I just re-read my last letter, Lord.  I can see that I haven't moved much from that thinking.  I write You.  I complain.  I promise.  I forget that the things I give You in prayer are meant to stay in Your files.  My wheelhouse is not big enough.  Plus, my processing skills are not very good.  I cannot seem to move fast enough, or think fast enough, or remember what is first on the list.  See?  All of that, before I've had my coffee. My problem is such that You should want to turn Your head.....You've seen it all before......and You've heard it all before.....and I'm still struggling with it.  Lord....I need to be Your example.....I need desperately to leave my troubles with You.  My constant dabbling in "making things work" never works. I always have had this thought process that You and I see things pretty much the same.  Some people thought it comical.  I find anymore that I see it as egotistical.  Help me Jesus!  I need to have Your Spirit give me a going over.  I'd like to believe that I could still learn how You need me to live.  How that now.....I could be a real example for You.  Yes.....besides getting myself all healed in my body.....I'd love to feel that my heart would be Your heart. 
 It used to be a little like that at the parsonage.  "I've got to get dressed before someone comes in and see's this place or me looking like this."  I guess that will always be a problem.  I wish I could keep people out.  Good grief!  I can't believe I just said that.  (See, Lord......that's what I give You to work with.....and I am sorry......but, that's so often my issue.  Why do I just about always feel this way?  I wish I understood me a little better.  Maybe then, I could help myself do better.  I suppose Lord.....I guess.....I will have to "own" myself.  Maybe You can change me.  I've lived forever it seems with that mantra......"Lord, Change Me!".  After I read Evelyn Christenson's book......I felt that that could be an answer to my dilema.  For years, I followed the content....as much as I could understand it......and applied it to my life.  I was sure, Lord......that I could come out of that discipline and be just about perfect!!  Instead, to my amazement, I found that I was not as "right" as I assumed I was.  You know......the "I'm sure that I am not the one that needs to change in this situation, Lord"........and "Okay, fine!  You see what You can do, Lord!".....stomping my feet at You, mentally.  Oh, Lord!  I have found that You have had Your hands full, trying to reign me in as I always want to go off full tilt to conquer whatever needs to be handled......forgetting to ask in Your will and way.
I wish I knew what I should do with everything I have amassed over the years.  I have cleared out, and re-packed everything again as I get it.....trying to pretend I don't care....and I still can't seem to get ahead.  So far, I have tried to maintain some dignity.  Why in the world do I have to explain WHY I would like to keep the overstuffed song notebook that hold all of the music my mother and dad sand through the years of their ministry,  I tend to resent my friends, family (ie: anybody) telling me I don't need it.....never will need it.....probably won't ever look at it again.....so I might as well throw it away!  Lord......as You have previously witnessed, I am not capable of too much right now.  So, I will simply say to You....."Lord........Change me.  You know my heart.  You know my weakness.  You know how I need to clear out.  You know my need.  You know.  Boy, do You ever.  All I can say is  "Help!"  This is my need. 
Hmmm.....sounds like spring cleaning to me.  I know You are always in the business of getting out the unpleasantness and anger.  Each thing clogs our thinking.....giving the enemy the upper hand.  You and I have to keep this soul of mine in sparkling, working order.  Could we please work together to make this happen.  In all things, I pray and believe in the name of Jesus.  Name above all names, I give You my heart.....I live for You alone.....every breath I take ......every moment I'm awake.....This, dear One.....is my desire.  Amen.  

Lord.....dear One......I have to admit to You, OUT LOUD, that I am so ashamed for not writing.  Only a few times since my surgeries have I actually posted a prayer and with the blessings You have provided......that, in itself is pretty pathetic.  I am well.....and whole.  I am able to walk without limping.  I am able to do a days work, without any pain.....well, not quite yet!  I have put a lot of wear and tear on this 71 year old body.  You have, without any question, blessed me with a quick recovery time and I am so grateful.  Now, Lord.....for all You have provided, throughout the decision process, the preparation to move, the surgeries, the actual move, and the interim process for my recovery.....and the living arrangements for all of that time....I praise You for it all.  It seemed like too much rest.....too much peace......too much quiet.....but, You knew what my husband and I needed.  It was a perfect prescription.  Thank You, dear Lord.  And then, our recent move to South Carolina.  Our little apartment and my maneuvering 2000 sq. ft. of stuff into 1000.  Ha! Ha!  Lord.....You and I have gone around and around about this.  I have finally relented.  I have finally let go.  Don't put my face on any one's radar.  If they wanted anything I had.....I have probably given it away.....or I'm in the process of doing so!  You know how that bothers me.  I hate giving something away......even selling it....and then want it the next week.  Lord......how well You know me.  I have had the same issues for years.  I ask and ask for You to fix things.  I feel better because I ask You.  A few months down the road, I'm asking again.....for the same thing to be taken off of me.  Is that my fault?  Sadly.....I surrender to You that it is.  I have to bear some responsibility.  I have to stop the madness.  I have to not buy because it's on "sale".  I have to walk by something at a yard sale to put on my wall.....that Grandma Janacek used to use when she cooked.  (And, now.....have to get rid of.  No place to hang it!)  Help me let go. I love stuff.  I love the feeling of nostalgia that sweeps over me when I see things we used to have at home.  Whether, it would be the old crank up record player......or the potato peeler like the one my grandma used.  I feel hopeless.  People are dying.  Crying over loved ones lost.  Losing their homes from floods as I speak to You right now.....and I am moaning over this stupid stuff.  Forgive me for being so self absorbed.  Help me to be the individual You need me to be.  Even if I don't want to be.  The other evening, as we walked into our "new home".......I walked over to the piano.  I hadn't seen any of my stuff for months.....and I felt "at home" immediately. (By the way, Lord......I really appreciate You doing that for me!"  I opened the cover to the keyboard and put my fingers on the keys.  I hit an F.  I hit an A.  I hit a C. And, another A.  "Hmmm", I thought, "I will serve thee".  "No!", I thought again.  We just retired.  I'd like to stay out of trouble for awhile.  I'll hole up in my little house.....nobody can get to me here!"  I know, I know, Lord.  That is not the kind of servant You want me to be.  Even, retired.  I can tell You one thing!  Just sitting here, trying to compose a letter to You that makes some kind of sense......I feel pretty foolish.  Why would I turn my back on all You have done for me......and given to me?  
As per usual.....I end up saying, "I'm sorry for doubting You, Lord".......and do what I should do.  I praise and thank You for making things clear......again.
For all I have rambled on and on about.  For all I have ask  You to forgive.  For all I have asked that You would help me do better with......I ask all in the name and will of Jesus Christ.  To God be the glory .......great things He hath done.  Amen and amen.