John wanted to write a book, Lord.  He kept telling people that he wanted me to help him.  "Just a small one", he said.  Dear One.....I don't understand.  It would have been good to help him go through the answers to prayer he felt were going to save him. He felt assured that the five month chemo plan would free him from the confines of the terrible disease that he was afflicted with.  We both did, Lord. Seldom are you ever told that  you will be cancer free in six months.  Now we know that it was not Your plan at all. 

I wish so much, dear One.....that it had been.  I just cannot hardly take it into my brain. He's not here  with me....in the next room sleeping.  He'd be upset I'm still up. He'd say, "You need your rest....why don't you come to bed."  I always assured him I'd be okay.  It's almost 2 AM, now. I took that sinus medication. Too bad I took the daytime pills. Right now, Lord.....with what has happened, I would rather sleep.

Thank you though, Lord....I have needed to talk.  I just haven't.  I've let Your servants pray for me.  To lift me....to give me strength.  I have to walk on my own, Lord.  You can give me Your strength.  I am too weak on my own.  John's favorite verses I've decided to take on as my own....they will of course always be with me.  Proverbs 3:4,5 and 6 tell me that if I trust in the Lord with all my heart....if I don't lean on my own understanding of anything that happens....and if I acknowledge You in all I do....You will direct my paths. I believe You will. 

It's a little scary, Lord.....this path, I'm on.  My heart is breaking.  I have been very used to having a loving, patient, Godly, preacherman by my side.  No one could make me laugh like he could.  You picked out the perfect husband for me......dear One, I will forever be grateful. I don't know what would have happened to my life if You hadn't chosen him for me.  


Of course, I am going to wait on You.  I'm going to try very hard to be patient. Please show me your way.  Give me Your peace.  Give me Your presence.  Give me the hope of a brighter day.

In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth.....I speak and ask for mercy.  Amen.






D

What in the world, Lord?  I didn't see this coming....I haven't even had time to decide if I'm mad at You or not.  All the time we pray....."we ask everything in Your will; and in Your way....we ask in Your name.....".  I want to always cover all the bases.  I don't want to leave anything to chance.  And here now.....I have not really been able to breathe very well. 

Was all this Your plan? 

 My troubled mind has been trying to find some rest. I spent every night with him in the hospital, except for one.  What began as a plan to fight this terrible cancer, ended before we could gather the troops to work out another direction to go in.  
We just looked at each other......not speaking.

Lord, I know that I should be more spiritual.....but, all I can think of is that secular song that voices my heart right now.  "How am I supposed to live without him.....now, that I've been loving him so long...…".  I know from what I have learned from watching the grieving of others through the years of our ministry.....I know You are mapping out my life, as we speak.  And yes, I know....  I'm not giving You a chance to say anything.....as Judge Judy says, " I'm still Speaking"! is all I can say.  Lord....for days, I've barely said anything to You.....anything but, "HELP".  Everyone has lifted our names to You.  And, You have lifted  and Strengthened us.

In  the first few weeks, our hope was to continue in ministry.  but, of course to get well first.  How he loved his little church the past few years.  It gave him a way to get his urgency to preach again...out.  And, Lord....You gave him fire and fervor and great enthusiasm.

We as the family he has left behind are still suffering and grieving.  I know, dear One....I know  you will help us.  

Give us peace that passes all understanding.  Give each of us the comfort that ONLY YOU can give.

I ask and give these words to You, hoping that You will do Your will and give us the acceptance of our tragedy, and make Your name glorified through it.  In Jesus name.  Amen.