Dear One.....I do wish one thing.  That You would give me a shove and a shake.  I get so tired of "being sorrowful"......or, "sick at heart".....when I really have only precious gifts....and blessings too abundant to count. A couple of calls yesterday....and I hear, "What's wrong?"  Lord, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG.  Still....I moan like a pathetic loser.  I AM NOT A LOSER.  Still.....I continue to feel like one.  I read.  I write.  I try to think.  I try to teach.  I try to give good leadership.  I try. I try. I try.  And, still..... I feel like such a .........well, I won't write it out loud.  (My poor family hates when I speak negatively about myself.)    I am Yours.  That is one thing I am sure of.  I am an instrument of Your choosing to be a help to You.....not a hindrance.  Recently receiving a letter of commendation to my worthiness.....I quickly sloughed it off as the evil one would have me do.  I replaced all the compliments with satan's lies.  Each thing, I replaced with....."If they only knew....".  Dear One......please give me a transplant.  I feel like I need another  start.  New batteries.  New juice.  New kick start.  And...then....I wonder.  How long will this work?  How long do I go before I need another jolt.  Shoot, Lord!  I need a resuscitation implant. I know.  I talk silly.  Actually, Lord.....I prefer You do the jolting of my being.  I thank You, Father, for the devotionals that spark my heart.  I like the ones that speak to me changing and being at my best for You.  I like the ones that speak to my being willing to change habits and reactions to what I can't change at all.  It isn't possible for me to help anyone if I continue to walk around in a fog.  I need to be aware of the example I set with my demeanor in limbo.  Raise me up, Lord.....to a new place.  Set me up on the rock, Christ Jesus.  Give me another pair of shoes....that don't give me the blisters of resistant feet.  Arm me with Your words of compassion and understanding.  I am losing out on all counts.  The words I read this week sort of said it all.  I can't get them out of my head.  The excuses I come up with to make excuses sound better, need to stop.  It does little for me.  I need to accept that there are things that I can change.  And, I have or will continue to further that goal for You.....but, I need to accept  that there are some things You have no plan to change at all.... things that You do not want changed.  Somehow, Lord Jesus.....that possibility never occurred to me.  There is no new revision to this particular edifice. You want me to live victoriously with what You have laid out for me.....and probably want me to stop complaining about it.  Right?  "Yeah!  That's what I figured is what I really feel like saying......" but, I will try to change that as long as I can......and accept that perhaps this thorn that I feel just about all of the time.....will be a thorn I can live with and not make excuses for....and eventually be thankful for......maybe, even to say it.....and believe it too.  Is that even possible?  I'm going to rest with that for now, Lord.  I'm going to see how this fits.  I say with determination.....You have given me much to think about.  Help me, Jesus.  I depend on You .  I thank You and praise You.  I speak all of this in the name of Jesus.  Amen. 

I have been wondering, Lord......and since You know me so well.....that's not always good.....but, You have always been the source of my strength......and any wisdom that comes from my lips is included in that strength. What I wonder is how you intended our family to be.  Thinking about families of the scriptures...I see many different kinds.  I am the daughter of a kind, gentile, soft-spoken man....who was a pastor and a jack-of-all-trades.  He was so much like You, Lord.  I loved him and found him to be a man I could trust .....always.  I don't know if I ever disappointed him.....he never mentioned it.  He spanked me once or twice for sassing my mother.  Otherwise, I was a perfect child!  Mom was harder to deal with.  I felt like anything I did was not ever good enough for her.  I am not sure if that is normal or not.  I really never knew any different.  Three brothers and myself as the oldest rounded out our family.  I remember feeling sure I was loved....and never questioned it.  We were on the fringe of being poor.....but, I never felt like I was.  I'm not sure how they managed that.  I felt that we were a close family.  As I married, Lord.....I knew that even with all of the drama my mother created about him.....I had married the right man for me.  Never really discussing having a family.....we began creating one a couple years after we married.  We were Blessed by You, dear One.  Five of the most beautiful babies I had ever seen in my life were given to us.  I will forever be grateful for the apparent trust You had in us to raise these children.  They are grown now.  And, You have chosen to keep me sort of long distances from them.  I could very possibly be an interfering mom if given too many chances.  My goal was to pray instead....and let You handle the details of their lives.  Their spouses?  I prayed and hoped and believed that my interjections of "what I thought" were God centered.  Lord....You always know best.  Even the shattered dreams.....are sometimes turned into the glue that helps pay the repair bill.....when ultimately turned over to You.  Anyway, Lord....I have thought and re-thought what it takes to make a close family.  (i.e. close-knit; solid; impenetrable)  I haven't really read anything lately that strikes me as an answer to my queries.  As I fixed supper last night, I was watching/listening to an episode of "The Walton's".  Mary Ellen was in a wanderlust sort of mood and kept running off to see if she could satisfy these longings in her heart.  She decided she did not want to "enjoy" the comforts of home anymore and didn't want what it offered.  The family was desperately trying to make some money by picking apples from a neighbors orchard.  Certain reward for a job well done.  She was not interested in the slightest.  Everyone seemed to have the greatest patience with her moaning and complaining and sassing.  Even her running off to parts unknown "to think".  As I entertained how her family loved her through this time.....I thought of the story of the  Prodigal Son.  Unfettered by the strings of home and the responsibilities, he came to his senses after a time of loss and sadness.  Choosing to accept the love and devotion of those who welcomed him......(and Mary Ellen too,) back.....I think, Lord....shows that You are the one who provides this willingness to show that we, as  a people, need the unconditional love a family can offer.  And, not only need it, but can give it, too.....without holding it over each other's heads forever.  That love....the unconditional kind is hard to manage.  It can be done.  Being able to "go home" and feel you are loved and appreciated is another gift I think family should be able to execute.  Every day, it seems the "rules" change.  Lord, help us to remember the rules You originally set down in stone.....that do not change......ever.  Lying, coveting, using the Lord's name in vain, stealing, murdering, dis-honoring our parents.  It is the acceptance of what other's do and say without having to use it as a pulpit to preach "the truth" as we see it.  Lord......I love the way You move in and out and through our lives.  I love the way You show me what not to say.....after I say it.  Even the hoops I feel I have to jump through to get myself back into Your good graces......it's good for me, Lord.  Bottom line:  I already am in Your good graces. I keep forgetting that.  Jesus, help me.  Guide me.  Encourage me.  Love me.  Forgive me.  Show me.  Forgive me again.
Thank You, Lord.  I speak this prayer in the name of Jesus.  Amen.