I know, Lord.....it’s time!  It’s way past time.....I use every excuse in the book. It’s just so hard to sit down and think about how to grab someone’s attention with my words. Whaaat?  Seriously, Lord.  I do worry about that. Hmmm......I’ll bet you’re wondering what in the world I am doing writing these letters anyway. For who?  “For me?” You might be thinking......”why bother, Corrine Davis!  To impress me?”  Don’t worry, Lord!  I know that ship has sailed. At my age, impressing You isn’t on my list anymore. I don’t know how to....impress You, that is!  I spent way too much time trying to hope You’d be pleased. It was ultimately people I was trying to please. Sunday in church,  Doug chose the text from Romans where Paul is talking to the people.  I almost laughed out loud because he sounded like me explaining something.....and after explaining, I’m thinking.....”Could you repeat that so I can understand?”   It starts out with.....”I do not understand what I do....for what I want to do, I do not do....but what I hate I do! (Sort of paraphrased beginning of Rom.7:15) And onto and throughout to verse 24, makes me a little dizzy.  Reading on it says....”For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I don’t want to do”........makes me wonder if I will ever get it right. You know Lord....it’s getting so serious anymore. It has to be getting close to when you would come for us.  All of my concerns of “getting it right” are huge.  I don’t want there to be any mistake....I want to be in that number, “When the saints go marching in.”  I guess if Paul had his own issues about getting it right.....I will try to not let the enemy of our souls, trouble and confuse me. I know that his job is very important to him. His goal is to keep us in a quandary......To keep us anxious and worried about our salvation.....to the point where we just think....”Whats the use?”  That’s where he likes us to be......thinking we’ll be on the outside looking in....when our hope is to be on the inside, looking out on him falling into Hell. 

Lord......my desire is to live so You would be pleased.....to be like You, as much as is humanly possible. Things have changed so much for me. I never believed I’d be in this position. If there is more You need from me.....I choose to obey.

You know I love watching movies......and I do enjoy the stories of romance and intrigue.....but I am always disgusted when the end comes......and no questions are answered.  I want to know what happens in each of the storylines. As Paul Harvey always said...... “the rest of the story”.  The ends of some of the stories in the scriptures are not always what I’d love to read.  But they are the realities of how life was.....or could be. Not everyone loved God  .  Not everyone obeyed Him. Not everyone believed the Christ was born. The crucifiction was abhorred by many.  I think that thousands of Christ  followers could believe that this horrific event was even of God.  Born of a virgin. Died, after the humiliation of the insanity that was happening. But, the resurrection was too much to believe.  

You know, Lord.....as I talk about this, I wonder if it’s a distant memory for you......or is it like it was just yesterday. I believe that it is indeed a story I believe.  As your follower, I would tell You that my hope and determination is to walk into the gates of Heaven.....to be with You and Your Heavenly Father forever.

I speak in love and gratitude to the precious name of Jesus. Amen.

You know, dear One.....I am at a loss for words.  I seem to use them, quite often, but rarely do I feel understood.  I think I must be speaking a language no one can really hear.  Somehow, I forgot.  No one needs my advice.  Not really.  I really do forget that.  People just really want to be heard......and, it seems to me, really don't care if they are understood or not.  They just want to be heard.  I think I need to go back to my "before I reached forty years old" epiphany!  Maybe it was fifty....was it?  I realized that a good bit of my life had gone by....and I really hadn't expressed an opinion on much of anything.  I'd just sort of nodded when people were talking, and in doing that, I'd give them the freedom to speak their thoughts.  I rarely, if ever, expressed my displeasure or disagreed with their thoughts....thoughts that I encouraged by continuing to listen.  I thought it was the way to be appreciated....or liked....or trusted.
After that birthday, whichever one it was, I decided I would enter my opinion into the mix of conversation.  I mostly did it at home.  I remember thinking..."This is not really going well."  But, I stayed the course....and continued interacting.  You know, Lord....I have complained to You more than once that...."I have a right to my opinion!" and, You'd calm me down with a verse of scripture that would confirm my belief that I was okay speaking my truth, as long as You gave me no reason to think I was really off base.  In some ways, Lord....I sort of wish I'd just been quiet.  I think I'm closing the shop of my opinion.  Especially at 75 years old, the "filter"
 is disintegrating.  I can't seem to depend on it anymore.
To be Your servant, is what I'm supposed to be.  In thought.  In word.   And, in deed.  To run my mouth about anything.....besides recipes and child care....well, (I would say, that would be my wheelhouse) , but to interject on anything else, I should be mute. Unless and of course I am literally begged!!  (I'm grinning here, Lord....).
You know my heart.....and how I want to be pleasing in Your sight....well, I just  ask that I would not disappoint you.

Being with our family for the first time since John passed away was so hard for me.  Our summer vacation with the family, that is.  The trip was tenuous as far as every ones feelings being exposed.  "Dad" was remembered at suppertimes for his constant comments on "how good everything was".  It was literally a counting game when it came to him saying, "Isn't this good?", or "This is so good!" or "Don't you think this is good?".  It was sort of funny to everyone.  Of course the golf outing without him, was not quite the same.  Death affects you.  If you're human.  For me, nothing was the same.  All I could think was...."Lord, tell him how I miss him."  "And Lord, go find him and tell him I wish I had told him more how I loved him."  The list was long.  I thought of so much more I wish I'd said to him. 

Right now, I'm thankful I had him at all.  I'm so grateful for the marriage we had and the love we shared.  I know he has peace now.  I thank you, that I do too.

All I have spoken of and thank you for....I speak in the name and will of Jesus Christ of Nazareth.  Amen.  

PS.....Lord, I remember listening to what I would think was sage advice, when my Mother always said....."It's always better to have people think you're a fool.....than to open your mouth and remove all doubt!"  I found out later that it is a proverb.  Found in Proverbs 29:20 it says, "Do you see a man who speaks too soon?  There is more hope for a fool than for him."  Okay.....sort of!

Lord, this is for Your perusal.  This is how I feel.  This is what I'm thinking.

When is he coming?  When the door opens, and he is not standing there....it makes me sad. Why isn't he home yet? I keep forgetting he's not coming home.  And, unless he can see me from heaven....or is aware of my grief....he's not even concerned about the things of earth.  The things that I am wrestling with.  In fact, he's probably not even praying for me.  Is he?  I don't say this in a negative way....what I'm thinking is he knows that You, Lord....You are taking my petitions to God, even as I write this. You alone are worthy of hearing my pleas.  (I honestly hope it doesn't sound like whining.)  Whisper in his ear today how I miss him.  How I loved him. How his children grieve for him.  I ask Lord, because I know You can do this.....because You do all things well.  Tell me what to do, Lord.  For 55 years, John William Davis....made the choices for us.  He did listen to me!  But, I always was keenly aware that You, dear One, called him to be an ambassador for you in the pulpit....I really thought he should be "The Chooser."  Now....it's all on me. The decisions.  Where do I go?  What is best for me?  I know You know.....just give Your perspective.  I'm not going to make a move until You make it plain to me.  Specifically:  a picture drawn especially for me.  I will thank You now....because I believe You understand my reluctance to forge ahead....blindly.  I've done that before and I have found that yes, You will help us even when we don't follow Your plan.....but, Your exact plan will be followed with blessings. Of course, Lord, I have my list.  What I want.  What I think I need.  I am leaving it with You, dear One.

The things we do to be comfortable....are so important.  Atleast I think they are.  Maybe thats the way You made me.  I have this nesting instinct.  Now that I am living alone....I find that wherever I sleep or sit,  I have a blanket of some sort.  I have a drink nearby. Coffee, water or soft drink.  I have something to read.  I have a pen (black ink) and paper.  I prefer a notebook.  (The black and white composition book.)  A lamp.  My phone.  Footies.  A stool to put my feet up on. Oh, yes. The remote.  And a flashlight. (since the recent storm).  These things make me comfortable.  These things make me feel less anxious about myself.  And, now Lord.....I wonder.  Is all this necessary?

One thing I discovered when my husband became so ill.  Lord, when it happened....I noticed that he wasn't interested very much in his morning coffee.  He found it not necessary to run to the bank to check things out.  He found it unnecessary to run to the post office 3 times a day.  He found it unnecessary to even hold the remote.   I'd put on the favorites for him.  The Price is Right.  Wheel of Fortune.  Jeopardy.  Everybody Loves Raymond. Any baseball, basketball, football game.  There was no interest.
Then a line of an old hymn:  ".....and the things of earth will grow strangely dim..."came to me.
"Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" said what he really was feeling.  My husbands eyes were on You, dear One.  Nothing of earth....were all that important anymore to him. Nothing, not anymore. He was looking longingly to see Your wonderful face.  And, nothing was going to stop him. 

Jesus, help me believe that ALL that is important now, in my life,  will be made clear
and right for me.  My list?  Do what You will, dear One.

In Jesus name and will for me.  Amen.

John wanted to write a book, Lord.  He kept telling people that he wanted me to help him.  "Just a small one", he said.  Dear One.....I don't understand.  It would have been good to help him go through the answers to prayer he felt were going to save him. He felt assured that the five month chemo plan would free him from the confines of the terrible disease that he was afflicted with.  We both did, Lord. Seldom are you ever told that  you will be cancer free in six months.  Now we know that it was not Your plan at all. 

I wish so much, dear One.....that it had been.  I just cannot hardly take it into my brain. He's not here  with me....in the next room sleeping.  He'd be upset I'm still up. He'd say, "You need your rest....why don't you come to bed."  I always assured him I'd be okay.  It's almost 2 AM, now. I took that sinus medication. Too bad I took the daytime pills. Right now, Lord.....with what has happened, I would rather sleep.

Thank you though, Lord....I have needed to talk.  I just haven't.  I've let Your servants pray for me.  To lift me....to give me strength.  I have to walk on my own, Lord.  You can give me Your strength.  I am too weak on my own.  John's favorite verses I've decided to take on as my own....they will of course always be with me.  Proverbs 3:4,5 and 6 tell me that if I trust in the Lord with all my heart....if I don't lean on my own understanding of anything that happens....and if I acknowledge You in all I do....You will direct my paths. I believe You will. 

It's a little scary, Lord.....this path, I'm on.  My heart is breaking.  I have been very used to having a loving, patient, Godly, preacherman by my side.  No one could make me laugh like he could.  You picked out the perfect husband for me......dear One, I will forever be grateful. I don't know what would have happened to my life if You hadn't chosen him for me.  


Of course, I am going to wait on You.  I'm going to try very hard to be patient. Please show me your way.  Give me Your peace.  Give me Your presence.  Give me the hope of a brighter day.

In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth.....I speak and ask for mercy.  Amen.






D

What in the world, Lord?  I didn't see this coming....I haven't even had time to decide if I'm mad at You or not.  All the time we pray....."we ask everything in Your will; and in Your way....we ask in Your name.....".  I want to always cover all the bases.  I don't want to leave anything to chance.  And here now.....I have not really been able to breathe very well. 

Was all this Your plan? 

 My troubled mind has been trying to find some rest. I spent every night with him in the hospital, except for one.  What began as a plan to fight this terrible cancer, ended before we could gather the troops to work out another direction to go in.  
We just looked at each other......not speaking.

Lord, I know that I should be more spiritual.....but, all I can think of is that secular song that voices my heart right now.  "How am I supposed to live without him.....now, that I've been loving him so long...…".  I know from what I have learned from watching the grieving of others through the years of our ministry.....I know You are mapping out my life, as we speak.  And yes, I know....  I'm not giving You a chance to say anything.....as Judge Judy says, " I'm still Speaking"! is all I can say.  Lord....for days, I've barely said anything to You.....anything but, "HELP".  Everyone has lifted our names to You.  And, You have lifted  and Strengthened us.

In  the first few weeks, our hope was to continue in ministry.  but, of course to get well first.  How he loved his little church the past few years.  It gave him a way to get his urgency to preach again...out.  And, Lord....You gave him fire and fervor and great enthusiasm.

We as the family he has left behind are still suffering and grieving.  I know, dear One....I know  you will help us.  

Give us peace that passes all understanding.  Give each of us the comfort that ONLY YOU can give.

I ask and give these words to You, hoping that You will do Your will and give us the acceptance of our tragedy, and make Your name glorified through it.  In Jesus name.  Amen.

Lord......are You listening?  I'm sitting here in a hospital room with a fellow I married some 54 years ago.  I'm looking at him

right now.....and I have to look twice.  Hair is not so important. I've always said that. To others.  I was trying to prepare myself when I had cancer....I even bought a wig.  But, I never needed it. Now, I see a man that I married and always "orchestrated" how he wore his hair.....(So sorry, Lord--I shouldn't have) .....with no hair.  He does have a nice head.  "I need Thee every hour".

Did I mention, Lord.....I could have used a little warning when he came to me and ask me to fix his hair that Sunday morning?

You know how clueless I am at times.  When you depend on a limb (in this case, a left arm) to help you comb, button, tie, wash, dress....it's debilitating when you discover something isn't right.

Finding this out....we immediately drove to an Emergency Ward of the St.Francis Hospital.  Lord......thank you for calming me.

Thank you for giving me Your presence at my right hand.  When stroke and heart attack were ruled out.....I knew we might be in more trouble than I could have believed. 

I guess I never thought about this happening.  Lord....thank you for reminding me that I do not have it all together.  That I need You every hour.....Oh....I really do.  

The words...."You have cancer".....takes you to a place that only God can reach.  That only God can give peace to.  I found it for myself.  I'm believing that I can have this with my beloved spouse, also.  I need it.  I need You to help my unbelief.  The enemy has a hay day with me.  You have always known this.....and even though You do.....I have to remind You to remind me. " I need You every hour, every hour I need Thee.

This is a short prayer.  I cannot go farther.  I am depending on the prayers of others to lift me to You.  I'm thankful You do that for us.  It's true, Lord.  Most of the time I can't believe I'm here at this place in my life.  And....when I quiet myself.....all I can say is "Help....or Help me.....or Help him!"

Give me strength for today.....and bright hope for tomorrow....

Great is Thy Faithfulness....Lord, unto Thee

"I need Thee....Oh, I need Thee.....Every hour I need Thee....Oh bless me now my Savior....I come to Thee."   Amen and Amen.