I'm always wondering, Lord.  I'm always wondering if You are listening.....ie: reading or paying attention to me.  Should I?  Shouldn't I?  Can I? Can't I?  Is this prayer worthy?  Is it just foolishness?  Am I significant?  Or....incidental?  Will anything change if I don't pray?  What are the ramifications for me and mine if I don't?  I haven't struggled very much.....should I expect some kind of fall-out for years of ease?  A complete breakdown of all I have known and loved?  Time to pack it in?  Cut my losses and run away.  Whether physically, or spiritually.....I am in a funk.  Sometimes, as I have read about Elijah and the emotional high he must have experienced  from his victory, I have thought......"You know, Lord.....that is so ridiculous....!  How could this man who just called down the fire of heaven, and witnessed the actual experience showing the mightiness of his God.....just, disintegrate all of it with his emotionless  psyche and moan about his plight? For pete sake!  What plight?  
     Oh, brother!  Lord Jesus......Yes, here I am.  Bowed low as I can be in my spirit......wondering what is next. You know the shape of my old knees. ( The last time I got down to get something underneath the bed......I thought......"Shoot!  I might as well clean while I'm down here.")  I guess You would remember my silly thoughts.  Are You smiling......or should  I keep my distance awhile longer?  Actually, Lord,  I think I have kept my distance long enough.  My constant prayer:  Should I keep posting prayers? Honestly, it is so hard to do.  I really want to quit.  I need Your guidance.  And, I will honestly pay attention to what You lead.
  Keeping Elijah in mind, though, Lord......I do understand this poor man.  I am not mincing words either.  It is a flaw inflicted on some that many folks do not understand. I found recently as I perused "my" plight to my husband....... and, when said husband started singing (in jest) "No one understands like Jesus.......He's a friend beyond compare ......Meet Him at the throne of mercy....."   I really wanted to silence him (with a punch)....even though I knew he had listened to my pleas and did understand my heart.....there it was...... once again..... the same old, same old.  I know, I know!  You saw me being formed in my mother's womb and you decided I was worthy and fit to be born.....I still and probably will always wish for something else.   I do wish I could really let that go.  Maybe it is just a choice.  I have always believed it was innate.  Whatever it is, sometimes I feel it has me by the throat......threatening to keep me quiet forever. Perhaps you have another idea.  Lord?  I think I will be quiet.  I think, since I have prayed.....I will stop talking and just wait......yes, You heard me right.  I will wait until you shove me through whatever open door You have for me.  
     So, I do pray.....whatever it is I have prayed for (and I know that within the groaning of my spirit You KNOW what that is.....) the name and purpose of Jesus Christ.
     Amen.

Okay, Lord.  It's been too long since I posted a prayer on my blog.  I know that You know, don't You, that I've sort of been waiting for the "book" to become a reality.  I'm anxious to hold it in my hands and thank You for what You have given.  I've done it in my heart and mind......knowing that if it wasn't for the inspiration of writing to You that this has happened, it just is too much to believe.  I can do that in my heart and mind, because I have that much belief in what You can do.....and in what You allow.  I trust that all will be done to honor and glorify You when it finally is a reality!
Now, since I still wait, pressing thoughts and concerns plague me almost on a continual basis.  I talk of them to those who can give me spiritual guidance.....but, I fear that is not the answer for me.  I need to believe in the guidance that You can sustain me with.  For the incidents of my life where I have tried to do "the right thing" does not always turn out well for me.  I get too upset.  I say things that my mind has been mulling over. (That is never good.)  Lord, You better be thinking of another way to keep my thoughts silent.  Muzzling me seems to be one way.....but, I still would be making noise.  The deafening of my silence should be music to Your ears, dear One.  I cannot allow my feelings in or about any situation come out of my mouth.  Well, not unless I know You are directing the "orchestra".  I am so tired of trying to say the right thing......and then, I mess it up.  I suppose I could think of a better word, but, why should I make it look and sound better than it really is.  Mess.  It's not pretty......and,  so often, when I try to "fix" any  so-called dilemma, I quake after because of the fall out.  Jesus, even after my apologies have been made......and I grieve and sorrow over my words spoken......what can I do?  I have dealt with the "forgiveness" issue of being hurt by another....whether or not they were even aware of it.....I have dealt with it.  I have allowed Your precious Holy Spirit to lift me to a level of "no contest". I have no recourse.  I cannot usually ever forgive on my own.  I want to hurt someone as much as they have hurt me.  (I hate to say it like that.....it sounds so cruel.  Yet, it's almost a natural bent in me to want to punch someone in the jaw verbally).  I love it when I allow You to take that urge away and replace it with Your spirit filled peace.......and You do it.  It's wonderful when I can look back (think back) and can sing...."All is calm......All is bright."  But......and it seems like there always is a "but" in my prayers.......isn't there?  I wish You would tell me what to do when I am not forgiven for what has been perceived as unkind, unnecessary, or  inflammatory.   You know what, Lord?  I don't even know what the correct words are to use in this particular request.  Help me Lord to think as You would.  I do worry about what other folks think about me when they don't know all the facts.  Help me to truly NOT grieve about that part.  Help me to see things as You do.  I need to lay the sorrow to rest.  I need to allow You to give me a peace that I absolutely do not understand for this question.  Allow me once more to ask it in a different way.....(so You really understand me!  Sorry, Lord.)   "How do I move on into a quiet peacefulness after it is clear to me that I will never be forgiven for words I have spoken or written..... (perhaps for words I even thought!)?  This is my plea.  Jesus, Savior of my world.....help me see Your way.  " I need no other argument.....I need no other plea......It is enough that Jesus died......and that He died for me! "   Is it that easy, dear One?  Lead me into the truth I need to know...show me.  I am Your servant.  I need You.
All this, and more tomorrow.....I bring to You, speaking the name and will of Jesus.  Amen.