any devotional this morning.  My eye's are barely focusing and I can't seem to make myself entertain anything You have for me this morning.  Now is when I have to stop and just turn to my best resource.  Barring any interjection from the wiles of satan, I come to You and hope for the light of day and Your presence overwhelming me.  I know You have a plan for me today.  Help me see where I can serve You today.  Give me Your wisdom.  Allow me Your favor today.  Lift this weight off of my mind.  Show me the power You arrayed before the disciples when You arose from Your sleep and commanded the sea to be still.  Lord, Your power to cease operations if and when You choose to is so overwhelming it is hardly believable.  You know though, Lord....I do believe it with no problem.  You have been so good......in the time when You walked the earth as we do....and now as You look down from Your Fathers right hand....we live under Your merciful eyes.  So much evil goes on.  The sadness and heartbreak that flows in and out of the lives of Your people is enough to put us in the ground.  Very often, Lord.....too often.....people would rather be dead than to deal with the sadness in their lives.  I remember looking at my friend one day and she quickly said to my "I'm so sorry!"........"If you hear I die tonight,  don't cry for me.....there are some things worse than death."  And Lord.....I knew she was broken.  And, I also knew I could do nothing to ease the pain.  Sometimes people don't want to be hugged....or even feel they deserve it.   Or, even feel they deserve your prayers.  Lord, those times are the ones that show us that we are so totally dependent on Your power to lift our souls to another place.  A place that is a little closer to You, I think.  That transcendent area You place us in until we can walk again. I've been there, Lord.  It is an area of peace....and it did make me stronger while I was there.  We are so loved by You.  And, so often we are allowed only that fact.  That You love us....in and out of pain.  I am so blessed to have You to listen to my pleas.  Grant me this day the strength I need to lift, to help, to pray.  Father, as sometimes happens.....my head still aches.  My eyes are still not clear.....but, I am blessed today and thank you for that.  I speak all in the name of Jesus and will to be done....in all....the good and the bad.  Your will, Lord.  And always....  Your plan.  Amen."

"On Christ.....The Solid Rock: I Will Stand!"

Father....today is one of those days.  I have a list of people here in front of me that I should connect with. I have jobs to fulfill.  I have running to do that may put me in a place where I'll have to inter-act with someone.  And....that is always a place I am not crazy about going to.  Okay, I know.  We talk about this occasionally.  But, it seems to me the conversation is a bit one-sided.  Lord, I wish you would literally shove me out the door.  Sometimes I think that is the only way I will be forced to contend with society and be an instrument for You.  I spend so much time housebound that when it is time to go into the world I am a scared rabbit.  You must show me how to be the best I can be.  I realize I have a ministry to do for You.  I'm not sure if I am doing less than You expect of me or not.  My nerves take a beating.  My heart pounds for the obscurity of expectations.  Only You can give me peace.  I do know that my hope is built on  nothing less, than Jesus' blood and righteousness.  I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus' name.  Because.....On Christ, the solid Rock I stand.....all other ground is sinking sand. Yes, indeed....all other ground, is sinking sand.  And, of course, that sinking sand is where satan wants me to be.  Struggling to walk....tired of it all....too weak to take another step.  That is when he comes to me, assuring me that "he knows how I feel.....and following Christ sure does take its toll on a body and its okay to sit down (in that sinking sand) and wait 'til you have caught your breath awhile."  Lord, defeat that disgusting plague in my life that makes me almost believe him.  He is a liar.  He is out to defeat anything I feel I have  ever won victory over.  He almost certainly presents me with this defeatist attitude that threatens to wear me down and I fall for it. Almost every time.   I , who should absolutely know better.  I, who, preach to my ladies in Sunday School.....on a regular basis...."Watch out for the tricks of satan.....he's out to get us.  Us.  Seeking out the weakest among us to devour us."  Yeah, I know....Lord.  I have learned that when I speak about him out-loud....he takes offence to my referencing him in such a negative way.  And, I know, that is when he tries another tactic to throw me off my game.....and I tend to fall for it.  My armour.  Where is it?  There.... at the foot of my bed, where I laid it when I went to bed last night.  If I get up and forget it, the day starts and I have headed out to do the day (whether it is a few loads of wash, changing the bed, cleaning the toilets, or washing my hair) without the holy presence of God protecting me.  That helmet is probably the most important thing  for me to remember.  I need that extra special bit of protection.  My mind works overtime way too often....and what I come up with is so outrageous that I know it's satans work. Lord .....sometimes I do feel that You do have Your work cut out for You with my spiritual well-being.....but, I know I am not alone.  Many feel this way.  Many struggle as I do.  I have heard their stories too.  Right now, though....I need to feel Your pulling me up again to face the work ahead for today.  I will determine to get that armour on and head out to make sure that what I can do for You today, is done....and I can make a difference today in being the instrument for You that You need me to be.  For this day....I ask all in Your name.  The name of Jesus.  Amen.

Forbid it Lord that I Should gain...unless I Change!

Lord, I just wrote  to you a little bit ago in my composition book.....and then,   I always wonder when I have this urge to write to You "out-loud" if I am trying to impress somebody.  I am so sick of trying to figure out why I do what do.   You, dear One.... are the One that I aim to impress....if that is even  possible.  I seem to be in consistent need to be found worthy.  Lord, I am never sure why.  I do not know if it is a genetic predisposition or a fluke of nature.  You know, Lord.....I've read book  after book on the subject.  Okay, I know....I know.  I've actually only  read parts of books.  Nothing I see ever speaks to me on how to cut this out of my psyche.  The only thing I've read and heard is from Dr. Phil.  Don't laugh, Lord.  "He tells it like it is!"  You know how he talks.  He says something like....."So, what's the payoff you get for ....." however you are behaving.  Lord, all I can say is....."Uh.....somebody is noticing what I am doing and making a comment about it?"  Is that what it has all come down to Lord?  Somebody.....anybody.....noticing?  I am not a fan.  I don't like it.  And, I don't want it to be a part of my makeup anymore.  And, since I cannot seem to fix it.....You're going to have to.  And, I give You permission to re-route, re-configure, and reboot my internal thought processes.  I need to retain Your word in my heart and mind.  It is the truest form of staying on Your good side, isn't it?  Lord, I love to feel close to You.....most of the time.  I love knowing that You are always watching me and listening......most of the time.  I love to feel the nudge I get when I have truly messed up a plan that You had expected me to make good use of....and failed to.  I do love it even when I say I'm annoyed with You......because I know that when You are  pleased with how I have honored You in my conversation and comings and goings.....I know then, that You can use me as Your instrument.  I will wait then....and hope and believe that the matters that seem so important....and what appears to have been a failure.....well, when turned over to You, will eventually turn out to be for Your glory (to shine) and our good  (to teach).  Search me then, Oh God.....since You know my heart and mind.....see if there be any way in me that is not worthy of You.....that You would consider and pronounce "sin".....show me Your glory Lord in freeing me of any encumbrance that would keep me from doing and living in Your complete will for me.  I ask in Your name, Lord.  The name of Jesus....and will. Amen.