"MY LETTERS TO GOD": March 2023

Tuesday, March 14, 2023

Lord…..here I am. Reluctantly I say, “Send me!”

For goodness sake, I fear You could turn Your back! I don’t deserve Your love or Your mercy! Yet You give me all that and more. Love. Mercy. Grace. My excuse is that forever (it seems), I have done all and more of what has been asked of me…..rarely saying “no”. Of course, saying “yes” and complaining about my weariness sort of makes me a poor candidate for anything. Often I have thought about who You use when I fail to come through for You. The fact that You use another because I have failed or just said that I could not, makes me feel like I should sit in the corner for a while.

How do I discern what it is that You need me to do for You and/or my desire to show others how important I am to You. It is ridiculous to put those thoughts into words….I think it shows great shallowness. It also opens the door to unneeded accusations from the enemy of my soul. He has great delight in making us feel like failures.

The fact that I have tried for years to fulfill the plans You have for me…..and do hope I have made a positive difference. Lord, I remember when Mom was in such a tenuous place the last years of her life. I know after Dad died, her sorrow in losing the love of her life, I never really understood. One can try, but that grief is only known by one who has known it personally. Lord, then after her life was so dramatically changed….so many wondered what good You could derive from her situation. It was a traumatic time…..boy, Lord…..I can’t even believe howYou took me through that nightmare. After all was said and done…..she lived 4 more years. Not being able to move….dependent on a ventilator to breathe…..unable to speak…..what could You do with that? Also, that last year she was in an unconscious state….so there was no more communication.

I remember so well the day You showed me how You worked through her life…..as broken as it was. I walked into her room at the rehab center where she stayed and saw a favorite nurse which had been placed on another wing. She’d probably worked on mom’s side many months. We all liked her so much. I excitedly asked if she would be coming back to work with my mom. “No!”, she replied. “ when I am upset or need a break to just breathe a little, I just walk down here to Sylvia’s room. When I see her, I see peace!”

A lightbulb went on in my being. God will find a way. He does that.

I guess I will just let You run the show of my life…..I guess as I always (mostly) have. If we give You our selves, in total commitment, then You have the reins. Lead on, dear One.

I pray in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Introduction to "My Letters To God"

My letters to God came about by my need to communicate with Him on a regular basis. I needed to, as a christian, a wife and a mother notwithstanding, pray every day. As a young mother I found myself almost continually interrupted by my two little girls. All for necessary and legitimate reasons. You and I both know satan uses every trick in the book to keep us from communing with God and I felt that he was definately getting the upperhand. So, one day out of sheer desperation, I grabbed a sheet of paper or a notebook (I don't remember) and began to scribble out a prayer for God to come and rescue me. I needed to tell Him EXACTLY how I felt. I needed Him and felt that this was my only recourse. Invariably, before I started writing, when I was interrupted I hardly ever would go back to my devotion time. I'd forget where I was in my prayertime and it all seemed futile.....after all, the wash had to be done, the beds had to be made, baths needed to be taken care of.....etcettera.....etcettera....etcettera. After the first attempt, I tried it again and again until this wonderful habit was formed for me. I could literally stop mid-sentence and almost always go back , and pick up where I had left off. As I found my time with God lengthening because of my determination to do this, it ended up being my solace. Even with two more daughters and a son as the years went by. I often found that it was truly a wonderful thing when I would search for a word that described what I REALLY felt. Many times in my prayertime prior to this , I would skim over the

hard parts that would express my angst to Him sort of mumbling, "Lord, you know what I mean.....". I was so terribly desperate to express how I really felt. To that, I could only tell Him in my tears and fears and frustration hoping He would still love me. I'd reread sometimes and find that I was alot meaner than I knew He would be pleased with.....or, I was not as bad as I believed I was.

Writing to God has followed me into the years that the world says are the "senior years". It doesn't matter to me. As long as I can hold a pen and write Him all of my heart thoughts, the "mind stealers" will not deter me. I am determined to be God's instrument. I will blow my horn for Him as long as He gives me breath!

As I share my letters with you, past and present, may you find in Him the solace that you need. He will give that to each of us. This is my prayer.

"MY LETTERS TO GOD"

My Life Verse

Tuesday, March 14, 2023

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