Lord……I feel a little out of sync.  I can’t seem to wrap my head around these feelings that seem to plague me.  I’ve gone through stuff….but so has everybody else.  I’ve managed to keep breathing after John died…and today, I wish I wasn’t .  Okay, I guess I shouldn’t have said that but, who are You going to tell. Please, Lord….no one needs to know.  The hope that I can be faithful in all things You expect of me is hard enough.  I do feel though, that it is my life  right now.

Before we left the pastorate, I assumed that all of my “teaching moments”from You, were for me to use not only for me, but my classes as well.  I remember the time that I used a really significant one, and after I said it, all the eyes that were on me sort of looked glazed.  They didn’t get it at all. So, that particular lesson You showed me….was for me. (I have to tell you, Lord….I hate when that happens!!) When I am teaching or advising, I like to think I have a corner on it , because most of the time, I’ve been there.  And….You have given wisdom to me to help me through. Boy, do I ever still have a lot to learn. Just a week ago, maybe two…..I watched an interview with a servant of Yours called Helen Roseveare. Without looking back, I think that’s it.  She just said some things that exploded in my being. I think she’s in her late eighties now…..but her wisdom of how You ministered to her in her darkest hours will forever resonate with me.  I can’t even relate to her situations, partially because she was a missionary in Africa…..a doctor…..well-respected and loved by the People she worked with….and then forced to face the annihilation of many of these same people, facing the torture of herself  and the humiliation of rape….again, for herself.  I could barely make myself listen to her words. It killed my heart that she suffered in such a way. I knew that the words she said were vital for me to remember.  I listened as she felt that You were sort of silent!  I think she felt alone in her torture and cried out…. “Where are You?”

I am sustained by the fact that You gave her an answer in the midst of her horror.  Although it was not exactly being rescued by the cavalry…..It was a “privilege” for her to allow You to use her body as a sacrifice for You. Phillipians 3:10 was Your message to her. “  “ …..that I may know Him And the power of His  resurrection ….. and the PRIVILEGE to share in Your suffering…. “ .  It was at that time You gave her her “Mission Statement” .  That’s how I see it.  You said to her in the midst of all this chaotic turbulence she was in…..” Can you thank me for trusting you with this experience…..even if I never tell you why?”  

I’m telling You, my dear One…..I can only conclude that if I have to serve You in a way that no one would consider “a privilege”…..then I can only trust and believe that Your strength and wisdom would infill me…..at that exact time.  Even if You never tell me why.  

Serving You this long is why I can say it.  But, I barely know how to end this prayer.  It makes me afraid.  This is an honest statement.

I pray in the name of Jesus. Amen.