As I go over the devotionals I've read for the week on my computer, I hesitate to hit "delete" for any of them.  I fill my journals with them....."so I don't forget".....and find that I do, indeed, forget what I wanted to remember.  I sometimes write word for word....and then for some I just outline what I think I already knew.  I find, though, that when I was sure I would remember "that one"....I can't quite remember like I want to.  Lord, all I can say to You is that I want You to show me what to keep.  And, what to let go.
It sounds like the mantra I quote when I am getting ready to do some organizing in the garage or in the basement.  Over and over, I want to let go.....and throw out what I don't want or need in the trash.....and then, I agonize.  "What if I need this next week?"  As much as I have accumulated, I  probably could go to the Dollar Tree and buy another one!!  But, getting back to my first thoughts.....I do love reading that I am not alone in my quest for spiritual fulfillment.  I wonder, Lord, is that going to be forever..... or until You come for us?  I know.  Why do I always ask that question?  I think I have said the same thing, in different words at least a 1000 times.  My security in You is often tempered with...."What if I was wrong?"  "What if I misunderstood what You promised?"   What if....?  What if....?  What if....?  I think that probably satan enjoys my confusion.  When he can plant a seed of doubt......and then stand back with arms folded waiting for me to cave on what I believe (?) ......then, certainly, he has done his job.  I often fail to call on You as quickly as I should.  I defer to the sadness and difficulties of our lives too quickly.  When I heard about "Lizzy" and the Cancer diagnosis, I have to admit I faltered a little bit.  I hear of the same stories of sadness and death that everyone else does......and realize that this is life.  We learn to accept, acknowledge and bear with the fallout of what turns out to be the new normal.  Lord, I wish my questions would cease.  I ache for the sadness that occurs when suffering comes. 

 I spoke to her the other day, Lord.  I could easily have walked by.  I recognized her face and saw her look down.  After our little talk.....when I heard that "the church people were so unsympathetic or unwilling to get involved".....I felt so sad.  Who are we, Lord?  When I am aware that we, Your children, are the first to criticize....or abandon our sisters and brothers in Christ....it must not make You very proud of us.  I am thankful that even in our clumsy attempts to love and accept each other.....You take it and translate it into "The Greatest Story Ever Told". 

I'm thankful for the cross, Lord.  And, for the mercy You show to us all the time.  We truly are not worthy .  Me? It is not about "we".  It is about "me".  And, how I am doing as a member of Your family.  I'd like to be in the gold star category.....I'm not sure I can do it.  Last week I complained about being a slug.  Hopefully, this week, I am doing a little bit better.  Give me all the help You can in my private time.  I will count on this one thing.  When I need a particular answer......for myself or someone I am helping.....I will believe that You will bring to the forefront of my heart and mind, what You need for me to convey.  (Like for instance...."When people show you who they are.....believe them!   Oh, wait a minute!  That's not scripture, Lord......that's "Oprah". )  Was that a smile, Lord?  I love You.  Thank You for loving me too!

It's all in the name of Jesus.  Amen.